This Isn’t What We Expected: How Postpartum Depression Impacts A Marriage

This week, Jamie Kreiter continues her three part series by exploring the impact of postpartum depression and ways to navigate this as new parents.

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When Pam imagined motherhood, she pictured her and her husband John, lying in their bed on a Saturday morning. She imagined their little baby perfectly content lying between them. Between sips of steaming hot coffee, Pam and John would lovingly look at each other, and think how lucky they were to have this beautiful baby and perfect family.*

What Pam did not imagine is being up at 3:00 AM with a colicky, screaming baby, feeling alone, depressed, and resentful as her husband sleeps soundly in the next room. Pam is filled with feelings of guilt and worthlessness as she thinks to herself: ‘this is not the life I pictured. I must be a terrible mother. My family would be better off without me.’

No one asks to get depressed after the birth of a new baby. No one imagines that this new addition to their family will leave them feeling isolated and alone.  No one chooses to be irritable and resentful towards their partner. And no one wants to think that their family would be better off without them. But this is what happens if you’re one of the 20% of women or 10% of men who experience perinatal depression or anxiety after a baby.

The high degree of stress during the early postpartum months, leads to a reduction in marital satisfaction and increased marital conflict. According to The Gottman Institute, 67% of couples report decreased marital happiness within the first few years of their baby’s life. This picture is even more complicated when looking at couples that have suffered from Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders. Studies show that postpartum depression is linked with higher incidents of marital dysfunction and marital problems, including lack of partner closeness, support and satisfaction. This is especially true of the husbands of women with postpartum depression who report less satisfaction in their marriage and feel less capable as parents and partners as compared to husbands of postpartum women who are not depressed.

In the case of Pam and John, John recognized that his wife was acting differently. She was withdrawn and cold. She was hyper-focused on the baby and always worried. He was used to his wife being capable and confident. She had wanted to start a family so badly. But now, he hardly recognized the woman in front of him and didn’t know what to do. John was scared. Feeling helpless and alone, John did nothing. 

Postpartum depression places a strain on a marriage. Even after postpartum symptoms have improved and healthier coping methods have emerged, couples struggle to find their way back to each other. If you’re suffering from postpartum depression, the last thing you want to do is consider the effects depression has on your marriage. If your partner is depressed, you may be uncomfortable to talk about what’s going on for fear of further agitating your partner. But couples, you don’t have to let your relationship suffer due to postpartum depression. You can work through hurt feelings, distorted thoughts and misinterpretations in therapy.

Through therapy, my clients learn new things about their partner and each other. With time, patience and support, they find healing and newfound strength in their road to recovery.  In conjunction with therapy, here are some suggestions for you and your partner.

If you’re depressed, try these tips with your partner:

Improve communication

Set the tone for good communication by creating a safe space to speak openly about your thoughts and feelings. It’s important for you not to assume that your partner knows how you are feeling. Actively listen to your partner’s thoughts and feelings about what’s happening to you and your family, and respond without reacting. Acknowledge how having a baby and being depressed has impacted your relationship, your quality time and your sexual intimacy

Getting the help that you need

Be very specific about what you need, this includes practical support and emotional support. Acknowledge the things that your partner is doing and express gratitude.

Keep the healthy partner healthy

When one partner is depressed, there is a greater risk for the other partner to become depressed too. The non-suffering partner needs to take care of himself so that he can provide support and take on more responsibilities and tasks during this time of crisis.

Find a therapist who specializes in this area who can help you. Postpartum depression is treatable, and with the right kind of help you do not need suffer for long. Participate in couple’s therapy so your partner is able to participate in treatment and also receive support. Recognize that you’re not alone; many couples struggle with postpartum depression and get through it.

For the non-suffering partner

Watching your once capable partner suffer from depression is not what you expected when you decided to start your family and can be quite painful. Even though you try to be supportive, you might be feeling helpless.

