3 Mistakes Most Adults Make When Trying to Protect Children

  

Most adults are doing their best with incomplete information ... let's fill in the blanks!

Purchase the 90 min How to Protect the Children You Love Masterclass:

https://www.beyondsurviving.org/protect-children-enroll/

#empoweredparenting #beyondsurviving #abusepreventioneducation

5 Simple Statements to Teach Body Autonomy

 

Let's build up your toolkit for teaching body autonomy to the children you love.

Purchase lifetime access to my masterclass to learn communication skills that will help you protect the children you love!

https://www.beyondsurviving.org/protect-children-enroll/

#empoweredparenting #beyondsurviving #abusepreventioneducation

Prevention starts with patterns, not fear.

    

How to Protect the Children You Love: 3 Mistakes Well-Meaning Adults Make When Trying to Prevent Abuse (and What To Do Instead)

Purchase lifetime access to my masterclass to gain the skills you need:

https://www.beyondsurviving.org/protect-children-enroll/

#empoweredparenting #beyondsurviving #abusepreventioneducation

Warning signs are not enough to protect children

   

If prevention relies only on warning signs, we miss too much and leave children too exposed.

Learn what really helps prevent abuse in my class How to Protect the Children You Love:

https://www.beyondsurviving.org/protect-children-enroll/

#empoweredparenting #beyondsurviving #abusepreventioneducation

You Are More Than What Happened To You

 I recently had the opportunity to connect with Becky Perkins through my friend Mike Valente at Zero Abuse Project, and I was immediately impressed by the heart and dedication she brings to this work.

Becky is the Director of Survivor Resiliency at Zero Abuse Project, where she leads SurvivorSpace - an incredible resource created to support adult survivors of childhood s*xual abuse. With more than 23 years of experience as a survivor advocate, Becky has dedicated her career to creating spaces where survivors feel seen, heard, supported, and empowered.

What stood out to me most about Becky is the way she talks about survivors. She doesn’t define people by what happened to them. Instead, she highlights their strength, wisdom, humor, talents, relationships, and the fullness of who they are beyond their trauma.

I’m grateful to introduce you to Becky and share this important conversation about healing, community, and the power of survivor voices.

---

RACHEL: What inspired you to start writing about/exploring this topic?

BECKY: My career in victim advocacy was inspired by my own s*xual assault experience when I was a pre-teen. Growing up and into adulthood, I was fascinated by the mind-body connection as it relates to trauma and health, but I didn't know what I wanted to do for a career. In my early-twenties, I trained to become a volunteer advocate at my local rape crisis center, which enabled me to provide victims who were recently assaulted with the support that didn't exist when it happened to me. I fell in love with this work, which set me on my career path.

Prior to coming to Zero Abuse Project, much of my work was focused on providing direct advocacy to survivors and their loved ones in hospital emergency departments, police departments, and courts. Later, I worked at the state level (Ohio) training advocates from across the state and advocating for survivor-focused public policies and increased funding for victim services.

When I came to Zero Abuse Project, my work shifted to collaborating with survivors as peers rather than being a "service provider." I've partnered with dozens of truly amazing survivors as lived-experience experts to develop and expand the SurivvorSpace website. In the past, I never had the chance to find out how victims' lives evolved over time. With SurvivorSpace, I've had the opportunity to interact with survivors years after their victimization, and with 1in6, I get to cultivate a space where male survivors support each other as adults regarding victimization they suffered as children. It has been incredibly inspiring and the greatest honor of my career to partner with survivors in this way.


RACHEL: What key insights or lessons have you learned through your experiences with this subject?

BECKY: There are a lot of insights I've gained over the years, but I think the biggest takeaway from my current work with SurvivorSpace and 1in6 is that adult survivors of child s*xual abuse are complex, multifaceted individuals who are so much more than the trauma they've experienced. They are not "broken" people whose lives are defined by their trauma. Yes, they've endured deeply painful experiences and many struggle with the impacts of the trauma for much of their lives, but they're also accomplished professionals, partners, parents, friends, and delightful humans with wonderful talents, humor, and wisdom. They are capable of experiencing joy and love and success. Their lived experiences as survivors might be the reason I've met or collaborated with them, but I value them just as much for who they are beyond their victimization.

I've also come to embrace survivors as true experts when it comes to the best way to prevent s*xual abuse, hold offenders accountable, and support survivors. Who better to ask and consult with than the very people who have experienced these crimes? Too often survivors are overlooked as a source of expertise if they don't have the right letters after their names, but there is no better source of knowledge than lived experience.

Additionally, as a survivor myself and a long-time advocate, I had always kept quiet about my victimization, doing my healing work in private while advocating for other survivors. But the survivors I've partnered with through SurvivorSpace and 1in6 have inspired me to be more vocal about my experience. They've taught me that every survivor's story matters, even my own.


