Here is part three of our six week series on sex, relationships, and healing sexual trauma with Ben and Jen Rode and Valerie Taormina. This week we meet Valerie, certified somatic sex educator, colleague, and all around amazing woman! In this post, Valerie shifts our attention to the impact of sexual abuse on men and six things she's learned about male sexuality through her work.
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While there are so many things I want to contribute to this
blog series, I just couldn’t move forward without first addressing something
that I feel is horribly misunderstood and which is the source of optimism and
hope in my life: the view inside the male heart.
In Ben’s first blog post, he opened by providing statistics
about female sexual abuse. Now, in Ben’s
case discussing female sexual abuse is very relevant because his Explosive
Sexual Healing technique is a radically powerful way to help women reclaim
their bodies after sexual trauma. However,
there is another side to sexual abuse that is rarely explored, privately or
publicly. In fact, with the exception of the Catholic
Church and priest obsession, there is little mention of male sexual abuse in
the media. When cases of male sexual
abuse are mentioned, they are often depicted as rare outlier events that are
strange and unusual. For example, take the
rare case of the female high school teacher and the captain of the football
team -- even in these cases the male is often framed as “sort of cool” or “a stud”
to score his teacher. These views are
insanely harmful and inaccurate. In
fact, here’s an even bolder statement: these views are keeping women from
getting the men they want.
In my practice one of my specialty areas is working with
highly functioning men. Many of my
clients are top entrepreneurs, CEO’s, investors, et cetera. These men manage lots of people, lots of
money, have a ton of influence, and many of them are slightly miserable. Often these men come to me confused; they
don’t actually know why they are seeking help except they have an intuitive
feeling that something is blocking them in their sexuality and their ability to
connect with others. If any of you have
seen The Wolf of Wall Street and can
remember Leo’s character Jordan Belfort, then you have met a few of my
clients. Okay, I’m exaggerating a little,
but only a little (however Jordan definitely could use the treatment from a
sexologist).
Anyways, what I want to say
is that these men (and I’m almost willing to say all of these “type” of men)
suffer from blocked hearts. While I’m
speaking of blocked hearts metaphorically it isn’t too surprising that men in
this category tend to have higher rates of heart disease. Now, each case is special to each man (and
for confidentiality reasons I can’t discuss any specific case) but what I would
like to share with you is some themes that are revealing themselves that I
think everyone should know. Here
they are in no specific order:
1. Male
sexual abuse isn’t honored
60% of my male clients have reported losing
their virginity to girls/women four years or more older than them. Out of these men, 50% report their first time
being with women eight years or more older.
In other words, 30% of my male clients reported statutory rape. What’s worse, most of these men expressed
feelings of shame and guilt and low sexual satisfaction thereafter with any
partner. What might be the impact of a
potential large proportion of our male population hiding sexual coercion? What might be the impact of a large
proportion of women sexually coercing boys?
Now, what’s the impact of stories like "the jock and the teacher” being
expressed in the media?
2. They
want to please you, and the inability to do so can cause trauma
Often
masculinity is portrayed in the media as something selfish. We hear women talk about men jack-hammering
women or just getting themselves off.
Sure, this happens but usually it’s a result of a man feeling completely
resigned in his ability to please the female body, not because he doesn’t want
to. Guess what ladies: men know when
you’re faking it. When I say they “know”
I’m not necessarily saying they consciously know but subconsciously they know. Their body knows and it leaves them less satisfied (and you too). 95% of men I work with express a deep and
profound desire to provide pleasure to women.
They want to give you the mind-blowing orgasm you dream of. What’s getting in the way of everyone getting
what they want? Why is this so hard?
3. Men
can, and often do, experience physical pain during sex
What feels good to
each man is different to each man, as much so as for women. 80% of my male clients have reported being
touched in a memorably negative way. In
the same way that women report men “putting it in” without lubrication, many
men report painful experiences where women are thoughtless in their touch. Learning your male partners body and what he
likes is just as important as the contrary.
In doing so, I guarantee your sex life will improve. What are your opinions of the male body? How might this have affected experiences in
your past?
4. Penis
size/body image affect men more than we want to believe
Now, I’m not
going to say that the pressures put on women in regards to beauty aren’t awful, but I would like to point out that men suffer too and this affects their
sexuality. Men also suffer from the
penis size phobia. Here is something I
want all of you to know: the vaginal shape, size, depth, and sensitivity are
just as varied as the penis. Yup, that’s
right, there is literally a “best fit” for everyone. Our societal fascination with the “Dirk
Digglers” of the world are traumatizing our men and possibly keeping some of
you from the penises that feel the best to your body.
5. The
pressure on men to avoid vulnerability causes trauma
I have the privilege
of being allowed inside the sacred space of men and women. The trend I am seeing is not that men are less
sensitive, but instead that they are quicker to harden their sensitivity. Women seem to be more resilient; their hearts
close down from consecutive trauma, whereas men tend to close down after their
first confrontation with emotion. We
teach our men not to feel. To be a man
is to be tough, to be without emotion.
So what happens when a man first feels emotion? Well, he goes numb. It’s an extraordinarily
effective survival strategy. Underneath
this iron façade is an incredibly open, communicative, and loving heart.
6. Men
also need to feel safe
Often we talk about making women feel safe in
order for them to open up sexually and emotionally. Now, while this may be true, what isn’t fully
addressed is the need for men to feel safe.
The reasons for this need are different between the sexes. As mentioned in #5, the male underbelly is
quite a vulnerable place, but it is also a beautiful one. To help a man overcome his trauma and come
into his sexual potential his masculinity must not be in jeopardy. In my work with couples I help women learn
how to do this. What ways might you be
able to make your partner feel safe?
If you are a woman reading this I hope this has offered you
some inspiring insight that can help you see men in a new light. If you are a man reading this, I hope this
has given you a sense of relief and perhaps the permission to examine your own
trauma and sexual self.
I am so excited for the next two blogs. Without giving it away, I will be providing a
treasure map of sorts and some tips to discovering one of your greatest loves. As mentioned previously, the amazing Ben Rode
will be concluding our series by providing tips on how to readjust your compass
to get what you want.
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Valerie Taormina is a certified somatic sex educator currently working
in the greater Bay Area. Her focus is on expanding male sexuality and assisting
men with overcoming sexual trauma and emotional blockage, but her essential
purpose is to help both men and women develop a deep level of self love and
fulfillment. She helps individuals from all backgrounds fall deeply in love
with themselves, and reconnect with their bodies so that they might create
their purpose, and live a life filled with sexual, intellectual, and emotional
satisfaction. She does this through physical and energy related work, with the
belief that sexual enlightenment can open up multiple pathways to lasting gratification
in one’s life.
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