I recently had the opportunity to connect with Becky Perkins through my friend Mike Valente at Zero Abuse Project, and I was immediately impressed by the heart and dedication she brings to this work.
Becky is the Director of Survivor Resiliency at Zero Abuse Project, where she leads SurvivorSpace - an incredible resource created to support adult survivors of childhood s*xual abuse. With more than 23 years of experience as a survivor advocate, Becky has dedicated her career to creating spaces where survivors feel seen, heard, supported, and empowered.
What stood out to me most about Becky is the way she talks about survivors. She doesn’t define people by what happened to them. Instead, she highlights their strength, wisdom, humor, talents, relationships, and the fullness of who they are beyond their trauma.
I’m grateful to introduce you to Becky and share this important conversation about healing, community, and the power of survivor voices.
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RACHEL: What inspired you to start writing about/exploring this topic?
BECKY: My career in victim advocacy was inspired by my own s*xual assault experience when I was a pre-teen. Growing up and into adulthood, I was fascinated by the mind-body connection as it relates to trauma and health, but I didn't know what I wanted to do for a career. In my early-twenties, I trained to become a volunteer advocate at my local rape crisis center, which enabled me to provide victims who were recently assaulted with the support that didn't exist when it happened to me. I fell in love with this work, which set me on my career path.
Prior to coming to Zero Abuse Project, much of my work was focused on providing direct advocacy to survivors and their loved ones in hospital emergency departments, police departments, and courts. Later, I worked at the state level (Ohio) training advocates from across the state and advocating for survivor-focused public policies and increased funding for victim services.
When I came to Zero Abuse Project, my work shifted to collaborating with survivors as peers rather than being a "service provider." I've partnered with dozens of truly amazing survivors as lived-experience experts to develop and expand the SurivvorSpace website. In the past, I never had the chance to find out how victims' lives evolved over time. With SurvivorSpace, I've had the opportunity to interact with survivors years after their victimization, and with 1in6, I get to cultivate a space where male survivors support each other as adults regarding victimization they suffered as children. It has been incredibly inspiring and the greatest honor of my career to partner with survivors in this way.
RACHEL: What key insights or lessons have you learned through your experiences with this subject?
BECKY: There are a lot of insights I've gained over the years, but I think the biggest takeaway from my current work with SurvivorSpace and 1in6 is that adult survivors of child s*xual abuse are complex, multifaceted individuals who are so much more than the trauma they've experienced. They are not "broken" people whose lives are defined by their trauma. Yes, they've endured deeply painful experiences and many struggle with the impacts of the trauma for much of their lives, but they're also accomplished professionals, partners, parents, friends, and delightful humans with wonderful talents, humor, and wisdom. They are capable of experiencing joy and love and success. Their lived experiences as survivors might be the reason I've met or collaborated with them, but I value them just as much for who they are beyond their victimization.
I've also come to embrace survivors as true experts when it comes to the best way to prevent s*xual abuse, hold offenders accountable, and support survivors. Who better to ask and consult with than the very people who have experienced these crimes? Too often survivors are overlooked as a source of expertise if they don't have the right letters after their names, but there is no better source of knowledge than lived experience.
Additionally, as a survivor myself and a long-time advocate, I had always kept quiet about my victimization, doing my healing work in private while advocating for other survivors. But the survivors I've partnered with through SurvivorSpace and 1in6 have inspired me to be more vocal about my experience. They've taught me that every survivor's story matters, even my own.
RACHEL: What challenges do you think people face when dealing with this topic and how can they overcome them?
BECKY: We've come a long way in being able to recognize and talk about s*xual assault and abuse due in part to the #MeToo movement, accusations of s*xual assault against high-profile individuals, and decades of abuse uncovered within various institutions. Our media landscape also has a tendency to fixate on sexual violence in a variety of contexts, which can have both positive and negative effects.
Despite this general societal consciousness, so many survivors feel alone in their experiences. They fear that they won't be believed, that no one will understand what they've been through or why they struggle with it, and that they'll be blamed for their victimization. Unfortunately, the criminal justice system and the responses of people in positions of power sometimes reinforce these fears. Male survivors also navigate persistent societal norms, such as that men and boys can't be abused or that they're weak. The average age that a male survivor of child s*xual abuse first tells someone is 53, and we know that about 1 in every 6 men has experienced sexual abuse, so there are millions of men who are suffering in silence because society has made them feel that they can't or shouldn't talk about it.
There is always much work to be done to improve the systems that address these crimes, and legislation is vitally important - such as eliminating the statute of limitations for s*xual assault and abuse so that offenders can be held accountable even if victims do not report right away. Survivors who want to be part of these efforts should be able to without gatekeeping on the part of professionals or systems. But just as important is creating safe and supported opportunities for survivors to hear from, learn from, and support each other - such as through SurvivorSpace and 1in6. When survivors can share their experiences with each other, they don't feel as isolated and alone. They can see that others have suffered similar traumas, have faced similar challenges, and understand the many nuances of navigating life as an abuse survivor. Humans have always been hard-wired to survive and thrive in community with one another. Enabling survivors to be in community with each other in accessible ways is vitally important.
RACHEL: Are there any common myths or misunderstandings about this topic that you'd like to address?
BECKY: There are so many myths and misunderstandings that persist about s*xual abuse! I'll address a few of them here.
