June 27, 2011

Listen Now! to my interview on FightBack!

Hi all!

This past Friday, I had the amazing opportunity to speak with FightBack eRadio host, Charles Lewis about the work I do with people seeking to overcome the effects of sexual abuse.

I hope you'll take a few minutes out of your day to listen to the show and feel free to share it with others!

Very best,

P.S. Blog Contest update! If you didn't already know, I'm a contestant in School of Coaching Mastery's 2011 Blog Competition and so far I'm in the lead! The competition is heating up though, so, please VOTE for me! It will take less than 3 minutes to do so! No registration required; follow the link and click the up arrow next to my blog (Rachel Grant Coaching). Only vote once or I will be disqualified! Thanks to everyone who's voted, keeping me in 1st place!

June 16, 2011


We are all liars. In the very moment that our trust is violated and we are abused, we have to make a decision – will we tell or will we cover it up. Most of us, because we are young when the abuse occurs, don’t even make this decision in a deeply insightful way. We simply know something about what has happened is bad and wrong, and you get in trouble for doing bad and wrong things – so we don’t tell.

This means that we sit down to breakfast with this huge thing happening that we can’t speak about. When asked if anything is wrong, we say, “I need more butter on my pancakes.” Our word becomes more and more degraded over time. Soon, we tell little lies out of habit rather than necessity. This disconnection from what we say lining up with what is happening, what we are doing is what I call “a lack of integrity.”

Now, integrity is one of those words that usually makes people stiffen uneasily. It seems to be a word that connotes unachievable heights. For me, though, integrity is simply saying what you mean, and meaning what you say – then following through with action to see to it that what you’ve given your word comes to fruition. For example, don’t say, “I hate you, I’m never going to talk to you again” if you don’t mean it. If you do mean it, then do it! Don’t say, “We should get together for lunch sometime” unless you mean it. If you do mean it, then send an email or make a call to actually get a date on the calendar.

In the world of recovery, we hear a lot about building back our self-esteem, getting over the shame and guilt, forgiving, and a myriad of other areas that are affected by abuse (and, to be sure, we’re going to talk about these topics in this blog). Yet, the one area I’ve noticed doesn’t get addressed often is the impact of abuse on our ability to live authentic, integrous lives.

It the last two posts, I spoke about how language and what we say is extremely powerful. For too long, we have been disconnected from our voice as a way to restore integrity and to cut out the lying.

So, before we go any further, I want you to consider deeply what you are giving your word to these days, and what the impact is on you and others when you don’t follow through. Don’t say “maybe” if you really mean “no.” Don’t say, “I’ll call you” if you aren’t going to. Try this week to not speak idly, but to honor your word.

It may seem scary, you may hesitate to conceive that your word, your voice could be powerful – but take this step and you’re on your way to living a life of integrity!


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June 8, 2011

Don't Go It Alone!

There is a great children's book, Amazing Mr. Zooty! In the story, Mr. Zooty comes upon a family that is clearly down and out. Knowing they are good hearted people, he pretends to faint and, in reward for their quickly jumping to his rescue, he gives each of them a wish. Each wish he fulfills with some added embellishments - syrup for the little boy's pancakes; a hat to match the mother's new purse; and a house to go with the little girl's kitten. When the mother says she doesn't know how she'll ever thank him, he simply replies, "Everybody needs a little help sometimes."

Isn't that so true! Yet, what we do most of the time is keep our wishes (needs) close to our chests, refusing to share them with others. When we need support, rather than reach out to others, we hide, - after all, sometimes it's more important to look like you have it all together than to really have it all together - right?

No way! One of the things we need to get better at doing is asking for support. There's no need to go it alone. This, however, is easier said than done sometimes. But why is that?

On one level, we have a general need to look good. We want to be able, competent people who can handle whatever comes our way and so avoid anything that might call that into question. In other words, it's about saving face. Now, this is a natural tendency, but it gets us into a lot of trouble. Especially since things usually tend to get worse rather than better when we retreat and isolate ourselves and don't get support.

Take the case of one client who lost her job but refused to tell her friends. After three months of spending and going out as if she had a job, she was in debt up to her ears. She eventually had to fess up to her friends that, not only had she lost her job, but she’d hid it from them, and was now in trouble financially – she had compounded things threefold! So much for saving face, right? Now, that's not meant to be harsh, but it is a wake-up call that not asking for support or trying to hide in the name of looking good is counterproductive.

The other thing that stops us from asking for support is false beliefs about our value. Particularly if we have been abused, we question that we deserve help from others. Or we have the idea that we will be too much of an imposition - after all, our problems are so big how could anyone else handle it? Another false idea is that asking for help means you are a failure. These false ideas trap and isolate us from others and need to be challenged and overcome. Finish this statement: "I don't ask others for support because that would mean I _______." Whatever is in that blank is the false belief you need to disconfirm. You can check out this blog to learn more about how to do that.

Finally, sometimes, we just don't know how to ask for support. The thing is, we have to tune in to what we really need before we can ask for it from someone else. Saying to another person, "I need some support" is the beginning of the conversation, not the end. What do you mean by support? Do you need someone to just sit with you while you process thoughts or feelings? Do you need help figuring out a solution? Do you need a phone call once a week to check in? Do you need them to call you on a behavior that you want to stop when they see you doing it? The idea is that asking for support that actually leads to, well, support means first getting clear about what you need and communicating it clearly to the person you are asking. There may be times, granted, when you don't know exactly what you need, but you could communicate that or ask for support in getting clear!

This part - asking for what you really need minus vagueness, qualifications, or minimization - involves being vulnerable and trusting someone. Here now, is the toughest part when it comes to asking for support.

Here's the thing though, anyone you ask for help has at some point been in your shoes. Don't get fooled by the idea that what you're going through is so different that others haven't been there, too. It's a bit easier to trust and be vulnerable when you remember you aren't so unique .. everybody needs a little help sometimes.


Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

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This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

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