5 Mindset Remedies for Common Fears About Saying No

Today, we conclude our series with Joy Evanns. She shares with us five common fears that stop us from saying no and how to overcome them. Be sure to get her How to Say NO scripts now.

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Every time we say NO, or think about saying NO, there are perceived risks that sometimes are powerful enough to stop us in our tracks.

But when you recognize the stumbling block and know the appropriate antidote, you’ll be far more likely to have the difficult conversations in your life and work that need to be had.

Here are 5 Mindset Remedies for Common Fears About Saying No:

1) Fear: I won’t be liked or respected.

Remedy: It’s easy to put the focus on other people, about the potential rejection that might come from setting a boundary. But I invite you to turn this around….are you liking or respecting yourself if you’re not drawing a line in the sand when it needs to be drawn? At the end of the day, yours is the only opinion that really matters.

Your heart will always feel empty and wanting for approval and acceptance unless you give this energy to yourself first. It doesn’t matter how highly people think of you or how many facebook friends you have or how much money you make, until you begin to treat yourself with the love and respect you want, nothing else that anyone else will give you will ever feel like enough.

Saying NO requires knowing your biggest commitments and being willing to bravely stand for them even when doing so is unpopular. That’s all your NO is, it’s taking a stand for your biggest commitments even when the people around you don’t understand.  If you don’t like and respect yourself enough to do that, anything from anyone else will feel hollow.

2) Fear: The other person will be mad, upset, or disappointed.

Remedy: Yep, this can always happen anytime someone doesn’t hear what they want to hear. But over the long run, you’re always better off to invest in relationships where you can be honest. 

Be real. There’s less stress. Less mess. Less drama. Maintaining a façade requires a lot of energy and effort.  Energy I’d personally much rather spend on something else. Wouldn’t you?

Plus, you’re never responsible for how someone else feels. You are responsible for how you feel and they are responsible for how they feel. 

Remember, they have a particular set of programming that informs what emotions may come up for them that have NOTHING to do with you. So say your piece and allow yourself to be at peace with allowing others to have the experience that they are choosing in the world.

3) Fear: I’ll feel guilty.

Remedy: One of my mentors, Jay Fiset, had this explanation about guilt: Guilt is what happens when we have a particular belief, yet our actions are not in alignment with that belief. There is a gap between our belief and behavior and guilt is what fills in the middle. 

For example, let’s say I had a belief that “Good daughters always help their mothers.” Yet, when my mom calls to ask for help with a favor, I say NO. In such a case, I might feel guilty. 

Why? Guilt is actually a way to punish ourselves for not having the behavior that is in alignment with our belief. And it’s a way of functionally trading that punishment for not needing to change EITHER the belief or the behavior.

The true solution for guilt is to create alignment between your belief and behavior. You can change one or the other. Usually, it’s the belief that needs changing. Sometimes awareness and making a new choice is all it takes to do that, other times a deeper process like what I do with clients is necessary.

In the case of my mom asking a favor, I might shift my belief about what it actually means to be a good daughter: “Good daughters love their moms unconditionally whether or not they choose to do another favor to help ever again.”

4) Fear: I’ll lose the relationship (which might cost me love, support, or money).

Remedy:  It could happen. And if you’re not honest and proactive about setting this boundary, what will it be costing you in the meantime?

Sometimes we neglect to account for the personal cost of our time, energy, or money when a circumstance is left unaddressed.

When you are not in balance, this has tangible costs in many intangible areas of your life. And that can include your health, your family relationships, your mood, or even your ability to focus.

So worst case scenario, you lose the relationship because the person can’t handle you making space for yourself. 

Guess what also just happened were this to occur? 

You would’ve just freed up a whole chunk of energy and space for someone else to come into your life who will launch you forward in a more positive way that is in alignment with your highest and best good. Someone who WILL honor your boundaries and loves when you speak your truth.

Even a temporary loss makes space for something beautiful to happen. Sometimes we outgrow our relationships (even ones with family members) and that’s okay.

5) Fear: I don’t know what will happen (fear of the unknown).

Remedy: This is natural and normal in any circumstance where we feel out of control. Acknowledging that having the conversation is outside your comfort zone is a good place to start. This is totally okay. Just because you have some fear doesn’t mean you can’t do it. 

First and foremost, making sure you set yourself up to be as safe as possible on all levels when having the conversation.

For example: Choose a place where you personally feel comfortable having the conversation. A public place will often keep explosive personalities in check more than private locations. Have the conversation over the phone if this is the only way you’ll feel comfortable. 

