January 10, 2019

How to Start Your Day with What Really Matters

This week, Karl Kaputski shares how he starts each day to set himself up for success while also asking some though provoking questions to help you begin to connect to the decisions you are making and the impact they have day to day.

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Destruction comes at us through many ways in life. It could be death, abuse, divorce, mental illness or health to name a few. How we cope with each particular one always depends on the individual themselves. So how does an injustice survivor cope with sexual abuse and/or incarceration? Through my own personal experiences and spending countless hours listening to the stories of others, I come to the realization that understanding the source of the problem effectively begins the healing process to move forward to having a productive, prosperous life. I am specifically talking about moving ourselves from the victim just survival cycle that we have been in for days, months, years, to a place in the present that allows us to change our focus to now reclaim the dreams that we once had.

Imagine an outsider is looking at your life. They are watching you do what you do. What would they say? How many of you believe you have a life bigger inside you?

How many of you believe that you have a way within you that only shows up once in a while?

Why? Do things get in the way?

How many of you have had a challenge to do something?

What was the original reason for getting started?

Was the original reason to get started something to just get by until you feel better? So a month, year, five years, ten years go by and you're at a new level in your life but you're still in your survival mode. Because your pattern is to survive, forget the pain...whenever it gets tough or you don't get what you want, you fall back into that just surviving cycle.

These are all questions I've asked myself over the years. And as you think about these questions and start putting your answers together, just like me, you will start to figure out who you were, who you are today and who you want to be in the future. Here is the kicker to all of this. As I have found out through my own experiences, if someone says they can help you...you avoid them because if you actually stepped up and did the things that you needed to do, you would stop surviving and you wouldn't know who you are! 

Yes, I would fall back into my comfort zone of just surviving than face the experience of confronting change. This would be like walking into a dark room without any lights on and instead of stumbling a little until my eyes adjusted to turn on the light, I would rather back out and sit outside until the light went on and I felt safe.

To say the least, I was not living the plan I wanted for myself. I had allowed someone else through their actions to dictate my emotions, thoughts and actions that were detrimental to my success. Forever, I thought, unless I changed my belief system I would never have the freedom to live life the way it is meant to be. 

Another symptom that takes place with survivors including myself is anger. It's almost like it becomes an addiction. Feeling angry fuels a feel good moment inside. The more angry we get the more we feel justify to keeping fueling it. Just like a fire, it starts to get larger and larger. Soon your emotional, mental and physical facets get out of whack and it becomes difficult to function on a daily basis. 

Compare it to an alcoholic, drug user or even a pornography viewer. At first, you use it a little. It makes you feel good. It takes the edge off. After awhile, you realize it takes a bit more to get that same feeling. It begins to accelerate that need to get more to feel good. Soon enough it gets out of control and starts affecting your life and the people around you. Being addicted to something destructive means you are walking around with chains on you. There is no freedom. The moment I realized that by having that anger I had no freedom, I knew change had to happen. This is what anger to me is and I know that if you apply these thoughts to your life, you will change too!

Anger is punishment I give myself for someone else's mistakes. Go ahead and repeat it back to yourself. By me memorizing these few words and understanding it's powerful message, I have changed my life and have started living the dream I first started with. Maybe you can too!

It's also about looking at things in a radically different angle. It is having a desire to be not where you currently are. I was ready. Are you? How many of you are ready to make decisions based on what you are capable of doing and not where you are today?

For my own personal life, I use a martini glass illustration. Now, I don't even like martinis and hardly ever partake in drinking, it's the shape of the glass and what it represents that means so much to me. As I was onstage years ago giving a presentation on peak performance, I noticed in the audience at their tables, that there were quite a few martini and wine drinkers. I began to watch how during each sip their eyes would light up and how they got that blissful feeling in their demeanor. Wow, I thought. If I could only capture that feeling my audience is having with those drinks, I could bottle it and change lives immediately! 


After some fun with those participants that day I realized that finding the passion and enjoyment a person has with something can effectively be used in changing their disposition on all other things in life. That martini glass is filled up top to bottom this way for me. 

