8 Things Survivors Need to Stop Apologizing for | Part 1 | Needing Rest

 

So many survivors learned rest was laziness or weakness. But when your nervous system has spent years surviving, rest is repair. What's your relationship with rest right now?

#beyondsurviving #healingsexualtrauma #stopapologizing #rest

The Part of Healing We Don’t Talk About Enough

There’s a moment many people on a healing path quietly come to - often after years of trying, pushing, and doing all the “right” things.

It’s the moment they realize:

“I thought I had moved on…so why does my body still feel this way?”

Why does anxiety still show up when life looks okay on the outside?

Why does connection still feel uncertain, even in safer relationships?

Why does the past still feel present?

For a long time, I thought healing meant getting to a place where the past no longer affected me. Where I could close the door on what happened and finally be “done.”

But what I’ve learned - both personally and through my work - is that trauma doesn’t resolve just because we understand it or because life improves on the surface.

Especially when trauma has been ongoing or relational, the nervous system adapts in deep ways. Even when the danger is gone, the patterns of protection can remain.

I know this place well.

There have been seasons where everything in my life looked “fine” on paper, but internally I was still carrying tension, hypervigilance, and a sense of bracing for something to go wrong. Not because I was broken, but because my system had learned that was the safest way to exist.

What I’ve come to understand is this:

Healing is about learning how to move with what has happened.

To stop fighting the parts of us that still carry impact.

To stop judging the responses that once protected us.

And to begin building enough internal safety that those patterns don’t have to run everything anymore.

Healing is not erasing your past.

It’s learning how to be in relationship with it differently.

And from that place, something new becomes possible!

A Small Action You Can Take Today:
Take one quiet moment today and notice your body, not your thoughts.

Ask yourself gently:

Where am I bracing right now?

What might this part of me be trying to protect me from?

You don’t have to fix anything.

Just notice.

Then place a hand somewhere on your body - chest, belly, arm - and offer a simple reminder:

“I’m here with you.”

That alone is a form of healing. Not dramatic. Not forced. Just present.

To the journey,

Rachel

P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.

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RESOURCE OF THE MONTH

What My Bones Know is a powerful memoir by journalist Stephanie Foo that explores complex PTSD and the long-lasting impact of childhood trauma. By her thirties, Stephanie appeared successful on the outside, but privately she was struggling with panic attacks and emotional overwhelm. After being diagnosed with C-PTSD, she began a deeply personal journey to understand how years of abuse and abandonment continued to shape her life.

Through interviews with experts, personal reflection, and a range of healing approaches, Stephanie investigates both the science of trauma and her own lived experience. In doing so, she comes to a profound realization: healing is not about moving on from trauma, but learning how to move with it.

GET YOUR COPY HERE!

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UPCOMING EVENTS


brought to you in partnership with CPTSD Foundation

As survivors of childhood abuse, we can have an enormous amount of anger inside us. This month, we’ll explore anger and how it is a healthy and natural response to abuse and exploitation.

REGISTER HERE

How can love feel like home?

I recently had the great joy of connecting with Robyn Vogel. She is the author of the book Come Back to Love: A Path to Healing and host of the syndicated radio show of the same name! She has spent more than two decades helping individuals and couples heal emotional wounds, release shame, and experience deeper, safer, more fulfilling love - within themselves and in relationship.

You all are in for such a treat! Her work carries such warmth, depth, and grounded wisdom, and I’m so glad to be sharing her here with you.

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RACHEL: What inspired you to start writing about/exploring this topic?

ROBYN: Healing from the death of my mom when I was 10 years old, and then losing my dad early and my partner at 40, led me to dive deeply into what it takes to HEAL and love again....to have the courage. To keep opening my heart even if I feel afraid.



RACHEL: What key insights or lessons have you learned through your experiences with this subject?

ROBYN: One of the most important lessons I've learned through Come Back to Love is that love doesn't disappear because we're broken or "too much" - it fades when our nervous system learns that closeness isn't safe.

Most people I work with are intelligent, self-aware, and deeply caring. They understand their patterns, have done years of personal growth, and yet still find themselves repeating the same dynamics in relationship. What I've learned is that insight alone isn't enough. Real change happens when we work with the body, the heart, and the protective strategies that once kept us safe.

Come Back to Love taught me - and continues to teach me - that healing isn't about forcing openness or trying harder. It's about slowing down, building internal safety, and gently renegotiating our relationship with vulnerability.

When we do that, love doesn't feel like a risk - it feels like home.



RACHEL:  What challenges do you think people face when dealing with this topic and how can they overcome them?

ROBYN: One of the biggest challenges people face around love and intimacy is the gap between what they know and what they can actually live.

