The Imposition of the Narcissistic Parent: A Hidden Volcano – Part 4

This week, Rivka Edery, helps you visit your own personal Garden of Eden, and the wisdom it will reveal for your unique journey.


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This article is the fourth and last in a series in which I discuss the relationship between the fear of authority figures, because of narcissistic parenting (devoid of empathy, pathologically selfish and entitled, exceedingly arrogant, grandiose, liar, empty self-obsession). The relational form of narcissistic parenting is one of inherent bullying, chronic demands for narcissistic demands, imposition, suffocating, demeaning and demanding - cementing the pain with a lack of empathy. The child of a narcissistic parent is trapped in their parent’s underground land of Fake Make Believe, where the parent is the ever-looming omnipotent despotic ruler. The child has no escape, but to create defenses of their own, purely for survival. The narcissistic parent is thoroughly convinced of their Fake Make-Believe land, constantly forcing the child to step into the picture the parent carved out for them.

Perhaps the child becomes resilient, well-defended, and determined never to be bullied again.  Such a person may employ their belief system that “all authority figures are bullies, to be feared, hated, admired, emulated, or avoided.”  Some children will identify with the aggressor, in this case, their narc parent, in order to ensure they won’t be abandoned, hurt, betrayed or abused, as they have oft-times witnessed the narc to do to everyone else. Fear and a False Self can become the child’s only companion, as they battle an impossible, frightening Medusa. 

  

Please join me this week, as we visit your own personal Garden of Eden, and the wisdom it will reveal for your unique journey. 

Close your eyes and imagine it is a warm summer day, late in June. The sun is laughingly kissing the fields, children tumble on the soft dirt, and insects, flies, bees, birds and animals all seem to think they were one on this precious day of light. You are in your own personal garden, humming along as you tend to your precious plants, fruits and vegetables, all nourishing each other.  

In the middle of your garden, there is a small pond of happy fish, dancing to the tune of their own harmony. Hear the sweet laughter of children, cheerful Bambi, and the elderly neighbors who find every reason to smile when they see you.

As you sit on the comfortable bench, you are visited by a part of yourself that you have long-rejected. Perhaps you have a deep-seated terror of rejection or abandonment, of being unlovable, alone, unworthy of love and belonging. You can give this part of you a playful nickname, something that will allow you to bring this long-forgotten part of you, closer to you, to sit beside you and share its wisdom.  

Imagine that you can have a conversation with that part of you, allowing it to talk with you about how it came to be, what are its aches, pains, and wisdom for healing. 

Choose any part of you and imagine that it has come from behind its hiding place and is now cautiously approaching you. You may be surprised to discover that it is like a small child, with eager eyes, filled with pools of hurt, kindness and intimidation.  

Perhaps this child is a solitary thinker brainwashed and tricked, holding on to old thinking, outdated, and without corroboration. Lovingly tell this part that you are here; available and willing to love, nurture and guide it back to wholeness.  Explain that s/he is not responsible for the cruel and cold parenting they were subjected to, and that you are ever-present for them. 

You may be surprised that what you have most long-dreaded, is nothing but a sweet and lost child who will grow into a healthy and healed part. Breathe deeply and watch a once-suffering part of you giggle and skip in the open garden.  

The volcano will always be there, where you can learn from the energy of your wounds, but you don’t have to live there.  

The open garden will always have its arms outstretched, daily awaiting your visitation, where you rest, rejuvenate and love yourself to genuine, ever-lasting resolution and healing. 

  

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Rivka A. Edery, Psy.D. (Candidate), M.S.W., L.C.S.W., (RivkaEdery.com) is a highly intuitive licensed clinical social worker specializing in trauma recovery and spirituality. Her books include Trauma and Transformation: A 12-Step Guide and Hear Me Sing, Book I.  Since 2009, she has been working as a psychotherapist, assisting clients who are recovering from trauma-related disorders. She has assisted trauma survivors in achieving safety, reducing their troublesome symptoms, increasing their competencies, to review and reappraise their trauma memories, and consolidate their gains by learning and applying new behavioral, emotional, physical and spiritual skills. The focus is a very positive one, encouraging her clients to adapt a more loving, empathic, and honorable understanding of themselves.  

