2 Ways to Make Healing Easier

This week, Rick concludes his series by sharing the two things he did that made healing so so much easier. It's probably not what you think it is!

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The following is adapted from Resilient People, Rick's inspiring story of his journey through the recovery process.

For many survivors of abuse, healing is difficult because it means confronting your trauma. I know I didn’t want to look inside at the abuse I suffered as a child, so I can understand the fear people have that they might discover something horrible.

Quite frankly, you probably will discover something horrible. Abuse is horrible!

The healing trajectory is challenging, because it involves bringing up repressed memories that were repressed for a reason: it’s how we survived as children.

Some people start this road to healing but then run away. They choose the bottle, or drugs, or illicit relationships. In my own healing process, there were many times I wanted to bail out. My attitude was, “Screw this. I’m going to keep drinking and numbing. I’ve made it this far." But you know what? It wasn't a great life.

That’s why a commitment to healing is important. If you want to be successful in your healing, you must make a personal commitment to see the journey through.

Yes, healing can be difficult. But I want to make you a promise: if you were abused—no matter what happened, no matter how horrific—I want you to know you can heal. You can live a fabulous, productive, joyful life and fulfill your dreams. In this article, I’ll show you two keys that will set you up to succeed as you start down this road to healing.

#1: Community Is Key

If and when you hit a wall in your healing, you may conclude that you just can't go any further. That's where empathy, support, and love from others is crucial.

Encouraging voices around you—especially from those that have been through a similar process—will tell you that you are doing it. When you’ve hit a painful point, they’ll remind you that you can move through the pain. Beyond that, there will be joy.

If you can find loving and empathetic people to coach you through the process, you will come to understand that the experience of abuse was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It's the caregiver’s responsibility to protect the child, no matter what.

The group I chose to share my story with at ManKind Project made me realize I wasn't alone. For so long, I had tried to look and act normal, believing all the time that I was the opposite of normal. I’d never talked about my experience with abuse.

In ManKind I listened to other men’s stories of abuse and saw them listen to my story with understanding. Suddenly, I wasn’t isolated anymore. I could be myself.

I can’t say how powerful that was, to realize I wasn’t alone.

The community I found at ManKind meetings held me accountable to the goals and commitments I’d made. When I broke a commitment, they would ask me, “So what was more important than the agreement?” We’d explore that. What was the impact of that decision, on me, on my loved ones? That was a challenging but loving process.

Sometimes, I would have to say, “Guys, I can’t do any more tonight. I’m exhausted.” There was no criticism in those moments—but I still had to return to the work the following week. These friends were determined to see me through the low points until I was living a full and productive life. They cared that much about me and my healing.

There’s wonder and beauty in a community of people committed to healing. It’s magic. However, don’t be discouraged if you don’t find this empathetic community right away. It took me years before I found my friends at ManKind Project. It also may take you some time to find a safe, empathetic community—but keep looking until you find it.

It’s critical to find the right place to share your story.

#2: Surrender to the Unknown

When you begin this process, there’s an unknown; you’re not exactly sure what happened or what you’ll find. Moving forward into that unknown can be frightening.

Abuse survivors spend most of their lives trying to control. We controlled our emotions, our thoughts, and everything else. Maintaining control is how we stayed alive.

Unfortunately, those habits of control also left a lot of us messed up. We repressed, buried, self-sabotaged, and brought dysfunction into our relationships.

Healing requires letting go of some of those bad habits, so that we can replace them with healthy choices and positive truths. There’s a surrender involved.

For me, that meant surrendering to a higher power. For others, that simply means you surrender to the process. If you choose to work with a therapist or a group like ManKind Project, you will have to choose to follow their recommended process towards healing.

In ManKind, that meant agreeing to confidentiality, going on the Warrior Weekend, allowing the other men to check-in with me and hold me accountable, and showing up to meetings. Twelve-step programs also have their own process.

Once you find a safe, empathetic environment where you can pursue healing, let your walls come down. Allow yourself to move towards the unknown.

Surrender control, so that you can heal and ultimately live a joyful life.