Many people understand their patterns intellectually. They can name their attachment style, see how their childhood or past relationships shaped them, and recognize what isn't working. And yet, in real moments of closeness, conflict, or vulnerability, their system reacts before their insight can help.

Another challenge is that self-protection often masquerades as independence, strength, or emotional maturity. People may appear "together" on the outside while feeling guarded, lonely, or disconnected on the inside - and they don't always realize how much armor they're carrying until they try to let someone in.

There's also deep shame around needing love at all. Many people believe they should be over it, healed by now, or able to do it alone. That shame can keep them stuck, cycling between longing and withdrawal.

People struggle because most approaches to healing focus on fixing rather than creating the safety required for real emotional change. Without that safety, the heart stays cautious - and love remains just out of reach.


RACHEL: Are there any common myths or misunderstandings about this topic that you'd like to address?

ROBYN: One of the most common misconceptions about love and healing is that awareness alone should be enough to change our patterns. People often believe that once they "know better," they should automatically "do better."

When old reactions or attachments resurface, they judge themselves as failing. In truth, insight doesn't regulate the nervous system - safety, attunement, and lived relational experiences do.

Another myth is that the right partner will make everything feel easy. Many people assume that healthy love won't activate old wounds. Yet authentic intimacy often brings our unhealed parts to the surface, not because something is wrong, but because something is ready to be healed.

There's also a widespread belief that needing support means you're weak or not healed enough. This keeps people trying to fix relational wounds alone, even though most attachment injuries were created in relationship - and are healed most effectively in relationship.

Many people assume healing means eliminating fear, pain, or protective behaviors. In my work, healing isn't about getting rid of parts of yourself. It's about understanding them, softening toward them, and allowing your truest, most grounded self to lead - so love becomes a place of safety rather than survival.


RACHEL: What resources, tools, or next steps would you recommend for readers who want to dive deeper into this topic?

ROBYN: I recommend resources that support both insight and lived integration - tools that help people not only understand their patterns, but gently shift them in real time.

At the core of this work is my book, Come Back to Love: A Path to Healing, which offers a clear, compassionate framework for understanding why we repeat certain relationship patterns and how to change them. The book guides readers through my Four Gates Approach, blending Internal Family Systems (IFS), nervous system attunement, somatic awareness, and heart-centered reflection. Each chapter includes practical exercises and questions that invite readers into an experiential healing process, not just an intellectual one. 

I also have my program Ready for Love, which takes people on a journey from fear, anxiety and a lack of confidence in love to knowing they are lovable and have the confidence to choose a healthy relationship going forward! You can learn more about that here: https://www.comebacktolove.com/heal-your-heart

Use the coupon code RACHEL500 at checkout to get a special discount!

Beyond the book, I often encourage practices that support nervous system regulation and self-connection - such as journaling, mindful embodiment, breath awareness, and relational reflection. I also recommend working with trauma-informed practitioners or communities where healing can happen safely in relationship.

Ultimately, the most powerful "tool" is learning how to listen to your inner world with curiosity and compassion - because when your system feels safe, love becomes something you can choose and sustain, rather than chase or endure.


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What I really take from Robyn’s work is this reminder that love is not just something we learn to understand - it’s something we learn to feel safe enough to stay open to. There’s something so powerful in the way she brings it back to the nervous system and the body, not as a concept to master, but as an experience to slowly, gently rebuild.

So many people think they are “bad at relationships” or “too much” or “not ready yet,” when what’s actually happening is their system is doing exactly what it learned to do to survive. Her work offers such a compassionate reframe - nothing is broken, it’s all protective, and it can be met with care instead of shame.

I really appreciate how she brings people back to the idea that love is not something we force ourselves into. It’s something we return to when safety starts to grow again.

To love, 

Rachel

P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.

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RESOURCE OF THE MONTH

At ten Robyn Vogel lost her mother without warning-an ache that hijacked her self-worth her trust and every relationship that followed for decades. Come Back to Love braids Robyn's experiences with her proven healing road map the Four Gates a trauma-informed process that has already guided hundreds from repeating pain to receiving real love. Part memoir part practical guide this book reveals how Robyn found her way back to wholeness-and how you can too.

Inside you will do the following:

• Identify the hidden wounds that keep you attracting the wrong people-or no one at all
• Walk the Four Gates and engage with practical exercises
• Learn to trust your body and open up to intimacy that feels safe passionate and lasting

If you're tired of asking  What's wrong with me? and ready to come home to the love that has always been yours this book is your invitation.

GET YOUR COPY HERE!

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UPCOMING EVENTS


brought to you in partnership with CPTSD Foundation

Setting boundaries and assertiveness are both essential for survivors if we want to be treated with respect and improve our self-esteem. We'll explore the process of learning to set boundaries & be assertive.

