The Path Forward for Survivors & Their Families

This week, we continue our series with Elizabeth Clemants who shares about the importance of survivors reaching a place of acknowledgement and for family members and friends to also be given the support to explore how they have been impacted by the abuse their loved one experienced.

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Last week I provided an overview of the work of Hidden Water, which endeavors to help survivors and their family members heal from the devastating impact of child sexual abuse (CSA). This work is done in two stages, first as an individual in a Healing Circle and then as a group in a Family System Circle. There are four types of healing circles offered, corresponding to four basic “roles” in the family:

(Green) For those who have been harmed sexually as children

(Purple) For those who have harmed a child within their family system sexually

(Orange) For those who had the responsibility of keeping a child safe from harm, but through inaction or not knowing, were unable to do so,

(Blue) For family members and supporters who were not harmed and did not harm a child sexually.

In the Healing Circles, individuals who identify as belonging in one of these circles come together to support one another in facing the impact of CSA on their lives. Participants explore areas for personal growth and are introduced to a three-stage model of repairing from harm, which is based on the restorative justice theory. This model highlights a path to healing for participants.

This first stage involves maneuvers that cloud the impact of what happened, like Denying (“it didn’t happen”), Minimizing (“It’s not a big deal”), Justifying (“I had a good reason”), Deflection (“Don’t look at me, I’m not the one that…”), and Blaming (“It’s your own fault”). 

These moves are reactions meant to move away from shame -- a powerful and painful emotion that people will go to great lengths to avoid feeling. Being harmed can make us feel like we are less than someone else, maybe even less than human. We are not seen by the other, but projected onto in some way that causes us shame. Similarly, causing harm can be a shameful event.

Too many people who experience CSA don’t leave this first stage. In this space, they devote a lot of energy to suppressing shame. For many, the efficacy of this strategy will diminish and they may develop addictions to help in their effort.

Healing from CSA can only occur if we step into the second phase of healing: acknowledging the impact of the abuse on us, and getting angry about it. People

so often tell me they have forgiven the person that did this, and are “over it”. And yet, it continues to show itself in dysfunctional patterns in relationships and situations, in depression and anxiety, in physical ailments. If you have never let yourself be angry and acknowledged the impact of the abuse - even to yourself, then you have not moved into true forgiveness yet.

Hidden Water is built precisely to give those who have been harmed by CSA an opportunity to find a safe space to explore the actual impact of the abuse over time. It seems that this cannot be done in isolation. In the circles, as we listen and hold space for others to give voice to the impact of the abuse on their lives, we see the many facets of how CSA has seeped into our lives and changed us in unconscious ways. This is true of all the members of a family, not just the ones that were harmed physically - but all the members were harmed in many ways. All need to be given the opportunity to explore how, and give voice to the feelings that come with that.

The BLUE circle is a great example of how this needs to be done by all. We are continuously amazed to see how the harm of CSA reaches everyone in the system with many harm events coming after the abuse has been disclosed. The family and friends who were not directly involved in the harm need an opportunity to express how they have been affected. Once they have, they are more able to hold space, have insight, power and compassion for the other people in the family. Often these are siblings, best friends, uncles, aunts, cousins, family friends, spouses of those that were harmed.

In Hidden Water, we are trying to build an army of healed folks within the family system to lend support to the overall healing and world view in a family. When you have people in the family that are no longer afraid to speak the situation out loud, who can see the harm of silence and denial, who will be vigilantly watching over the next generation for signs of abuse - there is suddenly support for those that were harmed in a way that was lacking before. When someone tries to minimize the abuse, or blame the victim, it is the healed BLUE person that is often right there to correct the false thinking, speak out for safety and health and acknowledge the on-going impact of the abuse.

And in this way, the family system starts to heal.


