If you have experienced childhood sexual abuse, you may know exactly what it feels like to live with the endless "if onlys."
If only I had told
someone. If only I had fought harder. If only I had known what was happening.
If only someone had noticed. If only I had made a different choice.
It is astonishing how
much of our lives can become organized around choices we believe we should have
made in the past.
And yet, there is a
problem with living there: the past is not where our power is.
You cannot change what
happened to you. You cannot go back and protect the child you were, and you
cannot rewrite another person's choices. But you can begin making different
choices now.
That is a significant
part of what sexual abuse recovery can become: not simply learning how to
survive what happened, but learning how to live from choice, presence, and
possibility again.
Here are seven choices
that can help you move toward healing sexual trauma and reclaiming your life.
1.
Choose to stop making the past your present
One of the effects of
child abuse can be getting caught in cycles of rumination, regret, anxiety, and
"what if" thinking. Our brains are wired to look backward when
something feels unresolved. We replay conversations, imagine alternative
outcomes, and search for the moment when everything might have been different.
But there is a trap
here. If you keep playing the same song in your mind, you leave very little
room for a new one.
This does not mean you
should simply "stop thinking about it." Trauma does not work that
way. Your experiences deserve to be acknowledged, processed, and understood. It
means recognizing the difference between processing the past and repeatedly
punishing yourself with it.
Healing asks us to
eventually shift the question from, "What should I have done?" to,
"What can I choose now?"
That is a very different
question. It moves you from a life that is continually happening to you into a
life you are actively experiencing, crafting, creating, and stewarding.
2.
Choose self-forgiveness over self-blame
Many survivors carry an
enormous amount of guilt and shame. Sometimes we feel guilty for what happened.
Sometimes we feel guilty about how we responded. Sometimes we blame ourselves
for not recognizing the abuse, stopping it, telling someone, leaving, fighting
back, or somehow preventing it.
But a child is never
responsible for an adult's decision to sexually abuse them. And having a trauma
response is not a moral failure.
Self-forgiveness does
not mean pretending that what happened was okay. It does not mean minimizing
the abuse or letting the person who hurt you off the hook. It means releasing
yourself from the impossible expectation that you should have somehow been able
to control circumstances you did not control.
There is another reason
self-forgiveness can be difficult: guilt can actually become familiar.
When we are used to
blaming ourselves, letting go of guilt can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.
Underneath that guilt may be grief, and grief is harder.
Grief asks us to
acknowledge what we lost: the childhood we deserved, the safety we should have
had, the relationships that may have been different, and the years spent
struggling with the effects of sexual abuse.
But grief can also be
the doorway to something new.
You do not have to stay
guilty in order to prove that what happened mattered.
3.
Choose to listen to your body, not just your thoughts
For many survivors, the
effects of childhood sexual abuse are not simply intellectual. Trauma can live
in the nervous system.
You may understand logically
that you are safe while your body is still responding as though danger is
around the corner. Anxiety, hypervigilance, shutdown, difficulty trusting,
sleep problems, overwhelm, or a tendency to people-please can all be part of
the experience of PTSD from childhood sexual abuse and other trauma responses.
This is why healing
sexual trauma often requires more than simply thinking differently. Your body
needs new experiences of safety, too.
Learning to notice your
breathing, muscle tension, impulses, emotions, and patterns of activation can
give you valuable information. Instead of immediately asking, "What's
wrong with me?" you can begin asking, "What is my body telling me?
What is happening in my nervous system right now? What do I need?"
That shift from judgment
to curiosity can be powerful.
Your symptoms are not
evidence that you are broken. They may be evidence that your system learned
very effectively how to protect you in an environment that was not safe.
Healing involves teaching yourself that some of those old protective strategies
may no longer be necessary in the same way.
4.
Choose boundaries over self-abandonment
For many survivors,
boundaries are not simply about learning how to say no. They are about learning
that your needs matter.
If you grew up learning to monitor other people's moods, avoid conflict, keep the peace, or make yourself small, setting a boundary can feel incredibly uncomfortable. You might worry that someone will be angry, feel selfish, or immediately question whether you are being unreasonable. You may even know exactly what you want to say but feel physically unable to say it.
That does not mean the
boundary is wrong. It may mean you are learning a skill you were never given
the opportunity to develop safely.
A boundary can be as
simple as, "I don't want to talk about that," "I need some time
before I answer," "I'm not comfortable with that," or simply,
"No."
You do not have to
provide a courtroom defense for every boundary you set.
Sometimes healing
requires a much stronger boundary, including ending contact with someone. Going
no contact is not the right choice in every situation, and it should not be
treated as a universal prescription for survivors. But you are allowed to
consider whether a relationship is supportive, harmful, or simply no longer
healthy for you.
Boundaries are not
punishment. They are one way we practice self-respect.
5.
Choose relationships that support your healing
One of the complicated
effects of sexual abuse can be difficulty recognizing what healthy relationships
actually feel like.
If chaos,
unpredictability, manipulation, or emotional inconsistency were familiar in
childhood, familiarity can sometimes get confused with safety. That can affect
friendships, family relationships, and romantic relationships.
