Teach Your Child Body Safety-Part 2

This week, we continue our series on how to teach children body safety. In this post, Jay explores a very important part of protecting our loved ones -- awareness. 

For survivors, I encourage you to think about how you can bring awareness into your day to day to prevent further abuse and/or unhealthy relationships.

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Statistics tell us that 95% of sexually abused children will know their perpetrator (Child Protection Council, 1993). They will be an immediate family member, a close family friend or some-one the child has regular contact with.

Grooming

• Be aware of any person who wishes to spend a great deal of time with your child, seeking out their company and offering to take care of them at any time. For example, an abuser will often ‘help out’ the targeted family at short notice, appearing as a reliable and trustworthy friend. This is the persona a pedophile will go to great lengths to establish.
• Be aware of any person who pays special attention to your child, making them feel more special than any other child; providing them with special treats, presents, sweets, etc. These ‘treats’ may be provided without your knowledge, and be the first of your child’s secrets they are being groomed to keep.
• Be aware of any person who spends a large percentage of their out-of-hours recreation time with children—often without other adults present or preferring to be ‘alone’ with the children.

In saying the above, of course we want our children to spend quality and loving time with the special adults in their lives. However, it is important we stay alert.

Important Things to Know About Pedophiles

• Pedophiles can be any person in the community and from any social democratic. They can be single, married and have families of their own. Up to 95% of child sexual abusers are male (Bagley, 1995).
• 1/3 of reported offenses are committed by adolescents (Bagley, 1995) and increasingly a child can be abused by another child slightly older than themselves.
• Children who live with a single parent that has a live-in partner are at the highest risk: they are 20 times more likely to be victims of sexual abuse than children living with both biological parents (Sedlack et al, 2010). However, children living with both biological parents or in foster care can be targeted.
• Pedophiles plan their abuse in detail, sometimes over years—grooming both the victim and their family by portraying the persona of a friendly, helpful and reliable person.
• Pedophiles will actively encourage the targeted child to keep secrets. The secret at first may not be of a sexual nature. These ‘fun’ secrets are intended to build up a sense that the abuser and the child have a ‘special’ relationship.
• Pedophiles convince the victim that the abuse is normal and love-based. They will use 'guilt’ and ‘blaming’ techniques to coerce the child into believing that they are an equal participant in the ‘shameful’ secret, and therefore are equally to blame. The child can be so ‘guilt ridden’ they may never disclose.
• Pedophiles use threats and bribes to ensure the child keeps the secret. ‘Keeping the secret’ is of extreme importance to the offender — if the child does tell, the consequences for the offender are catastrophic. Therefore, they will use whatever means they can to ensure the child never tells. This includes subtly discrediting the child by making them out to be a liar—so if they ever do disclose, they won’t be believed.

By raising our awareness about the strategies abusers use, we can better identify behaviors and warning signs that our children are at risk.

A Note from Rachel:
I often hear parents say, "I had a feeling something was wrong, but I didn't want to accuse him. I thought maybe I was blowing things out of proportion." What I want you to know is that, if you have have a feeling/thought that something is wrong -- trust it! It's often hard for parents, especially parents who have been abused, to trust themselves. But I say, better to hurt someone's feelings, rock the boat, and be wrong, then to be right and leave your child at risk by doing nothing.

If you are a parent who sensed something was wrong and later discovered your child was being abused, please don't blame yourselves. As you can see from Jay's article, abusers work very hard to conceal what they are doing. Focus on what you can do today to care of and support your little one rather than the "should have's".

Go here to read Part 3: Jay discusses how to recognize the signs of abuse.


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Jayneen (aka Jay Dale) is an experienced teacher, editor, author, publisher, and most importantly a mother of three daughters and an advocate for sexual abuse prevention education (Body Safety Education) in homes and schools. Jay has written a number of books to empower children and to give them a voice including: Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept, No Means No!, Pearl Fairweather Pirate Captain and a information guide for parents and teachers entitled Body Safety Education. Jay works passionately and with ongoing commitment to ensure children are taught age-appropriate  sexual abuse prevention education.

