February 25, 2014

15 Minutes of Pleasure for Every Woman!

This week, I welcome Irene Fehr, Fire Igniter and Confidence Coach to share with us the amazing work she does with women and men to wake up their life force - that feeling of being alive, turned on and on fire - and create a life that they've always wanted. She helps her clients recover their passionate, wild and powerful self by opening up their sexuality and accessing the confidence to express themselves fully and ask for what they truly want. 

I'm sure you will learn a lot from this two part series and hope you will take the next step and join me and Irene on March 12 & 19 for this free 90 minute teleseminar for men and women. Learn more about that here.


Up until three years ago, I was a well-put-together, well-to-do woman. I thought I had it all figured out. I had specific ideas of who I was and how I am supposed to act. I meticulously curated my life, from what I wore to how I talked about my adventures, from volunteering in South America to raising chickens in my back yard. I had created an image of I got-everything-under-control, cheerful and happy, grateful-for-my-life woman.

Nothing was further from the truth. Despite the perfect resume, a gorgeous apartment, and exotic travels, I was filled with dissatisfaction and fatigue. With a slightest derail of plans, I’d fall over in despair, lingering in the thoughts that something was wrong with me. That I was broken.

I was living a double life.

I hid it well at work and with friends, but it all broke down in the bedroom. In sex and with my sexuality, when I was naked and the attention was all on me, I had nowhere to hide.

I could not hide that I was ashamed of my body. I could not hide that I believed that I did not know how to have sex. I could not hide the insecurities and the shame of not being able to climax. I could not fake it. All I was able to do was shrink underneath the sadness and cry.

It was all too much. So I pulled away. I stopped looking for sex or sexual connection. When relationships would lead up to it, I would cut them off at the bedroom door.

My only hope was the belief that it was about finding the right man. When I meet “him” and he will love me, I will be able to be happy and confident and open.

I had always known that I was very sexual, despite the lack of actual sexual experience. And while I waited and waited, a part of me was dying. The part that deeply wanted the attention and the touch. That wanted to play. That was full of passionate abandon and wild energy. The woman inside – she was dying and I did not even know it.

I had starved myself of connection to the point of famine. Hunger turned to starvation and deprivation, and like in real famine, after a certain point, the body no longer felt hungry. It actually rejected food like a foreign object.

I had starved to the point of not wanting anything anymore. I no longer felt desire or hunger for sex. Or other people. “I am fine, I love my life,” I recall telling myself. I was beyond desire actually.

And that was scary as hell. Because with my sexual desire went my body’s ability to feel excitement and joy. My life felt flat and gray. I had flat-lined.

I lived under a veil of sadness and dissatisfaction that I could not put my finger on. “What do you want?” was the scariest question anyone could ask me.

Even though my mind and body seemingly had resigned to the impossibility of being fulfilled, there was still this little voice of hope inside that was whispering: “There must be more to life than this!”

“We act either out of desperation or inspiration.” ~ Nicole Daedone

When I was introduced to Orgasmic Meditation, which has been developed and is taught by Nicole Daedone and OneTaste, I had had enough. Enough isolation. Enough misery. Enough deprivation. It was not by coincidence. After a year of mysterious illnesses and hitting an emotional rock bottom, I heard another woman share a story similar to mine. For the first time in my life, I did not feel alone or broken. I saw my role in my own deprivation.

And I knew the next right step for me. With the work of life coaches, I started to dismantle beliefs about myself that came from conditioning and trauma and expectations of what I am supposed to be and do, and rebuild it according to desire. Eventually, I had found the desire to know my body.

Orgasmic Meditation (OM) is a partnered sexuality practice where the stroker, typically a man, strokes the woman’s clitoris for 15 minutes, on the 1 o’clock spot, with gloves and lube. Yes, you read it right! The practice is about the woman learning to receive pleasure and feel her life force coursing through her body. It is equally designed for the man to learn to feel and connect to her without judgment or expectation. It’s vulnerable and confronting, and it’s a potent path to shedding shame and connecting to your own sexuality with the help of another human being, regardless whether you are a man or a woman.