For more advice on healing from abuse, you can find Resilient People on Amazon.

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Rick Huttner is a survivor of physical and sexual abuse who now works passionately to spread the message that all abuse survivors can heal. His own healing process began after decades of alcohol abuse, dysfunctional relationships, and a volatile career—all of which were influenced by the buried pain of his childhood trauma. Finally unburdened by his past, Rick now lives a joyful, productive, loving life. He founded the Resilient People initiative to help other abuse survivors, and he regularly shares his story at speaking engagements and abuse-awareness workshops. He can be booked through his website, www.resilientpeople.us.

The Critical First Step to Heal from Abuse

This week, Rick shares about his experience being totally stuck and convinced he'd never heal and the most critical first step he took that changed everything.

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The following is adapted from Resilient People, Rick's inspiring story of his journey through the recovery process.

When you’re an abuse survivor, healing can seem like some far-away dream that’s possible for others, but not for you. For so long, I believed I would never heal.

In fact, I didn’t even have “healing” as a concept in my mind. I thought, “This is the way I am, and this is the way I’ll always be.” When my self-destructive lifestyle finally took me to rock bottom, I had to conclude that something was not right. The pain got so severe that my choices seemed to be either suicide or do something very, very different.

Here’s what I discovered in that lowly place: the only obstacle to healing—both yours and mine— is the mind. I believed that I was stuck, and so I remained stuck.

People who have experienced abuse may have a mentality that expects the worst. I know I did. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop—and it always did.

Your life can move in a better direction when you shift that mindset to one of resiliency and tell yourself, “I can and will heal. I don't know how, but I will begin this journey.”

That was the critical first step: opening myself up to the idea that I could be healed.

When I did that, positive messages and strategies started coming in my direction, and for once, I didn’t reject them. Instead, I started to listen closely and bring them in.

When you make a commitment to heal, you open yourself up to good gifts from within. Instead of saying, “This is horrible,” you look around and say, “This is beautiful.”

Your heart becomes more open to acts of kindness and compassion. That sets you up for a wonderful exchange, because when you extend kindness, you experience kindness in return. More and more good will begin to flow towards you.

This is a choice you must make; you must genuinely commit yourself to do the hard work of healing. However, it’s not a choice you need to make alone.

Deep inside each one of us, there is a spark that will always be connected to goodness and truth. Some people call this the Holy Spirit; some people call it a Divine Presence; some people recognize the spark simply as an innate desire to heal and love.

It is this spark which makes us resilient, which makes it possible for us to heal.

There’s the story of a Rwandan orphan, Justus Uwayesu, who lived in a garbage dump in Kigali. He scrounged for food and slept with three other children in a burned-out car.

When he encountered an aid worker at age nine, he hadn’t bathed for a year. The other children she approached scattered, but Justus stood his ground and told her he wanted to go to school. She was able to help him. Years later, his story was published in The New York Times after he got a full-tuition scholarship to attend Harvard. The Times wrote, “He is an example of the potential buried even in humanity’s most hopeless haunts, and a sobering reminder of how seldom it is mined.”

That’s resilience. Your mind may dwell in the equivalent of a garbage dump. That’s certainly where mine used to be, but it doesn’t have to stay there. This young boy Justus listened to the spark inside of him—the spark of hope and of his potential.

That spark is always waiting for us to listen. When we do, it becomes possible to relearn the truth of who we are: we were created by a bountiful and giving Divine presence, and we each carry the Divine within us. When I began to listen to that spark, I was able to wake up to wonder and beauty. It had always surrounded me, but I’d never seen it.

Listen to that spark: you have the power within you to heal. You did nothing wrong. You were innocent. You were a loving, beautiful, trusting child. That trust was shattered, and that was not your fault. Know that you are resilient, and that you have the power to heal.

Maybe that feels hard to believe. I’ve listened to plenty of people who don't know there's a way out—but that’s why I want to share my story with you. I came from horrible abuse, yet I healed. I'm now living a productive life in a fabulous relationship. Rather than expecting bad to flood my way, I expect good things. A sign hanging in my office reads, “Nothing without joy.” It reminds me that it is my divine right to have joy in my life.