God is on top. That is the place that has the greatest surface and volume. It's the first sip and always the best tasting every time. 

Family is second. It touches me internally and fills me with joy, responsibility and friendship. 

Health is third. Taking care of myself means being able to live a fulfilling life and to be able to help and serve others. 

Cash is fourth. Having the means to provide and help others. 

Fifth are skills. The importance of what I take in everyday is my addiction. 

If for some reason I don't finish my glass everyday, I know personally, that I have always taken in the best tasting and the most energizing portions to carry on my day first. Your martini glass might be filled differently than mine and that's ok. Just start filling your glass in order of importance pertaining to your life and start waking up everyday taking those first few sips of what really matters in life.
It all comes down to the one thing in life. The ability to influence yourself by making a decision. Ask yourself this...How do you want to be known? It's not what you do...it's who you are! We are all prisoners of our unconsciousness. we all live inside these. We are all caught in success traps and unsuccess traps or a variety of them. These loops are happening everyday. The final question I always ask myself is: If I was sitting down with myself five years from now, are the decisions that I am making now the best possible actions I could be taking? My answer and yours can sometimes be very surprising. Try it!

Karl



Note: In my next blog I will share with you how to change anything that you might feel addicted to in your life. I used these methods to change me. I know they can help you.


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Best I can tell I would classify myself as an entrepreneur. A seven times business owner, #1 best selling author, international keynote speaker and by the way, and injustice survivor. Working as a peak performance consultant in many different aspects in the business and personal world for 30 plus years, I have had the experience to delve into 54 different industries with individuals in all sorts of professions to help create within them a peak performance culture. 

Did you know that you can create predictable and profitable results in all five facets of your life? It's all about your emotional, mental, physical, financial and spiritual well being that are intertwined and affect how happy and successful you are going to be.


https://www.success1concepts.com/

Super Hero Secrets for Your Business: How to Unlock the Secrets to Boosting Your Earnings 20% to 200% in 12 months. Work Less, Less Stress. Greater Freedom


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NOW ENROLLING...
BEYOND SURVIVING GROUP PROGRAM FOR MEN
STARTS APRIL 9th

https://www.rachelgrantcoaching.com/group-program-men/


My Beyond Surviving Program is my in-depth program of live coaching calls and support that teach you how to finally be free of the past and move on with your life. 

It's for you if you want step-by-step support to reliably and consistently navigate life with clarity and ease. 

This program is designed for all types of survivors who are sick and tired of going around the same mountain over and over again and who want to learn specific tools and skills for transforming their lives. 

In the Beyond Surviving program, I've combined what I have learned through my own journey of recovery from sexual abuse, my study of neuroscience, my training in counseling psychology, and my experience working with hundreds of clients. I have included every lesson, exercise, worksheet, client example, and training module that has made a difference for me and my clients into this program. 

We use my guidebook, Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse, as the roadmap through seven modules that address the critical areas of life that are impacted by abuse. 

December 30, 2018

The Double Standards Male Survivors Face

This month, it is my joy to introduce you to Karl Kaputski, entrepreneur, author, and Beyond Survivor. Karl is up to some really big things in his life, but he had to fight to overcome trauma that started at the age of 8 and carried on well into his adult years. I know you will be inspired by Karl's story.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxMwHBU2nd0

Here are some pertinent facts about me:

Born into a blue collar family in Chicago with 3 brothers and traditional stay at home mother.

Younger brother was a special needs child. (mentally retarded)

Raped at the age of 8

Sexually molested at the age of 13

Quiet, introverted...first date at the age of 19.

Married at 29, and raised 8 children, (5 daughters)

Divorced 24 years later and obtained custody after suffering through extreme mental, verbal and some physical abuse from my ex spouse who suffered life long through severe bi-polar disorder. During this time span I had suffered the humility of being accused of domestic violence only to have this charge thrown out of court due to false accusations.

I suffered deep depression, anxiety and self worthlessness during these periods. Hiding under tables, locking myself in my car, even trying to hide within my own house to get away from the verbal and mental abuse that was beating down on me.

After all of this. I went through open heart surgery after suffering a massive heart attack that had me dead for six minutes.