REGISTER HERE

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Money can feel heavy, complicated, and even stressful – especially when old beliefs, scarcity mindsets, or past experiences get in the way.

This masterclass is designed to help you shift your relationship with money by exploring it as energy and creating a framework that supports safety, choice, and flow.

Whether you’re navigating fear-based money beliefs, feeling stuck in scarcity, or simply wanting to use money as a tool to support your life and values… this training will give you practical strategies you can apply immediately.

REGISTER HERE
7-Day Replay Included!

What does it actually mean to be safe?

I recently had the great joy of connecting with Stacey Fitzgerald. She is a Certified Nutritionist, Somatic Breathwork Practitioner, Trauma-Informed horse trainer, Singer/Songwriter, Wife, Mother, and Creator of Becoming Safe - an online course and community for healing through all forms of betrayal trauma. 

As soon as we started talking, I just knew I had to introduce you to her. I even had the chance to attend her amazing breathwork workshop, and it was so soothing, healing, and eye-opening!

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RACHEL: What inspired you to start writing about/exploring this topic?

STACEY: In February 2021, I had what I call my Breakdown/Breakthrough - a resurfacing of unhealed and undiagnosed Complex PTSD. I was so rocked in my body, especially because I had done a lot of study and had a reasonably deep head knowledge of what I thought it was to BE well.

I realized, through my own experience, that the trauma I had processed in my mind, was still stored in my body and had been coming out through my songwriting for decades!

And it was now coming out through severe panic attacks and debilitating physical symptoms.

I began a deeper study of all things nervous system and trauma, adding to my head knowledge, and then really finding and DOING the things for my body that helped to move the needle from KNOWING to BEING.


RACHEL: What key insights or lessons have you learned through your experiences with this subject?

STACEY: One of the questions I heard posed early on from an expert I was listening to was, "When in life have you FELT SAFE?" I found myself stunned - a bit because I wasn't really sure what was meant by "safe" and quickly after quite certain that I had NEVER really felt safe!

A key insight from that point was how we needed to REGULATE our nervous system BEFORE we processed trauma. I realized I had been processing in my head, but not regulating my body. Regulation before processing is key!

The other key insight has been that our nervous system is not our enemy, even when it feels like it is! It is actually doing exactly what it was designed to do - keep us alive, and alert us that it needs our attention. We are not broken - we are functioning exactly as intended.

The missing piece was understanding the language of the nervous system and how to listen and respond to it.

Our body knows the way home, and when we learn to listen, and become friends with our nervous system, the way back to our true self becomes much clearer.


RACHEL: What challenges or misconceptions do you think people face when dealing with this topic, and how can they overcome them?

STACEY: I think many people feel like something is "wrong" with them - that they are alone, crazy, and broken. This misconception, as explained above, can lead to utter hopelessness, depression or anxiety, and serious health issues among many other uncomfortable and debilitating effects.

Knowing that the answer is closer than they realize and may have just been mislabeled as "the problem" brings hope and a sense of security to someone who may have been feeling really lost for a long time.

Another challenge is that others in their life may not understand what they are going through and so their efforts to "help" can often be more harmful than helpful and lead to further disconnect, loneliness, and confusion.

By connecting with a program, a person, or a community that gets them - understands what they're going through and how to take steps back to feeling safe - can be a lifeline in a sea of chaos!


RACHEL: Are there any common myths or misunderstandings about this topic that you'd like to address?

STACEY: The word itself - SAFE - can have multiple meanings and implications. For instance, "playing it safe" can infer that someone is hiding or holding back. And feeling "unsafe" can mistakenly be attributed only to physically dangerous situations, circumstances, and people.

When I refer to BEING SAFE, I'm talking about a felt sense of being at home in your own body, able to be calm and alert at the same time, having a nervous system that can handle the stresses of life and then return to a restful state when needed. It's about having CHOICE and not being STUCK in PATTERNS of disfunction.

When I say you can BE SAFE I use the letters as an acronym to describe how it feels: Secure & Stabile; Awake, Aware, and Alive; Free from...and Free to...; and Expansive - able to grow, learn, explore, and step into the fullness of what it means to be YOU!

Now who doesn't want to be SAFE when viewed in that light!?


RACHEL: What resources, tools, or next steps would you recommend for readers who want to dive deeper into this topic?

STACEY: I highly recommend learning about how your nervous system functions and what it's doing for you, and developing a regular practice of working with your body (physiology & nervous system), soul (mind/thought, emotions/feelings, will/choices), and spirit (your breath and connection to Breath/Spirit).

I offer an online course and community that contains all of that called Becoming Safe, as well as a rich resource section with connections to other people and sources like the work Rachel does.