You might find yourself
drawn to people who recreate dynamics you desperately wanted to escape. Or you
might swing in the opposite direction and become so afraid of getting hurt that
you avoid intimacy altogether.
Healing does not require
you to become perfectly skilled at relationships. It asks you to become
increasingly curious about what happens inside you when you are with another
person.
Can you be yourself? Can
you say no? Can you disagree? Can you ask for what you need? Can you make a
mistake without fearing punishment or rejection? Can you receive care without
feeling that you owe something in return?
These questions become
especially important when dating after sexual assault or childhood sexual
abuse.
Healthy connection is
not about finding someone who will never trigger you. It is about developing
relationships where there is enough safety, respect, honesty, and
accountability to work through what gets triggered.
6.
Choose support that actually fits your needs
You do not have to heal
sexual trauma alone.
Therapy can be an
important part of sexual abuse recovery, particularly when you find a therapist
or counselor who understands trauma and the specific effects of sexual abuse.
But finding support is not simply about choosing someone with the right
credentials. It is also about fit.
Consider asking
yourself:
· Does this person understand
childhood sexual abuse?
· Do I feel respected and believed?
· Can I ask questions about the
approach they use?
· Do they explain what we are doing
and why?
· Do I feel like I have a voice in
my own healing?
· Can they work with the ways
trauma affects both the brain and body?
· Do I feel safe enough to be
honest?
And remember: a
therapist/mentor can be highly qualified and still not be the right therapist/mentor
for you. It is okay to keep looking. It is also okay to ask for what you need
during your sessions.
You are not supposed to
be a passive recipient of treatment. Your healing belongs to you.
Whether you pursue
therapy, coaching, a support group, or another trauma-informed resource, look
for support that helps you develop greater understanding, agency, and
connection with yourself rather than making you increasingly dependent on
someone else to tell you what to do.
7.
Choose the life you have, not the life you didn't get
This may be the hardest
choice of all.
There can be so much
grief around the life you should have had: the childhood you should have
experienced, the person you might have become without the abuse, the
relationships that might have been different, and the opportunities you might
not have missed.
It is understandable to
grieve those things.
But there comes a point
when the life you didn't live can become the only life you prize.
And what a tragedy that
would be.
Not because your past
doesn't matter. It matters enormously. But because your past does not deserve
to consume every possibility your present and future still hold.
Edith Eva Eger writes
about the freedom that comes from recognizing that while we cannot change what
happened, we can choose how we live now.
That is where I believe
the real possibility of sexual abuse healing begins.
Not in pretending the
past didn't happen. Not in forcing yourself to forgive someone who harmed you.
Not in deciding you should be "over it" by now. And not in becoming
the person you think you would have been if the abuse had never happened.
Instead, it is in
becoming more fully the person you are capable of being now.
What matters to you?
What relationships do you want? What will and will not you tolerate? How do you
want to care for yourself? What do you want to create? What comes next?
These are not small
questions. They are the questions that help you begin building a life that
belongs to you.
Healing
is not about erasing the past
Recovering from abuse
does not mean you will never feel anger, grief, fear, sadness, or activation
again. Healing is not about becoming untouched by what happened.
It is about becoming
less controlled by it.
There is a profound
difference.
The goal is not to
construct a perfect life in which nothing ever hurts. The goal is to develop
the capacity to meet your life as it is, with greater choice, awareness,
self-trust, and compassion.
You cannot change what
happened. You cannot change what you did or what was done to you. But you can choose
how you live now.
Sometimes healing begins
with one very small choice. Instead of asking, "What should I have
done?" you ask, "What can I choose today?"
That is where your life
is.
Not back there.
Here.
And there is still so
much life available to you.
Cheering you on,
Rachel
P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by requesting a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.
RESOURCE OF THE MONTH
Why does sexual abuse make us feel like we don't have any choice?
UPCOMING EVENTS
brought to you in partnership with CPTSD Foundation
TWO WAYS TO CONNECT on 11/9 💗
Start with a casual conversation, then stay for a deeper dive.
THRIVE TRIBE TALK LIVE
4:15p PT / 7:15p ET | 30 MIN
Cass + Rachel talking real life, healing, and what it actually takes to thrive. No script. No presentation. Just real conversation.
ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE SUPPORT GROUP
5p PT / 8p ET | 1 HOUR
This month's topic: Families
A free, welcoming space for adult survivors of abuse to connect, get support, and explore a specific healing topic together.
Come for one. Come for both.
REGISTER HERE
(you will also be registered for Thrive Tribe Talk)
Are you ready to break free from family guilt and survival mode? Please join me and 20 experts for AVAIYA University’s FREE Healing & Navigating Estranged Relationships online series, November 9-11.
Healing isn't about becoming someone new. It's about returning to what has always been true beneath performance and self-protection.
I am deeply honored to announce that I will be speaking at Return to Devotion - a two-day virtual experience hosted by Dr. Lisa Renay Holt on November 14–15, 2026.
I'll be sharing a live experiential session on alongside an aligned collective of somatic, relational, and spiritual practitioners.
If you're craving nervous system regulation, deeper presence, and the capacity to stay with yourself under pressure, join us live on Zoom.