Read Part 3: The Healing Journey for Abusers & Those Who Didn't Intercede

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Elizabeth is a social worker at heart. She has always been interested in the intersection of social work and the law. To that end, she attend Columbia University School of Social Work where she graduated with an MSW and a Minor in Law. She immediately went to work in the field of conflict resolution and has been practicing ADR since 1997. She has founded three programs in conflict resolution, of which Hidden Water is one, where she serves a Board President. She also founded and runs Small Business Arbitration Center with the aim of offering truly affordable, binding conflict resolution services to small businesses and their clients. Elizabeth is also the principal trainer at Planning Change, whose mission it is educate and empower individuals to affect meaningful change in the conflicts around them. In addition to the programs, Elizabeth works as a mediator, a coach, a shaman and speaks regularly at events and conferences. 

www.hiddenwaternyc.org

A Restorative Justice Response to Child Sexual Abuse

A few month's ago, I had the great pleasure of connecting with Elizabeth Clemants, who has played a huge part in creating Hidden Water NYC, a restorative justice program designed to help individuals heal from the devastating impact of child sexual abuse within a family system. Importantly, they have developed programs for family members, advocates, and abusers. It is a great honor to have her here this month sharing about their programs and perspective on how we can address this epidemic.

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Child sexual abuse is prevalent in our society. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys experience child sexual abuse in the United States. This alarmingly high number is compounded by the reality that the abuse is not an isolated event – it has a profound lasting impact on the person who was harmed, as well as on family members and future generations. Beyond the family system, child sexual abuse (CSA) is considered an antecedent to crime, drug and alcohol abuse, incarceration, suicide attempts, dropping out of school, teen pregnancy, cutting and other trauma reactions that ultimately have an effect on the greater society.

Hidden Water is a not for profit organization formed in 2015 to help victims and their relatives heal from the devastating impact of child sexual abuse using a restorative justice framework. The Hidden Water model takes the view that CSA produces a constellation of harm that reverberates throughout an impacted family. Everyone is affected, and healing comes from the family members —  not just the one directly harmed.  Hidden Water works with four distinct groups of people harmed by CSA; 1) those who were harmed, 2) those who harmed a child, 3) the non-offending parent(s) or caregivers, and 4) family and friends. 

Healing from CSA, regardless of which category you identify with, involves shifting the response we have to the event — minimizing, denying, blaming, justifying, deflecting or shutting down — and moving through the pain that is being avoided: shame. The avoidance of shame leads to self-denying and self-destructive behaviors, such as the use of addictions of all sorts.  We believe that if people knew how to walk the path to healing their family, they would.  Given the opportunity to courageously take the steps to acknowledge the impact of the abuse on each person, families can heal themselves, and keep the abuse from finding its way to the next generation.

The mistake many families make is to believe that “it happened so long ago” when in fact the events continue to impact a family that has never properly faced it together.  It takes leadership, strength, and a willingness to face the often unspoken pain that surround the events, and all the shame events that have happened since the original abuse. 

In the coming weeks, we will write about the wisdom that comes from the four healing circles mentioned above and the family system that is deeply impacted by them. 

Next week:  Green and Blue:  healing circles for those who have been harmed.

Following week:  Orange and Purple:  healing circle for those who have harmed; directly, or indirectly.

Final week:  Healing the family system through accountability and understanding  

Read Part 2: A Path Forward for Survivors & Their Families

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Elizabeth is a social worker at heart. She has always been interested in the intersection of social work and the law. To that end, she attend Columbia University School of Social Work where she graduated with an MSW and a Minor in Law. She immediately went to work in the field of conflict resolution and has been practicing ADR since 1997. She has founded three programs in conflict resolution, of which Hidden Water is one, where she serves a Board President. She also founded and runs Small Business Arbitration Center with the aim of offering truly affordable, binding conflict resolution services to small businesses and their clients. Elizabeth is also the principal trainer at Planning Change, whose mission it is educate and empower individuals to affect meaningful change in the conflicts around them. In addition to the programs, Elizabeth works as a mediator, a coach, a shaman and speaks regularly at events and conferences. 

www.hiddenwaternyc.org

How Our "Ugly" Can Lead to Love

This week, we conclude our series with Fawn. In this post, she explores how to bring our whole selves into our relationships...no really! It's possible!

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There are moments in life that aren’t that simple. Or readily fixed.

Sometimes all we need is someone who will listen.

“I wish I could just go back,” a friend of mine thought out-loud, thinking of someone she deeply loved many years ago. “I wish I had shown him how much I loved him. He was so wonderful to me but I was young and stupid. Now it’s too late. He’s gone.”

Sorrow. Grief. Regret. No one escapes these feelings.  Myself included.

