July 24, 2018

I Was Abused by a Woman - Part 4

This week, Johnnie Calloway shares with us how he faced down the demons and lies from abuse and found his way to freedom.


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"We must face the dragon to become the butterfly."

My childhood and my encounter with my stepmom were torturous, humiliating and most of all lasting. Yes, lasting.

Dr. Eric Gentry said in my first podcast with him, "When a child is traumatized they are robbed of hope and the world is no longer a safe place to be."

Mary Padlak, "As children, we are hypnotized with the lies we are told and go forward living our lives based on those lies."

I could go on and on about how important it is to investigate the lies we tell ourselves, make a belief system of those lies and then run our lives on beliefs that aren’t so.

The result of my experience with my stepmom, I came out of that believing I would NEVER be able to satisfy a woman sexually. I did everything I could to put on the show of being a man without having to put myself to the test.

I grew up in rural Kentucky, everything was about seeing how many "notches" on your belt you had. I told more lies about my "notches" than I can count. It was the only way I knew to feel a "part of". I do not know if anyone else knew they were lies or not. I did.

The trauma caused by my stepmom left me totally without hope. Her laughter left me terrified to even try. But I was a totally healthy human male. A very insecure, healthy, human male.

The dragons that I had accumulated left me hopeless beyond description.


RECOVERY

I had to find hope. That began for me in the rooms of the Twelve Steps and was expanded by A Course in Miracles. That hope eventually became trust.

My path to wholeness has not been the path most take. I have had to do many different types of therapy, healing techniques, and exercises. My willingness to keep moving and to stay open-minded has been my guide.

First A Course in Miracles taught me the importance of forgiveness, then just how to do so. Forgiveness has been my key to true peace of mind. My dad, before he passed actually became my friend.

Of all the things I have shared with you these past four weeks, some of the tools I have learned and used to heal, are without comparison, the most difficult to share. They are simply not the most popular and I, like most, want to be liked. I think I said in the beginning I would share my process with you.

So here goes. I was told in the beginning of my journey to heal to be, honest, open-minded and willing to go to any length. And the only thing I would have to change was everything. Since then my entire belief system has changed. The way I think and feel about God, life and myself has been altered.

What has saved me, for the most part has come from ACIM. Learning to take spiritual responsibility for my physical existence has been paramount. ACIM pp. 448 "I am responsible for what I see, I choose the feelings I experience, and I decide upon the goals I would achieve. And everything that seems to happen to me I ask for and receive as I have asked." My translation of this: "Nothing happens to me, everything happens for me."

The first time I read those words I was relieved. It no longer seemed that I was a victim to random acts of madness. Maybe I was not being punished by a God I had no understanding of.

How does spiritual responsibility fit in a life so traumatized?

French philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin said, "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience."

I am left with the question in my own pursuit of healing, "What if?" What if I was wrong? What if part of the hypnotizing I endured was about how life works, how God works, who and what I am? What if every belief I had needed to be dissected and investigated to see if I even believed it or not?

The big one. What if, my spirit self, did indeed make the choices in my life that have led me to this place?

In my Morph into a New You process, we believe, it is much like a math equation. Thought=Feeling=Belief=Behavior=Our Life. Therefore, if you can change a thought you can change a life.


The reality for me today. Most of us approach the idea of forgiveness as we are acquiring the ability to tolerate someone. When true forgiveness is acquiring the ability to appreciate someone.

My stepmom was a gift for what she taught me. Yes, there were things I missed out on that other young men could not only enjoy but take for granted. But, all the pain, confusion and torment forced me to search and without the searching I would not be who I am. 

In Richard Bach’s Illusions, something to this effect, "You have lived your entire life for this moment. Was it worth it?" TODAY, my response is a resounding, "Hell Yes! Just please do not ask me to do it again."


I believe when the caterpillar molts into the chrysalis, what happens within is the miracle. When we decide to Face our Dragons and investigate their spiritual meaning we are also, "Within the Chrysalis" and in the investigation we remember who we are. Only then can we become the butterfly.



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Johnnie Calloway believes that all healing is an inside job.


To heal and become a better version of ourselves we must change our self-talk or inner dialogue so we start to believe it.   As Johnnie says…

“If you want to change your life, you’ve got to change your mind about your life.”

To that end, Johnnie has dedicated his life’s work to helping others do this.  He does this through the following passions:




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