RACHEL:  What challenges do you think people face when dealing with this topic and how can they overcome them?

BECKY: We've come a long way in being able to recognize and talk about s*xual assault and abuse due in part to the #MeToo movement, accusations of s*xual assault against high-profile individuals, and decades of abuse uncovered within various institutions. Our media landscape also has a tendency to fixate on sexual violence in a variety of contexts, which can have both positive and negative effects.

Despite this general societal consciousness, so many survivors feel alone in their experiences. They fear that they won't be believed, that no one will understand what they've been through or why they struggle with it, and that they'll be blamed for their victimization. Unfortunately, the criminal justice system and the responses of people in positions of power sometimes reinforce these fears. Male survivors also navigate persistent societal norms, such as that men and boys can't be abused or that they're weak. The average age that a male survivor of child s*xual abuse first tells someone is 53, and we know that about 1 in every 6 men has experienced sexual abuse, so there are millions of men who are suffering in silence because society has made them feel that they can't or shouldn't talk about it.

There is always much work to be done to improve the systems that address these crimes, and legislation is vitally important - such as eliminating the statute of limitations for s*xual assault and abuse so that offenders can be held accountable even if victims do not report right away. Survivors who want to be part of these efforts should be able to without gatekeeping on the part of professionals or systems. But just as important is creating safe and supported opportunities for survivors to hear from, learn from, and support each other - such as through SurvivorSpace and 1in6. When survivors can share their experiences with each other, they don't feel as isolated and alone. They can see that others have suffered similar traumas, have faced similar challenges, and understand the many nuances of navigating life as an abuse survivor. Humans have always been hard-wired to survive and thrive in community with one another. Enabling survivors to be in community with each other in accessible ways is vitally important.


RACHEL: Are there any common myths or misunderstandings about this topic that you'd like to address?

BECKY: There are so many myths and misunderstandings that persist about s*xual abuse! I'll address a few of them here.

First is the issue of consent. Children are incapable of consenting to any form of s*xual contact with an adult, period. The vast majority of child s*xual abuse is committed by someone the child knows and trusts. Abuse is never the child's fault, but offenders know how to manipulate the emotions and behaviors of children in ways that cause children to believe they are willing participants in - or even the cause of - the abuse. This causes confusion, pain, and self-blame in children, and it often causes non-offending adults to minimize or dismiss abusive behavior. With boys especially, physical arousal during abuse can deepen confusion regarding consent. Misconceptions about consent are sometimes made worse by the media, such as when an article states that an adult "had sex with" a minor. And misperceptions still persist about boys who are sexually abused by women - that the boy was "lucky" instead of a victim of sexual assault.

Second is the belief that the victim, regardless of age, could have or should have fought back, resisted, or run away. S*xual assault and abuse are nearly always committed by someone the victim knows, therefore their guard is automatically down. They're not expecting to be violated by this person. Children are incapable of physically overwhelming an adult in order to escape abuse, but even adults face a physiological reality, which is that when the brain detects a potential threat, it causes the body to react in the interest of survival. We've heard of "fight, flight, freeze, and fawn." These are not reactions that we consciously choose. In a split second, our brains decide for us which response we'll have. I once provided support to a victim who had a black belt in karate and was a champion weightlifter, yet they froze when they were sexually assaulted. The obvious question they and their loved ones had was, "Why didn't you fight back?" The answer is that they couldn't. Their brain had rendered their body essentially paralyzed, making them incapable of fighting back.

Third is the belief that male survivors are weak and thus not "real men." Boys are children and are as incapable of overpowering an offender as girls are. Males of any age are subject to the involuntary "fight, flight, freeze, or fawn" response, so even grown men who are physically strong may not be capable of fighting off an attacker. And, of course, child abusers most often emotionally manipulate boys into believing they are active participants in the abuse. None of this makes boys or men weak. If anything, given the fortitude it takes to navigate the trauma and societal stigma of s*xual abuse, male survivors are arguably stronger than those who have not been forced to face such a traumatic experience.

Fourth is a myth related to a more modern concern: that online exploitation is not that serious. S*xual exploitation of children and adults is increasing at a rapid pace. Teen boys in particular are increasingly targeted by criminal s*xtortion networks, and tragically, several boys have become so overwhelmed by these criminals so quickly that they've died by suicide. Due to the rapid evolution of artificial intelligence tools, it's no longer even necessary for criminals to coerce children into sending nude photos of themselves; the criminals can simply generate an image on their own using AI. While many of these crimes involve no physical (i.e. "hands-on") abuse, the impact is nonetheless incredibly traumatic because the violation is (or is threatened to be) very public in nature.