For more information on this topic and Jay’s empowering children's books 'Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept', ‘No Means No!’ and ‘Pearl Fairweather Pirate Captain’, and her parents’ guide ‘Body Safety Education — A parents’ guide to protecting kids from sexual abuse’ go to www.educate2empower.info

All books are also available on Amazon at here.

To talk to someone about child sexual abuse or any abuse, or for support as a family member or friend to someone who has experienced sexual abuse, please go to: http://somesecrets.info/links/

Teach Your Child Body Safety-Part 1

This week, we begin a very important series from author, Jayneen Sanders on how to teach children to protect themselves from abuse. When I reached out to Jay, I had in mind that I wanted to provide something for the parents in my community who want more than anything to protect their children from going through abuse as they had. This has been coming up a lot in my work with my clients, so I was very excited that Jay agreed to do this series. 

One thing I realized as we got into the writing was that a lot of what she shares can also be used by adult survivors who didn't get to learn these lessons and, in doing so, could learn to protect themselves today from further abuse!

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The statistics on the sexual abuse of children are staggering. Some estimates place the incidence as high as 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthday (Aust. Institute of Criminology, 1993).  And for many parents reading this text you may have experienced childhood sexual abuse yourself. 

Knowing how to reduce the risk for your child will no doubt be paramount. As survivors, parents, teachers and community members, what can we do to ensure both our children and the children we come in contact with are protected, informed and safe? These 4 key points are crucial.

1. Education

Learn how to protect your child from sexual abuse by educating them in Body Safety, and educating yourself and your community.

2. Awareness

Become aware of the statistics surrounding child sexual abuse and grooming techniques used by pedophiles. 

3. Know the Signs

Understand and recognize the signs of child sexual abuse.

4. Believe a Child

Believe a child when they disclosure sexual abuse—it is paramount for their future recovery and healing.

Please note for survivors of sexual abuse some of these points may be triggers. Please ensure you have your support person or network close by that you can call upon. 

Today we are going to look at the first one: Education.

The most vulnerable age for children to be exposed to sexual abuse is between 3 and 8 years with the majority of onset happening between these ages (Browne & Lynch, 1994). We teach road safety and we teach water safety—it is imperative we teach children Body Safety. 

If you are concerned about teaching your child these skills, just keep in mind they are age-appropriate, non-graphic, and they also encourage your child to be assertive—a crucial skill in any bullying/abuse situation, and a great attribute to have when your child becomes a teenager!

#1

As soon as your child begins to talk and is aware of their body parts, begin to name them correctly, e.g. toes, nose, eyes, etc. Children should also know the correct names for their genitals from a young age. Try not to use ‘pet names’. This way, if a child is touched inappropriately, they can clearly state to you or a trusted adult where they have been touched.

#2

Teach your child about body boundaries and personal space. Use the idea of a ‘bubble’ around them and refer to this as their own personal space. Read ‘No Means No!’ and use the Discussion Questions to talk about consent and respecting each other’s personal space. Go to www.somesecrets.info for more information.

#3

Teach your child that their penis, vagina, bottom (buttocks), breasts and nipples are called their ‘private parts’ and that these are their body parts that go under their swimsuit. Note: a child’s mouth is also known as a ‘private zone’.

#4

Teach your child that no-one has the right to touch or ask to see their private parts; and if someone does, they must tell you or a trusted adult straightaway. Reinforce that they must keep on telling until they are believed. Statistics tell us that a child will need to tell three people before they are believed. As your child becomes older (3+) help them to identify five people they could tell. These people are part of their ‘Safety Network’. Note: one person should not be a family member.

#5

Teach your child that if someone (i.e. the perpetrator) shows them images of private parts, asks them to touch their own private parts and/or shows their private parts to the child that this is wrong also, and that they must tell a trusted adult straightaway. Reinforce that they must keep on telling until they are believed. 

#6

At the same time as you are discussing inappropriate touch, talk about feelings. Discuss what it feels like to be happy, sad, angry, excited, etc. Encourage your child in daily activities to talk about their feelings, e.g. "I felt really sad when … pushed me over." This way your child will be more able to verbalize how they are feeling if someone does touch them inappropriately.