Here is what you’re up against:

• If you tell her not to worry; she’ll think you have no idea how bad she really feels
• If you tell her that she’s a good mother; she won’t believe you
• If you tell her you will come home early to help; she’ll feel guilty
• If you tell her that you need to work late; she’ll think you don’t care

Here is what to say:

• "I’m sorry that you’re suffering, this must feel awful and isn’t your fault."
• "We are in this together. We will get through this."
• "The baby loves you. I love you and I am not going anywhere."
• "You will get better. This is temporary. Let’s think about getting professional help."

Dealing with her irritability:

Don’t Personalize It

Try not to take it personally when she is irritable. But also do not allow yourself to become a verbal punching bag. It is not good for either of you. You feel bad and she feels guilty after saying hurtful things to you.

Actively Listen

Do your best to hear her underlying frustrations when you are listening to her. Try not to fix or problem solve in the moment. Instead, try just listening and holding the space for her.

Communicate Openly

Communicate what you are feeling calmly and respectfully. If you’re scared, tell her you’re scared. Acknowledge that you have noticed that she is not acting like herself and offer help and support.

Address her mental and physical health

Make sure that she is eating throughout the day; low blood sugar results in low distress tolerance and frustration, which will cause increased irritability. Allow her uninterrupted sleep when you can as sleep deprivation also causes increased irritability.


Practical things partners can do:

• Help around the house.
• Set limits with friends and family.
• Go with her to doctor’s appointments and come prepared with questions.
• Educate yourself about Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders and schedule a couple’s therapy session.
• Let her get five-hours uninterrupted sleep by doing some late-night feedings.
• Spend one-on-one time together. No TV, no phones, no distractions. Provide the space to let her just be
• When it comes to intimacy, be patient and respectful
• Encourage her to get professional help and find experts who treat maternal depression. 
• Try couple’s therapy to work on relationship issues.

Keep in mind:

• You did not cause her illness and you can’t take it away. 
• She just needs you to listen as she is probably feeling alone and scared right now. 
• Take care of yourself too; partners can get depressed during or after a partner’s maternal depression. 
• Often it is harder to deal with things when we have not gotten sleep. Allow her to get at least five hours of uninterrupted sleep.

 

While postpartum depression is a crisis that can have serious effects on you and your partner, it is a treatable disorder that many couples experience. By taking the proper steps to help you and your partner, postpartum depression can be brief and healed from without serious ramifications to your family and marriage. Think you or your loved one is experiencing postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety, contact Jamie Kreiter Therapy for a free phone consultation.

 

Read Part 3: This Isn’t What We Expected: You & Me and Our Therapist Makes Three 

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Jamie Kreiter, LCSW is the founder and owner of Jamie Kreiter Therapy, a Chicago-based psychotherapy practice, offering in-office and teletherapy based services. She is women’s health therapist specializing in maternal mental health and perinatal depression and anxiety.

Jamie has a master’s degree from the University of Chicago: School of Social Service Administration. Jamie has a great passion for working with mothers and their families. She has extensive training and experience in Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders. Jamie is a Chicago-native and has a private practice offering counseling, education and support located in Chicago, Illinois.

www.jamiekreitertherapy.com

Instagram: @jamie_kreiter_therapy

Facebook: Jamie Kreiter Therapy

If you are experiencing stress related to pregnancy and/or parenting, please call (847-363-0628) or email jamie@jamiekreitertherapy.com to set up a free phone consultation.  

References:

Barston, S. (n.d.) Keeping your relationship strong during postpartum depression: Four expert tips for coming through this difficult time together. [Blog post]. Seleni Institute. Retrieved from https://www.seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/16/keeping-your-relationship-strong-during-postpartum-depression

Campbell, M. (2016, July 10). The effects of postpartum depression on marriage. [Blog post]. The Good Men Project. Retrieved from https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-effects-of-postpartum-depression-on-marriage-divorce-and-custody-bbab/

Hibbert. C (n.d). Postpartum Depression Treatment: 10 things you should know & 10 things you can do. [Blog post]. Retrieved from http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/postpartum-depression-treatment/postpartum-depression-treatment-for-couples/

Kleinman, Karen (2013). This isn’t what I expected: Overcoming postpartum depression. Boston, MA: De Capo Press.

