8 Things Survivors Need to Stop Apologizing For | Part 2 | Having Boundaries

  

Boundaries are not punishment. They allow safe connection while helping you stay connected to yourself. What boundary are you practicing right now?

#beyondsurviving #healingsexualtrauma #stopapologizing #boundaries

Breaking the Silence Around Sibling Abuse

I recently had the pleasure of connecting with Josephine McKinney, a truly inspiring woman whose life and work are deeply rooted in faith, creativity, healing, and service. Raised in California’s East Bay and now living in the Central Valley, she has spent years encouraging and supporting others through ministry, community outreach, writing, music, teaching Bible study, and even cooking - bringing people together in meaningful and heartfelt ways.

As we began talking, I was immediately struck by her warmth, resilience, and the beautiful way creativity has been woven throughout her healing journey. What began as writing poetry in her late teens during a difficult season became both an outlet and a lifeline - and continues to shape the way she connects with and uplifts others today. I’m so grateful to introduce you to her and share a little of her story with you.

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RACHEL: What inspired you to start writing about/exploring this topic?

JOSEPHINE: When I found myself trying to survive one of the most traumatic moments of my life, I realized just how much I had kept buried for years. I carried a heavy mixture of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and silence, and for a long time, I struggled to process what had happened to me. As someone who has always loved reading and learning, I naturally began searching for books, workbooks, and faith-based resources that could help me heal while still holding onto my relationship with God.

What shocked me was how difficult those resources were to find within the faith community. I found many conversations centered around "purity" but very little that spoke directly to the pain, confusion, and healing journey of surviving s*xual assault and harassment in the church. I knew I could not have been the only person feeling unseen in that space.

That realization is what gave birth to When My Brother Touched Me: A Look at S*xual Assault and Harassment in the Church. Writing became both an act of necessity and a part of my own healing journey. My prayer is that through sharing my story, others will feel less alone, find the courage to heal, and experience freedom through truth.


RACHEL: What key insights or lessons have you learned through your experiences with this subject?

JOSEPHINE: One of the most important lessons I've learned through this journey is that forgiveness is far deeper than simply saying, "I forgive you." Real forgiveness began when I stopped seeing myself only through the lens of shame and started extending grace to the broken version of myself that was trying to survive. For a long time, I carried guilt for what happened to me. I replayed every decision, every red flag, every moment I stayed silent, and I condemned myself long before anyone else had the chance to.

What I eventually learned is that accountability and self-hatred are not the same thing. I could acknowledge where I ignored warning signs or stayed trapped in unhealthy cycles without taking responsibility for the abuse itself. That distinction changed my life. Once I began forgiving myself, I no longer needed to stay chained to bitterness toward the men who hurt me. Forgiveness became less about excusing them and more about freeing myself. I realized I could remember what happened without allowing it to own me. That freedom became a major part of my healing journey and my relationship with God.


RACHEL:  What challenges do you think people face when dealing with this topic and how can they overcome them?

JOSEPHINE: One of the biggest challenges people face when dealing with s*xual assault and harassment, especially within the Church, is the discomfort that comes with confronting hard truths. In many faith communities, there's often a strong desire to protect the image of the church, preserve leadership, and avoid conversations that feel divisive or "too heavy"! But as I discuss in When My Brother Touched Me: A Look at S*xual Assault and Harassment in the Church, silence does not protect people, it protects patterns.

Many survivors struggle to speak because they fear shame, disbelief, gossip, or being blamed for what happened to them. And many churches struggle because they've never been taught how to respond to these situations in a trauma-informed and compassionate way. Unfortunately, discomfort often causes people to minimize pain instead of making space for healing.

I believe overcoming this begins with courage and education. We have to create environments where truth and grace can coexist, where survivors are listened to without judgment, and where accountability is seen as an act of love rather than an attack. Healing starts when we stop avoiding the conversation and begin responding with honesty, wisdom, and compassion.

RACHEL: Are there any common myths or misunderstandings about this topic that you'd like to address?

JOSEPHINE: As I discuss in Chapter 4 of my book, one of the most dangerous misconceptions surrounding abuse is the belief that only children or young girls are vulnerable to grooming and exploitation. The reality is that abuse can happen to anyone across the lifespan, from infancy to the elderly. Vulnerability is a human condition, not an age category.

Perpetrators often look less at someone's age or gender and more at emotional need, access, isolation, trust, insecurity, or the desire for affirmation and belonging. Men and boys can be groomed and abused just as women and girls can, yet many suffer silently because society and even faith communities often overlook their experiences. Likewise, adults are frequently dismissed because people assume maturity automatically protects someone from manipulation.