It is a simple practice with profound impact.

Like with each small drop of food, I brought my body back from deep starvation with every 15-minute OM. With each connection with the stroker, I opened up to the vulnerability of showing the parts of me I was deeply ashamed about. With each request, I learned to ask for what I want with confidence. With each stroke, I opened up the flow of my sexual energy and orgasm.

First and foremost, OM has been about me and my pleasure and my sensation and my body. It’s been about showing up as I am, vulnerably, open to receiving pleasure, receiving my stroker and making adjustments to help him get on the spot.
Second, OM is about the incontrovertible fact that we need each other in the world. Not to live co-dependently, but inter-dependently. Connection is what all human beings crave, and it is one of the things that makes us come alive. We cannot do it alone.

OM is the nutrient I had been missing in living a lonely, isolated existence behind the mask of “I have it all under control”. OM is about the ability to self-actualize and show up fully – in all my messiness and vulnerability and shame as well as in all my bigness and light – in the presence and in connection with another human being. And stay present and conscious when it gets tough to work through it and build your resilience muscles. You cannot OM alone, as connection between the partners is what gives the practice its potency and healing power. 

OM became my safe playground to open up and experiment with my sexual energy – without any expectations of traditional sexual relations, such as to perform in any way, marry my partner, do anything in return. In an OM, I am the center of 15 minutes of undivided attention and connection, and it’s all about me being me.

Recovering your body from sexual deprivation or withdrawal is a process that requires safety, simplicity and practice, which makes OM an ideal starting point.

Safety: OM in itself has a strong container: a timer, gloves and lube, the nest, and strict agreements between partners – which separate it from regular sex and remove the anxiety that goes with it. This container creates a safe space for the woman to open up and relax into her body and her orgasm.

Goallessness: There is no goal to OM other than to be present with what is arising in your body with each stroke. There is no reciprocity involved. The stroker strokes, the strokee gets stroked. The lack of reciprocity breaks down the pressures that come with traditional conditioning around sex, especially for women (“sex is for him; I need to get him off for him to feel good about himself; he’ll expect something else from me”). Goallessness takes performance out of the picture for both men and women, leaving them to connect with each other, not get each other off.

OM as practice: Like with patients of famine and deep deprivation, slow and steady nourishment is key to bringing people back to health. It is the same with sexual deprivation. As OM is a practice that is best done daily, you get to reintroduce your body to sexual touch in small doses, and in the process open up to the vulnerability of sexual connection at a safe pace. With OM, you build up the body’s capacity to hold sexual energy, sensation and the emotions that go with it without setting yourself back to past shame or traumas of traditional sex.

After two years of OMing and allowing my body to first wake up and the learn to express itself as it naturally wants to, I look to my body as a guide to the rest of my life.

While I started OMing to “fix” my sex life, little did I foresee how I showed up in my sex life had so much to do with how I showed up in the rest of my life.

OM is an antithesis to anything I learned in life, school and business – and it dramatically changed my life. Through OM, I learned to get out of my head and into my body. I learned to let go of the belief that I needed to do something or earn the right to receive attention. I let go of the idea that I can control what’s ahead and “make it happen”, which for me, the quintessential over-achiever, was hard to swallow. I learned to embrace uncertainty and play with what is, which was vulnerable and scary. Instead of “figuring things out,” I learned to navigate the world by sensation and feel, through my body and intuition.

I had no idea how powerful this was going to be. I had no idea that 15 minutes of a man stroking my clitoris would change the way I saw myself in the world. How it would break down barriers between me and others. How it would nourish not only my body, but also my soul. How it would nourishing my woman.

Today, I introduce and teach Orgasmic Meditation to my clients. It is a powerful tool for women to open up and feel our way into our bodies and our power. It is a pathway to greater connection and healing.

