The more I work with clients, the more I am aware of one of
the greatest hopes we have: That our hurts will not have been in vain, that
there is some way to make it matter. I know we often look to volunteering with
organizations, offering our time and energy to support a particular cause, or
serving in some other way that contributes to society. This practice is of
great value to both the giver and the receiver. Yet what often goes unnoticed
are the opportunities to serve those who are in our immediate circle ... the
ones we are closest to, the ones who put up with us during those years of
struggle, the ones who cross our path every day.
Often what inhibits and prevents
us from giving or sharing freely with others is a kind of stinginess. This is
not the stinginess that makes you give a $1 tip when you know you really should
give more. It’s not the kind of Ebenezer Scrooge stinginess that causes you to
ignore the circumstances of others. Rather, it is a type of stinginess born out
of a need to hide and protect ourselves and to preserve a sense of control.
Where does this type of stinginess come from in the first place, how does it
most often show up, and how can we break free of it?
Human beings are funny
creatures. We crave interaction and relationship, yet often behave in ways that
directly counter this need. The main thing that gets in the way of us
authentically interacting and forming relationships with others is our
need to look good! How many times have we been in a conversation, and
we have no idea what the person is talking about? Yet we nod and agree as if we
are also a scholar on Far Eastern spices. When we almost trip and fall on the sidewalk,
our first response isn’t, “Thank goodness I didn’t get hurt,” but rather, “Did
anyone see me fall?” More significantly, we are struggling through a divorce
but refuse to tell any of our friends, because we don’t want them to think we
are a failure.
For many of us, this need to
look good is often exacerbated by an experience in our past that made hiding
the safest choice. Additionally, many of us have suffered in silence and worked
to keep up appearances to the outside world – looking good was a way to shield
ourselves from revealing the truth.
Our egos are important and our
need to protect them is also functionally appropriate in many circumstances.
However, if we never risk ego by giving up looking good, then we miss key
opportunities to share and learn from others, to give others a chance to share
genuinely with us, and, perhaps most tragically, to really be seen and known by
others. We have to stop hiding.
Another way that stinginess
shows up is in our amazing ability to make choices for other people. I am sure
we have all experienced the following sort of invitation, “Hey, there’s a party
this weekend, I’m sure you’re too busy to go and wouldn’t be interested, but I
think it will be a lot of fun – you should come.” What in the world is that?!
This sort of non-invitation is
used as a defense mechanism to protect our egos from disappointment and
rejection. This type of exchange allows us to believe that the person is
rejecting the party (because they are busy) rather than rejecting us. The error
is in thinking that a “no” to an invitation means the person is saying “no” to
you personally. If we can recognize that a person may refuse an invitation for
any number of reasons (granted, one of those may be because you aren’t their
cup of tea), then we can give up the need to protect ourselves by offering
these sorts of non-invitations.
Instead, make a clear request -
“Would you like to help me on this project?” instead of, “I have this project
that I would like your help on, but I understand you’re probably too busy.”
Then, accept the person’s answer (which, by the way, will often include an
explanation such as, “Sorry, I already have too many projects.”) without taking
it personally. By making clear requests, you avoid inserting a negative influence
that would rob the other person of the opportunity to choose for him/herself.
Additionally, not asking others
for support (e.g. keeping the fact that you are going through a divorce to
yourself ) is also a type of choosing for others. The people in our lives want
to give their support. It is an act of stinginess to deny them the opportunity
to love and care for us. So, how do we counter this tendency to choose for
others? It may seem simplistic, but, when you extend an invitation, filter out
anything that is not the clear request. When you need support – ask. Stop
choosing for others!
Step 1: Get clear about what
you want. What specific type of support do you want/need?
Example: I would like to talk
by phone; I want to meet in person.
Step 2: Get even more
specific – How often? What day? What time?
Example: I would like to talk
by phone once a week on Tuesdays at 12p.
Step 3: Ask for
confirmation/agreement.
Example: How does that sound?
Would that work for you?
Step 4: Negotiate. Based on
the person’s response, you may need to adjust the details or you may have to
hear them say, “No, I can’t do that,” and not fall into meaning making as a
result.
It is a gift to those with whom
we are interacting to give up looking good rather than deceptively nodding to
avoid acknowledging that we do not understand. It is a gift to let others
choose for themselves by making clear requests rather than using
non-invitations. It is a gift to others to ask them to support us rather than
hiding behind excuses for not doing so (e.g. “I don’t want to impose.”) It
is a gift to those we love to risk our ego in order to build a more intimate relationship.
We will discover that our
relationships become more genuine and the ones we are with will appreciate our
openness. So, stop being stingy! As we search for ways to contribute to the
broader society, keep in mind those who are close to us. Embrace the
opportunities to serve them as well by making clear requests.