Of course, it took me a long time before I believed that. But I got there, and so can you.

For more advice on healing from abuse, you can find Resilient People on Amazon.

Read Part 4: 2 Ways to Make Healing Easier

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Rick Huttner is a survivor of physical and sexual abuse who now works passionately to spread the message that all abuse survivors can heal. His own healing process began after decades of alcohol abuse, dysfunctional relationships, and a volatile career—all of which were influenced by the buried pain of his childhood trauma. Finally unburdened by his past, Rick now lives a joyful, productive, loving life. He founded the Resilient People initiative to help other abuse survivors, and he regularly shares his story at speaking engagements and abuse-awareness workshops. He can be booked through his website, www.resilientpeople.us.

The 3 Phases of Healing from Abuse

This week, Rick explores some of the phases that often characterize a journey from abuse towards healing.

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The following is adapted from Resilient People, Rick's inspiring story of his journey through the recovery process. 

As an abuse survivor, I can tell you this for sure: there’s no magical plan that, if you follow all the steps, will lead to total healing. No person’s healing process is the same. It’s a complex journey that can’t be simplified like that. However, there are certain phases that often characterize a journey from abuse towards healing.

The organization Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) identifies three general phases of the healing journey: Remembering, Mourning, and Healing. I prefer to think of those phases as “Awareness, Understanding, and Recovery.” Regardless of what words you use, these phases outline a trajectory that often occurs.

You can think of these phases as a map to help you move forward in your healing journey. The route you take and the scenery you discover will be unique to you, but knowing these phases may help you plot a route to your desired destination.

One thing I will tell you: your healing trajectory can begin the moment you decide you want to be healed. With that said, let’s jump into the first phase.

Phase 1: Remembering/Awareness

If you want to heal, you first have to recognize that the abuse happened. For myself and others, that’s no easy thing. This stage is often said to be the most difficult.

Memories of abuse may be driven deep into the subconscious mind, and it’s going to take time and work to bring those wounds into conscious awareness. Until they are, a person may experience repeated failed relationships, addictions, or other destructive patterns of behavior. That’s how my life played out before I started this phase.  

So what forces us awake? Often, we have to be triggered by a “rock bottom” experience before we’re ready to face the pain in our past. The ASCA calls this “a breakthrough crisis,” which is a helpful way of thinking about it: yes, it’s a crisis—but it’s going to help lead you to a breakthrough. That crisis might be going to jail, or getting divorced, or suffering a financial failure. Abuse survivors may require a significant wake-up call before they’re ready to figure out why they keep sabotaging themselves.

At that point, a person might be willing to dig up some of the buried memories.

You can’t heal if you keep running from the pain; you have to make the choice to face it. How you do so is up to you, and what comes next will be unique for everyone. But you’ve got to start with making yourself aware that it happened. Once you acknowledge your experience of abuse to yourself and someone else—then, healing can begin.

Phase 2: Mourning/Understanding

Maybe you’ve finally become aware of the abuse in your past, or maybe you’ve always known it was there. It’s possible that your memories of abuse have always been right in the forefront of your mind. The next phase abuse survivors usually experience in a healing trajectory is understanding. You acknowledge that it happened, then take steps to understand the knowledge of the abuse and the ways it impacts you now.

Imagine a female college student got drunk at a party and then was sexually assaulted. There will be layers of that experience that she’ll need to try to understand.

She may struggle with numerous questions about even her own actions: “Why did I go to the party? Why did I drink? Was that stupid? Am I to blame?”

The short answer to that last question is always no. However, it often takes a long time for an abuse survivor to understand this. A survivor may need help from a therapist or mentor to work through the complex feelings associated with abuse.

She’ll also need to sort through her emotions about the perpetrators. She might be feeling anger, fear, desire for justice, or any number of emotions.

What was her experience after the assault? Did she conceal it? How did that affect her relationships? Did she try to report it? How did people respond? Was she made to feel victimized again? All of these complications need to be addressed (with professional help, if possible) before the survivor reaches a freeing level of understanding.