RACHEL: What resources, tools, or next steps would you recommend for readers who want to dive deeper into this topic?

BECKY: Men and women who are survivors of child s*xual abuse can visit the SurvivorSpace website to access stories, poems, artwork, fact sheets, presentations, and links to resources, podcasts, books, and more - all of it created or recommended by survivors. The website also includes resources for loved ones of survivors.

Adult male survivors can visit the 1in6 website, where they'll find information about myths and facts, video stories from survivors via the Bristlecone Project, and access to chat-based online support groups. The online support groups for male survivors are anonymous and offered each weekday. 1in6 will also soon launch a podcast co-hosted by actor and survivor Anthony Edwards, and writer, podcaster and survivor Beau Friedlander. A companion blog for 1in6 will also soon be published, curated by award-winning author and survivor Stephen Mills.

Both SurvivorSpace and 1in6 are free resources that do not require registration, a referral, or a subscription.

In addition to supporting survivors, Zero Abuse Project also offers expert training and technical assistance for child protection professionals, first responders, and victim assistance providers from multiple disciplines across the country, including forensic interviewers, child abuse prosecutors, and Internet Crimes Against Children (ICAC) investigators. The agency also offers training, support, and prevention resources to faith communities and schools, as well as curricula for colleges and universities on equipping the next generation of child protection professionals.


---

One of the things I love most about what Becky shared is this reminder: survivors are not broken people who need to be fixed. They are whole, complex human beings who have experienced something deeply painful.

For so many survivors, there is a fear that what happened to them becomes the thing that defines them. But Becky beautifully reminds us that trauma is only one part of someone's story - not the entirety of who they are.

I also deeply appreciate her emphasis on the power of survivor voices. There is something incredibly healing about being in spaces where you don’t have to explain yourself, defend your experience, or convince someone that what happened mattered. Being witnessed by people who understand can be a powerful reminder that you are not alone.

Healing was never meant to happen in isolation. We are wired for connection, and sometimes finding community with people who truly get it can be one of the most important steps toward reclaiming joy, belonging, and hope.

To healing,

Rachel


P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by requesting a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.

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Learn more about the Zero Abuse Project

---

UPCOMING EVENTS


brought to you in partnership with CPTSD Foundation

For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, PTSD is an anxiety disorder that is directly related to exposure to abuse and experiences of intense fear, helplessness, or horror. We will discuss PTSD, its symptoms, how memory is impacted, and how to overcome PTSD. 

REGISTER HERE

---

You love the children in your life.

And like most adults, you’ve probably wondered:

• Am I doing enough to protect them?
• How do I talk about body safety without scaring them?
• What if something happened and I didn’t know what to do?
• How do I protect them without becoming anxious or hypervigilant?

If any of this feels familiar, you are not alone.

Most caring adults were never taught how child sexual abuse actually happens, how to recognize risk, or how to respond with confidence.

So they’re left trying to protect children with fear, guesswork, or silence.

This training changes that! Includes 7-Day Replay.

REGISTER HERE

Grooming is often invisible...until it isn't.

  

Want to become an empowered adult who knows how to protect the children you love?

https://www.beyondsurviving.org/protect-children-enroll/

#beyondsurviving #protectchildren #empoweredparenting 

3 Myths Most Adults Believe About Child Sexual Abuse

    

Many assumptions about child safety were never taught they were inherited. 

Purchase lifetime access to How to Protect the Children You Love

https://www.beyondsurviving.org/protect-children-enroll/

Isn't it obvious when a child is being abused?

 

My grandfather abused me for years before it was noticed.

Most adults were never taught how abuse actually unfolds.

Let’s change that!

https://www.beyondsurviving.org/protect-children-enroll/

#beyondsurviving #protectchildren #empoweredparenting 

5 Lies Shame Wants You to Believe: #5 | If I talk about it, I’ll overwhelm people

     

You deserve safe spaces to speak your truth.

One of those spaces is my Shake Off the Shame Masterclass coming up July 23rd. 

It's free and there is a 7-day replay!

https://cptsdfoundation.org/rachel-grant-workshops/

5 Lies Shame Wants You to Believe: #4 | I have to fix myself before I’m worthy of connection

    

Notice where you are waiting to be ready.