I also offer a 90 Day daily somatic practice journey called "The Doing" which is a great way to gently work with your nervous system and learn it's language, developing a friendship that serves you daily and has your back, as well as Somatic Breathwork Sessions designed to do the "deep" cleaning of clearing out what no longer serves us and re-wiring into how we want to feel and show up.

Both of those offerings, as well as links to my Facebook pages and YouTube channels can be found on my website: onpurposeinternational.org

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To your healing,

Rachel


P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.

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RESOURCE OF THE MONTH

You will get to be part of the whole process and learn about Stacey, the deep questions she so often ask that spark the deep songs that come flowing out, the stories behind why she's writing the song, and you'll get to hear it develop from its first notes on the guitar or piano, and its first scribbles on the page!

EXPLORE HERE!

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UPCOMING EVENTS


brought to you in partnership with CPTSD Foundation

As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, healing is not linear - and yet, it is still a process!

This month, we explore the stages of healing and the best resources to access at each stage. 

REGISTER HERE

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Soul Care for Self-Care is a virtual summit for those navigating the long arc of healing from sexual trauma - and the supporters, advocates, and space-holders who walk beside them.

Over four sessions, we’ll explore what it means to reconnect with your body, reclaim your strengths, and stay rooted in a world that often feels unsteady. You’ll receive tools, support, and space to heal - without pressure to perform.

* Embracing Your Value through CliftonStrengths

* Taking Charge of Your Trauma Brain

* Coming Home to the Body: Neuro-Somatic Pathways Out of Fight, Flight & Freeze

* Staying Regulated in Collective Chaos

Come as you are. You’ll be met with care.

Date: 3/14
Time: 9a-1:30p PT / 12p-4:30p ET

REGISTER HERE

Finding Beauty in the Pieces: A Journey Through Healing

I’ve had the privilege of knowing Karen Carey since 2017, and over the years, it’s been incredible to watch both of us evolve and grow through our own healing journeys. Even from afar, tracking her path has been inspiring - seeing someone take the broken pieces of life and intentionally turn them into something whole, meaningful, and even joyful.

This month, I want to introduce you to her book, Unbroken: Turning Your Pieces Into Peace and Joy.

While I haven’t read it cover-to-cover yet, I’ve witnessed Karen’s wisdom, compassion, and courage over the years - and I know this book reflects exactly that. Unbroken blends memoir with practical guidance, reflection prompts, and embodied practices, giving readers a roadmap for healing, self-discovery, and transformation.

What I love about this is the reminder that repairing can be messy - and that’s okay.

Healing isn’t linear.

Sometimes it feels chaotic, confusing, or even impossible.

And yet, when we show up for ourselves, work through the hard stuff, and let our growth unfold, the results are always beautiful.

Unbroken is for anyone who’s ever felt lost or disconnected, and it’s a reminder that our wounds don’t mean we’re damaged - they are invitations to become more whole, more resilient, and more connected to our true selves.

A small action you can take today:
Take a moment to look at one area of your life where you feel “broken” or scattered. Write down one small step you could take to care for that part of yourself this week - whether it’s journaling, setting a boundary, or asking for support. Even a tiny action is a way to start turning pieces into peace.


To celebrating the beautiful, messy, powerful work of healing that each of us is doing!

P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.

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RESOURCE OF THE MONTH

Unbroken is a powerful blend of memoir and self-help that invites readers on a journey of healing, self-discovery, and transformation.

Through deeply personal stories, Karen Carey shares how she found peace, meaning, and even joy in the very places she once felt broken. With honesty, compassion, and hard-won wisdom, Unbroken offers readers a new perspective: that our wounds don't mean we're damaged-they are invitations to become more whole.

Drawing on decades of experience as a life coach and spiritual guide, Karen weaves practical guidance, reflection prompts, and embodied practices into each chapter, creating a roadmap for readers to reclaim their power and reconnect with their true selves.

Written for anyone who has ever felt lost or disconnected, Unbroken is both a comfort and a call to action. It reminds us that healing is possible-and that what once broke us can become the very thing that sets us free.

GET YOUR COPY

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UPCOMING EVENTS


brought to you in partnership with CPTSD Foundation

Relationships have great significance for us all in terms of support, love, validation, a sense of belonging, and even a sense of "family." We will explore what happens around our needs and wants in relationships and what comes up around getting attached.  

REGISTER HERE

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Join us for this transformative workshop all about setting intentions in a way that actually feels powerful, doable, and aligned with who you are becoming.

This isn’t about forcing yourself into resolutions that fizzle out. It’s about tuning in, getting grounded, and choosing what you want to create from a place of clarity, self trust, and yes...a little badass energy.

If you’re craving a reset, a moment to reconnect with yourself, or a space where your intentions actually stick, this class is for you.

REGISTER HERE

Includes 7-Day Replay