If it’s an especially tough conversation, plan yourself some self-care after the conversation – schedule time to get a massage, a pedicure, take a bath or shower. However the person responds does not need to be something you take personally – so do something to validate and care for yourself regardless of the outcome.

Get yourself in the most positive mindset to have the conversation….the way I like to do this is by imagining that I’m connecting directly from my heart to theirs. And I envision sending universal love to the person through that channel I’ve imagined…a tube of white light…for a few minutes before we talk. 

If nothing else, this puts me in a good frame of mind to be as neutral as possible. This way I can stay focused on delivering the information I need to them to hear, staying unattached to the outcome, and taking care of myself in the process.

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Joy Evanns, the “Say NO Like a Pro” Mentor, helps women business owners improve their cash flow and find up to 40 extra hours each month by setting guilt-free boundaries. Pick up her two free How to Say NO conversation scripts and stop the time and money drain when someone asks, “Hey, I’m having this issue I’d love to pick your brain about. Can we have coffee?” Get your How to Say NO scripts now.

3 Times When Your YES Should Really Be a NO…

Today, we continue our series with Joy Evanns. She breaks down exactly how to determine when to switch that yes to a no. Be sure to get her How to Say NO scripts now.

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Have you ever said YES to something when you really didn’t want to personally or professionally?

Sometimes it’s easier just to give in and agree to a request from a family member, employee, or colleague than it is to do what you really want to do.

Why? Because in the moment, it’s easier and less uncomfortable to say YES than it is to say NO.

Yet NOT saying NO has a cost. And it’s an expensive one that can drain your time, energy, and money.

Here are 3 Times Your YES Should Really Be a NO:

1) When your YES isn’t a “HELL YES.”

Life is too short (or to long depending on how you look at it) to invite in people and experiences that you aren’t enthusiastic about. So don’t!

When you say YES out of obligation, or because you’re worried about what people will think, this also comes with a thread of resentment. This harms your relationships overall.

And because lots of things compete for your time, you need a good way to edit your choices. This one is easy. If you’re not excited to do something, at what I consider to be “HELL YES!” then instead, politely decline.

2) When you haven’t scheduled your own self-care.

It’s easy to put everyone else on your calendar first and to think that you have time to help someone else out with one more thing.  Time to put out one more fire.

But when you do this, how do you ever find time for that exercise class? That massage? That dinner with uplifiting friends? That morning meditation? Lounging on the couch with a good book? 

When you’re a busy woman, the only way to get this time is to schedule it and guard it as if it was sacred. (Because it is.)

If you haven’t scheduled some recharge time, do it before you keep saying yes to everyone else. Otherwise, there will never be enough left over for you and this inevitably leads to burn out.

3) When you feel pressured to say YES.

More likely than not, feeling pressured is an indication that you’d really like to say NO, but there might be a perceived consequence for doing so that you haven’t figured out how to avoid or navigate.

When you notice the pressure, you can then ask yourself some questions to determine the best way to proceed…

• What am I afraid of if I say NO?
• How can I acknowledge or address those fears when I say NO?
• How can I communicate my continued commitment to the relationship when I say NO?
• What is the long-term consequence for me, for my family, for my work or business of saying YES to something that really is a NO for me?

By spending a little bit of time with these questions, it becomes easier to be true to what is really a fit for you instead of bowing to the pressure you may feel.

Read Part 3, "5 Mindset Remedies for Common Fears About Saying No"

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Joy Evanns, the “Say NO Like a Pro” Mentor, helps women business owners improve their cash flow and find up to 40 extra hours each month by setting guilt-free boundaries. Pick up her two free How to Say NO conversation scripts and stop the time and money drain when someone asks, “Hey, I’m having this issue I’d love to pick your brain about. Can we have coffee?” Get your How to Say NO scripts now.

6 Tips for Saying NO with Ease

Okay -- get ready -- because this month's series on setting boundaries with special guest, Joy Evanns is going to really pack a punch. Be sure to get her How to Say NO scripts now.

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Setting boundaries and saying NO can be a challenge for any woman. 

It’s a conundrum: You want to be liked and respected and you’ve been culturally conditioned to put everyone else’s needs above your own.  And at the same time, you’d also love to enjoy life, feel in balance, and be successful in your work or business. 

To do the latter, you need to be masterful at saying NO gracefully, and be willing to say it much more often than you say YES.

Here are 6 Tips for Saying NO with Ease:

1) Start with your YES.