This is where my story begins. I started to apply all those experiences I learned through helping others in their walk in life in reaching their peak performance and started applying it to myself. 


As a man, I never had realize what the impact of the early on tragic experiences had affected me. I was broken and and never known it. Unlike a woman, a man was always taught to be tough, silent and to move on. Society preached different standards for men and some men took advantage of it. 

But just like my female counterparts, I was insecure, embarrassed, intimidated and suffered through never ending bad endings. After encountering a woman who told me her story of being raped and suffering through physical abuse did it dawn on me that this was an everyday problem and it had to be stopped. 


At that moment my life changed. I made up my mind I was going to finally wake up and have a life! Working really hard, I followed my own teachings and created everyday habits and worked on my five facets of life. I knew that only then would I be able to accomplish what I set out to do. I have a great, happy life now...I feel absolutely fabulous. But I have not forgotten the victims who haven't been as lucky as me. 

I spend my time now working with groups, individuals, businesses sharing my story and helping them create a new culture within. I developed The Way Rad (quite excellent) Culture Experience. A program that helps rape, sexual abuse, and injustice survivors get their lives back and reclaim, reinvent and reignite the spark that each one of us has in them. I now spend my time speaking to audiences, conducting workshops, putting together programs and making society aware of what needs to be done to eliminate this problem in society.


Read Part 2: How to Start Your Day with What Really Matters

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Best I can tell I would classify myself as an entrepreneur. A seven times business owner, #1 best selling author, international keynote speaker and by the way, and injustice survivor. Working as a peak performance consultant in many different aspects in the business and personal world for 30 plus years, I have had the experience to delve into 54 different industries with individuals in all sorts of professions to help create within them a peak performance culture. 

Did you know that you can create predictable and profitable results in all five facets of your life? It's all about your emotional, mental, physical, financial and spiritual well being that are intertwined and affect how happy and successful you are going to be.


https://www.success1concepts.com/

Super Hero Secrets for Your Business: How to Unlock the Secrets to Boosting Your Earnings 20% to 200% in 12 months. Work Less, Less Stress. Greater Freedom


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOW ENROLLING...
BEYOND SURVIVING GROUP PROGRAM FOR MEN
STARTS APRIL 9th

https://www.rachelgrantcoaching.com/group-program-men/


My Beyond Surviving Program is my in-depth program of live coaching calls and support that teach you how to finally be free of the past and move on with your life. 

It's for you if you want step-by-step support to reliably and consistently navigate life with clarity and ease. 

This program is designed for all types of survivors who are sick and tired of going around the same mountain over and over again and who want to learn specific tools and skills for transforming their lives. 

In the Beyond Surviving program, I've combined what I have learned through my own journey of recovery from sexual abuse, my study of neuroscience, my training in counseling psychology, and my experience working with hundreds of clients. I have included every lesson, exercise, worksheet, client example, and training module that has made a difference for me and my clients into this program. 

We use my guidebook, Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse, as the roadmap through seven modules that address the critical areas of life that are impacted by abuse. 

December 24, 2018

How Somatic Experiencing Coaching Helps with Trauma


This week, Xanet Pailet concludes her series by sharing how somatic experiencing can help one heal from trauma, particularly in the areas of intimacy and sex.

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Have you ever had an experience with sex that triggered a reaction in you that you could not understand? For example, when your partner touches you in a particular way or part of your body that makes you completely freeze and then shut down?  Maybe you are having a reaction just reading about this.

If this is your experience, you are NOT alone! It is much more common than you think. I know sometimes these experiences and feelings spiral out of control and you feel completely overwhelmed. I have been there in my own marriage. I was so anxious about having painful sex that I completely shut down...for 15 years.  

Today I want to introduce you to Somatic Experiencing, a trauma resolution therapy I use with many of my clients that helps them regain intimacy with their partner. The concept of somatic experiencing, which was created by Dr. Peter Levine, is a process to help regulate the nervous system and bring it back into harmony.

