This week, I am so excited to introduce you to Jamie Kreiter. Jamie and I recently connected, and I was so inspired by the work that she is doing in the women's health sector that I knew I had to have her on. Jamie will be doing a three part series on how to make sure your relationship survives a baby. This week, she shares five major changes couples experience when they become parents.
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You have
read What to Expect When Expecting,
you have tracked the size of your baby (by fruit) week-after-week, your
registry has been reviewed and approved by all of your mom-friends,
parenthood—you’ve got this!
The
expectations and reality of having a newborn baby is often very different. If
your or your partner is suffering from depression or anxiety after the birth of
a baby, the postpartum period can have a devastating impact on your marriage
and family. Even in the best of circumstances, with substantial support and
resources, having a baby can be a challenge, an adjustment and a strain on your
relationship.*
It is
well researched that there is a high degree of distress during the transition
to parenthood. Many couples report a decrease in marital satisfaction during
the first year postpartum. According to the Gottman Institute, 67% of couples report decreased marital
happiness within the first three-years of their baby’s life.
There
are five major changes that couples experience when they become parents that
lead to conflict:
1. Less
quality time
With
more time and energy focused on the new baby, priorities shift and so there is
less time for you to spend with your partner. When there is time, your
day-to-day interactions and communication may be focused on the baby. Many
couples miss the connection, friendship and passion that used to exist with
their partner.
Couples
that continue to nurture their friendship after a baby maintain greater marital
satisfaction. You must stay attuned to the routine details of your partner’s
life (“How did your meeting go? Did you meet anyone new at the park?”) Asking
questions and listening to the response ensures that you and your partner feel
cared for and stay connected, despite the pervasive needs of the baby.
Try to
resume some normalcy in your relationship. If prior to the baby, you used to go
on weekly dates, keep this a priority by scheduling a babysitter once a week.
If you used to check-in with your partner throughout the day keep this going,
even if phone calls have to be brief.
2. Conforming
to traditional gender roles
Caring
for an infant adds an additional 30-50 hours of “work” per week and a whole new
to-do list for families. Tensions over the division of labor can lead to
marital dissatisfaction—especially if one partner is not contributing equally
to the household responsibilities and childcare.
It is
common for mothers to take on more of these new parenting responsibilities.
Nighttime feedings often fall on the mother, especially if she is nursing or on
maternity leave. Finding the right balance can be a challenge.
Research
shows you’re more likely to remain happy after the birth a new baby, if you can
learn to effectively negotiate your new demands and not rely on stereotyped
gender roles. When dads take on their share of household and childcare
responsibilities, it is reported that moms feel more satisfied in their
relationships. This is not about blaming or keeping score of who has does what.
Rather adopt a “we’re in this together” attitude and create a plan that gives
both parents needed respite. That means taking turns letting your partner
sleep-in or having the working partner take more shifts on the weekends to
compensate for the other person’s loss of sleep. Set clear expectations around
responsibilities and ask for help when needed.
To stay
on top of everyday chores, try to sit down with your partner each week to
coordinate schedules, share parenting duties and keep the house clean for the
baby. During this discussion, you might decide that if your partner cooks
dinner, than you’ll do the dishes. Voicing any concerns in a respectful and
non-blaming way will help you to resolve issues together.
3. Clash
in parenting style
Different styles in parenting can be a
cause of conflict in a marriage. Perhaps your partner is in favor of a stricter
parenting routine. Maybe you disagree on whether to sleep train the baby.
Whatever the issue, inevitably you will have some diverse views in parenting.
Sometimes these issues are discussed and resolved prior to planning for a
family, while other times these issues arise once the baby is born.
When you and your partner disagree on a parenting style, it’s a
sign that you both feel strongly about what is best for the baby, this actually
a positive thing. Accept the inevitability of parenting conflicts—you and your
partner are unlikely to agree on everything and that is okay. If there is a
sense of connectedness and respect for one another’s differences these
conflicts can be resolved. Learning how to cope with stress and conflict
effectively is important to understand your partner.
Couples should openly discuss their parenting differences. Couples
who are willing to communicate, negotiate and compromise are better able to
defuse conflict.
4. Decreased disposal income
Raising
a child is expensive. According to a report
from the USDA, it will cost a middle-income
family $233,610 to raise a child born in 2015 through the age of 17. The high
cost to raise a child can often reduce your disposal income and put a lot of
strain on your relationship, especially if you and your partner have different
values about money.
Financial
planning is a skill. Start by sitting down with your partner to create a
financial plan. Are you living on a budget? If you are not, start now. Include
in your monthly budget groceries, clothes, bills, utilities, medical expenses
and other essentials. In addition, start a savings: plan for college, family
vacations, and larger purchases. Check-in and discuss your finances at the same
time every month to stay on top of things and make adjustments as needed.