We imagine that our lives should be… “better,” “with more money,” “successful,” “easier,” “cancer free,” “perfect,” and “(…you fill in the blanks).”

But it isn’t like that right now, is it?

You made a few (or many) decisions that were kind of dumb. (Or, okay, completely dumb.) You went bankrupt. Broke up with a really great guy. Are afraid, angry and very fed-up. You have even managed to lose your car keys yet once again.

Deep down, these words are ringing in your ears, “There is something wrong with me.”

No dearest, there isn’t. You are simply being human, like the rest of us.

When I hear my clients tell me, as they often do, about their grief, disappointment and regret, I truly understand. We feel shame, hopelessness and despair and want to hide. We put on a mask and act like “we are fine.” If we don’t make a change, eventually we end up having no grace for ourselves or any one else.

Ouch. Please, no!

When I find myself ankles deep in failure, I often hear another voice, one that is lovingly poignant.

Fawn, what makes you think that you should be perfect, somehow better than the rest of the human race?

Do you really think that you are somehow immune to suffering and heartbreak?

Who told you that you don’t have permission to fail – and to fail rather gloriously?

Instead, how could what you are experiencing right now be a gift, even in disguise?

Are our lives, warts and all, a gift?

Sure. I think so. My own experience and the stories of my clients have convinced me that every bit of my past, present and future can be a door of possibility, if I receive them as such.

If I choose to bring whatever it is (even all of me!) out from my hiding, if I bring my regret, shame and sorrow into the light, there I can receive healing, hope and, best of all, love. My worst can become gold if I choose to transform my suffering into compassion for those who also bear its burden. What has made me weak can become my strength.

And here’s the cool part. When I come out of hiding, and accept and love those parts of me that I was otherwise ashamed to show, others get to see me. My honesty creates a safe place for others to be honest too. Pretty soon connection is formed. Heart intimacy begins to grow. This is the soil where real love flourishes. No secrets, no hiding, no shame. Just a joyous and dare I say even humorous acceptance of what and who we are. Whew! Relax. We’re going to be OK.

Sometimes, we need help coming into the light. I know I do. I am someone who not only coaches others, I have a coach myself—knowing that if I do the work involved in becoming whole, I can learn to honestly love me. All of me. And you!

There is a Divine Presence, one filled with grace, mercy and light waiting. And wanting to listen to you.

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Happy clients around the world call Fawn “Their relationship guru.”  For single professional women serious about creating an amazing life-long passionate love-affair, Fawn is their go-to expert to discover and claim their feminine power and attract great men who are ready to love, respect, and cherish them. Clients learn to radiate their unique confidence, love, and beauty in a powerful way that makes them irresistible to the men who are the perfect match for them. With confidence and joy — and with her inspired guidance and support — they learn to repel the men who only want to use them, and magnetize and inspire real, quality men into their lives to create real and lasting love for a lifetime.

Fawn spent most of her twenties and thirties with a series of dead-end relationships and broken hearts. When she was almost forty, after one last devastating heart-break, she decided she needed to start taking responsibility for her relationships with men and the pain she was creating. (Either that or become …a nun!) She began working with a coach who ever so gently asked her the questions that opened her eyes and her heart. Within a year, at the age of 40, she married the love of her life and they’re still going strong.

After years of informal coaching and transformational work, Fawn graduated from the prestigious Coaches Training Institute as a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach.

She is passionate about women finding real passionate love while being true to their authentic unique selves.

Learn more at www.fawngilmorekraut.com.

Get your free guide: 
7 Keys to Attracting The Man Who Will Love, Respect, and Cherish You

Putting an End to the Valentine's Day Myth

This week, we continue our series with Fawn, who shares with us how we can tune into love all of the time!

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Remember when you were little… and Valentine’s Day rolled around?

If your childhood was anything like mine, February 14th was utterly and absolutely fun. It was a day filled with little cards in crisp white envelopes, cupcakes with a decadent amount of frosting and those tiny heart-shaped candies, the ones with the words, “Love You,” “Hugs” and “Be Mine” on top.

As a child, Valentine’s Day had something for everyone. Mom. Dad. Siblings. Teacher. The classroom. Even that freckled-face boy who teased you way too much.

But we are no longer children, are we?