A note from Rachel: 

If you're a bit shocked or thinking, "Well, that's out there!" -- don't worry, it took me a minute to wrap my head around it too! However, the practice of OM is a beautiful one and is just one way of accessing your sexuality and healing. And don't worry, there are modifications that can be made if you don't wish to be touched by a male partner. 

Above all, the takeaways here, whether OMing becomes a part of your recovery journey or not, is that you can reconnect with your sexuality and your body through intimate touch that doesn't go anywhere. You can think about how you can create a safe space to explore your sexuality. And, most importantly, you do not have to starve yourself!

Irene Fehr is a coach and fierce champion of women owning our femininity and sexuality and igniting the world with our power and leadership. She works with savvy, progressive, high-achieving women who desire to be feminine beyond words and powerful beyond measure by helping them access their life-force through their sexuality and use that power to do good in the world. Learn more about Irene Fehr and Orgasmic Meditation at www.irenefehr.com/what-is-orgasmic-meditation.

February 18, 2014

Celebrating 150 Blog Posts!

Okay okay, to be honest, today's post is only #149, but next week Irene Fehr, Fire Igniter and Confidence Coach, will be starting her two part series leading up to our 90 minute free teleseminar, Reclaim Your Inner Fire and Sexual Connection, on March 12th & 19th. You can learn more about that here.

So, before we continue our three months of healing our sexuality after abuse (did you read the kick off post by Ben Rode?), I had to sneak in and say a big....

... to all of you for being here, for reading what I and others are sharing, for your comments, for your loyalty, for your trust.

When I started my blog back in December 2010 (three years sure flew by!!), I had no idea what to expect. Turns out, blogging was a great way to try out chapters for my book (tricky eh?), helped me get a sense of what topics are most important to you, and also turned out to be a great way to collaborate with others who are contributing to the work of healing survivors of abuse (this also turned out to be a way to keep myself sane since I'm no longer trying to generate a new post each week ;) ).

Now, 38,000 (!!) reads later, I am more inspired than ever to stay the course and continue the work of helping survivors who are sick and tired of feeling broken and unfixable let go of the pain of abuse and move on with their lives.

Each of you is a treasure to me and I absolutely can't do what I love without your love and support.

So, once again -- thank you!!

With gratitude xo,


February 12, 2014

How to Call In Lasting Love & Orgasms

In the conclusion to our series on sex, relationships, and healing sexual trauma with Ben and Jen Rode and Valerie Taormina, Ben wraps things up with us by sharing tips to call love into our lives and to train our minds and bodies to make new, healthier -- might I say orgasmic -- associations.

I know I have learned and gained so much from this series and am so thankful for having these amazing folks in my life. By the way, if you missed my interview with them on Real Talk with Rachel last night, you can listen to the recording here!


WOW!!! Can I just take a minute to acknowledge Valerie Taormina for her amazing articles the last 3 weeks? You wouldn’t believe how often people ask us, “What about the men?” when we’re talking about our business, and we always tell them about Valerie’s incredible work and how transformational and cutting edge she is on the male side of the spectrum. Jen and I are so grateful for the work she does!!!

Ok, so we’ve covered a LOT over the last 5 weeks, and it’s time to wrap everything up in a nice little bow. The question now is, “What do you do now that you’ve gone down into the hard stuff and cleared out the mucky muck?” When all someone has known their entire life is relationships that haven’t worked or haven’t gone as deep as you would’ve liked, it can feel like you’re searching around with the lights off. Let’s bring some clarity into your life and turn the lights back on, shall we? Let’s bring in that perfect partner for you, or deepen the intimacy with the one you have now!!!

Let’s jump right in!