We will work with this directly in the Shake Off the Shame Masterclass on July 23.

https://cptsdfoundation.org/rachel-grant-workshops/

5 Lies Shame Wants You to Believe: #3 | My feelings are too much

   

Join me July 23rd for a deeper dive into

how to interrupt shame and reclaim self-trust.

https://cptsdfoundation.org/rachel-grant-workshops/

#shamelies #beyondsurviving #healingsexualtrauma

5 Lies Shame Wants You to Believe: #2 | If I were better, this wouldn't have happened

  

Join me July 23rd for a deeper dive into

how to interrupt shame and reclaim self-trust.

https://cptsdfoundation.org/rachel-grant-workshops/

#shamelies #beyondsurviving #healingsexualtrauma

5 Lies Shame Wants You to Believe: #1 | You are the problem

 

If you're ready to understand and begin releasing shame-based thinking, join me July 23rd for my free masterclass, Shake Off the Shame.

https://cptsdfoundation.org/rachel-grant-workshops/

#shamelies #beyondsurviving #healingsexualtrauma

Shattering the Silence: The Courage to Let Go and Live Forward

I recently had the great joy of connecting with Darlene Lekowski this past February, and I was immediately struck by her warmth, courage, and big-hearted presence. Darlene is an Amazon #1 best-selling author, speaker, and business leader who has transformed decades of silence into a powerful platform for truth, healing, and advocacy.

After more than fifty years of silence surrounding the Sibling S*xual Trauma and Abuse she endured in childhood, she made the life-changing decision to step into her truth and share her story publicly - ultimately prevailing in a civil lawsuit brought against her by her own brother. Her memoir, Shattering Silence: A Story of Survival, Justice and the Power of Telling the Truth, is an Amazon Best Seller in multiple categories and is also available as an audiobook in her own voice.

One of the things I love most from her work is a simple but powerful truth she shares: the secret is now hers to own, and own it she has.

I’m so grateful to introduce her and her story to you here.

---

RACHEL: What inspired you to start writing about/exploring this topic?

DARLENE: At 58 years old, I won a defamation civil lawsuit against one of my two oldest brothers who s*xually assaulted me from the ages of 7 to 12 in attempt to silence me again.

I counter-sued him for the same and on February 5, 2024, a unanimous jury in less than one hour decided I was telling the truth, my brother was lying and I won both cases. But I was still angry and bitter and knew I needed to heal more.

So I went fully public on Siblings Day April 2024 and that October is when I started writing Shattering Silence. I did this to not only heal me but create a path so that I may help others along their journey.

RACHEL: What key insights or lessons have you learned through your experiences with this subject?

DARLENE: 

When Survival Becomes a Cage
For decades, I measured safety by control. If I could outthink every situation, I could keep the chaos of my childhood from repeating itself. But control is not the same as peace.

When you live your life constantly fighting unseen enemies, everyone starts to look like an opponent - even the people who love you. My silence and fear built a prison that looked, from the outside, like success. I had a career, a family, and a life that most would call enviable. Inside, I was still that little girl begging to be believed.

In court, the weight of half a century of fear met the light of truth. The jury believed me. I won. I thought victory would feel like peace, but it didn't. The anger, shame, and bitterness I'd buried didn't dissolve with the verdict. It began to leak out - especially toward those I loved most. That was when I understood: survival had carried me this far, but it could not take me home.

The Breaking Point
The lowest moment of my life wasn't in that courtroom - it was in a restaurant parking lot in Charleston, SC, when I hit my daughter in the head during a PTSD episode, thinking she was the brother who raped me.

That moment became my mirror. It allowed me to see that trauma doesn't end when the abuse stops - it ends only when we stop running from it.

What triggered it wasn't what was happening in front of me - it was what had happened fifty years earlier. My mind replayed a child's terror of abandonment; I believed, for an instant, that my daughter leaving her brother meant she was abandoning me as well and I'd lose her forever. I saw my brother's face where hers should have been. That day, I hit the person I loved most because I had never truly faced the depth of my pain. It shattered me. My daughter told me that unless I got real help, she couldn't have me in her life. And she was right.

Letting Go: The Second Act
The second act of my life began the day I chose to let go. Letting go meant more than forgiving my abusers or accepting the past. It meant dismantling the strategies that had once kept me alive but were now keeping me stuck: the obsession with control, the need to win at all costs, and the belief that silence equals safety. 

Letting go meant surrendering the narrative that being strong meant being unbreakable. It meant learning that vulnerability isn't weakness - it's truth in motion. I started to release the emotional residue that clung to me like black tar: anger, shame, resentment, and bitterness.

All that weight wasn't about me anymore - it was about my brothers, about a history that no longer deserved ownership of my present. It was messy and painful. Healing always is. But once I began purging the darkness, light had somewhere to enter.

What It Means to "Live Forward"
Living Forward isn't just a slogan - it's a daily practice. It means waking up and choosing presence over fear, hope over control, faith over perfection.

It's not erasing the past; it's learning from it and refusing to let it dictate who you are today. To live forward, I had to cultivate seven inner tools that now define my healing mindset: Resilience, Optimism, Courage, Perseverance, Self-awareness, Self-help, and Hope.

