This week, Rick explores some of the phases that often characterize a journey from abuse towards healing.
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The following is adapted from Resilient People, Rick's inspiring story of his journey through the recovery process.
As an abuse survivor, I can tell you this for sure: there’s no magical plan that, if you follow all the steps, will lead to total healing. No person’s healing process is the same. It’s a complex journey that can’t be simplified like that. However, there are certain phases that often characterize a journey from abuse towards healing.
The organization Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) identifies three general phases of the healing journey: Remembering, Mourning, and Healing. I prefer to think of those phases as “Awareness, Understanding, and Recovery.” Regardless of what words you use, these phases outline a trajectory that often occurs.
One thing I will tell you: your healing trajectory can begin the moment you decide you want to be healed. With that said, let’s jump into the first phase.
Phase 1: Remembering/Awareness
If you want to heal, you first have to recognize that the abuse happened. For myself and others, that’s no easy thing. This stage is often said to be the most difficult.
Memories of abuse may be driven deep into the subconscious mind, and it’s going to take time and work to bring those wounds into conscious awareness. Until they are, a person may experience repeated failed relationships, addictions, or other destructive patterns of behavior. That’s how my life played out before I started this phase.
So what forces us awake? Often, we have to be triggered by a “rock bottom” experience before we’re ready to face the pain in our past. The ASCA calls this “a breakthrough crisis,” which is a helpful way of thinking about it: yes, it’s a crisis—but it’s going to help lead you to a breakthrough. That crisis might be going to jail, or getting divorced, or suffering a financial failure. Abuse survivors may require a significant wake-up call before they’re ready to figure out why they keep sabotaging themselves.
At that point, a person might be willing to dig up some of the buried memories.
You can’t heal if you keep running from the pain; you have to make the choice to face it. How you do so is up to you, and what comes next will be unique for everyone. But you’ve got to start with making yourself aware that it happened. Once you acknowledge your experience of abuse to yourself and someone else—then, healing can begin.
Phase 2: Mourning/Understanding
Maybe you’ve finally become aware of the abuse in your past, or maybe you’ve always known it was there. It’s possible that your memories of abuse have always been right in the forefront of your mind. The next phase abuse survivors usually experience in a healing trajectory is understanding. You acknowledge that it happened, then take steps to understand the knowledge of the abuse and the ways it impacts you now.
Imagine a female college student got drunk at a party and then was sexually assaulted. There will be layers of that experience that she’ll need to try to understand.
She may struggle with numerous questions about even her own actions: “Why did I go to the party? Why did I drink? Was that stupid? Am I to blame?”
The short answer to that last question is always no. However, it often takes a long time for an abuse survivor to understand this. A survivor may need help from a therapist or mentor to work through the complex feelings associated with abuse.
She’ll also need to sort through her emotions about the perpetrators. She might be feeling anger, fear, desire for justice, or any number of emotions.
What was her experience after the assault? Did she conceal it? How did that affect her relationships? Did she try to report it? How did people respond? Was she made to feel victimized again? All of these complications need to be addressed (with professional help, if possible) before the survivor reaches a freeing level of understanding.
This second phase of healing involves more than just understanding the knowledge about the abuse itself; it also involves understanding how the abuse continues to affect you. The ASCA calls this stage “Mourning,” because there’s tremendous sadness in recognizing all the aspects of life that were stolen from you by abuse.
Facing the trauma and pain is not easy. However, pursuing understanding is an important phase most people need to experience in the healing trajectory.
Phase 3: Healing/Recovery
The third phase in the healing trajectory is exactly that: healing! You won’t get there by making the mistake I did for so long—you can’t look outside of yourself to be healed.
You have to look inside to be healed. It’s a challenging thing to do, but on the other side of the long journey, you will be free. You can live a joyful, productive, fulfilling life. You will no longer be burdened by the negative thoughts that hold you back. You can embrace each day, and expect good to flow your way, rather than bad.
You will also be a more compassionate, loving human being. Read these statements from the ASCA about what healing can look like, in this third phase. These sentences describe profound liberty and beauty. I can relate to each of these statements—this is the kind of freedom that awaits you on the other side of facing your pain.
I am entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches.
I am strengthening the healthy parts of myself, adding to my self-esteem.
I can make necessary changes in my behavior and relationships at home and work.
I have resolved the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me.
I hold my own meaning about the abuse that releases me from the legacy of the past.
I see myself as a thriver in all aspects of life - love, work, parenting, and play.
I am resolved in the reunion of my new self and eternal soul.
What an incredibly beautiful experience to be living out that healed reality. The journey isn’t easy, and I can’t promise what it will look like for you. But having started this journey myself, I can tell with you certainty that the effort is absolutely worth it.
For more advice on healing from abuse, you can find Resilient People on Amazon.
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Rick Huttner is a survivor of physical and sexual abuse who now works passionately to spread the message that all abuse survivors can heal. His own healing process began after decades of alcohol abuse, dysfunctional relationships, and a volatile career—all of which were influenced by the buried pain of his childhood trauma. Finally unburdened by his past, Rick now lives a joyful, productive, loving life. He founded the Resilient People initiative to help other abuse survivors, and he regularly shares his story at speaking engagements and abuse-awareness workshops. He can be booked through his website, www.resilientpeople.us.
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