Grooming is often subtle and relational. It can happen through mentorship, spiritual authority, emotional dependency, secrecy, or gradually crossed boundaries. That is why these conversations are so important. We cannot truly protect people if our understanding of abuse remains narrow or incomplete.



RACHEL: What resources, tools, or next steps would you recommend for readers who want to dive deeper into this topic?

JOSEPHINE: One resource I highly recommend is RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network). Their 24-hour National S*xual Assault Hotline, 1-800-656-4673, as well as their online chat support, became a tremendous source of support and education for me during my own healing journey long before I ever found the strength to write When My Brother Touched Me: A Look at S*xual Assault and Harassment in the Church. RAINN offers compassionate support, educational resources, safety information, and guidance for survivors and loved ones navigating the effects of s*xual violence.

For those wanting to continue deeper conversations around healing and faith, my book is currently available alongside two upcoming companion workbooks. The first, The Work of Healing, is a survivor-focused workbook designed to help individuals process trauma, reflect honestly, and move toward healing through guided exercises, journaling, and faith-centered encouragement. The second, A Blueprint for Cultivating Safer Sanctuaries, is a leadership workbook created to help churches and ministry leaders build safer, more informed, and trauma-conscious faith communities.

My Book, Resources as well as My workbooks can be found at www.BalancewithJosephine.com by navigating to the Purified for Purpose Publishing Co. page.



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What I appreciate so much about Josephine's story is the courage it takes to speak honestly about something so many people have been taught to keep silent. There is such power in the way she names both the pain and the healing - especially the distinction between accountability and self-hatred. I know so many survivors carry shame for things that were never theirs to carry, and her words offer such an important reminder: healing begins when we stop abandoning ourselves in the aftermath of what happened.

I also deeply resonate with her call for truth and compassion to coexist. Silence does not create safety. Honest, trauma-informed conversations do. My hope is that her story helps others feel less alone and reminds anyone struggling that healing, freedom, and self-compassion are possible.


To raising our voices,

Rachel

P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.

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RESOURCE OF THE MONTH

1in6, a program of Zero Abuse Project, helps men who have had unwanted or abusive s*xual experiences live healthier, happier lives by providing information and support resources online including clinically-facilitated, anonymous, chat-based online support groups for male survivors each and every week.

In addition, The Bristlecone Project - inspired by Bristlecone pines that exist in the harshest possible conditions yet survive and thrive for thousands of years - is 1in6's vast video library bringing the stories of countless men across the world to the online community of survivors.

The contributors are a courageous group of men who are unwilling to be silenced by stigma and shame, and shine a bright light on some of the darkest corners of our world through the resilience and hope of their lived experience.

I am so glad to highlight their work and will be bringing you more this coming Fall!

LEARN MORE HERE!

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UPCOMING EVENTS


brought to you in partnership with CPTSD Foundation

We’ll explore the many reasons it’s so difficult to break the silence including the many negative messages we receive about ourselves and how to find our voice.

REGISTER HERE

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I’m honored to be speaking on June 13 at 10:30a PT, alongside other incredible voices supporting parents and families.

This is a free virtual event and you can join live here:

June 13
Facebook: Watch on Facebook
YouTube: Watch on YouTube

June 14
Facebook: Watch on Facebook
YouTube: Watch on YouTube

8 Things Survivors Need to Stop Apologizing For | Part 1 | Needing Rest

 

So many survivors learned rest was laziness or weakness. But when your nervous system has spent years surviving, rest is repair. What's your relationship with rest right now?

#beyondsurviving #healingsexualtrauma #stopapologizing #rest

The Part of Healing We Don’t Talk About Enough

There’s a moment many people on a healing path quietly come to - often after years of trying, pushing, and doing all the “right” things.

It’s the moment they realize:

“I thought I had moved on…so why does my body still feel this way?”

Why does anxiety still show up when life looks okay on the outside?

Why does connection still feel uncertain, even in safer relationships?

Why does the past still feel present?

For a long time, I thought healing meant getting to a place where the past no longer affected me. Where I could close the door on what happened and finally be “done.”

But what I’ve learned - both personally and through my work - is that trauma doesn’t resolve just because we understand it or because life improves on the surface.

Especially when trauma has been ongoing or relational, the nervous system adapts in deep ways. Even when the danger is gone, the patterns of protection can remain.