For a full list of her publications, credentials, and ways to get in contact with Rivka Edery, please visit her website at http://www.rivkaedery.com

The Imposition of the Narcissistic Parent: A Hidden Volcano – Part 3

This week, Rivka Edery teaches us why rage and anger become central emotions for children of narcissistic parents, how to honor that anger, and how to identify the exhausting cycle of supply and demand that is characteristic of narcissistic relationships.

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This article is the third in a series of four articles, in which I discuss the relationship between the fear of authority figures, because of narcissistic parenting (devoid of empathy, pathologically selfish and entitled, exceedingly arrogant, grandiose, liar, empty self-obsession). The relational form of narcissistic parenting is one of inherent bullying, chronic demands for narcissistic demands, imposition, suffocating, demeaning and demanding - cementing the pain with a lack of empathy. The child of a narcissistic parent is trapped in their parent’s underground land of Fake Make Believe, where the parent is the ever-looming omnipotent despotic ruler. The child has no escape, but to create defenses of their own, purely for survival. The narcissistic parent is thoroughly convinced of their Fake Make-Believe land, constantly forcing the child to step into the picture the parent carved out for them.

Perhaps the child becomes resilient, well-defended, and determined never to be bullied again. Such a person may employ their belief system that “all authority figures are bullies, to be feared, hated, admired, emulated, or avoided.” Some children will identify with the aggressor, in this case, their narc parent, in order to ensure they won’t be abandoned, hurt, betrayed or abused, as they have oft-times witnessed the narc to do to everyone else. Fear and a False Self can become the child’s only companion, as they battle an impossible, frightening Medusa. 

We left off last week, on a journey forth to new territory within ourselves, examining areas of intense reactivity, where we are courageously stepping closer to our inner volcano. For some people, this is a truly frightening concept: anything that is live will surely perish in in a volcanic environment! 

Who can even survive its hot lava force of destruction? This is where the Magical Mirror invites us to take a closer look at our gifts.  

Inherent gifts and talents are the good forces within us that give us the inviting strength to acknowledge buried alive wounds. Some gifts, and personal choices, include integrity, being kind, empathic, loving, and nurturing. Having good intentions, motivations, having courage, wholehearted bravery, and the strength to be vulnerable and kind at the same time. The courage, bravery and wholehearted willingness to face emotional wounds, that are alive and kicking inside your personal volcano, is rewarded with knowing how to put out the fire.

Let’s look at a few specific emotional living wounds, such as anger or rage that does not seem to dissipate. 

Anger is often seen as a frightening emotion, and is in fact, scary depending on the circumstance. There is so much focus these days on forgiveness, letting go of anger, and conjuring up other emotions, to replace anger or rage. To the extent that some survivors may even feel guilt or shame for having anger.  

Some people have a personality and character structure fueled by rage and anger. This can be quite toxic for the person’s health, relationships, and their family and friends. However, there is a second category of people who experience anger, that does not seem to fit any character-disorder category: survivors of narcissistic parenting.

Consider the implications of being the child of a narc parent: at the deepest level for the narc, all relationships are about filling the narc’s need for “supply”.  

Narcs notoriously have a bottomless vortex for validation, admiration, acknowledgement, attention, being “right” (cannot handle or accept criticism), controlling, and staying “alive” in their psyche.  

For them, staying “alive” requires supply. Until their “supply” is cut off, their true existential reality (kept in secret), may not be revealed. This means that their child(ren) may have to survive by being supply and supply only (admire, comply, admire, worship, repeat) for their parent. 

Where and how does the child’s True Self develop? There is no room for the value of the True Self, and if may be forced into hiding. Hence, the birthplace of rage. Longing for its own birth, freedom of expression, and living a truly peaceful existence, rage then becomes the norm. This does not mean that one has to be trapped in a volcanic rage, hidden or exposed. The beginning of your liberation is by taking a deep breath, and a step back from the volcano. You just acknowledged and faced a core and powerful emotional reality. Now take the mirror, put it in your pocket, and follow the breadcrumbs to a beautiful garden not far from this volcano. 