Kreiter, Jamie. (2018). Couples suffering from depression or anxiety. Retrieved from www.jamiekreitertherapy.com

Kripke, K. (n.d). How postpartum depression affects your marriage or partnership. [Blog post]. Retrieved from http://www.postpartumprogress.com/how-postpartum-depression-affects-your-marriage-or-partnership

McCabe, S. B., & Gotlib, I. H. (1993). Interactions o f couples with and without depressed spouses: Self-reprot and observations of problem-solving. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10 (4). 589-599. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407593104007

Postpartum Depression. (n.d.) Postpartum depression marriage problems. [Blog post]. Postpartum.org. Retrieved from https://www.postpartumdepression.org/postpartum-depression/marriage/

Roux, G., Anderson, C., Roan, C. (2002). Postpartum depression, marital dysfunction, and infant outcome: A longitudinal study. The Journal of Perinatal Education, 11 (4) 25-36. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1595131/

Whiffen, V. E., & Gotlib, I. H. (1993). Comparison of postpartum and nonpostpartum depression: Clinical presentation, psychiatric history, and psychosocial functioning. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61(3), 485-494.

http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.61.3.485

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* We recognize and celebrate diversity in families. All families, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, marital status, culture, race or religious beliefs should be treated with equality and respect. For the purposes of the piece, “partner” can be used to describe “mother” or “father”. “Mother” refers to the partner who birthed the baby. Please be aware that the topics discussed impact same-sex couples and couples who are married or not married.

This Isn’t What We Expected: Identifying and Overcoming Conflicts in Parenting an Infant

This week, I am so excited to introduce you to Jamie Kreiter. Jamie and I recently connected, and I was so inspired by the work that she is doing in the women's health sector that I knew I had to have her on. Jamie will be doing a three part series on how to make sure your relationship survives a baby. This week, she shares five major changes couples experience when they become parents.

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You have read What to Expect When Expecting, you have tracked the size of your baby (by fruit) week-after-week, your registry has been reviewed and approved by all of your mom-friends, parenthood—you’ve got this!

The expectations and reality of having a newborn baby is often very different. If your or your partner is suffering from depression or anxiety after the birth of a baby, the postpartum period can have a devastating impact on your marriage and family. Even in the best of circumstances, with substantial support and resources, having a baby can be a challenge, an adjustment and a strain on your relationship.*

It is well researched that there is a high degree of distress during the transition to parenthood. Many couples report a decrease in marital satisfaction during the first year postpartum. According to the Gottman Institute, 67% of couples report decreased marital happiness within the first three-years of their baby’s life.

There are five major changes that couples experience when they become parents that lead to conflict:

1. Less quality time

With more time and energy focused on the new baby, priorities shift and so there is less time for you to spend with your partner. When there is time, your day-to-day interactions and communication may be focused on the baby. Many couples miss the connection, friendship and passion that used to exist with their partner. 

Couples that continue to nurture their friendship after a baby maintain greater marital satisfaction. You must stay attuned to the routine details of your partner’s life (“How did your meeting go? Did you meet anyone new at the park?”) Asking questions and listening to the response ensures that you and your partner feel cared for and stay connected, despite the pervasive needs of the baby.

Try to resume some normalcy in your relationship. If prior to the baby, you used to go on weekly dates, keep this a priority by scheduling a babysitter once a week. If you used to check-in with your partner throughout the day keep this going, even if phone calls have to be brief.

2. Conforming to traditional gender roles 

Caring for an infant adds an additional 30-50 hours of “work” per week and a whole new to-do list for families. Tensions over the division of labor can lead to marital dissatisfaction—especially if one partner is not contributing equally to the household responsibilities and childcare.

It is common for mothers to take on more of these new parenting responsibilities. Nighttime feedings often fall on the mother, especially if she is nursing or on maternity leave. Finding the right balance can be a challenge.