I’ll speak to the single folks first. We all know by now that we draw things in through our thoughts, intentions and vibration. So when we haven’t been bringing in the ideal relationships, it’s time to stop doing everything that we’ve been doing that we think has been right, and start having different thoughts, intentions and vibrations. It’s time to readjust your compass! Up until now, your compass has been pointing at what hasn’t been working simply because that’s the relationship model you’ve seen in the past, and you don’t have a better model to go off of just yet. When you’re focusing on what you don’t want, that’s the energy you’re putting out, and that’s what you’re bringing back in. It’s a perfect system. You think, “Why do I keep getting men who only care about themselves…” or, “Men can’t handle me” or “There aren’t any good men left.” Well, as long as you keep thinking that, you will continue proving yourself right, because that is what your compass is pointed at. Let’s readjust your compass so that your thoughts are pointed at how amazing men are and how much they love you. Let’s focus on the men who are looking for EXACTLY who you are and want to give you everything. The men who want to treat you like a queen. Men, all this stuff is exactly the same when it comes to you looking for your woman too, I just tend to always talk to the women because they are our primary clients…

When you get really clear on what it is that you want and readjust your compass to THAT, your perfect partner can come in immediately. It doesn’t always happen immediately, but it can. So here is what we do with our clients after we’ve cleared all the limiting beliefs and negative patterns. We put them into hypnosis and walk them through what it is going to FEEL like to meet their perfect partner. The entire session is about being in the feeling place of that encounter and really connecting to the vibration so when you meet that person in the physical, you will KNOW on a deep body level who they are, and they will most likely know you as well. So take the time to close your eyes and walk yourself through what it is going to feel like to meet the one who is going to be with you forever. Take them home and make love with them. Laugh with them. Cry with them. Snuggle with them. Communicate with them wherever they are in the world right now simply by “thinking to them” whatever it is you want them to hear, and then listen for a reply. This is the energy you want to be in every day until this person strolls into your life.

Now here’s the tricky part. You might meet someone after doing this who seems like they fit that feeling and then have it not work out. It’s easy to think, “SEE?? I knew this woo woo crap doesn’t work!” That is what we call getting sucked back into old paradigm. When you’re stepping into “New Paradigm” from “Old Paradigm,” Old Paradigm will do everything in its power to suck you right back in, because that’s been the pattern, and it’s way easier to go back into old pattern than stick with the new pattern. Our lizard brain only has one function, and that is to recognize patterns in order to help it survive. If our lizard brain comes up against something it doesn’t recognize, it will steer you away from it and scare you with thoughts of fear and death in order to make sure you comply and therefore stay alive. You can see that this lizard brain takes its job very seriously…

The important thing to do in this situation is to NOT go directly back to thinking about what didn’t work even if that’s exactly what your lizard brain wants you to do (very serious ;) ). When this happens, focus on the feeling of what you liked about the relationship, and send the intention into the universe to help you draw in that energy again, PLUS some new things. Maybe he/she was good looking and funny and great in bed, but they’re not looking for a relationship. GREAT!!! You’re so close to bringing in exactly what you’re looking for. Now it’s just a matter of staying in the feeling place of being in a relationship with someone who is good looking and funny and good in bed and now add to that feeling the vibration of being with someone who is ready to go deep into a committed relationship!!! Don’t throw the good out with the bad! You just brought in something that was working for what it was, which was getting you into the feeling place of some very important stuff on your list. Find a way to be grateful for every experience!!!

If you’re already in a relationship, it’s imperative that you are ALWAYS looking to be in a new paradigm. As soon as you get stuck in old paradigm, that is when relationships grow stagnant or fall apart. Always be asking yourself, “How can we grow as a couple TODAY?” Relationships always need to be minute by minute explorations of love. I tell my wife I love her 100 times a day. She is my queen, and I am always looking for ways to serve her. Any time I’m not doing that, it’s because I’m slipping back into old paradigm, which is me being sarcastic and “funny” (although my wife doesn’t think it’s funny…” rather than loving and accepting. And remember; All love is self-love, all judgment is self-judgment, and all love is self-love. And really, the only thing that’s REAL is love.