Read Part 4, as we visit your own personal Garden of Eden, and the wisdom it will reveal for your unique journey.

  

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Rivka A. Edery, Psy.D. (Candidate), M.S.W., L.C.S.W., (RivkaEdery.com) is a highly intuitive licensed clinical social worker specializing in trauma recovery and spirituality. Her books include Trauma and Transformation: A 12-Step Guide and Hear Me Sing, Book I.  Since 2009, she has been working as a psychotherapist, assisting clients who are recovering from trauma-related disorders. She has assisted trauma survivors in achieving safety, reducing their troublesome symptoms, increasing their competencies, to review and reappraise their trauma memories, and consolidate their gains by learning and applying new behavioral, emotional, physical and spiritual skills. The focus is a very positive one, encouraging her clients to adapt a more loving, empathic, and honorable understanding of themselves.  

For a full list of her publications, credentials, and ways to get in contact with Rivka Edery, please visit her website at http://www.rivkaedery.com

The Imposition of the Narcissistic Parent: The Mysterious Mirror – Part 2

This week, Rivka Edery, investigates the mysterious underground volcano, as it pertains to authority figures, narcissistic parenting, and your role in all of this.

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This article is the second in a series of four articles, in which I discuss the relationship between the fear of authority figures, because of narcissistic parenting (devoid of empathy, pathologically selfish and entitled, exceedingly arrogant, liar, empty self-obsession). 

The relational form of narcissistic parenting is one of bullying, imposition, suffocating, demeaning and demanding - cementing the pain with a lack of empathy. Perhaps the child becomes resilient, well-defended, and determined never to be bullied again.  

Such a person may employ their belief system that "all authority figures are bullies, to be feared, hated, admired, emulated, or avoided." A common core reason of the fear of authority figures, may be because the body (where traumatic memories are stored), and the brain (which also stores memories, and distributes the necessary chemicals as it sees fit), will get into action if they are called to duty. 

We left off last week, on a journey forth to new territory within ourselves, examining areas of intense reactivity, where we are courageously stepping closer to our inner volcano.  

We remain open and curious as to what is inside it. What sets it off, and does the Unconscious Army take charge, without your consent? However, prior to entering the mysteries of our inner volcano, we must extend the necessary preparations. Our goal in stepping closer, is to open our minds with open-ended questions. 

Please join me this week as I investigate the royal road to the mysterious underground volcano, as it pertains to authority figures, narcissistic parenting, and your role in all of this.

Let us look at the relationship between loneliness because of overt and relational forms of narcissistic childhood (bullying) and resiliency. It is common for children of narcissistic (“narc”) parenting to experience being bullied by their narc parent.  

After all, narcissists are true bullies: they will do anything, and cross all boundaries, to get their way. Often, they are very secretive, deceitful, and with an agenda they keep carefully guarded. With a grandiose sense of entitlement, gross arrogance, and little to no regard for others, they will plunge into the spoils of another’s psyche, rob them of whatever supply then need, and then classically discard the child.  

Children of narc parents, like all children, are vulnerable and entirely dependent on the caregiver/parent. Their lives are literally dependent on their primary parent. In the cruelest twist, the narc wields their power, with a sword that is sharp and blazing with narcissistic rage. The child must develop their own defenses, and do everything in their capabilities to adapt, and survive. But what happens to all the rage, pain, fear, and sense of devaluation that permeates the child’s being?

The core pain is never validated if there is no reliable investigation, and intervention, into this kind of deep abuse of the mind. Very often, children of narcs are abused in sexual, physical, and other ways; a complete violation of a humanistic ethics code.  

Even if there is an absence of physical abuse, the dynamic between the narc and their abused child, is highly toxic, with childhood wounds that may remain invisible for the rest of the child’s life. The child may display signs of resiliency (bounce-back), disconnect, fear and compliance of authority-figures, aggression towards others, or harbor a hidden hatred towards themselves. 