This second phase of healing involves more than just understanding the knowledge about the abuse itself; it also involves understanding how the abuse continues to affect you. The ASCA calls this stage “Mourning,” because there’s tremendous sadness in recognizing all the aspects of life that were stolen from you by abuse.

Facing the trauma and pain is not easy. However, pursuing understanding is an important phase most people need to experience in the healing trajectory.

Phase 3: Healing/Recovery

The third phase in the healing trajectory is exactly that: healing! You won’t get there by making the mistake I did for so long—you can’t look outside of yourself to be healed.

You have to look inside to be healed. It’s a challenging thing to do, but on the other side of the long journey, you will be free. You can live a joyful, productive, fulfilling life. You will no longer be burdened by the negative thoughts that hold you back. You can embrace each day, and expect good to flow your way, rather than bad.

You will also be a more compassionate, loving human being. Read these statements from the ASCA about what healing can look like, in this third phase. These sentences describe profound liberty and beauty. I can relate to each of these statements—this is the kind of freedom that awaits you on the other side of facing your pain.

I am entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches.

I am strengthening the healthy parts of myself, adding to my self-esteem.

I can make necessary changes in my behavior and relationships at home and work.

I have resolved the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me.

I hold my own meaning about the abuse that releases me from the legacy of the past.

I see myself as a thriver in all aspects of life - love, work, parenting, and play.

I am resolved in the reunion of my new self and eternal soul.

What an incredibly beautiful experience to be living out that healed reality. The journey isn’t easy, and I can’t promise what it will look like for you. But having started this journey myself, I can tell with you certainty that the effort is absolutely worth it.

For more advice on healing from abuse, you can find Resilient People on Amazon.

Read Part 3: The Critical First Step to Heal from Abuse

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Rick Huttner is a survivor of physical and sexual abuse who now works passionately to spread the message that all abuse survivors can heal. His own healing process began after decades of alcohol abuse, dysfunctional relationships, and a volatile career—all of which were influenced by the buried pain of his childhood trauma. Finally unburdened by his past, Rick now lives a joyful, productive, loving life. He founded the Resilient People initiative to help other abuse survivors, and he regularly shares his story at speaking engagements and abuse-awareness workshops. He can be booked through his website, www.resilientpeople.us.

The Financial and Emotional Cost of Abuse are Absolutely Staggering

This week, I introduce you to Rick Huttner, author and activist. When Rick reached out to share about his organization, Resilient People, and his new book, I just knew I had to have him on as a guest blogger. In this first post, Rick explores the financial and emotional costs of abuse, and also offers some words of hope for those who are wondering if they are ever going to heal.

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The following is adapted from Resilient People, Rick's inspiring story of his journey through the recovery process. 

I want to share a staggering statistic with you.

We all know child abuse comes with a heavy emotional toll, but the financial cost of abuse is just as burdensome, estimated to cost the US $124 billion annually.

That number reflected 2008 statistics. Given the rate of inflation and how prevalent abuse is in our society, it’s sickening to think how high that number is today.

As an abuse survivor myself, these numbers are personal to me. But there’s also the emotional cost to survivors, which doesn’t always add up to dollars and cents.

In this article, we’ll look at both sides of the ledger. Let’s start on the financial side.

The Financial Cost of Abuse

There are two main components of the $124 billion cost: crime and healthcare.

The American SPCC notes that abused children are approximately nine times more likely to get involved in criminal behavior than children who weren’t abused. The website also notes, “14% of all men in prison and 36% of women in prison in the USA were abused as children, about twice the frequency seen in the general population.”

Abuse victims also experience more social differences, which can make them feel isolated and angry. They have a higher rate of continuing abusive behaviors, which continues a cycle of violence and crime. This is a cycle that’s hard to escape.

Abuse also leads to higher medical costs, in the short term and long term. It’s easy enough to imagine healthcare needs for a child who’s been brought to the ER after being hit—but that’s only the beginning. Drug use causes no end to medical needs, and drugs share an unfortunate connection with abuse, both among abusers and victims.