#7

Talk with your child about feeling ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’. Discuss times when your child might feel ‘unsafe’, e.g. being pushed down a steep slide; or ‘safe’, e.g. snuggled up on the couch reading a book with you. Children need to understand the different emotions that come with feeling ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’. For example, when feeling ‘safe’, they may feel happy and have a warm feeling inside; when feeling ‘unsafe’ they may feel scared and have a sick feeling in their tummy.

#8

Discuss with your child their ‘Early Warning Signs’ when feeling unsafe, i.e. heart racing, feeling sick in the tummy, sweaty palms, feeling like crying. Let them come up with some ideas of their own. Tell your child that they must tell you if any of their ‘Early Warning Signs’ happen in any situation. Reinforce that you will always believe them and that they can tell you anything. You will find and Early Warning Signs poster at www.somesecrets.info/posters/ 

#9

As your child grows, try as much as possible to discourage the keeping of secrets. (Perpetrators rely heavily on children keeping secrets.) Talk about happy surprises such as not telling Grandma about her surprise birthday party and ‘bad’ secrets such as someone touching your private parts. Make sure your child knows that if someone does ask them to keep an inappropriate secret that they must tell you or someone in their 'Safety Network' straightaway.

#10

Discuss with your child when it is appropriate for someone to touch their private parts, e.g. a doctor when they are sick (but making sure they know you must be in the room). Discuss with your child that if someone does touch their private parts (without you there) that they have the right to say: ‘No!’ or ‘Stop!’ and outstretch their arm and hand. Children (from a very young age) need to know their body is their body and no-one has the right to touch it inappropriately.

#11

Read your child 'Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept' on a monthly to bi-monthly basis when your child is young. The book can be read and reread to children 3 to 12 years. It is also ideal to read before camps, sleepovers, etc. Go to www.somesecrets.info for more information. Also teach your child 'The Body Safety Song' at http://somesecrets.info/body-safety-song/ and download free Body Safety posters for display at www.somesecrets.info/posters/.

GO HERE to read Part 2, when Jay discusses "Awareness".



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Jayneen (aka Jay Dale) is an experienced teacher, editor, author, publisher, and most importantly a mother of three daughters and an advocate for sexual abuse prevention education (Body Safety Education) in homes and schools. Jay has written a number of books to empower children and to give them a voice including: Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept, No Means No!, Pearl Fairweather Pirate Captain and a information guide for parents and teachers entitled Body Safety Education. Jay works passionately and with ongoing commitment to ensure children are taught age-appropriate  sexual abuse prevention education.

For more information on this topic and Jay’s empowering children's books 'Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept', ‘No Means No!’ and ‘Pearl Fairweather Pirate Captain’, and her parents’ guide ‘Body Safety Education — A parents’ guide to protecting kids from sexual abuse’ go to www.educate2empower.info

All books are also available on Amazon at here.

To talk to someone about child sexual abuse or any abuse, or for support as a family member or friend to someone who has experienced sexual abuse, please go to: http://somesecrets.info/links/

A Beyond Survivor Shares Her Story

I'd like to to introduce you today to Ockemia, who became a Beyond Survivor in 2015. She shares with you a bit about her journey and what she gained from our time working together.



"To revisit something as traumatic as abuse can be frightening upfront, but it's certainly worth the healing that's going to come out on the other end."

You can learn more about my Beyond Surviving program here, but more importantly, leave a comment for Ockemia letting her know what you got from her story.

Making Sense of Codependency - Part 4

Today we conclude our series on codependency with Dana Zarcone, who shares with us the Four Stages of Codependency Recovery.

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Hello! I’m happy to be here to round out my series about codependency. 

Over the past few weeks, we’ve clarified what codependency is (and is not), how and why you can become codependent and how to identify core issues and when you might be triggered. Today, I’m going to speak directly to the recovery process. 

There are four (4) primary stages that you go through as you move from codependent to independent and we’ll review each of them in a bit of detail. 

