What’s On Your Mind?

Last week I shared with you about the importance of “right speech" and how language has the power to not only inspire and comfort but to actually shift your character and beliefs about who you are. This is the first “add in” that I share with clients.

The next step in transforming your experience – the next “add in” – also drawn from Buddhism (excerpt below from The Religions of Man) but found in other theories such as cognitive behavioral therapy is that of right mindfulness:

“All we are is the result of what we have thought.”

Or, as I like to say, “What you think, you create.”

Now, if we are shaping who we are and as a result what we experience by what we think, then we darn well better be mindful about what thoughts are taking root!

We all have patterns of thought that have been created and reinforced by experiences. The trouble is that these thoughts, while they may have been useful as a way to cope or protect us in the moment, become ill-suited for our current experience. For example, a boy who is abused may develop the belief that he is at the mercy of the demands of others. This belief is quite true in relation to the abuser. However, this false belief continues to run in the background even as an adult, and so he is often fearful of being at the mercy of others and so pushes back whenever others make requests of him. His thought – “I’m at the mercy of others” – is causing him to respond to and interact with others in very particular ways.

Once you identify these sorts of false beliefs (thoughts) that are driving your words and behaviors/experiences – how do you then challenge these false beliefs (in the cognitive behavioral world, they would be called “negative schema”)?

By practicing right mindfulness!

The tricky thing about how our brain works is that it likes how things are already wired! After enough time, certain thoughts being “lit up” in response to certain situations becomes an automatic process. So, rewiring the brain can be a difficult process when the focus is only on mindfulness. However, when we bring in the power of language and actually say out loud the new thought that we want to take root, we increase the likelihood of creating new connections and severing the old ones. Thus, by combining right speech with right mindfulness – we have a powerful combination that can give a one-two punch to the false beliefs and negative statements that are keeping us from living powerful lives.

One of my clients struggled with the reoccurring false belief that she was stupid. The slightest mistake would trigger this false belief and off she went into a whirlpool of harsh thoughts and resulting negative behaviors (e.g. depression, guilt, shutting down). Rather than focus on the behaviors, we started with her words. She began by saying every morning out loud, “I am intelligent and capable.” At first this felt awkward and silly. In fact, her mind was doing what it should do – it was fighting back against this intrusion that threatened to change the status quo wiring. Over time, she got this down into her so deeply that, when she made a mistake, she took it as an indication that she needed to learn more, ask questions, get help, etc. rather than that she as a person was fundamentally stupid. As a result, she began experiencing life, herself, and others in brand new ways!

If she can do it, you can, too! Don’t allow false beliefs to be in charge. Use the practices of right speech and right mindfulness to challenge false beliefs and break free of old patterns of thought and behavior.

Last week, I encouraged you to write down what it is you’d like to know and believe about others or who you are and to read this card out loud to yourself every day (carry it with you, glance at it often). For example, “I am valuable. I am capable. I am enjoying life. There are people who can be trusted.”

This week, spend some time noticing the thoughts that travel through your mind as you go about the day and jot them down. Pay particular attention in moments when you feel challenged, ignored, scared, insecure .. what is that little voice inside saying? After you’ve discovered a false belief – return to the practice of right speech to begin challenging and transforming the thought to be something that is powerful rather than destructive.

This can be tough work and hard to swallow when we begin to notice how many false beliefs are running on a loop in the background. Be encouraged, though! Knowing and acknowledging is a step in the right direction!

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What's That You Say!?

Recently, I wrote about the importance of focusing on what you’d like to “add in” or “get back” that was lost as a result of trauma/abuse. Today, I want to hone in on one very particular thing that I work with all of my clients to add in – right speech.

This concept as conceived in Buddhism (excerpt below from The Religions of Man), can also be found in cognitive behavioral theory and rational emotive theory. I just like the way it’s conveyed in the Buddhist text:

“Right speech. We begin now to reach down and take hold of the switches that control our lives. Language is the first. Language does two things: it furnishes both an indication of our character and a lever for shifting it.”