Research shows you’re more likely to remain happy after the birth a new baby, if you can learn to effectively negotiate your new demands and not rely on stereotyped gender roles. When dads take on their share of household and childcare responsibilities, it is reported that moms feel more satisfied in their relationships. This is not about blaming or keeping score of who has does what. Rather adopt a “we’re in this together” attitude and create a plan that gives both parents needed respite. That means taking turns letting your partner sleep-in or having the working partner take more shifts on the weekends to compensate for the other person’s loss of sleep. Set clear expectations around responsibilities and ask for help when needed.

To stay on top of everyday chores, try to sit down with your partner each week to coordinate schedules, share parenting duties and keep the house clean for the baby. During this discussion, you might decide that if your partner cooks dinner, than you’ll do the dishes. Voicing any concerns in a respectful and non-blaming way will help you to resolve issues together.

3. Clash in parenting style

Different styles in parenting can be a cause of conflict in a marriage. Perhaps your partner is in favor of a stricter parenting routine. Maybe you disagree on whether to sleep train the baby. Whatever the issue, inevitably you will have some diverse views in parenting. Sometimes these issues are discussed and resolved prior to planning for a family, while other times these issues arise once the baby is born.

When you and your partner disagree on a parenting style, it’s a sign that you both feel strongly about what is best for the baby, this actually a positive thing. Accept the inevitability of parenting conflicts—you and your partner are unlikely to agree on everything and that is okay. If there is a sense of connectedness and respect for one another’s differences these conflicts can be resolved. Learning how to cope with stress and conflict effectively is important to understand your partner.

Couples should openly discuss their parenting differences. Couples who are willing to communicate, negotiate and compromise are better able to defuse conflict.

4. Decreased disposal income

Raising a child is expensive. According to a report from the USDA, it will cost a middle-income family $233,610 to raise a child born in 2015 through the age of 17. The high cost to raise a child can often reduce your disposal income and put a lot of strain on your relationship, especially if you and your partner have different values about money.

Financial planning is a skill. Start by sitting down with your partner to create a financial plan. Are you living on a budget? If you are not, start now. Include in your monthly budget groceries, clothes, bills, utilities, medical expenses and other essentials. In addition, start a savings: plan for college, family vacations, and larger purchases. Check-in and discuss your finances at the same time every month to stay on top of things and make adjustments as needed.

5. Decreased intimacy and frequency of sex

The bitter truth about a new baby is that nobody’s getting much sleep and nobody is getting much sex. Couples are coping with physical exhaustion and low sex drive; additionally moms are dealing with hormonal shifts, body changes, and recovery from childbirth. If and when, the mood strikes, the competing demands of a new baby leaves little opportunities for sex.  

Intimacy is an essential part of your connection to your partner. Start by engaging in an open dialogue about sex—what are your expectations for physical touch, affection and sex as a new parent. Discuss honestly, without judgment and without taking a denied request for sex personally as intercourse can feel vulnerable and painful for a woman after childbirth. But there are other ways to express intimacy with your partner in the absence of sex, like cuddling, loving touch or massage, and kind words. Be opened to a new closeness that you may have with your partner when you see them acting as a loving and attentive parent.

While it’s understandable and expected that sex will take a back seat in the months following the birth of a new baby, it is important that you put effort into making sex apart of your life again. Be understanding and kind to one another. Your sex life may look a little different than it did before the baby, but you will overcome the post-baby dry spell eventually.


Read Part 2: How Postpartum Depression Impacts a Marriage

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Jamie Kreiter, LCSW is the founder and owner of Jamie Kreiter Therapy, a Chicago-based psychotherapy practice, offering in-office and teletherapy based services. She is women’s health therapist specializing in maternal mental health and perinatal depression and anxiety.

Jamie has a master’s degree from the University of Chicago: School of Social Service Administration. Jamie has a great passion for working with mothers and their families. She has extensive training and experience in Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders. Jamie is a Chicago-native and has a private practice offering counseling, education and support located in Chicago, Illinois.

www.jamiekreitertherapy.com

Instagram: @jamie_kreiter_therapy

Facebook: Jamie Kreiter Therapy

If you are experiencing stress related to pregnancy and/or parenting, please call (847-363-0628) or email jamie@jamiekreitertherapy.com to set up a free phone consultation.  