Four Stages of Codependency Recovery

• Stage 1: Acknowledgement and Preparation
• Stage 2: Acceptance and Reassessment
• Stage 3: Adjustment and Planning
• Stage 4: Action and Consistency

Stage 1: Acknowledgement and Preparation

In this first stage of recovery, you’re in a place where you’re most likely anesthetizing and you’re suffering with anxiety, depression or some other disorder. In this stage, boundaries are good because the goal will be to avoid situations and people that aren’t in your best interest. For example, you’ll be enticed to use, drink, eat, abuse, lash out or whatever other method you use to make you feel good.  

The goal in this stage is to acknowledge that you have a problem that you cover up with some form of anesthesia, and start building a plan to wean off, or discontinue your “anesthesia of choice” all together. You can’t deal with your shit unless you’re in your right mind!  If you’re “using” to reduce stress, ease the pain or make yourself feel better … it needs to stop. 

Stage 2: Acceptance and Reassessment

In this stage, boundaries are still important. However, you’ll start to identify and accept where you’ve been wounded, how that’s impacted your core issues and where projective identification is present in your relationships. 

The goal is to explore what kind of wounding you experienced while growing up in a dysfunctional, unhealthy, or perhaps, abusive family environment.  This is the stage where we take a long hard look at the wounding that occurred and how it manifests in your life – which leads to the codependency. 

It’s important to note that the codependency is developed in your childhood and gains strength as you become an adult. It co-exists with other disorders such as addictions, depression, anxiety, etc. That said, the codependency is the biggest culprit which has a tendency to lead to the other disorders. 

In this stage, you’ll focus on abstaining from addictions, compulsions, etc. and address the underlying wounding which caused the codependency. 

In this stage, as a Core Energetic Practitioner, we explore what we call the three layers of self. These three layers were formed and exist as a survival technique as a result of being wounded. Think of it like layers of an onion. On the outside layer, the one we present to the world, is our mask. It is our first line of defense and might be presented as confusion, perfection, numbness, untouchable, loveable, friendly, helpful, etc. It’s a nebulous first layer that we need to get past so that we can begin the real recovery process. 

Underneath the mask is the lower self, or as Jung called it ... the “shadow self”.  It’s the layer that protects our true, higher self at all costs. It’s the toughest layer to penetrate because it’s the part of you that’s full of disowned rage, anger, shame, fear, and longing, etc. This is the part of you that refuses to feel, so you develop addictions, act out, display compulsive behavior and tend to cause drama.

As the saying goes … what you resist persists!  So, when you’re refusing to feel these so-called “bad” feelings they’ll show up in covert ways. They’ll wreak havoc on your life, cause drama in your relationships and result in separation from self and others.  

This is the layer where the codependent self is hanging on for dear life! Because you unconsciously feel if you let all of it go, you’ll be annihilated somehow … you’ll die. Of course, when you face these demons head on, you ultimately learn that you aren’t annihilated, nor do you die. In fact, you actually break free from the proverbial chains that have bound you for years.  

Trust me! It will feel amazing!

In the center of all of this is the Higher Self, or True Self.  This is the place where true recovery and your true identify lives. It is in this place where you’re finally able to feel the pain and suffering that you have been avoiding such as shame, fear, sadness, and longing.  

You reach the Higher Self by identifying and penetrating your mask and expressing your lower self. This is done by addressing all of your “unfinished business”. Only then can you truly connect to who you are and begin to heal! 

Stage 3: Adjustment and Planning

In this stage, you have begun to better understand, and grapple with, your demons. You’ve connected to the part of you that truly wants to heal and reclaim your personal power. In doing so, you’re able to seek out professional help. You’re able to recruit a guide that will join you on your journey so that you can feel safe and fully supported as you begin to heal, reassess and make adjustments. 

It’s important to mention that rarely can you overcome codependency without the help of a professional because it requires that you do some pretty deep work. Getting the support and help you need is not a sign of weakness. Quite the contrary in fact because it takes courage, strength and self-love to see that you get the help that you need.  When you ask for help, you’re doing from your Higher Self. 

Stage 4: Action and Consistency

This is the sustainable stage where you have established a new “baseline” and laid a new foundation for yourself from which to build upon. When you’re in this stage, you’re living your life more connected to your higher self and to spirit. 