These principles became my compass. They guided me away from shame and toward agency. They helped me rebuild relationships, especially with my husband, Tom - my "Viking," whose steadiness has helped me find my own.

Three Lessons in Letting Go
The Charleston Incident taught me that trauma left unhealed becomes transmitted pain. I realized that if I didn't surrender my rage, I would lose the people who mattered most. Finally leaving my first husband after years of trying showed me that I don't have to cling to what makes me small, just because I once believed that's all I deserved. I am worthy of peace, of kindness, and of more. And marrying my second husband, Tom, taught me that real love requires trust. The more I let go, the stronger and more joyful our marriage and my life became.



RACHEL:  What challenges do you think people face when dealing with this topic and how can they overcome them?

DARLENE: 

The Power of Speaking the Truth
There is no easy way to expose a terrible truth. To say I was s*xually abused by my brothers still makes my body tremble. Even the word incest still triggers me. But I learned something miraculous happens when you name your pain: it begins to lose its power. Every time I told someone, they believed me. That truth shattered fifty years of silence. It also connected me to an extraordinary community of survivors - through organizations like 5WAVES, A Brave Step, Thriving Survivors, SSTA Aware, Blue Borage, and AILA. These communities reminded me that I was truly never alone. They offered what trauma steals first - belonging.


RACHEL: Are there any common myths or misunderstandings about this topic that you'd like to address?

DARLENE: 

The Myth of Closure
People often ask if I feel healed. My answer is always the same: healing is not a destination; it's a direction. There's no finish line where all the pain disappears. There's only the daily practice of choosing peace over bitterness, empathy over anger, forgiveness over control. Some days, I still stumble. I still get triggered. I still have weekly nightmares. But I no longer let those moments define me. They're reminders of how far I've come - and how committed I am to living forward. Silence and healing are intertwined = one imprisons you, the other sets you free.

Why Silence Hurts Us All
Silence doesn't protect families - it fractures them. It doesn't spare reputations - it destroys souls. For generations, families like mine believed that keeping secrets maintained dignity. What it actually maintained was pain. Every time a survivor breaks their silence, they don't just reclaim their own story - they create a ripple that invites others to do the same. That's how cultures change.

That Sibling Sexual Trauma and Abuse (SSTA) or Incest is Not Very Common and Only Happens in Poor Families
This notion couldn't be further from the truth. Childhood sexual abuse does not discriminate - it crosses every line of race, gender, income, education, and status, existing in every kind of family, including the ones that look the most "perfect" from the outside.

In fact, research indicates that 1 in 25 children are currently getting sexually abused by an older sibling. That's as common as a child in a classroom with a food allergy. Research also shows that SSTA is believed to be the most common form of intrafamilial child abuse in the world, yet it's the least talked about because survivors are so afraid. "If I tell, I will destroy my family. If I don't tell, I will destroy myself". And that's exactly what was happening to me until I went fully public. It's an incredibly difficult dynamic in addition to surviving the abuse.



RACHEL: What resources, tools, or next steps would you recommend for readers who want to dive deeper into this topic?

DARLENE: Remember, you are Not Alone. In my journey, I've encountered many SSTA and sexual abuse assistance organizations, many of which I currently volunteer for.

They are listed in the Resources section of my website: https://darlene-lekowski.com/resources/

Perhaps some of these Resources can help you in your journey as well. 

Final Thought: Letting go doesn't mean forgetting. It means releasing the power that pain and that person once held over you. Each time I tell my story, I let go a little more. Each time another survivor tells theirs, the world becomes a little safer - and the silence shatters a little more. That's what it means to let go to live forward!!


---

What stands out most for me in her story is the courage it takes to tell the truth not just once, but over and over again, especially when silence has been the survival strategy for so long. There is something profoundly powerful in the way she names both the devastation of what happened and the complexity of what healing actually requires afterward.

I am especially moved by her honesty that winning in court did not automatically create peace. That truth matters, because so many people assume healing should be linear or immediate once validation arrives. Her story gently disrupts that myth and reminds us that the deeper work is what comes after truth is spoken - learning to release control, soften survival strategies, and choose “living forward” one moment at a time.

I also deeply respect Darlene's clarity that silence does not protect families - it fractures them. Her voice is part of that larger breaking open that helps others feel less alone and more able to speak.

To healing,

Rachel

P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.

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RESOURCE OF THE MONTH

If Darlene's story resonated with you, I also encourage you to watch Jane Epstein's TEDx Talk, Giving Voice to Sibling Sexual Abuse. Jane shares her personal story and shines a light on one of the most common yet least discussed forms of childhood sexual abuse. It's powerful, informative, and a reminder that survivors are not alone.

