A Return to Your Genuine Self: March 2022

March 28, 2022

Year of Self-Care: Risk

While taking risks may at first glance seem like an odd way to take care of one's self, in truth, when healing from trauma it is a very important part of the process.

Without taking risks, we remain stuck and limited by trauma beliefs and responses and can never fully experience the life we so deserve or thrive.

What's one small risk you will take this week?

WATCH HERE: https://youtu.be/BSCPsSAx4U4

Continue the conversation! Join us in the Healing from Sexual Abuse group on Facebook, a safe space for survivors to come together to receive support and guidance. bit.ly/healingfromsexualabuse

#coachrachelsays #mondaymini #yearofselfcare #beyondsurviving #risk #safety #expandyourmind #nervoussytem #PTSD #neuroscience #sexualabuse #healingisajourney #healingtrauma

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

Please Send My Copy Now

March 25, 2022

Do you know where your chill out button is?

Ever had someone say to you, “Just take a deep breath” and everything inside of you just wants to backhand them?!

I certainly have had that experience.

And yet – this is pretty solid advice because focused diaphragmatic breathing is one of the most immediate (and most accessible) ways to activate the vagus nerve, which serves as an amazing “chill out” button for our system when pressed.

Tune in to learn how to press this button when your activated to send a potent signal to your brain to relax!

WATCH HERE: https://youtu.be/UfM67yz7d7s

Continue the conversation! Join us in the Healing from Sexual Abuse group on Facebook, a safe space for survivors to come together to receive support and guidance. bit.ly/healingfromsexualabuse

#coachrachelsays #beyondsurviving #breathing #neuroscienceoftrauma #somatics #healing #takeadeepbreath #reducestress #goodbyeanxiety #chillout #vagusnerve #parasympathethicnervoussystem #regulation #grounding #toolsthatwork #balance #focus #relaxation

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

Please Send My Copy Now

March 21, 2022

Year of Self-Care: Nature

Whether getting lost in the woods, kayaking on some water, stepping outside and feeling the breeze on your skin, standing barefoot in dirt....spending time in nature feeds the soul and soothes the nervous system. This week, spend some time soaking in the replenishing properties of nature. Hug a tree for me!

WATCH HERE: https://youtu.be/gl-BxnIOsFc

Continue the conversation! Join us in the Healing from Sexual Abuse group on Facebook, a safe space for survivors to come together to receive support and guidance. bit.ly/healingfromsexualabuse

#coachrachelsays #mondaymini #yearofselfcare #beyondsurviving #selfcare #nature #hugatree #restoration #soulfood #senses #healing #takecareofyou

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

Please Send My Copy Now

March 15, 2022

Kelly: My Day in Court…as an 8 Year Old

In this episode, Kelly Wallace joins us to share about the unique experience she had of testifying against her paternal grandpa, her abuser, in court when she was eight years old.

In 1985, when she testified she had to be in the same room with him. Closed-captioning was not an option for her. She shares what the process was like as a child and as an adult and about the ramifications that it had on her after he was found not guilty -- despite her strong testimony, a thorough police investigation, and case managers and therapists who said her story was cohesive and strong.

We also discuss what parents can do to respond to a disclosure and to support a child in navigating the court system.

WATCH HERE: https://youtu.be/e5w9Vck362w

#beyondsurviving #metoo #breakthesilence #yourstorymatters #justice #speakyourtruth #childhoodsexualabuse #sexualabuse #tellingishealing #triumph #nomoreshame #criminaljustice

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March 14, 2022

Year of Self-Care: Magnificence

This profound statement, "The world needs you" may be extremely hard to embrace. Trauma makes us believe that the world and the people in it would be better off without us. This is a lie!

By embracing yourself and all that you have to offer, you will invest in the things that help you thrive and that is a radical act of self-care.

Added bonus, your capacity to offer grace to others will also grow and I personally think that contributes to the world healing and transforming on global scales!

WATCH HERE: https://youtu.be/GPHBrw7VwOY

Continue the conversation! Join us in the Healing from Sexual Abuse group on Facebook, a safe space for survivors to come together to receive support and guidance. bit.ly/healingfromsexualabuse

#coachrachelsays #mondaymini #yearofselfcare #beyondsurviving #magnificence #selfcompassion #grace #highestself #hugyourself

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

Please Send My Copy Now

March 11, 2022

Love is an antidote to triggers!

Did you know that love can be a powerful antidote to activation?!

One of the amazing things about accessing the feeling of love is that it causes the brain to release oxytocin, which is a powerful hormone that is even sometimes referred to as the "love drug".

This hormone is also a neurotransmitter, and so when released sends all sorts of "feel good" signals to the brain and nervous system to signal safety - which is a key component of nervous system regulation.

Listen in as I take you through a quick exercise that will help you access this resource state and will be a support to you the next time you feel triggered or dysregulated.

WATCH HERE: https://youtu.be/Echs0ZKsuF4

Continue the conversation! Join us in the Healing from Sexual Abuse group on Facebook, a safe space for survivors to come together to receive support and guidance. bit.ly/healingfromsexualabuse

#coachrachelsays #beyondsurviving #love #oxytocin #nervoussystem #healing #triggered #neuroscienceoftrauma #childhoodtrauma #sexualabuse #metoo #overcoming #thriving #pendulation #feelgood

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

Please Send My Copy Now

March 7, 2022

Year of Self-Care: Awareness

This is right on time for me, because this past weekend, my getting caught up in the future and not being present and aware led to a major consequence. Tune in to learn how being in the ever-present now helps us take good care of ourselves!

