This week, Rick concludes his series by sharing the two things he did that made healing so so much easier. It's probably not what you think it is!
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The following is adapted from Resilient People, Rick's inspiring story of his journey through the recovery process.
For many survivors of abuse, healing is difficult because it means confronting your trauma. I know I didn’t want to look inside at the abuse I suffered as a child, so I can understand the fear people have that they might discover something horrible.
Quite frankly, you probably will discover something horrible. Abuse is horrible!
The healing trajectory is challenging, because it involves bringing up repressed memories that were repressed for a reason: it’s how we survived as children.
Some people start this road to healing but then run away. They choose the bottle, or drugs, or illicit relationships. In my own healing process, there were many times I wanted to bail out. My attitude was, “Screw this. I’m going to keep drinking and numbing. I’ve made it this far." But you know what? It wasn't a great life.
That’s why a commitment to healing is important. If you want to be successful in your healing, you must make a personal commitment to see the journey through.
Yes, healing can be difficult. But I want to make you a promise: if you were abused—no matter what happened, no matter how horrific—I want you to know you can heal. You can live a fabulous, productive, joyful life and fulfill your dreams. In this article, I’ll show you two keys that will set you up to succeed as you start down this road to healing.
#1: Community Is Key
If and when you hit a wall in your healing, you may conclude that you just can't go any further. That's where empathy, support, and love from others is crucial.
Encouraging voices around you—especially from those that have been through a similar process—will tell you that you are doing it. When you’ve hit a painful point, they’ll remind you that you can move through the pain. Beyond that, there will be joy.
If you can find loving and empathetic people to coach you through the process, you will come to understand that the experience of abuse was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It's the caregiver’s responsibility to protect the child, no matter what.
The group I chose to share my story with at ManKind Project made me realize I wasn't alone. For so long, I had tried to look and act normal, believing all the time that I was the opposite of normal. I’d never talked about my experience with abuse.
In ManKind I listened to other men’s stories of abuse and saw them listen to my story with understanding. Suddenly, I wasn’t isolated anymore. I could be myself.
I can’t say how powerful that was, to realize I wasn’t alone.
The community I found at ManKind meetings held me accountable to the goals and commitments I’d made. When I broke a commitment, they would ask me, “So what was more important than the agreement?” We’d explore that. What was the impact of that decision, on me, on my loved ones? That was a challenging but loving process.
Sometimes, I would have to say, “Guys, I can’t do any more tonight. I’m exhausted.” There was no criticism in those moments—but I still had to return to the work the following week. These friends were determined to see me through the low points until I was living a full and productive life. They cared that much about me and my healing.
There’s wonder and beauty in a community of people committed to healing. It’s magic. However, don’t be discouraged if you don’t find this empathetic community right away. It took me years before I found my friends at ManKind Project. It also may take you some time to find a safe, empathetic community—but keep looking until you find it.
It’s critical to find the right place to share your story.
#2: Surrender to the Unknown
When you begin this process, there’s an unknown; you’re not exactly sure what happened or what you’ll find. Moving forward into that unknown can be frightening.
Abuse survivors spend most of their lives trying to control. We controlled our emotions, our thoughts, and everything else. Maintaining control is how we stayed alive.
Unfortunately, those habits of control also left a lot of us messed up. We repressed, buried, self-sabotaged, and brought dysfunction into our relationships.
Healing requires letting go of some of those bad habits, so that we can replace them with healthy choices and positive truths. There’s a surrender involved.
For me, that meant surrendering to a higher power. For others, that simply means you surrender to the process. If you choose to work with a therapist or a group like ManKind Project, you will have to choose to follow their recommended process towards healing.
In ManKind, that meant agreeing to confidentiality, going on the Warrior Weekend, allowing the other men to check-in with me and hold me accountable, and showing up to meetings. Twelve-step programs also have their own process.
Once you find a safe, empathetic environment where you can pursue healing, let your walls come down. Allow yourself to move towards the unknown.
Surrender control, so that you can heal and ultimately live a joyful life.
For more advice on healing from abuse, you can find Resilient People on Amazon.
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Rick Huttner is a survivor of physical and sexual abuse who now works passionately to spread the message that all abuse survivors can heal. His own healing process began after decades of alcohol abuse, dysfunctional relationships, and a volatile career—all of which were influenced by the buried pain of his childhood trauma. Finally unburdened by his past, Rick now lives a joyful, productive, loving life. He founded the Resilient People initiative to help other abuse survivors, and he regularly shares his story at speaking engagements and abuse-awareness workshops. He can be booked through his website, www.resilientpeople.us.
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