The American SPCC says that cases of neglect have ballooned with the opioid crisis. Children who are exposed to drugs like opioids in utero are more likely to have behavioral issues and learning deficits, which creates added costs for healthcare, early intervention, and social work. Also, think of the high costs of a drug rehabilitation program—a 30 day program can cost anywhere from $6,000 to $20,000.

And what issue is at the root of two-thirds of people who are in drug rehab? Abuse. As I experienced, abuse survivors often turn to self-medicating to dull the pain.

In addition to more alcoholism and drug addiction, abuse survivors have poorer physical health in general, compared to people who weren’t abused. Abuse survivors are much riskier in their sexual health as well. Abused children are 25% more likely to deal with teen pregnancy, and have unprotected sex, making them more likely to get STDs.

Also, 80% of abuse survivors are later found to have a psychological disorder, like anxiety or depression. These costs are no doubt felt personally by every abuse survivor— and their monetary cost is substantial.

The Emotional Cost of Abuse

As horrifying as these statistics are, the whole truth is even worse. The numbers don't show the bruises, broken bones, broken spirits, or the deeply buried fear residing in each survivor of abuse. The numbers can only hint at the pain survivors feel.

Here are just a few of the emotional effects survivors deal with:

* Lack of trust
* Inability to engage in fulfilling relationships
* Feeling “too damaged to love”
* Low self-worth or feelings of worthlessness
* Difficulties with controlling emotions
* Depression, anxiety, and anger
* Suicidal thoughts and behaviors

The list of emotional effects is long—but probably not long enough to accurately reflect all the ways a child suffers emotional scars from abuse. Much of these effects tie into the point noting “low self-worth.”

After my experience being abused, I felt too damaged to love. That low self-worth led me to take all the risks that nearly killed me: the drugs, the car accidents, the motorcycle accidents. Even worse, low self-esteem can lead many victims of abuse to consider suicide, or go so far as to commit it.

The most tragic effects of abuse end in death. Children may die from violence, or choose to commit suicide because of the incredible pain they suffer.

1,850 children die a year from some form of child abuse—that equals seven or more children a day. Young children are the most vulnerable; most of those deaths from abuse (80%) happen to children under the age of four. Just as tragic, if not more so: approximately six children will commit suicide every day, due to child abuse.

The Hope of Healing

These statistics paint a grim picture, but if you’re an abuse survivor, there is hope.

Don’t miss that. There is hope of healing.

I experienced a self-destructive streak because of the emotional effects of my abuse. I always say, “When the abuser stops, the abused takes over, and abuse themselves.” Our brains get so messed up by abuse that we start ruining our own lives.

I have one thing to say to that: The abuse was not your fault.

No matter what happened, it was not your fault. You don't have to recreate abuse in your life to punish yourself. Your brain and mine may have been rewired by abuse, but we can change our minds. It is possible for every abuse survivor to overcome the damage caused emotionally and psychologically by abuse. You can heal!

Within each abuse survivor, mixed up with the memories of abuse and the emotional and psychological damage we’ve suffered, part of us is looking for good. That part of us wants to open up to the possibility that there is good, and we are allowed to explore it.

Listen to the power within you that wants to discover the good—the deep good, the true good, the whole good. If you can, you can come to live an incredibly and fulfilling life.

You can learn to love and be loved. I did it, which means you can too.

For more advice on healing from abuse, you can find Resilient People on Amazon.

Read Part 2: 3 Phases of Healing from Abuse

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Rick Huttner is a survivor of physical and sexual abuse who now works passionately to spread the message that all abuse survivors can heal. His own healing process began after decades of alcohol abuse, dysfunctional relationships, and a volatile career—all of which were influenced by the buried pain of his childhood trauma. Finally unburdened by his past, Rick now lives a joyful, productive, loving life. He founded the Resilient People initiative to help other abuse survivors, and he regularly shares his story at speaking engagements and abuse-awareness workshops. He can be booked through his website, www.resilientpeople.us.