---

UPCOMING EVENTS


brought to you in partnership with CPTSD Foundation

As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we bring certain issues to our intimate relationships. Some of the issues that complicate intimate relationships for us are power, control, trust, and self-esteem. This month, we will explore patterns in our intimate relationships that have a lot to do with our childhood abuse.

REGISTER HERE

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You're done waiting!

You're done with the cycles that have stolen your life. The fear. The patterns. The disconnection. It ends now.

On July 14, 15 & 16, 2026, everything shifts.

Exit the Cycle is a free online retreat designed for people ready to actually change. 36 incredible speakers. Three full days. Real healing that lands in your body and your spirit.

No theories. No guessing. Just breakthroughs that stick.

This isn't an event you attend and forget. This is the moment your life changes direction. This is where your new legacy begins.

You're stepping into freedom. Divine purpose. True connection.

Finally breathing in your own life again.

We're ready for you. Are you ready for this?

REGISTER HERE

---

This masterclass is for you if you’re ready to begin shifting out of self-blame, shame-based thinking, and chronic self-abandonment that keeps you stuck in cycles that feel exhausting and hard to break.

It’s especially for you if you often:

• Take responsibility for other people’s emotions, reactions, or choices
• Struggle to prioritize your own needs without guilt or discomfort
• Feel like something is “wrong with you” even when you logically know better
• Find yourself stuck in patterns of people-pleasing, over-giving, or emotional overwhelm
• Want to move forward in your life, but feel internally held back by self-judgment or doubt

And importantly, you don’t need to have it all figured out to join. You just need to be curious about what’s possible beyond shame.

REGISTER HERE

8 Things Survivors Need to Stop Apologizing For | Part 8 | Healing Slowly

      

Healing is layered. Slow healing is still healing.

What are you learning to be more patient with? #beyondsurviving #healingsexualtrauma #stopapologizing #yourownpace

8 Things Survivors Need to Stop Apologizing For | Part 7 | Prioritizing Your Peace

      

Protecting your peace is not selfish. It's wisdom your nervous system earned the hard way.

What helps you protect your peace?

#beyondsurviving #healingsexualtrauma #stopapologizing #rest

8 Things Survivors Need to Stop Apologizing For | Part 6 | Taking Up Space

     

So many survivors learned how to become small. Healing often includes returning to visibility.

Where are you practicing taking up more space? #beyondsurviving #healingsexualtrauma #stopapologizing #presence #takeupspace 

8 Things Survivors Need to Stop Apologizing For | Part 5 | Needing Reassurance

     

Wanting reassurance doesn't make you needy. Sometimes it means your nervous system is still learning safety.

What helps you feel emotionally safe? #beyondsurviving #healingsexualtrauma #stopapologizing #reassurance

8 Things Survivors Need to Stop Apologizing For | Part 4 | Changing

    

Anger is not proof you're broken. Sometimes it's your nervous system finally saying, "That wasn't okay." What has your anger taught you?

#beyondsurviving #healingsexualtrauma #stopapologizing #anger

8 Things Survivors Need to Stop Apologizing For | Part 3 | Feeling Angry

   

Anger is not proof you're broken. Sometimes it's your nervous system finally saying, "That wasn't okay." What has your anger taught you?

#beyondsurviving #healingsexualtrauma #stopapologizing #anger

8 Things Survivors Need to Stop Apologizing For | Part 2 | Having Boundaries

  

Boundaries are not punishment. They allow safe connection while helping you stay connected to yourself. What boundary are you practicing right now?

#beyondsurviving #healingsexualtrauma #stopapologizing #boundaries

Breaking the Silence Around Abuse Within the Church

I recently had the pleasure of connecting with Josephine McKinney, a truly inspiring woman whose life and work are deeply rooted in faith, creativity, healing, and service. Raised in California’s East Bay and now living in the Central Valley, she has spent years encouraging and supporting others through ministry, community outreach, writing, music, teaching Bible study, and even cooking - bringing people together in meaningful and heartfelt ways.

As we began talking, I was immediately struck by her warmth, resilience, and the beautiful way creativity has been woven throughout her healing journey. What began as writing poetry in her late teens during a difficult season became both an outlet and a lifeline - and continues to shape the way she connects with and uplifts others today. I’m so grateful to introduce you to her and share a little of her story with you.

---

RACHEL: What inspired you to start writing about/exploring this topic?

JOSEPHINE: When I found myself trying to survive one of the most traumatic moments of my life, I realized just how much I had kept buried for years. I carried a heavy mixture of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and silence, and for a long time, I struggled to process what had happened to me. As someone who has always loved reading and learning, I naturally began searching for books, workbooks, and faith-based resources that could help me heal while still holding onto my relationship with God.