Ok, here’s the part where we talk about the magic of Gspot orgasm. I’ll be quick, I promise :) In Neurolinguistics Programming, they have something called an anchor which is a unique stimulus (a sound, touch, smell etc.) that creates a physiological response. For example, you’re at a coffee shop and you smell your ex’s cologne or perfume, and it takes you right back to the feeling of that relationship, doesn’t it. Or your old song that you used to listen to together. A collapse anchor is when you do something even more powerful that basically records over that old anchor. So now, instead of thinking of your ex when you smell that cologne or perfume, you think of an entirely new experience.

Here’s how we use the “anchor” model. We ALL have something anchored to our sexuality. To physical touch specifically. When we are intimate, our lover is firing off all of those old anchors, some of which may cause one to disassociate from their body or to have an adverse reaction. We want to create a better anchor. One that is more useful for going deep into intimacy and really experiencing infinitely more love and pleasure. So, the first half of the session is allowing all the shit that’s deep down inside to come up to the
surface, and then we *BOOOOOM!* collapse it all with 30 minutes of Full Release Gspot orgasm. To say it differently; we let whatever blocks there are to intimacy and to what we call Moregasm (more orgasm), come up, then we help her work through those things, and then we give her a new experience of herself and of what she thinks is possible. Once she has this new experience, the old negative experience falls securely back into the “Old Paradigm” category, and the new experience of freedom and release and ecstasy carries over into “New Paradigm,” which is where we should all strive to be because growth is where the magic is when it comes to relationships and personal development.

This is EXACTLY what we are teaching people how to do for themselves and for their lovers in our Explosive Sexual Healing training course coming up at our retreat center in May. You can learn more here: www.ExplosiveSexualHealing.com/training.

We hope to see you there! And if you can’t make it, I’m still here for you to answer questions, so just shoot me an email at trust@ExplosiveSexualHealing.com and we’ll get you squared away!

Thanks so much for following us over this 6 week journey!!!

In service,
Ben Rode


Ben and Jen Rode are living their life purpose, helping women bring in their man, money and purpose and helping them to fully embody the divine feminine, while honoring and supporting the divine masculine. They have created their own healing modality that uses the state of orgasm to plant post-hypnotic suggestions or affirmations. They are continuing to tear down the restrictions that have been placed on female sexuality, and are paving the way for all kinds of sexual healers to emerge through their upcoming TV show. They are here to make sexual healing mainstream, and to normalize Explosive Sexual Healing by making it the next hypnotherapy, the next reiki, the next talk therapy. 

Go to the website below and learn more about their transformational workshops.

February 7, 2014

5 Exercises Men Can Do to Take Back Their Sexuality After Abuse

In part five of our six week series on sex, relationships, and healing sexual trauma with Ben and Jen Rode and Valerie Taormina, Valerie will share with you some valuable exercises to help you release the pain of abuse and reconnect with your sexuality.

Due to the high volume of interest from my first article Behind the Iron Façade and Into the Male Heartwe’ve decided to take this last article in a different direction than the original intention.  Instead of diving into the topic of self love (maybe Rachel will invite me back to explore this later), I’m going to take us back to male sexuality and provide a few exercises that male readers can try that might improve their personal situations and transform the impact of male sexual trauma in their relationships.

Before I begin, I must address 2 things that I regretted to state more clearly in my first article:

1.) It must be noted that the “trends” reported in the first article were based on my experience working with clients.  My data is based on a relatively small population size and not on a comprehensive study (on a statistical basis my findings would not be considered reportable). With that being said, the “trends” reported were drastically represented within my sample population.  My findings were so surprising to me that I think sharing them has value.  In fact, in retrospect, I’m actually surprised that the only person who openly expressed this criticism to me was my aunt… got to love family! After releasing the article I was in awe of how many men reached out to me personally, shared their stories, and confirmed that the trends were true for them.  I don’t think there are many outlets for the type of information I collected to be shared; I am aware that my profession is rare and therefore so is the information I receive.  Getting behind the male façade is in some ways like exploring the depths of the ocean floor; while we know there is so much more to learn, when our submersible finds a crazy new sea creature you best believe a photo of that animal is in National Geographic the next day.  Consider the “trends” reported to be something like the sea creature and use it as a tool to begin investigating what else may be in the ocean of the male heart. Maybe, just maybe, this information can spark further investigation…fingers crossed.  