It’s worth saying that being connected to your higher self and spirit doesn’t mean that you’re  ”happy go-lucky” all the time. It simply means that you’re willing and capable of standing in your truth, live in the moment, surrender to your feelings and love yourself unconditionally.

It means you’re now strong, courageous and independent!  You’re no longer organizing your life around pleasing others. Instead, you’re living your life with honor and integrity and in connection to who you really are. 

How long it takes you to move from one stage to another really depends on you!  No matter how long it takes you, move forward on your journey with self-compassion, kindness and love. Enjoy the adventure, without judgement, and know that it will lead to a more satisfying, happy, fulfilling life!

Thanks so much for reading this series! I am genuinely wishing you all the best and hope that you’re able to Source Your Joy and Dance with Life Again! 

If you’re interested in exploring this further, or doing some other personal transformation work, with me feel free to contact me via the links below! 

Joyously Yours,

Dana 

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Dana, the CEO and Founder of Source Your Joy, is known as a revolutionist in the personal development industry. She is passionate about helping her clients recover from depression, codependency, abuse, and anxiety. She’s a driving force in helping clients reclaim their personal power, unlock their greatest potential, and dance with life again. Dana has been working with clients for over 13 years. She has her M.S. in Psychotherapy and is a National Certified Counselor, Certified Energetic Practitioner and Certified Life Coach.

If you think you might be suffering with depression you can take her depression test to find out once and for all.

Making Sense of Codependency - Part 3

Today we continue our series on codependency with Dana Zarcone, who shares with us how to identify core issues that are showing up in our relationships, move them from unconscious to conscious, and thereby create the opportunity to "deal with our shit."

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Over the past two weeks, I’ve clarified what codependency really is and discussed how people become codependent. As we’ve discussed, codependency is commonly misunderstood. It carries such a negative stigma with it as well. If you’re codependent, you must be broken, weak, a loser … the list goes on and on. However, all of this is just hogwash. These are beliefs that people hold because, frankly, they don’t understand codependency.  

As we move forward, I want to make it clear that, if you’re codependent, there is nothing wrong with you. It simply means that you experienced chronic disconnections, trauma or wounding in your early formative years. As a result, you’ve organized yourself in a way that would improve your chances of being loved. By healing the pain that you experienced, and have since repressed, you’ll be able to shift from being codependent to being independent.

You’ll be able to reclaim your personal power! 

Projective Identification

In a codependent relationship, there are unhealthy interactions that lead to unhealthy boundaries. The unhealthy interactions are largely unconscious and manifest through projective identification. Understanding if this exists in your relationship is the first step towards bringing your “stuff” into consciousness. When you do, you are beginning to empower yourself in honor of your recovery process. 

So what is projective identification? 

This is a very complex concept but I’ll attempt to describe it with a simple definition. 

“When a person disowns their repressed feelings and denies their true self, but covertly acts out the disowned and repressed parts and blames the other person.”

In non-politically correct terms, it means you haven’t dealt with your shit and it eventually rears its ugly head by causing havoc in your relationship. Yet, instead of taking responsibility, you blame the other person for what you thought, felt or how you acted. 

In essence, your shit is a filter that affects how you relate to other people. 

Keep in mind, all of this is unconscious to both parties of the relationship.  It’s the subtle way we defend ourselves from feeling deep emotional pain. 

The Core Issues

The deep emotional pain I talk about is the result of the wounding you experienced and, from that, you have core issues. These core issues will show up in your life over and over again until you have healed the original wound.  

Some of the core issues are as follows:

• Fear of being abandoned
• Needing to be in control 
• All or none thinking
• Difficulty trusting
• Low self-esteem
• Sense of shame
• Neglecting your own needs
• Difficulty to give or receive love
• Difficulty resolving conflict 
• High tolerance for inappropriate behavior

These issues show up as conflicts in our relationships, “hints” in our activities (what we read, the music we hear), in the feedback we get from others and through our own insight.

In order to begin the recovery process, it’s important to recognize and identify that a core issue has shown up, questioning what it’s really about, taking responsibility and let it go. 

