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This article is the third in a series of four articles, in
which I discuss the relationship between the fear of authority figures, because
of narcissistic parenting (devoid of empathy, pathologically selfish and
entitled, exceedingly arrogant, grandiose, liar, empty self-obsession). The relational
form of narcissistic parenting is one of inherent bullying, chronic demands for
narcissistic demands, imposition, suffocating, demeaning and demanding - cementing
the pain with a lack of empathy. The
child of a narcissistic parent is trapped in their parent’s underground land of
Fake Make Believe, where the parent is the ever-looming omnipotent despotic
ruler. The child has no escape, but to
create defenses of their own, purely for survival. The narcissistic parent is thoroughly
convinced of their Fake Make-Believe land, constantly forcing the child to step
into the picture the parent carved out for them.
Perhaps the child becomes resilient, well-defended, and
determined never to be bullied again. Such a person may employ their belief system that “all authority figures are bullies, to be feared, hated, admired,
emulated, or avoided.” Some children
will identify with the aggressor, in this case, their narc parent, in order to
ensure they won’t be abandoned, hurt, betrayed or abused, as they have
oft-times witnessed the narc to do to everyone else. Fear and a False Self can become the child’s
only companion, as they battle an impossible, frightening Medusa.
We left off last week, on a journey forth to new territory
within ourselves, examining areas of intense reactivity, where we are
courageously stepping closer to our inner volcano. For some people, this is a
truly frightening concept: anything that is live will surely perish in in a
volcanic environment!
Who can even survive its hot lava force of destruction? This is where the Magical Mirror invites us to take a closer look at our gifts.
Inherent gifts and talents are the good forces within us that give us the inviting strength to acknowledge buried alive wounds. Some gifts, and personal choices, include integrity, being kind, empathic, loving, and nurturing. Having good intentions, motivations, having courage, wholehearted bravery, and the strength to be vulnerable and kind at the same time. The courage, bravery and wholehearted willingness to face emotional wounds, that are alive and kicking inside your personal volcano, is rewarded with knowing how to put out the fire.
Who can even survive its hot lava force of destruction? This is where the Magical Mirror invites us to take a closer look at our gifts.
Inherent gifts and talents are the good forces within us that give us the inviting strength to acknowledge buried alive wounds. Some gifts, and personal choices, include integrity, being kind, empathic, loving, and nurturing. Having good intentions, motivations, having courage, wholehearted bravery, and the strength to be vulnerable and kind at the same time. The courage, bravery and wholehearted willingness to face emotional wounds, that are alive and kicking inside your personal volcano, is rewarded with knowing how to put out the fire.
Let’s look at a few specific emotional living wounds, such as
anger or rage that does not seem to dissipate.
Anger is often seen as a frightening emotion, and is in fact, scary depending on the circumstance. There is so much focus these days on forgiveness, letting go of anger, and conjuring up other emotions, to replace anger or rage. To the extent that some survivors may even feel guilt or shame for having anger.
Some people have a personality and character structure fueled by rage and anger. This can be quite toxic for the person’s health, relationships, and their family and friends. However, there is a second category of people who experience anger, that does not seem to fit any character-disorder category: survivors of narcissistic parenting.
Anger is often seen as a frightening emotion, and is in fact, scary depending on the circumstance. There is so much focus these days on forgiveness, letting go of anger, and conjuring up other emotions, to replace anger or rage. To the extent that some survivors may even feel guilt or shame for having anger.
Some people have a personality and character structure fueled by rage and anger. This can be quite toxic for the person’s health, relationships, and their family and friends. However, there is a second category of people who experience anger, that does not seem to fit any character-disorder category: survivors of narcissistic parenting.
Consider the implications of being the child of a narc
parent: at the deepest level for the narc, all relationships are about filling
the narc’s need for “supply”.
Narcs notoriously have a bottomless vortex for validation, admiration, acknowledgement, attention, being “right” (cannot handle or accept criticism), controlling, and staying “alive” in their psyche.
For them, staying “alive” requires supply. Until their “supply” is cut off, their true existential reality (kept in secret), may not be revealed. This means that their child(ren) may have to survive by being supply and supply only (admire, comply, admire, worship, repeat) for their parent.
Narcs notoriously have a bottomless vortex for validation, admiration, acknowledgement, attention, being “right” (cannot handle or accept criticism), controlling, and staying “alive” in their psyche.
For them, staying “alive” requires supply. Until their “supply” is cut off, their true existential reality (kept in secret), may not be revealed. This means that their child(ren) may have to survive by being supply and supply only (admire, comply, admire, worship, repeat) for their parent.
Where and how does the child’s True Self develop? There is no room for the value of the True
Self, and if may be forced into hiding. Hence, the birthplace of rage. Longing for its own birth, freedom of expression, and living a truly
peaceful existence, rage then becomes the norm. This does not mean that one has
to be trapped in a volcanic rage, hidden or exposed. The beginning of your liberation is by taking
a deep breath, and a step back from the volcano. You just acknowledged and faced a core and
powerful emotional reality. Now take the
mirror, put it in your pocket, and follow the breadcrumbs to a beautiful garden
not far from this volcano.
Read Part 4, as we visit your own personal
Garden of Eden, and the wisdom it will reveal for your unique journey.
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For a full list of her publications, credentials, and ways to get in contact with Rivka Edery, please visit her website at http://www.rivkaedery.com
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