This is an amazingly powerful statement and foreshadows the current trend of “positive affirmations.” However, beyond the importance of just hearing and saying good things to ourselves, language has the ability to actually shift our character and experiences.

When we think about transforming an aspect of our lives, we often focus on what we are doing and want to stop. Now remember from the last post, it’s important to turn your attention away from “stop behaviors” and towards those you want to “start.” This week, we go a bit deeper and consider that the true place to begin transformation is by noticing what we say and shifting our language. We need to start new habits around what we say – as opposed to focusing on what we do.

It doesn’t take long for us to identify the negative words we are saying about ourselves or others. Just record yourself talking for 10 minutes and you’ll have plenty of content to work with! Once you identify these patterns of negative speech – how do you then challenge and transform these patterns?

By practicing right speech!

So now, it’s time to check in on what you’ve been declaring about who you are! Take some time to answer this question:

What have I been saying about myself? What negative statements do I make about myself or others? For example, “I am worthless. I am incompetent. I am never going to succeed. I can’t trust anyone.”

Now, on a notecard, write down what it is you’d like to know and believe about others or who you are. Read this card out loud to yourself every day (carry it with you, glance at it often). For example, “I am valuable. I am capable. I am enjoying life. There are people who can be trusted.”

Just a reminder here: I’m not interested in you just feeling good about yourself or having warm, fuzzy feelings. I’m interested in you wielding the power of language to actually shift your character and beliefs about who you are, so that you can live a powerful life free from the negative statements that hold you back.

Oh, and just in case you don’t believe me, check out this video and take a few notes from this little girl – she’s in the know!

…and check back next week – I’ll be talking about the next step in transforming your experience – right mindfulness!

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What's to Gain by Knowing What Was Lost?

As I work with clients recovering from trauma/abuse, the common thread that ties each client to the other is the desire to stop certain thoughts or behaviors. Clients are often focused on what they want to “cut out” rather than what they want to “add in” when they initially start coaching.

Whenever we experience trauma/abuse, however, two things are occurring. We are both gaining and losing. We gain irrational beliefs, pain, anger, distrust … but we also lose a relationship, security, freedom, energy, joy …

As you begin a journey of recovery, I encourage you to first spend time reflecting on what it is you would like to “get back” that was lost as a result of the trauma/abuse. Knowing what you want to “add in” will get you much further along than focusing on what it is you want to “cut out.”

Why is that? Starting a behavior is much easier than stopping a behavior! If we think of a behavior or thought as something we have to “stop,” we struggle more. I think being told or telling ourselves to “stop” just triggers our inner two year olds, and we stubbornly refuse to cooperate.

For example, one client wanted to stop feeling extreme anger every time her boyfriend failed her in some way. As we worked together, we discovered that one of the things she’d lost as a result of childhood abuse was the ability to trust that she could depend on others. We shifted away from talking about how to stop being angry and instead focused on what she would need to start thinking or doing in order to trust others. She learned some new communication skills. She started looking for times when the boyfriend came through rather than focusing only on the mistakes (which, as it turned out, were actually few and far between but previously seemed to be occurring frequently because this is where her focus was). She also started to challenge the belief that others would always let her down. After about two months, she was able to respond to being let down or disappointment in a healthy way minus the excessive anger.

As I was thinking about this topic, I came across this acronym for people who want to stop smoking:

S = Set a quit date.

T = Tell family, friends, and co-workers that you plan to quit.

A = Anticipate and plan for the challenges you'll face while quitting.

R = Remove cigarettes and other tobacco products from your home, car, and work.

T = Talk to your doctor about getting help to quit.

START! While the outcome is to end the behavior of smoking, the path to getting there is to start – to focus on what needs to be added in rather than what needs to be cut out. By doing so, you will gain momentum, perspective, and the motivation needed to experience real transformation. Love it!

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Stop Being a Victim

In the world of recovery, there has been a shift from using the word “victim” to “survivor” when describing those who have been abused or suffered a trauma. This shift shows up in all areas of abuse/trauma: cancer, divorce, child abuse. It's even shown up in the workplace, as in "merger survivor!"