References:

CNPP Office of Nutrition Marketing and Promotion. (2017). Families projected to spend an average of $233,610 raising a child born in 2015. United States Department of Agriculture. Retrieved from https://www.cnpp.usda.gov/sites/default/files/expenditures_on_children_by_families/2015CRCPressRelease.pdf

Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601-619. Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0013969

Dunn, J (2017). You will you’re your husband after your kid is born. Slate. Retrieved from http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2017/05/happy_mother_s_day_you_will_hate_your_husband_after_having_a_baby.html

Eldemire, A. (2018, May 9). 4 key issues for new parents and how to solve them [Blog post]. The Gottman Relationship Blog. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-key-issues-new-parents-partner-solve/

Eldemire, A (2016, November 25) The “Golden Rule” for new parents to keep the romance alive [Blog post]. The Gottman Relationship Blog. Retrieved from

https://www.gottman.com/blog/golden-rule-for-new-parents-that-keeps-romance-alive/

English, K (2011). And baby makes conflict: The five most common relationship hurdles new parents face and how to get over them. Today’s Parent. Retrieved from https://www.todaysparent.com/family/and-baby-makes-conflict/

Eunjung Cha, A (2015). It turns out parenthood is worse than divorce, unemployment—even the death of a partner. The Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/08/11/the-most-depressing-statistic-imaginable-about-being-a-new-parent/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.7c88c7082022

Gajanan M. (2017). The cost of raising a child jumps to $233,610. Time. http://time.com/money/4629700/child-raising-cost-department-of-agriculture-report/

Hildingsson, I & Thomas, J (2013). Parental stress in mothers and fathers one year after birth. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 23 (1). 41-56 Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1080/02646838.2013.840882

Kramer, A. (2018, June 28). How new parents keep their love alive and well [Blog post]. The Gottman Relationship Blog. Retrieved from

https://www.gottman.com/blog/new-parents-love-alive-well/

Lisitsa, E. (2013, July 24). Bringing baby home: The research [Blog post]. The Gottman Relationship Blog. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/bringing-baby-home-the-research/

Margolis, R. & Myrskylä, M. (2015). Parental well-being surrounding first birth as a determinant of further parity progression. Demography, 52 (4). 1147-1166. Retrieved from https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs13524-015-0413-2

Moss, L. S. (2018). Surviving the first year of parenthood. Parents Retrieved from https://www.parents.com/baby/new-parent/emotions/surviving-the-first-year/

Ramsey, D. (n.d). Here comes baby: Financially preparing of the bundle of joy. [Blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.daveramsey.com/blog/here-comes-baby-financially-preparing-1

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* We recognize and celebrate diversity in families. All families, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, marital status, culture, race or religious beliefs should be treated with equality and respect. For the purposes of the piece, “partner” can be used to describe “mother” or “father”. “Mother” refers to the partner who birthed the baby. Please be aware that the topics discussed impact same-sex couples and couples who are married or not married.

I Was Abused by a Woman - Part 4

This week, Johnnie Calloway shares with us how he faced down the demons and lies from abuse and found his way to freedom.

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"We must face the dragon to become the butterfly."

My childhood and my encounter with my stepmom were torturous, humiliating and most of all lasting. Yes, lasting.

Dr. Eric Gentry said in my first podcast with him, "When a child is traumatized they are robbed of hope and the world is no longer a safe place to be."

Mary Padlak, "As children, we are hypnotized with the lies we are told and go forward living our lives based on those lies."

I could go on and on about how important it is to investigate the lies we tell ourselves, make a belief system of those lies and then run our lives on beliefs that aren’t so.

The result of my experience with my stepmom, I came out of that believing I would NEVER be able to satisfy a woman sexually. I did everything I could to put on the show of being a man without having to put myself to the test.

I grew up in rural Kentucky, everything was about seeing how many "notches" on your belt you had. I told more lies about my "notches" than I can count. It was the only way I knew to feel a "part of". I do not know if anyone else knew they were lies or not. I did.