5.
Decreased intimacy and frequency of sex
The bitter truth about a new baby is that nobody’s getting much
sleep and nobody is getting much sex. Couples
are coping with physical exhaustion and low sex drive; additionally moms are
dealing with hormonal shifts, body changes, and recovery from childbirth. If and
when, the mood strikes, the competing demands of a new baby leaves little
opportunities for sex.
Intimacy is an essential part of your
connection to your partner. Start by engaging in an open dialogue about
sex—what are your expectations for physical touch, affection and sex as a new
parent. Discuss honestly, without judgment and without taking a denied request
for sex personally as intercourse can feel vulnerable and painful for a woman
after childbirth. But there are other ways to express intimacy with your
partner in the absence of sex, like cuddling, loving touch or massage, and kind
words. Be opened to a new closeness that you may have with your partner when
you see them acting as a loving and attentive parent.
While it’s understandable and expected
that sex will take a back seat in the months following the birth of a new baby,
it is important that you put effort into making sex apart of your life again.
Be understanding and kind to one another. Your sex life may look a little
different than it did before the baby, but you will overcome the post-baby dry
spell eventually.
Read Part 2: How Postpartum Depression Impacts a Marriage
Read Part 2: How Postpartum Depression Impacts a Marriage
Jamie Kreiter, LCSW is the
founder and owner of Jamie
Kreiter Therapy, a Chicago-based psychotherapy practice, offering
in-office and teletherapy based services. She is women’s health therapist
specializing in maternal mental health and perinatal depression and anxiety.
Jamie has a master’s degree from
the University of Chicago: School of Social Service Administration. Jamie has a
great passion for working with mothers and their families. She has extensive
training and experience in Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders. Jamie is a
Chicago-native and has a private practice offering counseling, education and
support located in Chicago, Illinois.
Instagram: @jamie_kreiter_therapy
Facebook: Jamie
Kreiter Therapy
If you are
experiencing stress related to pregnancy and/or parenting, please call (847-363-0628) or email jamie@jamiekreitertherapy.com to set up a free phone
consultation.
References:
CNPP
Office of Nutrition Marketing and Promotion. (2017). Families projected to
spend an average of $233,610 raising a child born in 2015. United States
Department of Agriculture. Retrieved from https://www.cnpp.usda.gov/sites/default/files/expenditures_on_children_by_families/2015CRCPressRelease.pdf
Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M.,
& Markman, H. J. (2009). The effect of the transition to parenthood on
relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601-619. Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0013969
Eldemire, A. (2018, May 9). 4 key issues for new parents and
how to solve them [Blog post]. The
Gottman Relationship Blog. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-key-issues-new-parents-partner-solve/
Eldemire, A (2016, November 25) The “Golden Rule” for new
parents to keep the romance alive [Blog post]. The Gottman Relationship Blog. Retrieved from
English, K (2011). And baby makes conflict: The five most
common relationship hurdles new parents face and how to get over them. Today’s Parent. Retrieved from https://www.todaysparent.com/family/and-baby-makes-conflict/
Hildingsson,
I & Thomas, J (2013). Parental stress in mothers and fathers one year after
birth. Journal of Reproductive and Infant
Psychology, 23 (1). 41-56 Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1080/02646838.2013.840882
Kramer, A. (2018, June 28). How new parents keep their love
alive and well [Blog post]. The Gottman
Relationship Blog. Retrieved from
Lisitsa, E. (2013, July 24). Bringing baby home: The
research [Blog post]. The Gottman
Relationship Blog. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/bringing-baby-home-the-research/
Margolis, R. & Myrskylä, M. (2015). Parental well-being surrounding first birth as a
determinant of further parity progression. Demography,
52 (4). 1147-1166. Retrieved from https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs13524-015-0413-2
Moss, L.
S. (2018). Surviving the first year of parenthood. Parents Retrieved from https://www.parents.com/baby/new-parent/emotions/surviving-the-first-year/
Ramsey, D. (n.d). Here comes baby: Financially preparing of
the bundle of joy. [Blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.daveramsey.com/blog/here-comes-baby-financially-preparing-1
* We
recognize and celebrate diversity in families. All families, regardless of
gender, sexual orientation, marital status, culture, race or religious beliefs
should be treated with equality and respect. For the purposes of the piece,
“partner” can be used to describe “mother” or “father”. “Mother” refers to the
partner who birthed the baby. Please be aware that the topics discussed impact
same-sex couples and couples who are married or not married.
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