When you keep your big YESes, your highest priorities, in the forefront of your mind, it’s much easier to say NO to the people and things that aren’t really at the top of your list.

Remember when you say NO to something, you’re not doing it in a vacuum. 

Time is finite, so that means everything you say YES to means you’re saying NO to something else.  Is the request you’re facing something so worthwhile you’re prepared to sacrifice something else that’s important to you, your family, or your work or business? 

2) Keep it Simple.

When we have an uncomfortable conversation, often our tendency is to talk too much. When you’re saying NO, less is more. Do your best not to say any more than you need to. Why? When you keep it simple, your message can come through clearly instead of getting lost in a ton of words. You’re shooting for both tactful AND direct.

3) Keep your BUT out of it.

Anytime you use the word BUT when you set boundaries, you negate whatever came before it in the sentence. 

Consider these two NO statements:

“I’d really love to volunteer at your fundraiser BUT I have another commitment that night.”

“I’d love to help you AND I have another meeting during that time.” 

When you use the conjunction AND instead of BUT you confirm your leading positive statement instead of negating it.  In truth, you’re experiencing both at the same time in which case an AND is more appropriate anyway.

4) Change your default to NO and buy yourself time.

If you have a tendency to say YES to everything, the first thing to do is to turn your default answer to everything to NO.  Give yourself a chance to pause and consider the longer term implications before saying YES. Here’s the magic statement that will help you do that:

“If you need an answer now, my answer is NO. But if you can give me 24 hours, it’s possible I may be able to figure out how to say YES.”

5) Drop the guilt.

When you say YES to things that feel out of balance for you, you lay down a thread of resentment in that relationship. Every time you do this, another thread is added, and another. By setting boundaries when something is legitimately a NO for you, you stop yourself from doing this and actually put yourself in the position to ENHANCE your relationships. A small amount of short term discomfort for long-term gain.

6) Offer an alternative.

Often times you can’t say YES to the request you’ve been asked, but you can say YES to something else instead. Maybe you don’t want to volunteer, but you would be willing to donate $100. Maybe you don’t want to meet with someone, but you can direct them to an article you’ve written on the topic or refer them to someone who is a better fit for their needs. Just because you don’t want to say YES to what they’ve asked, doesn’t mean you aren’t happy to say YES to something else that would be helpful.

Read Part 2, "3 Times When Your Yes Should Really Be a No"

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Joy Evanns, the “Say NO Like a Pro” Mentor, helps women business owners improve their cash flow and find up to 40 extra hours each month by setting guilt-free boundaries. Pick up her two free How to Say NO conversation scripts and stop the time and money drain when someone asks, “Hey, I’m having this issue I’d love to pick your brain about. Can we have coffee?” Get your How to Say NO scripts now.

Teach Your Child Body Safety-Part 4

This week, we conclude our series on teaching a child body safety by exploring the most critical aspect -- we must believe our children!

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I cannot reinforce strongly enough how important it is to believe a child if they disclose sexual abuse. In 98% of reported child sexual abuse cases, children’s statements were found to be true (NSW Child Protection Council, Cited In Dympna House, 1998). 

Our reaction to a child’s disclosure is crucial to their ongoing well-being and healing. If we react with disbelief, they may never tell again and their suffering will only increase. If we react with shock, horror and/or anger, the child will most certainly take their cues from us, and believe that in some way they are to blame. 

It takes an enormous amount of courage for a child (or adult) to disclose sexual abuse that may have been ongoing for years. They will, no doubt, have been threatened with horrific consequences were they to tell. To find the bravery to overcome such threats, is a true act of courage. But what a child needs more than anything from the person they disclose to—be it a parent, relative, teacher or friend—is compassionate reassurance. Therefore, stay calm and reassure the child:

• you believe them
• they have done the right thing in telling
• they are incredibly brave and courageous
• they are in NO way to blame
• they are loved
• they are safe and will be looked after
• you will do everything you can to stop the abuse.

It is our responsibility and duty of care to the child, to remain calm as well as receptive and compassionate, once the child begins to disclose. If they disclose amongst a group, take the child aside and find a safe place for them to continue. A disclosure from any sexual abuse victim takes an enormous amount of courage—so please, as the trusted recipient, respond to such bravery with kindness and compassion.

Lastly, sexual abuse prevention education is not only a parent’s responsibly, it is also the community’s responsibility. Ask your child’s kindergarten or elementary school if they are running such a program. If they are not, ask why not. And PLEASE lobby for it. Remind them that sexual abuse is irreversible but it can be prevented.  