Alas. No. We have grown up and life looks different now. We’ve experienced our share of hurt, disappointment and betrayal and we now approach relationships with reasonable, well-advised caution.

If we are honest, we may find it hard to believe that love, the real deal, is possible. So when Valentine’s Day rolls around, you might find yourself saying a big, yawning “Whatever.”

Oh how I understand. Enough already with the hearts and flowers and jewelry and perfume ads. Oh yes, it’s Single’s Appreciation Day. Does that term feel a bit condescending to you? It does to me, but maybe that’s just my mood.

So, how did you get through yesterday? Whether you went out with friends, had a hot date, or had a date with yourself at home in your jammies, here are three things I want you to do today.

1.   Realize that LOVE, real love, is all around you. It’s relentless. And unwavering. And outrageously audacious. And we are swimming in it (although sometimes shouting, “Marco!” waiting for the “Polo”). From the beauty of each sunrise to the kindness of strangers, everything (and I mean everything) has been created in and for the beautiful purpose of love. So OPEN your heart. Even if you don’t right now have that one true love, open wide your heart to embrace and receive the enormous love that is this life on this planet. You are here for a reason, and you are loved – oh so deeply. Just look at all the little gifts that are all around you. Look for them. They are everywhere.

2.   Be an amazing LOVER to yourself. Yep. LOVE yourself the way you long for another person to love you. Buy yourself flowers, go to the spa, take a hike in a beautiful location, play your favorite music, put on your best dress and make your favorite dinner. And by all means, turn off that negative chatterbox in your head, if only for the day. Give her the day off so you can allow your thoughts to be only what is consistent with love: thankfulness, beauty, kindness, acknowledgement, expansion, growth.

3.   LOVE your neighbor as you LOVE yourself. From the abundance of #1 and #2, go and GIVE love to everyone you meet. Your neighbor means the person nearest to you. Even the one who annoys the hell out of you. Send them love and compassion. If it’s appropriate, offer them a smile and a kind word. Call a friend and instead of bitching about life, spend some time listening to their heart and sharing yours. In other words CREATE your own celebration of love.

Why do all this? It feels so idealistic and naive. Fawn, you’re silly to ask me to do this.

Maybe you’re right. But this one thing I do know. As you expand your capacity to receive love from the Universe, to deeply love yourself, and to be gracious and loving toward others, your light shines brighter. Your eyes begin to glow. Your mind clears. Your heart expands. And you become the woman who brings love into the room rather than the one grasping for it.

The good news is that A) You’ll be happier and more fulfilled, B) You’ll achieve more success in all areas of your life, C) You’ll be immensely more attractive to the people who are around you (particularly the strong, conscious ones).

How brash love is. In the face of everything that is ugly, unloving and downright evil, love calls us back to the place of childlike hope and trust. It gives us the guts to put fear, that life-sucking fiend, back in its corner. Love elevates us to be more than we ever thought possible, all the while empowering us to let go of our independence, self-sufficiency and holding others in our debt.

Truth is that this is my life’s work. I think about the women in my growing sphere of relationships all the time. I ache with you particularly around Valentine’s Day because I remember how difficult this day used to be for me. And I do my happy dance for you when you see how much you are worthy to be loved.

Wishing you a truly happy day-after-Valentines Day filled with love,

Fawn

Read Part 4 of this series...

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Happy clients around the world call Fawn “Their relationship guru.”  For single professional women serious about creating an amazing life-long passionate love-affair, Fawn is their go-to expert to discover and claim their feminine power and attract great men who are ready to love, respect, and cherish them. Clients learn to radiate their unique confidence, love, and beauty in a powerful way that makes them irresistible to the men who are the perfect match for them. With confidence and joy — and with her inspired guidance and support — they learn to repel the men who only want to use them, and magnetize and inspire real, quality men into their lives to create real and lasting love for a lifetime.

Fawn spent most of her twenties and thirties with a series of dead-end relationships and broken hearts. When she was almost forty, after one last devastating heart-break, she decided she needed to start taking responsibility for her relationships with men and the pain she was creating. (Either that or become …a nun!) She began working with a coach who ever so gently asked her the questions that opened her eyes and her heart. Within a year, at the age of 40, she married the love of her life and they’re still going strong.