The normal pattern for our nervous system is like a continuous wave that rises and falls. Let’s say that you’re home alone and all of the sudden you hear a door slam. Your body immediately gets activated: your heart rate increases, you start looking around sensing that there may be danger and your breathing gets more rapid. Your body is preparing to respond to the danger by fighting or fleeing. Then you realize that it was just the wind that caused the door to slam. Your body immediately relaxes and your heart rate and breath decrease. This is the normal activation/deactivation pattern that your body knows how to do to maintain nervous system stability.

Trauma disrupts the nervous system and causes it to be dysregulated, usually through over-stimulation. When we become over-stimulated, we can be flooded with intense emotions, such as fear, panic, and rage. This overwhelm compromises the body’s ability to react to the danger, and we get stuck in one of two patterns: either a very high level of arousal (panic, anxiety) or feeling shut down, numb, and frozen.  



The trauma can come from a variety of different experiences, from abuse to physical and emotional issues that overwhelm the system. When working with Somatic Experiencing, we focus less on the actual event, and more on helping the client’s nervous system learn how to regulate itself and rid itself of self protection patterns that no longer serve.


Lucy Said:
I have had issues with chronic UTI’s and yeast infections after having sex. This made me terrified every time my partner wanted to have sex because I knew that it would most likely end not with a blissful experience, but instead with me in the doctor’s office going through painful procedures. I found myself completely shutting down and not able to get aroused. This happened even when my partner and I decided to take intercourse off the table. It’s like my body was in control of the whole experience.

After being introduced to Somatic Experiencing therapy, I was able to release the fear and anxiety about having sex, and learn how to relax into arousal, bringing intimacy and pleasure back into our relationship.  


Somatic Experiencing is just one of many different tools that I use when working with a client who is experiencing challenges around their sexuality. Trauma survivors benefit the most from this type of work, as do those who experience very high levels of anxiety or feeling shut down and numbed out with sex. I go more into detail about resolving sexual trauma in my new book, Living an Orgasmic Life.  If you need additional support in this area, check out the resources that follow.   


Somatic Experiencing Resources:

Facebook Resources:

Irene Lyon, a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, has a Facebook group called Healthy Nervous System Revolution, https://www.facebook.com/groups/nervoussystem/. It is a free community that focuses on autonomic nervous system health. She also shares free resources in this group.


Books:


Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Stacey Haines, Cleis Press (2007)
In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter Levine (North Atlantic Books 2010)
Overcoming Trauma through Yoga: Reclaiming Your Body by David Emerson & Elizabeth Hopper
(North Atlantic Books, 2011)
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Boessel van Der Kolk (Penguin Books, 2015 Reprint)
Waking The Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter Levine (North Atlantic Books 1997)
Recommended Trauma Therapies/Workshops
Somatic Experiencing, www.traumahealing.org for a list of certified practitioners in the US and internationally
EMDR International www.emdria.site-ym.com for a list of certified EMDR practitioners in the US and internationally
Smart Body Smart Mind, www.irenelyon.com A comprehensive online workshop for healing the nervous system with advanced SE practitioner Irene Lyons.



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Xanet Pailet, author of the new book, Living an Orgasmic Life, is a recovered NYC health care lawyer who lived in a sexless marriage for over two decades.  After experiencing her own sexual healing and awakening in 2011, she transitioned her career into a full-time sex and intimacy educator and coach.  She offers 1:1 coaching and online group programs to empower women around their sexuality and strengthen couples’ relationship and intimacy skills.

Xanet is a certified Somatica Sex and Intimacy Coach, Sexological Body Worker, Holistic Pelvic Care Practitioner, Tantra Educator and is trauma trained in Somatic Experiencing. She is on the faculty of the Ecstatic Living Institute and the Somatica Institute.

December 18, 2018

Your Body is Made for Pleasure


This week, Xanet Pailet gets real about the real truth that our bodies are designed to experience and explores some of the blocks that prevent us from accessing this pleasure.


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Did you know that the human body was literally designed to experience pleasure? I know this might sound odd given that we give such little attention to our physical pleasure, but it’s really true. A great example of this is the sheer fact that women possess a clitoris - a pleasure-center that is only found among female mammals. It serves no reproductive purposes, and simply exists to create intense and pleasurable physical sensations.