What shocked me was how difficult those resources were to find within the faith community. I found many conversations centered around "purity" but very little that spoke directly to the pain, confusion, and healing journey of surviving s*xual assault and harassment in the church. I knew I could not have been the only person feeling unseen in that space.

That realization is what gave birth to When My Brother Touched Me: A Look at S*xual Assault and Harassment in the Church. Writing became both an act of necessity and a part of my own healing journey. My prayer is that through sharing my story, others will feel less alone, find the courage to heal, and experience freedom through truth.


RACHEL: What key insights or lessons have you learned through your experiences with this subject?

JOSEPHINE: One of the most important lessons I've learned through this journey is that forgiveness is far deeper than simply saying, "I forgive you." Real forgiveness began when I stopped seeing myself only through the lens of shame and started extending grace to the broken version of myself that was trying to survive. For a long time, I carried guilt for what happened to me. I replayed every decision, every red flag, every moment I stayed silent, and I condemned myself long before anyone else had the chance to.

What I eventually learned is that accountability and self-hatred are not the same thing. I could acknowledge where I ignored warning signs or stayed trapped in unhealthy cycles without taking responsibility for the abuse itself. That distinction changed my life. Once I began forgiving myself, I no longer needed to stay chained to bitterness toward the men who hurt me. Forgiveness became less about excusing them and more about freeing myself. I realized I could remember what happened without allowing it to own me. That freedom became a major part of my healing journey and my relationship with God.


RACHEL:  What challenges do you think people face when dealing with this topic and how can they overcome them?

JOSEPHINE: One of the biggest challenges people face when dealing with s*xual assault and harassment, especially within the Church, is the discomfort that comes with confronting hard truths. In many faith communities, there's often a strong desire to protect the image of the church, preserve leadership, and avoid conversations that feel divisive or "too heavy"! But as I discuss in When My Brother Touched Me: A Look at S*xual Assault and Harassment in the Church, silence does not protect people, it protects patterns.

Many survivors struggle to speak because they fear shame, disbelief, gossip, or being blamed for what happened to them. And many churches struggle because they've never been taught how to respond to these situations in a trauma-informed and compassionate way. Unfortunately, discomfort often causes people to minimize pain instead of making space for healing.

I believe overcoming this begins with courage and education. We have to create environments where truth and grace can coexist, where survivors are listened to without judgment, and where accountability is seen as an act of love rather than an attack. Healing starts when we stop avoiding the conversation and begin responding with honesty, wisdom, and compassion.

RACHEL: Are there any common myths or misunderstandings about this topic that you'd like to address?

JOSEPHINE: As I discuss in Chapter 4 of my book, one of the most dangerous misconceptions surrounding abuse is the belief that only children or young girls are vulnerable to grooming and exploitation. The reality is that abuse can happen to anyone across the lifespan, from infancy to the elderly. Vulnerability is a human condition, not an age category.

Perpetrators often look less at someone's age or gender and more at emotional need, access, isolation, trust, insecurity, or the desire for affirmation and belonging. Men and boys can be groomed and abused just as women and girls can, yet many suffer silently because society and even faith communities often overlook their experiences. Likewise, adults are frequently dismissed because people assume maturity automatically protects someone from manipulation.

Grooming is often subtle and relational. It can happen through mentorship, spiritual authority, emotional dependency, secrecy, or gradually crossed boundaries. That is why these conversations are so important. We cannot truly protect people if our understanding of abuse remains narrow or incomplete.



RACHEL: What resources, tools, or next steps would you recommend for readers who want to dive deeper into this topic?

JOSEPHINE: One resource I highly recommend is RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network). Their 24-hour National S*xual Assault Hotline, 1-800-656-4673, as well as their online chat support, became a tremendous source of support and education for me during my own healing journey long before I ever found the strength to write When My Brother Touched Me: A Look at S*xual Assault and Harassment in the Church. RAINN offers compassionate support, educational resources, safety information, and guidance for survivors and loved ones navigating the effects of s*xual violence.

For those wanting to continue deeper conversations around healing and faith, my book is currently available alongside two upcoming companion workbooks. The first, The Work of Healing, is a survivor-focused workbook designed to help individuals process trauma, reflect honestly, and move toward healing through guided exercises, journaling, and faith-centered encouragement. The second, A Blueprint for Cultivating Safer Sanctuaries, is a leadership workbook created to help churches and ministry leaders build safer, more informed, and trauma-conscious faith communities.

My Book, Resources as well as My workbooks can be found at www.BalancewithJosephine.com by navigating to the Purified for Purpose Publishing Co. page.