It is unsafe to express displeasure towards a narc, especially in such a volatile parent-child dynamic. After all, the child has lived a life of being in service to the adult, perhaps void of a true self, and in constant danger of being shoved down the dark, deep pit of mental anguish. The child must struggle to survive, and escape the loneliness, developing certain character defenses and traits, that may be dysfunctional later in life.

As you pause and reflect on your road to the volcano, you suddenly notice a strange-looking mirror a few feet ahead of you. You bend down to pick up this mystical mirror, left by the person gone before you. Your heart flutters, your mind is open and ripe with curiosity and openness, and your soul sings in tongues unfamiliar to you. Can this be the beginning of your liberation?

Read Part 3, as we examine this mystical mirror, and the treasures it might lead you to.

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Rivka A. Edery, Psy.D. (Candidate), M.S.W., L.C.S.W., (RivkaEdery.com) is a highly intuitive licensed clinical social worker specializing in trauma recovery and spirituality. Her books include Trauma and Transformation: A 12-Step Guide and Hear Me Sing, Book I.  Since 2009, she has been working as a psychotherapist, assisting clients who are recovering from trauma-related disorders. She has assisted trauma survivors in achieving safety, reducing their troublesome symptoms, increasing their competencies, to review and reappraise their trauma memories, and consolidate their gains by learning and applying new behavioral, emotional, physical and spiritual skills. The focus is a very positive one, encouraging her clients to adapt a more loving, empathic, and honorable understanding of themselves.  

For a full list of her publications, credentials, and ways to get in contact with Rivka Edery, please visit her website at http://www.rivkaedery.com

The Imposition of the Narcissistic Parent: A Hidden Volcano - Part 1

This article is the first of a series of four, in which our guest, Rivka Edery, will discuss the relationship between the fear of authority figures resulting from narcissistic (devoid of empathy, selfish, exceedingly arrogant, liar, empty self-obsession) parenting and how this leads to an "internal volcano" just waiting to erupt!


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Like a dutiful army: thoroughly trained, well-organized, confident in their mission, poised and ready to do battle, the unconscious and its multitude of defenses, are always on the edge of the battlefield.  

All that is needed is a similar trigger to the original wound, and without a supervisory commanding general, the army will drag the Authority Figure into battle. Even if the battlefield is just in the adult child’s mind.  

Neurotransmitters, chemicals and hormones, are the artillery and there is an unlimited supply. The nervous system, partnered with one’s thoughts, become the active duty military, ensuring that the mission is dramatic and targeted.  

The Authority Figure, perhaps a narcissist, or perhaps just a figment of the projector’s fearful past, represents a fantastic opportunity for the interested learner. It is on this exact battlefield that personal histories are re-wired in the brain, and the existing army is trained into a less frightened, reactive, and self-nurturing team.

Any unprocessed, unresolved memory can be triggered, by a person, event, or randomly, with the emotions that were birthed at the time of the original event.  The person re-experiences it as they did in the past, not with the aide and wisdom of their current age. Because the emotions have been in a time-capsule; frozen and stored far away from their conscious memory, triggers are an extremely powerful phenomenon.  

It is about a fear or pain suddenly awakened from a deep slumber. Like a hungry, angry, tired, lonely sleeping giant, it feeds off whatever is unresolved.  

Like old radio signal waves that never die down, narcissistic parenting is a deep and profound wound, with multiple serious side-effects. 

An authority figure, especially one that bears close resemblance to one’s original narcissistic parent, can awaken an area of much-needed discovery in a person.  The discovery begins with an acknowledged issue with authority figures.  

Here are some sample questions: 

1) What specifically triggers me? (HINT: What are the thoughts I am telling myself about this person?)  

2) When I am triggered, what awakened memory am I fighting NOT to feel? (HINT: Allow yourself to sift through them as you would a pile of dirt, with hidden diamonds. “Pulling out” the diamonds in the rough, examining them under the light of love and consciousness, will allow for a less electrified reaction next time).

3) What have I found that is related to my narcissistic parent, being projected on to this person? (HINT: if it’s hysterical, it is historical, something awakened that was previously asleep, and in pain.)