I know this place well.

There have been seasons where everything in my life looked “fine” on paper, but internally I was still carrying tension, hypervigilance, and a sense of bracing for something to go wrong. Not because I was broken, but because my system had learned that was the safest way to exist.

What I’ve come to understand is this:

Healing is about learning how to move with what has happened.

To stop fighting the parts of us that still carry impact.

To stop judging the responses that once protected us.

And to begin building enough internal safety that those patterns don’t have to run everything anymore.

Healing is not erasing your past.

It’s learning how to be in relationship with it differently.

And from that place, something new becomes possible!

A Small Action You Can Take Today:
Take one quiet moment today and notice your body, not your thoughts.

Ask yourself gently:

Where am I bracing right now?

What might this part of me be trying to protect me from?

You don’t have to fix anything.

Just notice.

Then place a hand somewhere on your body - chest, belly, arm - and offer a simple reminder:

“I’m here with you.”

That alone is a form of healing. Not dramatic. Not forced. Just present.

To the journey,

Rachel

P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.

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RESOURCE OF THE MONTH

What My Bones Know is a powerful memoir by journalist Stephanie Foo that explores complex PTSD and the long-lasting impact of childhood trauma. By her thirties, Stephanie appeared successful on the outside, but privately she was struggling with panic attacks and emotional overwhelm. After being diagnosed with C-PTSD, she began a deeply personal journey to understand how years of abuse and abandonment continued to shape her life.

Through interviews with experts, personal reflection, and a range of healing approaches, Stephanie investigates both the science of trauma and her own lived experience. In doing so, she comes to a profound realization: healing is not about moving on from trauma, but learning how to move with it.

GET YOUR COPY HERE!

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UPCOMING EVENTS


brought to you in partnership with CPTSD Foundation

As survivors of childhood abuse, we can have an enormous amount of anger inside us. This month, we’ll explore anger and how it is a healthy and natural response to abuse and exploitation.

REGISTER HERE

How can love feel like home?

I recently had the great joy of connecting with Robyn Vogel. She is the author of the book Come Back to Love: A Path to Healing and host of the syndicated radio show of the same name! She has spent more than two decades helping individuals and couples heal emotional wounds, release shame, and experience deeper, safer, more fulfilling love - within themselves and in relationship.

You all are in for such a treat! Her work carries such warmth, depth, and grounded wisdom, and I’m so glad to be sharing her here with you.

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RACHEL: What inspired you to start writing about/exploring this topic?

ROBYN: Healing from the death of my mom when I was 10 years old, and then losing my dad early and my partner at 40, led me to dive deeply into what it takes to HEAL and love again....to have the courage. To keep opening my heart even if I feel afraid.



RACHEL: What key insights or lessons have you learned through your experiences with this subject?

ROBYN: One of the most important lessons I've learned through Come Back to Love is that love doesn't disappear because we're broken or "too much" - it fades when our nervous system learns that closeness isn't safe.

Most people I work with are intelligent, self-aware, and deeply caring. They understand their patterns, have done years of personal growth, and yet still find themselves repeating the same dynamics in relationship. What I've learned is that insight alone isn't enough. Real change happens when we work with the body, the heart, and the protective strategies that once kept us safe.

Come Back to Love taught me - and continues to teach me - that healing isn't about forcing openness or trying harder. It's about slowing down, building internal safety, and gently renegotiating our relationship with vulnerability.

When we do that, love doesn't feel like a risk - it feels like home.



RACHEL:  What challenges do you think people face when dealing with this topic and how can they overcome them?

ROBYN: One of the biggest challenges people face around love and intimacy is the gap between what they know and what they can actually live.

Many people understand their patterns intellectually. They can name their attachment style, see how their childhood or past relationships shaped them, and recognize what isn't working. And yet, in real moments of closeness, conflict, or vulnerability, their system reacts before their insight can help.

Another challenge is that self-protection often masquerades as independence, strength, or emotional maturity. People may appear "together" on the outside while feeling guarded, lonely, or disconnected on the inside - and they don't always realize how much armor they're carrying until they try to let someone in.

There's also deep shame around needing love at all. Many people believe they should be over it, healed by now, or able to do it alone. That shame can keep them stuck, cycling between longing and withdrawal.

People struggle because most approaches to healing focus on fixing rather than creating the safety required for real emotional change. Without that safety, the heart stays cautious - and love remains just out of reach.


RACHEL: Are there any common myths or misunderstandings about this topic that you'd like to address?