One of the most common issues I see is low self-esteem. It seems to be the initial issue that triggers a lot of the other issues. If you have low self-esteem, you may be more fearful that you will be abandoned. As a result, you’ll have a greater need to be in control, you’ll have trouble trusting the other person and you’ll tolerate inappropriate behavior so they won’t leave you. 

Connecting the Dots

When you have these core issues, they manifest in your life by way of projective identification. 

Let’s look at a simply example.

Suppose Lori unconsciously carries shame and feels inadequate. When her employee, John, makes a mistake she projects her shame onto him by scolding him instead of helping or supporting him. John has unconscious shame of his own so, instead of defending himself, he just sits there and takes it. John wants to be accepted so he admits his mistakes when they happen. This absolves Lori of any responsibility. As such, she continues to scold John repeatedly, without objection by John. 

Can you see how core issues and projective identification can manifest in your life? 

In this example, Lori and John continue to disown one of their core issues, shame, and they develop a very destructive working relationship. All of this is unconscious. 

Bringing the Unconscious Conscious

I’ve mentioned this several times: the majority of our issues are the result of unhealed wounds and unresolved feelings that are largely unconscious. So, it would be safe to assume that by bringing the unconscious into consciousness you can begin to heal and start the recovery process. Yes, my friend, it’s time to deal with your unfinished business. 

Dealing with your unfinished business, and bring it into consciousness, is critical to developing healthy boundaries and happy relationships. The more you practice doing this, the easier it gets over time. In fact, you’ll get much better at processing things in the moment so as to facilitate your own personal growth and establish healthy interactions, boundaries and relationships. 

When you’re in an unhealthy relationship you’re approaching life from your false, wounded self and you won’t accept responsibility for your unhealed stuff.  As a result, you’ll have unhealthy boundaries. Conversely, when there is a healthy relationship, you’re approaching life from your higher self, your true self, and you have full awareness of, and accept responsibility for, your unhealed stuff. As a result, you’ll have healthy boundaries. 

Recognizing Your Unconscious Stuff 

Admittedly, it can be difficult to figure out when your unconscious stuff is at play. However, there are several ways you can detect this. 

1) Disproportionate Reactions

When you have a reaction to something that is out of proportion with the situation at hand. For example, your partner questions a decision you just made and you react by screaming, yelling, slamming doors or leaving the room. When you were questioned, it triggered an unhealed wound from the past that, most likely included some type of boundary invasion. 

When the original pain wasn’t expressed, it goes into your unconscious and, over time, it will resurface by way of patterns in your life. 

2) Experience Age Regression

When you feel upset, scared or confused for apparently no reason, you may be triggered and, therefore, regress. It as if you’re an adult one minute and the next minute you’re a helpless little child. When this happens, your boundaries have been invaded and the experience you had reminded you of something from your past. 

3) Experiencing an Abreaction

An abreaction is when your reaction to an experience builds so much that you become overwhelmed with emotion and your feelings begin to pour out. 

Suppose someone makes a pass at you and you immediately start to cry. After some exploration you realized that the way he approached you reminded you of being sexually abused by your uncle. So, in that instant you immediately felt terror and immense sadness. 

An abreaction is an extreme, intense version of age regression.

Summary

It is so critical to heal your wounds, hurts and past trauma so that you can approach life from your higher self and develop and maintain healthy boundaries and relationships. Until you heal, you will approach life from your false self, conflict and drama will rule your life and you will be unable to have a loving, fulfilling relationship with yourself or others. 

To begin the healing process, there are steps that you can follow that will take you through the various stages of recovery. I’ll talk about those next week, rounding out my series about codependency. 

Until next week … 

Joyously yours, 

Dana

Read Part 4 of "Making Sense of Codependency"

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Dana, the CEO and Founder of Source Your Joy, is known as a revolutionist in the personal development industry. She is passionate about helping her clients recover from depression, codependency, abuse, and anxiety. She’s a driving force in helping clients reclaim their personal power, unlock their greatest potential, and dance with life again. Dana has been working with clients for over 13 years. She has her M.S. in Psychotherapy and is a National Certified Counselor, Certified Energetic Practitioner and Certified Life Coach.

If you think you might be suffering with depression you can take her depression test to find out once and for all.