2.) Acknowledging male trauma does not mean that we should victimize men.  This point was illuminated by a male colleague of mine who does a lot of work with men in the sex positive community in San Francisco.  As he shared his reflection it was a total Homer Simpson moment where I said “doh” and sort of smacked my foreheadPersonally I think the victimization of women has been something that has actually taken away from women’s empowerment, and I surely do not want to replicate this model for men.  However, I feel if we are going to acknowledge trauma we need to acknowledge the whole picture, what really is going on, and this authentic conversation can bring forward more effective solutions.  In fact, I believe this could lead to a balance and an overall reduction in victimization.  If men are feeling stuck, closed down, and disconnected then perhaps acknowledging something that isn’t being addressed can help them open up, address their emotions, and normalize the situation.  If things remain in the shadow they will never fully experience the sun.

Okay, now that I have those little monkeys off my back I am now going to give you 5 tips that men can try to counteract the effects of trauma.  I have found that these things tend to make a difference for almost everyone I have tried them with, which is why I feel I can share them with you without fully knowing your sexual history.  

1.)  Acknowledge your pain

There was a time in your life when you cried and didn’t feel bad about it.  At some point you may have learned that this was a behavior that would not benefit you, so maybe you cut yourself off from emotion.  This is one way that we numb ourselves.  Funny enough numbing ourselves to pain also numbs our self from pleasure.  Some men that I’ve worked with can’t remember crying in their adult lives.  I’ve heard several cases of men who reported actually wanting to cry but felt it was impossible.  For instance, a parent died or their wife miscarried, and they felt like crying but the response didn’t happen.  Often a double layer of shame then happens, the shame that originally shut off the emotion and the shame of no emotion in a rare social situation when others expected emotion of them.   There is also the reverse situation where something really exciting happens but somehow you don’t feel fully happy and feel shameful that you aren’t fully happy.  I could go on and on with examples.

My suggestion is to acknowledge your emotions, and yes, it’s pretty much that simple.   Actively set aside time to write or speak out loud what’s in your head, what you’re sad about, angry about, hurt from, et cetera.  As you’re telling your story notice if you feel any place in your body that’s congested, tight, uneasy, then close your eyes and give yourself permission to feel it.  If the feeling is sadness, see if you can allow yourself to get really sad.  If your emotion is anger, see if you can allow yourself to get really angry.  Feel it, don’t numb it. Instead, coax it out.   

If you can’t actively identify your emotion try the reverse situation.  Notice if there is any part of your body that is congested, tight, uneasy, then close your eyes and see if you can locate an emotion or a memory attached to the area.  Then allow yourself to feel whatever comes up.

Bonus points if you cry or break something :)

2.)  Share your story with a trusted peer

Some of you just read this title and thought “there is absolutely no way I am talking to another man about emotions”.  Those of you who say this are precisely the ones who will benefit the most from this exercise.  In our society we have not only taught our men to shut down emotion but we’ve also told them not to talk about their emotions, especially to other men.  If any of you have ever experienced a time when you openly expressed your emotions to another man my guess is that you remember the conversation like it was yesterday.  Reality is the stuff you deal with is the stuff other men deal with, and just as much as is true for women.  The difference is, women are allowed to speak to each other about that pain. It’s not only socially accepted, it’s expected.  Set aside time with a male friend and ask them if you can share something personal.  Preface the conversation by acknowledging that it’s probably an unusual conversation.  Let them know you aren’t expecting advice or anything, but that listening will be enough.  Let them know that if they would like to share too, you would love to listen back. 