I venture to guess that a vast majority of childhood suffering, the kind that eats away at the adult’s soul, fueling a lifetime of hide-and-go-seek, defending, fighting and struggling to be comfortable with intimacy, courage and vulnerability – potentially has some roots in a cruel upbringing, void of empathy, and driven by mind-games.  

The first step in any exploration, is usually done with anticipation, preparation, doubt, research, or impulsively, as some examples. 

The most important part of it is to take the first step, however tentatively. Why? Because the journey becomes easier, more familiar, less daunting; affording us breadcrumbs and confidence, to plant our own flags, symbolizing our personal inner discoveries and triumphs.  

When we venture forth on new territory within ourselves, examining areas of intense reactivity, we are courageously stepping closer to our inner volcano.  What is inside it? What sets it off, and does the Unconscious Army take charge without your consent?  



Read Part 2, where I investigate the mysterious underground volcano, as it pertains to authority figures, narcissistic parenting, and your role in all of this.


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Rivka A. Edery, Psy.D. (Candidate), M.S.W., L.C.S.W., (RivkaEdery.com) is a highly intuitive licensed clinical social worker specializing in trauma recovery and spirituality. Her books include Trauma and Transformation: A 12-Step Guide and Hear Me Sing, Book I. Since 2009, she has been working as a psychotherapist, assisting clients who are recovering from trauma-related disorders. She has assisted trauma survivors in achieving safety, reducing their troublesome symptoms, increasing their competencies, to review and reappraise their trauma memories, and consolidate their gains by learning and applying new behavioral, emotional, physical and spiritual skills. The focus is a very positive one, encouraging her clients to adapt a more loving, empathic, and honorable understanding of themselves.  

For a full list of her publications, credentials, and ways to get in contact with Rivka Edery, please visit her website at http://www.rivkaedery.com

Are Your Inner Dialogues Killing You?

This week, Annie Addington wraps up her series by letting us see exactly how the Ego, Lower Self, and Mask dialogue with each other and how we can move through this dialogue to access our Higher Self.

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We have to do more than survive. We have to work on ourselves. We must explore our miraculous Beings!  

SO, in the last entry, we discussed three levels of Being: the Higher Self, The Lower Self and the Mask, and how important it is to become conscious of these three levels. 

I’d like to discuss how these levels connect. Let’s see what we can look out for in our thought processes. Raising consciousness takes nothing less than observing your own thought process.  

First of all, these are not three DISTINCT layers. They interact with one another; the boundaries are not set. As we are living, moving beings, all of these energy levels are active and in flux. So, it can be tricky!  

We are dealing with layers of energy within layers of energy, in fact.

When we can face our Lower Self impulses with courage, optimism and humility, we will really get to know it, and then be able to shed all the masks in the covering layers. When you do this, it is in fact, your Higher Self making this possible, it is a Higher Self motive that urges you to do the work.  

Journaling is one of the best ways to get to know yourself and your rhythms. It is fascinating to "follow your path". I can, even today, after so many years, look back and learn from my writings.  

I will give you an example of some inner dialogue between the selves. We will include the ego, the function that mediates between the inner and outer worlds.  We will look at the voice of the Positive Ego, and the Negative Ego.

The Positive Ego is the voice that works in service of the Higher Self and the Negative Ego works in service of the Lower Self.   

Let’s set the stage.  

Remember. The true nature of the Lower Self is that of a controlling, calculating, ruthless and manipulative tyrant, who will do anything to get its way.  

Inner Dialogue: 

Lower Self:  
"You’re  nothing at all! Look at you! No one will ever want you! You’ve been used. You’re dirty! Disgusting! Go sleep in the gutter where you belong! You’re ugly. Fat!"

Mask: 
(Big smile). "Hey! I’m doing great, no complaints! I’m just really busy. It’s all good."   

Negative Ego: 
(in service of the Lower Self).  "I’m so tired of everything. I just want to give up. Nothing ever works out for me. I’m too tired to work on myself." 