The trauma caused by my stepmom left me totally without hope. Her laughter left me terrified to even try. But I was a totally healthy human male. A very insecure, healthy, human male.

The dragons that I had accumulated left me hopeless beyond description.

RECOVERY

I had to find hope. That began for me in the rooms of the Twelve Steps and was expanded by A Course in Miracles. That hope eventually became trust.

My path to wholeness has not been the path most take. I have had to do many different types of therapy, healing techniques, and exercises. My willingness to keep moving and to stay open-minded has been my guide.

First A Course in Miracles taught me the importance of forgiveness, then just how to do so. Forgiveness has been my key to true peace of mind. My dad, before he passed actually became my friend.

Of all the things I have shared with you these past four weeks, some of the tools I have learned and used to heal, are without comparison, the most difficult to share. They are simply not the most popular and I, like most, want to be liked. I think I said in the beginning I would share my process with you.

So here goes. I was told in the beginning of my journey to heal to be, honest, open-minded and willing to go to any length. And the only thing I would have to change was everything. Since then my entire belief system has changed. The way I think and feel about God, life and myself has been altered.

What has saved me, for the most part has come from ACIM. Learning to take spiritual responsibility for my physical existence has been paramount. ACIM pp. 448 "I am responsible for what I see, I choose the feelings I experience, and I decide upon the goals I would achieve. And everything that seems to happen to me I ask for and receive as I have asked." My translation of this: "Nothing happens to me, everything happens for me."

The first time I read those words I was relieved. It no longer seemed that I was a victim to random acts of madness. Maybe I was not being punished by a God I had no understanding of.

How does spiritual responsibility fit in a life so traumatized?

French philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin said, "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience."

I am left with the question in my own pursuit of healing, "What if?" What if I was wrong? What if part of the hypnotizing I endured was about how life works, how God works, who and what I am? What if every belief I had needed to be dissected and investigated to see if I even believed it or not?

The big one. What if, my spirit self, did indeed make the choices in my life that have led me to this place?

In my Morph into a New You process, we believe, it is much like a math equation. Thought=Feeling=Belief=Behavior=Our Life. Therefore, if you can change a thought you can change a life.

The reality for me today. Most of us approach the idea of forgiveness as we are acquiring the ability to tolerate someone. When true forgiveness is acquiring the ability to appreciate someone.

My stepmom was a gift for what she taught me. Yes, there were things I missed out on that other young men could not only enjoy but take for granted. But, all the pain, confusion and torment forced me to search and without the searching I would not be who I am. 

In Richard Bach’s Illusions, something to this effect, "You have lived your entire life for this moment. Was it worth it?" TODAY, my response is a resounding, "Hell Yes! Just please do not ask me to do it again."

I believe when the caterpillar molts into the chrysalis, what happens within is the miracle. When we decide to Face our Dragons and investigate their spiritual meaning we are also, "Within the Chrysalis" and in the investigation we remember who we are. Only then can we become the butterfly.

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Johnnie Calloway believes that all healing is an inside job.

To heal and become a better version of ourselves we must change our self-talk or inner dialogue so we start to believe it.   As Johnnie says…

“If you want to change your life, you’ve got to change your mind about your life.”

To that end, Johnnie has dedicated his life’s work to helping others do this.  He does this through the following passions:

• Books
• Podcasts/ Conversations
• Writing; Blogs & Poems

I Was Abused by a Woman - Part 3

This week, Johnnie Calloway continues sharing about his journey -- this time highlighting the fear and depression that followed.

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"Most dragons have many heads and only one body, a body nurtured in fear." ~from 'Taming the Dragon', 1991. 

There are many faces to fear: guilt, shame, remorse, anger, resentment, hatred, all of these are just different guises to the same issue.

The situation with my step-mom brought all of these to the table for me. Each of these became bars to my prison. Holding me back. Not allowing me to become…the writer, the poet, the teacher, or any of the things that were my heart's greatest desire.

I loved women, too much I admit. Still, they were terrifying to me. I was so enmeshed in all of the faces of fear that I could not be real around a female, Everything I did was an attempt to impress them or to lure them into me. Only so I could run if they responded.