But what is it that sometimes blocks us from being able to truly experience pleasure?

One of the largest inhibitors of feeling pleasure on a physical and emotional level is the presence of shame. When you experience the feeling of shame, it can instantly block the pleasure receptors, and stop you from being able to fully experience the positive effects of physical touch.


If a person feels shame about his or her body, it could instantly translate to a loss of pleasure in the bedroom. In today’s world, we are constantly bombarded by images of perfect, airbrushed bodies with teeny waistlines and six pack abs.

We see advertisements of toned people who never seem to age, and we are constantly comparing ourselves to them. It’s no wonder that we feel ashamed of our natural bodies! It’s impossible to measure up! But the fact of the matter is that humans come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and like it or not, we are aging.

On the journey to experience your physical body’s full pleasure capacity, it is important to rid yourself of your body-shaming habits, and begin an intentional quest towards self love.

Try the following exercises from Chapter 3 of my new book, Living an Orgasmic Life to begin to overcome body-shame, and to love your body exactly the way it is:

* Grab a pen and paper, and write down all of the the things that you love and adore about your body. Be as specific as possible. If you love your hair, get detailed about what it is that you love, such as "I love the way that my hair gets natural bouncy curls that frame my face."

* Look into a mirror, and use this list to affirm yourself, preferably out loud. Take some time to admire the parts of your body that you love, and to really allow the feelings of speaking kind words to yourself to fully sink in.

* Send some loving thoughts to the parts of your body that perhaps you don’t love as much. Instead of ridiculing yourself, make it a point to pause at that part of your body and think "I am sending love there.

* Continue to reach for self-love verbiage as a habit, anytime your negative self-talk begins to creep in. By doing this and forming a habit, you can slowly cultivate some serious body love!

If you struggle with body image issues, check out my colleague Elle Chase’s awesome blog, www.ladycheeky.com. Elle is a body image and pleasure advocate and the author of Curvy Girl Sex.


Judgments that you have about what is "right" and "wrong" about different types of sexual experiences is another place where shame can hold you back from pleasure. Perhaps your sexual blueprint and past experiences have led you to believe that certain sexual experiences are taboo. One of my clients fantasizes about a nurse/doctor scene, but she feels too embarrassed to ask her partner to engage in this role play with her, holding her back from experiencing her true erotic desires and her pleasure. I used to think that flogging was only for masochists, but then I experienced it myself and was shocked at how much erotic pleasure I derived from it.

The next time that you notice your own judgment coming up, take note of your resistance and remember that your body is designed for pleasure. You may also wish to take time in the future to journal about your sexual experiences, and your own understanding of what you perceive to be right or wrong in terms of your sexuality. Is there something in your belief system that you feel is holding you back? Note whether it’s your own belief or one that is imposed upon you.


"Sex pleasure in woman is a kind of magic spell; it demands complete abandon; if words or movements oppose the magic of caresses, the spell is broken"

Simone de Beauvoir

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Xanet Pailet, author of the new book, Living an Orgasmic Life, is a recovered NYC health care lawyer who lived in a sexless marriage for over two decades.  After experiencing her own sexual healing and awakening in 2011, she transitioned her career into a full-time sex and intimacy educator and coach.  She offers 1:1 coaching and online group programs to empower women around their sexuality and strengthen couples’ relationship and intimacy skills.

Xanet is a certified Somatica Sex and Intimacy Coach, Sexological Body Worker, Holistic Pelvic Care Practitioner, Tantra Educator and is trauma trained in Somatic Experiencing. She is on the faculty of the Ecstatic Living Institute and the Somatica Institute.

December 11, 2018

Ancient Cultures Were Sex Positive! Why Are We Sex-Negative Now?


This week, Xanet Pailet explores how shame and shaming messages about sex cause us to inhibit ourselves and miss out on the pleasure of sex.


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It’s no secret that one of our fave topics, sex, is also packed with a ton of taboo, cultural rules, and stigma. When it comes to sex in modern society, there can be a huge amount of negative connotations and even discomfort for simply indulging in a healthy conversation on the subject.