Positive Ego:  
(The positive ego is a teacher of sorts; in service of the Higher Self). "You are being so cruel to yourself. This is the pain talking. Don’t let it take over. You know how to rise out of the ashes. You’ve done it before and you have the ability to do it now." 

Higher Self:  
"You are Love. You are Light. You are beautiful beyond measure."  


So, a lot of the work is finding the voice of the Positive Ego, because that is the voice that can lead you out of the mire and into the Light.  

It’s really exciting to get to know yourself. You are always WAY MORE than you know. Always. Every day.  

I want to share something about the Higher Self. John P once said, "When you feel the sweetness, in yourself or others, that’s the Higher Self."  

I used these words many times to work on my judgments. I remember the first time. I was riding a subway in Berlin, Germany at night, with some, well, interesting characters. I found myself judging a man who was standing holding on to the pole. He looked absolutely "yukky" to me, if that gives you an idea. 

I remembered John’s words, and I said to myself, "There is a sweetness in this man that you are not seeing." I will never forget that moment, because that man transformed in front of my eyes. I saw it. I saw his sweetness and his Higher Self.

I hope you try it. It’s like magic!  

Well, I will close now, but I’m very excited to share that I will have a CD finished and out by the end of the summer. It is called "In a Midnight Wind" and consists of jazz standards, Brazilian songs and some originals.  

Then next step is to complete the work on an album of all original songs, called Songs of Body and Soul (including Sexual Tears). I plan to have that out by the Fall.  

I have been asked to write the script for a solo performance, using my original songs and my story.  

I am in the process of creating an online Women’s Group for survivors and also developing my work as an ELI-MP (Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioner). The goal is to raise consciousness for leaders in business, giving an assessment that measures energy levels and allows for a deeper understanding of the dynamics in their work and with their employees.

I have very much enjoyed writing for Rachel’s blog. I felt that I was talking to my sisters and brothers. And I was.  

In love, Annie

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My life has been filled with constant change. I survived and rose from the ashes of childhood abuse, an ever-hungry and curious spirit, seeking growth, knowledge and change.

My first time in college, I was a theater major. I had been acting for several years in Community theater and in Summer Stock, where I played Luisa, (the Girl) in the Fantastiks, for instance. After two years at UCONN, I received an award for my acting, and thought I was to become a great actress, so I left school and moved to NYC, where I studied acting at Herbert Berghof Studios. But, it was 1967 and an influx of Love and Consciousness was happening. Woodstock!! Music!!! Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll!

So off I went, into a new world. The abuse that I experienced in my childhood went very deep and I experienced all of the after effects of this violation. Depression, anxiety, promiscuity and parties.

In 1978, I found the Pathwork and Core Energetics and my life turned around. I entered into deep studies and personal work with amazing teachers.

I moved to Amsterdam in 1981, where there was a strong Pathwork, with the idea of living in Europe for one year. I reconnected with my ex-husband, whom I had met at the Pathwork Center. We co-founded an institute in Germany in which we worked with and trained people to further the teachings of John and Eva Pierrakos, to explore the depths of oneself; one's thought processes, one's physical condition and one's feelings.

In the Institute, we also gave teachings of the different character structures, the feelings associated with them, their beginnings and their effects on self and others in the form of communication, transferences and counter-transferences, i.e. a deep approach to enhanced Emotional Intelligence and the level of exchange it can elicit.

My son, Christian was born in 1984, in Holland, where I was living.

I was longing to work with people, to teach, to raise consciousness, so I did my certifications as a Coach and ELI-MP through iPEC Coaching, where all the values of my earlier training and exciting new ways of looking at the work became alive again. I signed up right away.

So now, the Core Energy Coaching Process from iPEC Coaching and the experience I gained from my studies and work in Core Energetics, meet, as one.

This is my commitment to be of service to others; I am excited, a child in awe, to see others rise and grow…to contribute to the healing process of others. I

I am planning an online women’s group where survivors can grow together, and I look so forward to reignite this process.

I also am singing and preparing my CDs for distribution. The End/The Beginning

Learn more at http://quantumtransitions.com/