WATCH HERE: https://youtu.be/x4it9VHiytQ

Continue the conversation! Join us in the Healing from Sexual Abuse group on Facebook, a safe space for survivors to come together to receive support and guidance. bit.ly/healingfromsexualabuse

#coachrachelsays #mondaymini #yearofselfcare #awareness #anxiety #being #presence #alltrippedup #majormistake #compassion #meaning #selfcare

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

Please Send My Copy Now

March 1, 2022

About the panic attack I had last night...

I break down the step by step process I used last night when I had a panic attack out of nowhere!

WATCH HERE: https://youtu.be/98md9-Elu_Q

Continue the conversation! Join us in the Healing from Sexual Abuse group on Facebook, a safe space for survivors to come together to receive support and guidance. bit.ly/healingfromsexualabuse

#beyondsurviving #thisisbeyondsurviving #panickattacks #neuroscienceoftrauma #healing #selfsoothe #selfcompassion #nurture

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

Please Send My Copy Now

Do you think _____ counts as sexual abuse?

Given my work, this is an all too common question I get from all kinds of people -- clients, friends, family, journalists.

I always appreciate when people ask this question, because it means they are trying to wrap their head around an experience, categorize it in some way that gives them an anchor or foundation to start a healing journey.

I also know that sometimes this question is driven by fear or a need to dismiss or minimize something that has happened.

Just the other day, I was asked, "What if it was platonic? Like a father complaining about his wife to his daughter?"

I think context always matters, exactly what the complaint was, how it was phrased, how often it occurs, the intention behind it, and of course the subjective experience of the child.

It made me think of a time when my mom and dad just didn't seem to be getting along. I was around 16 years old. They weren't fighting or yelling - but there was a quiet in the house that was very unusual. One day, sitting with my dad, I asked, "Dad, what's going on with you and mom? Is something wrong?"

My dad let out a big sigh, and I could see he was trying to figure out how much to say, so I just sat quietly and waited. Eventually he said, "I wanted to have sex the other night and your mom didn't want to. That's okay of course, but I am feeling sad and upset about it. But don't worry - we'll figure it out."

I felt relieved to understand what was going on between my parents, and I really appreciated how my father modeled in that moment sharing with me, being vulnerable, normalizing that women don't always have to say yes to sex, normalizing even talking about sex, while also sharing his feelings. And he was very clear that it wasn't my job to fix anything or soothe him or comfort him.

But....sometimes boundaries are crossed in ways that aren't healthy, and this can lead to covert emotional incest, which Adena Banks Lees defines as "an elusive, emotional form of sexual abuse that occurs in a family system with the absence of direct genital contact. Being placed in the surrogate or substitute spouse role for a parent is one of the primary tenets of CEI."

So if we go back to my experience, let's say my dad instead had gone into a lot of explicit detail, recounted the entire exchange, solicited my help (e.g. go talk to you mom)....now we are in very different territory!!

I think what's really true at the end of the day is that there is a distinction between what "counts" as abuse according to our legal systems and what "counts" based on how a person was impacted by the experience.

So while trying to classify an experience as abuse/not abuse can be helpful, I think the better question is, "Did this experience leave a wound or lasting mark on my sense of self, my body, my sense of others, my sense of the world?"

When the answer is "yes", then the invitation is to work to resolve the trauma of that experience regardless of whether it fits prettily into some category of abuse or not.

That being said, sometimes having a label and knowing that others faced the same thing can be very healing, and that's why I wanted to call attention to CEI as it is still not often talked about but something so many of my clients have experienced, and we have to focus on healing this type of trauma as well.

If you need support healing from abuse - regardless of the label - I'm here. Please don't hesitate to reach out!

Your experience counts,

Watch Adena Bank Lees speak about setting boundaries as a part of healing from CEI.

What experience do you need to let go of trying to label and instead just give yourself permission to heal from?

BOOK OF THE MONTH

Traumatic. Intangible. Unspoken. All these words have one thing in common: a s*xual abuse that is not widely known. In this provocative and intimate look at Covert Emotional Incest (CEI), Adena Bank Lees, LCSW, a leader in the field of traumatic stress and addiction, takes you on a moving and informative journey through her own experiences with this form of abuse. CEI, as she has defined it, is an elusive, emotional form of s*xual abuse that occurs in a family system with the absence of direct genital contact. Being placed in the surrogate or substitute spouse role for a parent(s) is one of the primary tenets of CEI, but there is much more. Covert Emotional Incest: The Hidden S*xual Abuse is an enlightening read for both professionals and non-professionals alike. Adena’s story and easy-to-understand therapeutic explanations will help you fully comprehend the complex nature of CEI, its damaging consequences, and the path to restoration of health and well-being. A checklist of components, specific suggestions for healing, and what to address in psychotherapy are included. In summary, Covert Emotional Incest: The Hidden S*xual Abuse, combines a compelling story with clear and helpful strategies for recovery.