ROBYN: One of the most common misconceptions about love and healing is that awareness alone should be enough to change our patterns. People often believe that once they "know better," they should automatically "do better."

When old reactions or attachments resurface, they judge themselves as failing. In truth, insight doesn't regulate the nervous system - safety, attunement, and lived relational experiences do.

Another myth is that the right partner will make everything feel easy. Many people assume that healthy love won't activate old wounds. Yet authentic intimacy often brings our unhealed parts to the surface, not because something is wrong, but because something is ready to be healed.

There's also a widespread belief that needing support means you're weak or not healed enough. This keeps people trying to fix relational wounds alone, even though most attachment injuries were created in relationship - and are healed most effectively in relationship.

Many people assume healing means eliminating fear, pain, or protective behaviors. In my work, healing isn't about getting rid of parts of yourself. It's about understanding them, softening toward them, and allowing your truest, most grounded self to lead - so love becomes a place of safety rather than survival.


RACHEL: What resources, tools, or next steps would you recommend for readers who want to dive deeper into this topic?

ROBYN: I recommend resources that support both insight and lived integration - tools that help people not only understand their patterns, but gently shift them in real time.

At the core of this work is my book, Come Back to Love: A Path to Healing, which offers a clear, compassionate framework for understanding why we repeat certain relationship patterns and how to change them. The book guides readers through my Four Gates Approach, blending Internal Family Systems (IFS), nervous system attunement, somatic awareness, and heart-centered reflection. Each chapter includes practical exercises and questions that invite readers into an experiential healing process, not just an intellectual one. 

I also have my program Ready for Love, which takes people on a journey from fear, anxiety and a lack of confidence in love to knowing they are lovable and have the confidence to choose a healthy relationship going forward! You can learn more about that here: https://www.comebacktolove.com/heal-your-heart

Use the coupon code RACHEL500 at checkout to get a special discount!

Beyond the book, I often encourage practices that support nervous system regulation and self-connection - such as journaling, mindful embodiment, breath awareness, and relational reflection. I also recommend working with trauma-informed practitioners or communities where healing can happen safely in relationship.

Ultimately, the most powerful "tool" is learning how to listen to your inner world with curiosity and compassion - because when your system feels safe, love becomes something you can choose and sustain, rather than chase or endure.


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What I really take from Robyn’s work is this reminder that love is not just something we learn to understand - it’s something we learn to feel safe enough to stay open to. There’s something so powerful in the way she brings it back to the nervous system and the body, not as a concept to master, but as an experience to slowly, gently rebuild.

So many people think they are “bad at relationships” or “too much” or “not ready yet,” when what’s actually happening is their system is doing exactly what it learned to do to survive. Her work offers such a compassionate reframe - nothing is broken, it’s all protective, and it can be met with care instead of shame.

I really appreciate how she brings people back to the idea that love is not something we force ourselves into. It’s something we return to when safety starts to grow again.

To love, 

Rachel

P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.

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RESOURCE OF THE MONTH

At ten Robyn Vogel lost her mother without warning-an ache that hijacked her self-worth her trust and every relationship that followed for decades. Come Back to Love braids Robyn's experiences with her proven healing road map the Four Gates a trauma-informed process that has already guided hundreds from repeating pain to receiving real love. Part memoir part practical guide this book reveals how Robyn found her way back to wholeness-and how you can too.

Inside you will do the following:

• Identify the hidden wounds that keep you attracting the wrong people-or no one at all
• Walk the Four Gates and engage with practical exercises
• Learn to trust your body and open up to intimacy that feels safe passionate and lasting

If you're tired of asking  What's wrong with me? and ready to come home to the love that has always been yours this book is your invitation.

GET YOUR COPY HERE!

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UPCOMING EVENTS


brought to you in partnership with CPTSD Foundation

Setting boundaries and assertiveness are both essential for survivors if we want to be treated with respect and improve our self-esteem. We'll explore the process of learning to set boundaries & be assertive.

REGISTER HERE

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Money can feel heavy, complicated, and even stressful – especially when old beliefs, scarcity mindsets, or past experiences get in the way.

This masterclass is designed to help you shift your relationship with money by exploring it as energy and creating a framework that supports safety, choice, and flow.

Whether you’re navigating fear-based money beliefs, feeling stuck in scarcity, or simply wanting to use money as a tool to support your life and values… this training will give you practical strategies you can apply immediately.

REGISTER HERE
7-Day Replay Included!