I mean we’ve all heard the old saying of what not to talk about at a gathering, "Sex, religion, and politics", but how did something that is so natural and paramount to human existence become so high on the "taboo topics list"? After all, sex is arguably the most ancient and natural human function that we have.


With all of this negativity around the subject floating around, it’s understandable that we live in a world heavily dominated by what I often refer to as "the nastiest five-letter word in the universe," - shame. There is no doubt that no matter how we choose to go about our sexual lives, we are undoubtedly doing it "wrong" and being judged by someone.


Whether it be due to religious beliefs, family or cultural values, the conditioning we receive as children, or what’s considered the norm within our social circles, it’s inevitable that at some point we will develop a way of viewing certain sexual experiences as "right and wrong." When we feel like we are doing something wrong, or outside of what is the norm, we end up feeling shame. And shame, my friends, can cripple your ability to experience pleasure and be intimate with your partner!


Studies show that when shame is present, it decreases your ability to experience pleasure. What a downer! This means that if in your mind, you are partaking in something that triggers your shame response, you will not be able to physically experience pleasure in the same way that you would if there was no shame.



We were not born with shame. In fact humans were created to experience pleasure and joy.  Female mammals are the only animals who possess a clitoris- with the primary function of providing physical pleasure and positive body sensation. Our bodies are not only capable of experiencing pleasure, but it’s a priority for our physical system. As infants, we live in a near constant state of pleasure or discomfort and the freedom to express it. Newborn babies coo when they’re nursing, giggle at the feeling of their toes in the air and touch their genitals with no sense of shame whatsoever. It is only after they begin to get older, that they learn to tame their outward expression of joy and pleasure, to match the behaviors of adults around them.  


But where did all of this shame come from, anyway? How did we as human beings, develop a modern culture that has widely shamed our sexuality; a fundamental human behavior and one of our greatest expressions of connection and pleasure?


Let’s take a look back at history.


In ancient history, many religions had sex-positive outlooks and teachings. Ancient Greeks celebrated the known connection between love and sex and paired it with the creation of the earth and cosmos.


Goddess worship was also a major part of ancient Egyptian culture. They embraced the belief that life comes from a woman which is expressed through her pleasure. Other ancient religions, such as Hinduism, adorned their temples with statues depicting powerful sexual Gods and Goddesses. All over the world, we find statues of Lingams (penises) and Yonis (vulvas) worshipping the God Shiva and Goddess Parvati to celebrate the importance of both!


Then, in walks Judeo-Christianity, which largely vilified sex and began what many refer to as the downward spiral of sex as shameful. Adam and Eve were depicted in "original sin" and then became ashamed of their nakedness, their sexual desires , and their "wrongdoing". From there on out, humanity has largely battled over appropriate behavior when it comes to sex.


As we now know, where shame is present, pleasure is not. As you begin to dive deeper into your own understanding of your sexuality, I implore you to explore your own beliefs about what is "right" and "wrong" for you as an individual.


If you need help, I have a whole exercise on belief systems in my new book Living an Orgasmic Life. As you begin to uncover layers of conscious and unconscious beliefs about sexuality, consider checking in with yourself and asking "is this belief something that I truly understand and take as mine, or is it simply what I once thought I had to hold as the truth?" You will likely uncover false beliefs that you have held that can now be released. This will in turn free you of some sexual shame, and allow you to experience human pleasure to its fullest capacity, in its most basic and natural form.


Read Part 3: Your Body Is Made for Pleasure



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Xanet Pailet, author of the new book, Living an Orgasmic Life, is a recovered NYC health care lawyer who lived in a sexless marriage for over two decades.  After experiencing her own sexual healing and awakening in 2011, she transitioned her career into a full-time sex and intimacy educator and coach.  She offers 1:1 coaching and online group programs to empower women around their sexuality and strengthen couples’ relationship and intimacy skills.

Xanet is a certified Somatica Sex and Intimacy Coach, Sexological Body Worker, Holistic Pelvic Care Practitioner, Tantra Educator and is trauma trained in Somatic Experiencing. She is on the faculty of the Ecstatic Living Institute and the Somatica Institute.

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