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What I appreciate so much about Josephine's story is the courage it takes to speak honestly about something so many people have been taught to keep silent. There is such power in the way she names both the pain and the healing - especially the distinction between accountability and self-hatred. I know so many survivors carry shame for things that were never theirs to carry, and her words offer such an important reminder: healing begins when we stop abandoning ourselves in the aftermath of what happened.

I also deeply resonate with her call for truth and compassion to coexist. Silence does not create safety. Honest, trauma-informed conversations do. My hope is that her story helps others feel less alone and reminds anyone struggling that healing, freedom, and self-compassion are possible.


To raising our voices,

Rachel

P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.

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RESOURCE OF THE MONTH

1in6, a program of Zero Abuse Project, helps men who have had unwanted or abusive s*xual experiences live healthier, happier lives by providing information and support resources online including clinically-facilitated, anonymous, chat-based online support groups for male survivors each and every week.

In addition, The Bristlecone Project - inspired by Bristlecone pines that exist in the harshest possible conditions yet survive and thrive for thousands of years - is 1in6's vast video library bringing the stories of countless men across the world to the online community of survivors.

The contributors are a courageous group of men who are unwilling to be silenced by stigma and shame, and shine a bright light on some of the darkest corners of our world through the resilience and hope of their lived experience.

I am so glad to highlight their work and will be bringing you more this coming Fall!

LEARN MORE HERE!

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UPCOMING EVENTS


brought to you in partnership with CPTSD Foundation

We’ll explore the many reasons it’s so difficult to break the silence including the many negative messages we receive about ourselves and how to find our voice.

REGISTER HERE

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I’m honored to be speaking on June 13 at 10:30a PT, alongside other incredible voices supporting parents and families.

This is a free virtual event and you can join live here:

June 13
Facebook: Watch on Facebook
YouTube: Watch on YouTube

June 14
Facebook: Watch on Facebook
YouTube: Watch on YouTube

8 Things Survivors Need to Stop Apologizing For | Part 1 | Needing Rest

 

So many survivors learned rest was laziness or weakness. But when your nervous system has spent years surviving, rest is repair. What's your relationship with rest right now?

#beyondsurviving #healingsexualtrauma #stopapologizing #rest

The Part of Healing We Don’t Talk About Enough

There’s a moment many people on a healing path quietly come to - often after years of trying, pushing, and doing all the “right” things.

It’s the moment they realize:

“I thought I had moved on…so why does my body still feel this way?”

Why does anxiety still show up when life looks okay on the outside?

Why does connection still feel uncertain, even in safer relationships?

Why does the past still feel present?

For a long time, I thought healing meant getting to a place where the past no longer affected me. Where I could close the door on what happened and finally be “done.”

But what I’ve learned - both personally and through my work - is that trauma doesn’t resolve just because we understand it or because life improves on the surface.

Especially when trauma has been ongoing or relational, the nervous system adapts in deep ways. Even when the danger is gone, the patterns of protection can remain.

I know this place well.

There have been seasons where everything in my life looked “fine” on paper, but internally I was still carrying tension, hypervigilance, and a sense of bracing for something to go wrong. Not because I was broken, but because my system had learned that was the safest way to exist.

What I’ve come to understand is this:

Healing is about learning how to move with what has happened.

To stop fighting the parts of us that still carry impact.

To stop judging the responses that once protected us.

And to begin building enough internal safety that those patterns don’t have to run everything anymore.

Healing is not erasing your past.

It’s learning how to be in relationship with it differently.

And from that place, something new becomes possible!

A Small Action You Can Take Today:
Take one quiet moment today and notice your body, not your thoughts.

Ask yourself gently:

Where am I bracing right now?

What might this part of me be trying to protect me from?

You don’t have to fix anything.

Just notice.

Then place a hand somewhere on your body - chest, belly, arm - and offer a simple reminder:

“I’m here with you.”

That alone is a form of healing. Not dramatic. Not forced. Just present.

To the journey,

Rachel

P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.

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RESOURCE OF THE MONTH

What My Bones Know is a powerful memoir by journalist Stephanie Foo that explores complex PTSD and the long-lasting impact of childhood trauma. By her thirties, Stephanie appeared successful on the outside, but privately she was struggling with panic attacks and emotional overwhelm. After being diagnosed with C-PTSD, she began a deeply personal journey to understand how years of abuse and abandonment continued to shape her life.

Through interviews with experts, personal reflection, and a range of healing approaches, Stephanie investigates both the science of trauma and her own lived experience. In doing so, she comes to a profound realization: healing is not about moving on from trauma, but learning how to move with it.

GET YOUR COPY HERE!

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UPCOMING EVENTS


brought to you in partnership with CPTSD Foundation

As survivors of childhood abuse, we can have an enormous amount of anger inside us. This month, we’ll explore anger and how it is a healthy and natural response to abuse and exploitation.

REGISTER HERE