After years of informal coaching and transformational work, Fawn graduated from the prestigious Coaches Training Institute as a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach.

She is passionate about women finding real passionate love while being true to their authentic unique selves.

Learn more at www.fawngilmorekraut.com.

Get your free guide: 
7 Keys to Attracting The Man Who Will Love, Respect, and Cherish You

Do I Dare Love Again?

This week, we continue our series with Fawn, who dives into the scars that love can leave and how we can avoid shutting love out.

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The subject for today’s post resulted from a common theme that emerged this past week with different clients, women in my workshops, Break Through Into Love consultations, and Facebook status updates. The theme had to do with our willingness to open our hearts again to love after having suffered a devastating loss.

The first time we touch a hot stove we learn quickly not to ever do that again. So it is with love. When we give ourselves to someone, and they abuse our trust, disrespect us, abandon us, or cheat on us, we are left reeling in pain and confusion. The last thing we want to do is go back into that cauldron of heartache. Yet, we DO want to go back. We long to love and to be loved. We are born to love!

A client shared with me last week how difficult it is to emotionally let go of her former “lover” who cheated on her and abandoned her. How on earth can she open her heart again to a new love?

Fortunately, she is embracing our work together, healing her broken heart, learning to love herself and to honor her own values. Her light is beginning to shine again in a way that others are taking notice. She’s more in tune with her own intuition than she was when she first met her former “lover”. It’s unlikely she would ever make the same mistakes again. Still…the hesitation. Do I dare love again? What if he hurts me? I don’t think I can take that.

Love is a risk. There’s no other way to say it. We can’t create a deep and passionate long-term loving relationship without becoming vulnerable to our lover. Every time my husband Steve or I retreat into our own self-protection, we exclude and hurt each other. But we’re committed to each other and to our marriage. So we come back together and apologize and reaffirm our love for each other. And our relationship grows deeper each day.

I shared with my client what C.S. Lewis said so profoundly:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…The only place outside heaven you can be perfectly safe from all dangers of love is hell."

I’m always so moved by this statement by C.S. Lewis. Right after I got off the phone with my client, the message came charging at me again. This time in the FaceBook post of my friend.

“This morning, while working with my voice coach, we were singing The Rose. When it came to the verse that says ‘Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves the soul to bleed.’ I realized I have unconsciously held the belief that love hurts, so don’t let it in again. When we’ve been hurt by someone we loved, it’s easy to put up the armor and vow never to let that happen again. Except, when you lock up your heart, you not only disallow outside love to come in, but also, self-love… the most important love of all. Now that I have brought this belief to consciousness, I bless it. I see how it has served to protect me, and now I choose to let it go and let love in again.”

So, I guess the Universe is speaking to us about releasing our armor and taking the risk of loving again. But we should not do it blindly. Only after we have learned the lessons from our broken heart should we bring our wiser whole self back into the arena of love.

Wishing you courage and faith as you open your heart to love.

Fawn

Read Part 3, "How to Put an End to the Valentine's Day Myth"

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Happy clients around the world call Fawn “Their relationship guru.”  For single professional women serious about creating an amazing life-long passionate love-affair, Fawn is their go-to expert to discover and claim their feminine power and attract great men who are ready to love, respect, and cherish them. Clients learn to radiate their unique confidence, love, and beauty in a powerful way that makes them irresistible to the men who are the perfect match for them. With confidence and joy — and with her inspired guidance and support — they learn to repel the men who only want to use them, and magnetize and inspire real, quality men into their lives to create real and lasting love for a lifetime.

Fawn spent most of her twenties and thirties with a series of dead-end relationships and broken hearts. When she was almost forty, after one last devastating heart-break, she decided she needed to start taking responsibility for her relationships with men and the pain she was creating. (Either that or become …a nun!) She began working with a coach who ever so gently asked her the questions that opened her eyes and her heart. Within a year, at the age of 40, she married the love of her life and they’re still going strong.

After years of informal coaching and transformational work, Fawn graduated from the prestigious Coaches Training Institute as a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach.

She is passionate about women finding real passionate love while being true to their authentic unique selves.

Learn more at www.fawngilmorekraut.com.

Get your free guide: 
7 Keys to Attracting The Man Who Will Love, Respect, and Cherish You