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Jayneen (aka Jay Dale) is an experienced teacher, editor, author, publisher, and most importantly a mother of three daughters and an advocate for sexual abuse prevention education (Body Safety Education) in homes and schools. Jay has written a number of books to empower children and to give them a voice including: Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept, No Means No!, Pearl Fairweather Pirate Captain and a information guide for parents and teachers entitled Body Safety Education. Jay works passionately and with ongoing commitment to ensure children are taught age-appropriate  sexual abuse prevention education.

For more information on this topic and Jay’s empowering children's books 'Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept', ‘No Means No!’ and ‘Pearl Fairweather Pirate Captain’, and her parents’ guide ‘Body Safety Education — A parents’ guide to protecting kids from sexual abuse’ go to www.educate2empower.info

All books are also available on Amazon at here.

To talk to someone about child sexual abuse or any abuse, or for support as a family member or friend to someone who has experienced sexual abuse, please go to: http://somesecrets.info/links/

Teach Your Child Body Safety-Part 3

This week, we continue our series on how to teach children body safety. In this post, Jay shares some of the key signs we can look for as indicators of abuse.

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Note: one or more of these indicators does not mean your child is being sexually abused, but if they do show some of these indicators, then there is good reason to investigate further.

General Signs of Sexual Abuse (0 to 12 years):

• overly interested in theirs or other’s genitals
• continually wants to touch private parts of other children
• instigating and/or forcing ‘sex play’ with another child (often younger, more than 3 years difference in age)
• sex play that is not appropriate, i.e. oral genital contact between a 7 year old and a 4 year old (note: with the increase in pornography viewing on the internet by young children, sex play is becoming more worrisome among similar-aged children)
• sex play with another child happening more than three times, despite careful monitoring and discussion about inappropriateness
• persistent masturbation that does not cease when told to stop
• seductive/advanced sexual behavior
• sexualized play with dolls or toys
• sexualized play involving forced penetration of objects vaginally or anally
• chronic peeping, exposing and obscenities
• touching or rubbing against the genitals of adults or children that they do not know
• persistent use of ‘dirty’ words
• describing sexual acts and sexualized behavior beyond their years
• drawings and/or games that involve inappropriate sexual activities
• strong body odor
• sores around the mouth
• bruising or bleeding in the genital area; bruising to breasts, buttocks, lower abdomen or thighs
• withdrawn and anxious behavior (irritable, clingy, listless)
• secretive or say they have a ‘special’ secret that can’t tell (this may be to gauge your reaction)
• child or child’s friend telling you about interference directly or indirectly
• going to bed fully clothed
• increase in nightmares and sleep disturbances
• regressive behavior, e.g. a return to bed-wetting or soiling
• sudden changes in behavior, e.g. from a happy child to an angry and/or defiant child
• appetite changes (sudden and significant)
• unexplained accumulation of money and gifts
• not wanting to go to a certain person’s place or to an activity
• indirectly dropping hints about the abuse (again, to gauge your reaction).

In Older Children (Adolescents):

Note: they may also display some of the above indicators

• self-destructive behavior such as drug dependency, suicide attempts, self-mutilation
• eating disorders
• adolescent pregnancy
• persistent running away from home and/or refusal to attend school
• withdrawn, angry
• saying that their body is dirty, ruin, damaged
• pornography interest; verbally sexually aggressive obscenities

If you see a constellation of these behaviors, please don't hesitate -- find support right away. http://somesecrets.info/links/

Read Part 4: Jay discusses what to do if your child discloses s/he has been abused.


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Jayneen (aka Jay Dale) is an experienced teacher, editor, author, publisher, and most importantly a mother of three daughters and an advocate for sexual abuse prevention education (Body Safety Education) in homes and schools. Jay has written a number of books to empower children and to give them a voice including: Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept, No Means No!, Pearl Fairweather Pirate Captain and a information guide for parents and teachers entitled Body Safety Education. Jay works passionately and with ongoing commitment to ensure children are taught age-appropriate  sexual abuse prevention education.

For more information on this topic and Jay’s empowering children's books 'Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept', ‘No Means No!’ and ‘Pearl Fairweather Pirate Captain’, and her parents’ guide ‘Body Safety Education — A parents’ guide to protecting kids from sexual abuse’ go to www.educate2empower.info

All books are also available on Amazon at here.

To talk to someone about child sexual abuse or any abuse, or for support as a family member or friend to someone who has experienced sexual abuse, please go to: http://somesecrets.info/links/