First is the issue of consent. Children are incapable of consenting to any form of s*xual contact with an adult, period. The vast majority of child s*xual abuse is committed by someone the child knows and trusts. Abuse is never the child's fault, but offenders know how to manipulate the emotions and behaviors of children in ways that cause children to believe they are willing participants in - or even the cause of - the abuse. This causes confusion, pain, and self-blame in children, and it often causes non-offending adults to minimize or dismiss abusive behavior. With boys especially, physical arousal during abuse can deepen confusion regarding consent. Misconceptions about consent are sometimes made worse by the media, such as when an article states that an adult "had sex with" a minor. And misperceptions still persist about boys who are sexually abused by women - that the boy was "lucky" instead of a victim of sexual assault.
Second is the belief that the victim, regardless of age, could have or should have fought back, resisted, or run away. S*xual assault and abuse are nearly always committed by someone the victim knows, therefore their guard is automatically down. They're not expecting to be violated by this person. Children are incapable of physically overwhelming an adult in order to escape abuse, but even adults face a physiological reality, which is that when the brain detects a potential threat, it causes the body to react in the interest of survival. We've heard of "fight, flight, freeze, and fawn." These are not reactions that we consciously choose. In a split second, our brains decide for us which response we'll have. I once provided support to a victim who had a black belt in karate and was a champion weightlifter, yet they froze when they were sexually assaulted. The obvious question they and their loved ones had was, "Why didn't you fight back?" The answer is that they couldn't. Their brain had rendered their body essentially paralyzed, making them incapable of fighting back.
Third is the belief that male survivors are weak and thus not "real men." Boys are children and are as incapable of overpowering an offender as girls are. Males of any age are subject to the involuntary "fight, flight, freeze, or fawn" response, so even grown men who are physically strong may not be capable of fighting off an attacker. And, of course, child abusers most often emotionally manipulate boys into believing they are active participants in the abuse. None of this makes boys or men weak. If anything, given the fortitude it takes to navigate the trauma and societal stigma of s*xual abuse, male survivors are arguably stronger than those who have not been forced to face such a traumatic experience.
Fourth is a myth related to a more modern concern: that online exploitation is not that serious. S*xual exploitation of children and adults is increasing at a rapid pace. Teen boys in particular are increasingly targeted by criminal s*xtortion networks, and tragically, several boys have become so overwhelmed by these criminals so quickly that they've died by suicide. Due to the rapid evolution of artificial intelligence tools, it's no longer even necessary for criminals to coerce children into sending nude photos of themselves; the criminals can simply generate an image on their own using AI. While many of these crimes involve no physical (i.e. "hands-on") abuse, the impact is nonetheless incredibly traumatic because the violation is (or is threatened to be) very public in nature.
RACHEL: What resources, tools, or next steps would you recommend for readers who want to dive deeper into this topic?
BECKY: Men and women who are survivors of child s*xual abuse can visit the SurvivorSpace website to access stories, poems, artwork, fact sheets, presentations, and links to resources, podcasts, books, and more - all of it created or recommended by survivors. The website also includes resources for loved ones of survivors.
Adult male survivors can visit the 1in6 website, where they'll find information about myths and facts, video stories from survivors via the Bristlecone Project, and access to chat-based online support groups. The online support groups for male survivors are anonymous and offered each weekday. 1in6 will also soon launch a podcast co-hosted by actor and survivor Anthony Edwards, and writer, podcaster and survivor Beau Friedlander. A companion blog for 1in6 will also soon be published, curated by award-winning author and survivor Stephen Mills.
Both SurvivorSpace and 1in6 are free resources that do not require registration, a referral, or a subscription.
In addition to supporting survivors, Zero Abuse Project also offers expert training and technical assistance for child protection professionals, first responders, and victim assistance providers from multiple disciplines across the country, including forensic interviewers, child abuse prosecutors, and Internet Crimes Against Children (ICAC) investigators. The agency also offers training, support, and prevention resources to faith communities and schools, as well as curricula for colleges and universities on equipping the next generation of child protection professionals.
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One of the things I love most about what Becky shared is this reminder: survivors are not broken people who need to be fixed. They are whole, complex human beings who have experienced something deeply painful.
For so many survivors, there is a fear that what happened to them becomes the thing that defines them. But Becky beautifully reminds us that trauma is only one part of someone's story - not the entirety of who they are.
I also deeply appreciate her emphasis on the power of survivor voices. There is something incredibly healing about being in spaces where you don’t have to explain yourself, defend your experience, or convince someone that what happened mattered. Being witnessed by people who understand can be a powerful reminder that you are not alone.
Healing was never meant to happen in isolation. We are wired for connection, and sometimes finding community with people who truly get it can be one of the most important steps toward reclaiming joy, belonging, and hope.
To healing,
RachelP.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by requesting a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.
UPCOMING EVENTS
brought to you in partnership with CPTSD Foundation
For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, PTSD is an anxiety disorder that is directly related to exposure to abuse and experiences of intense fear, helplessness, or horror. We will discuss PTSD, its symptoms, how memory is impacted, and how to overcome PTSD.
You love the children in your life.
And like most adults, you’ve probably wondered:
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- How do I protect them without becoming anxious or hypervigilant?
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Most caring adults were never taught how child sexual abuse actually happens, how to recognize risk, or how to respond with confidence.
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