The fear of being laughed at if I attempted sex was paralyzing. I would literally stutter for some time around a woman I was physically attracted to, until I learned to suppress it, and I became quite the actor. I could become so nervous around them that my stomach would get in knots to the point of making myself sick. Enter alcohol, or any of its little buddies, i.e. pills, pot, acid you name it. If it would settle my nerves so I could act possible, I took it.

Usually, I would get myself so inebriated I could not perform sexually even if the opportunity arose. Which was very rare, not many women were attracted to the depth of my drunkenness.

Most would have never guessed what was going on within me. For the most part , I was the life of the party, always trying to make others laugh and was typically successful. By the time everyone else was ready to end the party, I was often to the point of being blacked out. Many times, I awoke not knowing where I was or who I was with. Frequently, I came to in a jail cell.

All the heads of the dragon were chasing me every day. The female/sex thing was the most powerful. I was incredibly co-dependent, which created quite the dilemma. There was a need that drove me passionately toward women and a terror that imprisoned me to no end. 

Do not get me wrong, it was not only the situation with my stepmom that created all these fears, the loss of my mom and the fear of being left, all the things that were going on at home with my dad also played their part.

I lived on the outside, only an observer to the game of life. All my friends, it seemed, were having girlfriends and sex, and I was left out. The loneliness that was with me constantly, even when I was being the life of the party, pushed me into a great depression.

Whenever I did not have someone to entertain I was suicidal.

THE BREAKS

During my adolescence and young adulthood, my only breaks came while I was incarcerated. I did stupid things often, without realizing at the time to get locked up.

Fear ran every aspect of my life. Running from and to women was my entire existence. Still, the biggest deterrent to being with someone was my fear of being laughed at about sex. My stepmom was still running my life. 

Eventually, at the age of twenty-three the dragons had defeated me. I was reduced to a shell of a human being. I lived basically in the streets, sleeping wherever someone would allow me to use their couch. I had only one pair of jeans, two t-shirts, a size nine blue flip flop and a size ten and a half red flip flop. I had the perfect alcoholic job, lawn maintenance, I could work in my flip flops, wear the same clothes every day, drink all I could while working, the boss bought lunch every day at a bar, at the end of the day we each were given a twelve pack to take home and at the end of the week we were all given a one-hundred-dollar bill.

THE DIVINE INTERVENTION

At a party one night, where I felt totally out of place, in jeans I had on for over a week without washing and one of the t-shirts I owned and donned in my sexy flip flops, I met her. I was so high on the three hits of acid I had taken as part of my death wish, I had no concern whatsoever about my appearance, my demeanor or anything else.

This beautiful blonde approached me and started a conversation with me. In my usual don’t give a crap manner, I responded. I say the intervention was divine because we were the perfect match. Her attraction to relationship at that time, she needed someone to rescue, and I certainly needed to be rescued.

Her need to rescue me allowed her to look past the fact that I was so stoned I could not perform sexually and that I had nothing.

Two days later she moved me in, based on the promise I would stop using a needle. Not long after that, we were married. Still, even married I needed to be loaded to have sex. More often than not, I wasn’t of much use to her.

It took three years for me to destroy any chance we may have had at making it, with my drug and needle use. I was finally driven to the point of asking for help and ended up at a twelve-step meeting. There, I finally had to begin the journey of Facing the Dragons.


Read Part 4

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Johnnie Calloway believes that all healing is an inside job.

To heal and become a better version of ourselves we must change our self-talk or inner dialogue so we start to believe it.   As Johnnie says…

“If you want to change your life, you’ve got to change your mind about your life.”

To that end, Johnnie has dedicated his life’s work to helping others do this.  He does this through the following passions:

• Books
• Podcasts/ Conversations
• Writing; Blogs & Poems

I Was Abused by a Woman - Part 2

This week, Johnnie Calloway bravely shares with us about the abuse he experienced at the hands of his step-mom.