This new label was chosen in order to convey strength, to empower, and to embolden the person as one begins the journey of recovery. The intent was also to distinguish between the moment of the trauma/abuse (victimization) and that of the present existence and experience (survivor).

Moving from victim to survivor is an important stage of recovery. During this phase, the person reflects upon the experience, actively engages in facing and owning what happened, and recognizes the connections between the abuse and the way they feel, think or behave. However, this recognition and sense of empowerment is not enough. While "survivor" is a much better label than "victim," it does not go far enough in framing an identity that leads to a thriving and powerful life.

Imagine with me for a moment that the abuse or trauma you’ve experienced has left a scrape on your knee – just as one you might get by falling down on hard concrete (in fact, we often feel battered and bruised as a result of abuse or trauma). This scrape, for many people, remains unhealed for years and years. At times, they may bandage and tend to the wound a bit, but they never fully heal. Worse, they come to believe it can never be healed.

Now, in the case of an actual physical wound, the skin does eventually heal and leaves a scar. We look at our knee, see the scar, and remember that day when we were wounded. Yet, we don’t feel all of the pain or other emotions that occurred at the moment we were hurt. Nor do we continue to compensate for the wound by changing our behavior – such as not fully bending our knee for fear of reopening the wound.

I strongly believe that the wounds of trauma and abuse can be healed and looked backed upon in this same way. We can see the scar that was created, but do not feel the pain, need to compensate, or constantly re-bandage the wound. However, this requires another shift – namely, from survivor to beyond surviving.

I remember very distinctly the moment when I thought, “This is ridiculous! I don’t want to survive my life. I want to live it!” For that reason, I use the term “beyond surviving” to describe myself and my clients. With this simple shift in language and labeling, the objectives and goals of recovery shift as well.

It is my goal to support clients in reaching a place where they no longer feel it necessary to manage behaviors or cope with thoughts and feelings that have resulted from abuse or trauma. Rather, clients gain insights and skills that make it possible for them to live abundant, powerful lives that are no longer mired in the past. They see the scar but are no longer wounded.

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

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Lessons from the Country - Part 2

It's amazing to me that only a few weeks ago I was in a cabin in the country spending most of my time in a state of either relaxation or reflection. Now that I'm back in the city, responsibilities and appointments are back on the table, but how I'm managing and balancing things is very different now due to another lesson I learned from the country.

As I sat at the bar next to one of the local guys who was very kindly sharing bits and pieces from his life story, I would from time to time send a text or check email. He laughed a little and broke off from his story about playing baseball to jest, "Ya know, like back when people could talk without a machine involved..." I didn’t feel offended or chided. Rather I appreciated this jovial reminder that I was, after all, here partly to unplug. So, I tucked my phone away and enjoyed the rest of the evening chatting and learned a lot about the surrounding towns and the history of Clear Lake.

I also noticed as I strolled the small town streets that there were no near bodily collisions due to the text & walk action you see on city streets. People were strolling, taking in each other or their surroundings. They seemed to know and remember life without a harried pace that required constant effort, communication, and progress.

So, as I returned to the city I had it in mind to make a few changes as a result of these kind reminders. The first thing I wanted to do was break up with my phone. We had a long talk and I explained that, while I loved many things about it, I needed to have more time for myself and others. So, the phone has been banned from the car, the dinner table, when out walking, and any time when my attention should be on working or enjoying the company of others. To be sure, I might break this rule from time to time, but nowhere near as often.

Next, I carved out at least 30 minutes a day for time when there is no computer, no TV, no phone – a time of sanctuary in which to relax and reflect (so that maybe, when I go to the country again, it won’t be to recover but simply to enjoy the change of scenery). This is actually something that many time management coaches recommend. We’ve bought into the idea that every minute of the day should be filled with productivity, but research actually shows that we are more productive when we give ourselves regular breaks.

All in all, I’m trying to enjoy the country pace while still managing the demands of day to day life. When I start to feel rushed or overwhelmed, I just remember what my dad used to say, "Chickens may run faster with their heads cut off, but, honey, they have no heads!"

I encourage you to try one or two of these little tricks to help you slow down, unplug, or tune in to what's happening right in front of you!

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

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