I was 15 years old and I had just grabbed my mother from behind, wrapping my arm around her throat as my father stared on in horror.
I was raging ... again.
Once my father snapped out of the shock, he grabbed me with enough force (but also gentleness) to get me off of my mom. Immediately I was flooded with shame. It was as if awakening from a dream - what had I just done? How could I? What's wrong with me?
Ask me today what had set me off, what we were fighting about --- couldn't tell ya.
What I can tap into now, looking back at moments like these, is that I would often feel so immediately flooded with this intense feeling that would spread throughout my entire body, my face would get hot, and all I wanted was to scream at the top of my lungs.
I remember the deep confusion I felt because a lot of the time I was this jovial, wise cracking, easy going person. But this switch would flip - and when it did - I felt at the mercy of whatever "monster" was there, always lurking underneath.
When I look back at those teen years now, I understand my rage and behavior. I have deep compassion for that young girl who didn't know any other way to say, "See me! Help me! I'm hurting."
Finding my peace and learning to trust my anger while also knowing how to slow down, keep from tipping over into rage has been some of the deepest (and hardest) healing work I've done.
A big part of that was understanding, as Ruth King calls it, my "rage inheritance" - the "pattern or theme that has been passed down to you to heal."
Read that last bit again!
"...that has been passed down to you to heal."
Whoa! That really struck home for me, because while I understood that the abuse has set up some anger/rage DNA for me - I also began to think about the ways in which anger had been modeled for me and even passed on to me.
King goes on to say, the purpose of many of the exercises in her book is so you can "discern the essence of your rage inheritance - the unresolved rage of your forbearers that you still carry-and to begin to break patterns of generational suffering."
I'm sometimes struck by how my grandfather's abusive behavior was perhaps but an echo of the trauma he experienced, and his parents, and their parents....not to let him off the hook of course -- but it inspires me to imagine that these "gremlins" that have been traveling along my family's DNA for so long are being weeded out and eradicated as I heal and as I embrace anger in healthy ways!
To breaking chains!
Watch: Interview with Anthony Mossburg who shares about his journey with finding and freeing anger, which ultimately helped him discover his personal truth in his music career. 
What stops you from giving yourself permission to express rage?
BOOK OF THE MONTH
Self-help authors rarely distinguish between anger and rage, but Ruth King has devoted her career to exploring the subtle varieties of this emotion. In Healing Rage, she gives all readers access to her pioneering, breakthrough program, which has already changed thousands of lives through workshops nationwide.
UPCOMING EVENTS
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Are you ready to overcome your abandonment issues?
Please join me and other teachers for AVAIYA University’s
Overcoming Abandonment & Low Self-Worth online event
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Please join me and other teachers for AVAIYA University’s
Overcoming Abandonment & Low Self-Worth online event
Sign up!
Creativity in Recovery:
This month, we talk about the creative channels we can use to heal.
This month, we talk about the creative channels we can use to heal.
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