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My childhood was confusing to say the least. The alcoholism was everywhere, the varying types and degrees of abuse were daily. Living on the edge of your seat and never knowing what was coming next was constant.

If my dad was drinking bedtime could be the worst. Sleep was almost impossible because you needed to be totally aware of his mood, attitude and whereabouts. I considered myself a skilled tracker, because I could tell you with the utmost confidence where he was, if he was drinking, and his mood just by listening to his footsteps.

We lived in a two-bedroom single wide trailer, with a long narrow hallway. If his mood was off and he started that long journey down the hallway, the anticipation was paralyzing. Holding my breath, pretending to be asleep and peeking under one eyelid was survival.

My mom had long since passed away. Leaving me and my two sisters to be with my dad. We all loved him, we were all terrified of him, and we all hated him.

The result was being moved from family member to family member, often. But we were, with all our issues, a hand full.

THE EVENT

The court system, had yet again placed me in another home, with my granddad, like the out of the frying pan into the fire kind of thing. My dad and my step mom had been out drinking and swimming and came by to visit me. They were both pretty drunk and wanted to take me with them.

Totally out of the ordinary, my granddad said sure. I was shocked, he hated my dad with a passion and for him to give my dad his way on anything, just did not happen. This was different.

My stepmother was drunk and dressed in a bikini and I was a 14-year-old boy with raging hormones and incredibly confused about sex.

There are certain things that we seem to intuitively know are wrong. There are lines we just seem to know aren’t supposed to be crossed. In my childhood, those lines were blurred and difficult to define.

When we got to my dad’s house he almost immediately passed out. She was already drunk beyond words and just kept drinking. With my dad passed out on the couch, she invited me to go see the chickens, there were no chickens. 

Everything in me was suspicious about what was happening. I walked back into the house and she just followed. There was a sexual energy in the air that was almost impossible for even a boy loaded with hormones and curiosity to ignore.

All I had known were the things that had happened with my dad, and what I had to listen to from what went on when my sister’s door was shut.

I felt like I was plugged into a light socket and could not pull away, the guilt of what I was thinking was making me sick. I tried to lose myself in the show on the TV.

After a while, she invited me to go see the garden, there was no garden. This time she would not let me just go back in. She stopped me as I tried to move past her, pulled me to her and kissed me while putting her tongue in my mouth. 

The physical sensation was incredible but my heart hurt. I knew if my mom were still alive she would be disappointed. I knew if my dad woke up, I would get a beating and so would she. I was terrified, excited and guilt ridden all at the same time.

I wanted to run and she would not let me. She pulled her top down and pulled me closer. Then, she pushed me to my knees and pulled her bottom down. Once I was on my knees, she said, now kiss me there. I could not get off my knees fast enough. I almost shouted, NO! "Okay," she laughed and took my hand and led me into the house.

I was mortified. She never put her top back on and made only a feeble attempt at putting her bottoms on. She had me by the hand as we walked right past the couch where my dad was laying. The desire was there for me, but all I could think was, "How the hell do I get out of here?"

She lay down and put me on top of her, my body was a wreck and the fear overwhelmed me and took over. I couldn’t do as she wanted and she laughed at me again. She tried a couple of more times and I cried. Finally, she pushed me away with, "I am going to wake your dad up and let him finish what you have started."

I hadn’t started anything. She woke my dad up, almost drug him to the bedroom, and they began. I had to sit in the living room and listen.

After that, until I was well into my twenties, whenever I knew I was going to have the opportunity to be with a woman, I made darn sure I was too drunk to be available for sex.

I was beyond awkward with the girls in my school. I made great friends with all of them but if it ever even started to be something else, I would do something to destroy it and avoid the fear of being alone with them.

Read Part 3!

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Johnnie Calloway believes that all healing is an inside job.

To heal and become a better version of ourselves we must change our self-talk or inner dialogue so we start to believe it.   As Johnnie says…

“If you want to change your life, you’ve got to change your mind about your life.”

To that end, Johnnie has dedicated his life’s work to helping others do this.  He does this through the following passions:

• Books
• Podcasts/ Conversations
• Writing; Blogs & Poems