Bonus points if you finish the conversation with a hug :)

3.)  Practice receiving

You may not see the connection of this exercise to trauma but I guarantee it helps.  Often trauma causes a disconnection with yourself and others, especially sexual trauma where trust is broken.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that you become anti-social or something but instead what often happens is a “do it on my own” or  “I can only trust myself” mentality develops.  Actively practicing allowing others to contribute to you will create balance and connect you more deeply to your own desires.  My recommendation is a 30-day challenge where everyday you ask at least one person for a favor, for help, or to do something for you.  Actively keep track of the requests you’ve made and the benefits you are experiencing in your life.

Bonus points if you increase the amount of requests per day.

4.)  Give up the stimulants and the “end goal” during masturbation

Some of you are immediately tightening up at the mention of masturbation.  I find that most people in our society, regardless of how sexually progressive they think themselves to be, find masturbation in some way shameful.  In my opinion our societal bullshit around masturbation is one of the biggest jokes out there.  We are given these amazing bodies with the capacity to feel absolutely incredible and yet we are taught from a young age not to touch ourselves, that it is somehow dirty or wrong.  Another way of looking at it is we have been taught to deny ourselves pleasure and self-love.   The capacity that most of us actually experience our own bodies is miniscule compared to what is possible to feel.

Therefore, my recommendation is to become a master at loving yourself (preferably daily doses). If you rely on pornography or stimulants of any kind, or find that you are stuck in some sort of habitual behavior, change things up.  Also try giving up ejaculation as an end goal; take the pressure off your body, and learn to love all phases of your anatomy’s arousal.  Focus on the sensation in your body, explore new areas, new types of touch, et cetera.  If you happen to be a man that comes to climax quickly see if you can take a short break and go again.  Some men that think they are early ejaculators are in fact multi-orgasmic.  It’s your body so take yourself for a spin and see what you can learn.  Learning how to drive your own body is the first step toward being “driven” the way you want.

Bonus points if you show your new findings to a lover.

5.)  Stop asking your partner to cum on queue

As I addressed in my previous article, many men suffer trauma from being unable to please their partner in bed.  Since each woman is wired differently, instead of trying to give you tips on how to please her, I thought it would be more effective to tell you something to avoid doing that most men screw up.  If you’ve made this error in the past, please don’t worry at all, its incredibly common behavior that most women don’t speak up about.

The female orgasm is like an elusive snow leopard--if it’s chased, most often it will run away. Just like your body is different from other men, women vary too.  Some women find it almost impossible to orgasm and others are quick and multi-orgasmic.  Almost every woman I have talked to has expressed frustration by the pressure put on them to “perform” and wished their partners would understand that it all feels good.  The less pressure you put on your lady the easier it can be; it’s about the journey not the destination. So….it’s WONDERFUL that you want to please your partner, but asking her to cum on queue only works in porn.  Chances are if you’ve ever actually experienced a girl “cumming on queue” she was faking it.  The less you can focus on climax and more you can focus on the connection, the subtle sensations, and her body language the closer you will get to actually achieving your desired outcome.  Not pressuring her to cum will save you a ton of time, a ton of frustration for yourself and your partner, and a lot of sweat.

Bonus points if you stop judging sexual performance by orgasm

I hope this article has helped you in some way. I will be diving into this topic in more depth on Rachel Grant’s radio show on February 11th with Ben and Jenn Rode at 6p PT / 9p PT. You can tune in here!

If you’re interested in learning more or scheduling a free discovery session email me at coachvaleriet@gmail.com.


Valerie Taormina is a certified somatic sex educator currently working in the greater Bay Area. Her focus is on expanding male sexuality and assisting men with overcoming sexual trauma and emotional blockage, but her essential purpose is to help both men and women develop a deep level of self love and fulfillment. She helps individuals from all backgrounds fall deeply in love with themselves, and reconnect with their bodies so that they might create their purpose, and live a life filled with sexual, intellectual, and emotional satisfaction. She does this through physical and energy related work, with the belief that sexual enlightenment can open up multiple pathways to lasting gratification in one’s life.

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