The Boy I Left Behind: Midlife Crisis

This month, I am pleased to introduce you to David Lohman DeVore, M.A.. David is a shame recovery coach and survivor or childhood sexual abuse. In this series, he will be sharing his personal story of abuse, healing, and renewal.

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Eight years ago, I woke in a panic and began pacing around my house, trying to catch my breath and make sense of what was happening to me. I’m no stranger to anxiety, but this was something different. Waves of terror raced through my body like a roller coaster.

For years, I had been feeling disconnected in my life, and not fully present. As I looked around the yellow brick bungalow filled with family pictures and reminders of trips my partner and I had taken together for over ten years, something felt dishonest about it all. I had become attached to the things; the house, the dogs and the relationship. They had become validation of my existence, a two dimensional Facebook pictorial in search of “likes”.    

I wasn’t showing up authentically in my relationship or my life. I wasn’t transparent emotionally. Resentments were building. Days seemed to be going by faster and faster. It was all becoming a blur. I was operating on auto-pilot, half conscious, and knew there had to be more to life. It was as if the suit of my body was getting too tight and needed to expand to a new size. I longed to be more real, and there was no denying that I felt stuck.

I had been on a spiritual path for years, and had numerous awakening moments that felt like taking a breath of air after being under water a very long time, only to return once again to the familiar murky water. One step forward, and one step back. Potential became a word I despised as I knew I wasn’t utilizing the gifts I had been given. And worse was the nagging feeling that I was missing the boat, and my life purpose and meaning was unclear. 

On the outside everything seemed fine. I kept trucking along, smiling and pretending everything was okay. The duality was driving me crazy. At forty-three, I figured I must be having a midlife crisis, and made it my mission that day to get unstuck, and wake up from the fog that had become my life. I also knew I needed some sort of healing but had no idea why.

I was overwhelmed at first. Where do I begin? I packed my clothes, books, and a few objects from the house and moved in with friend a few months later. It was one of the most liberating and frightening things I’ve ever done. As I lay on the blow-up mattress that first night I thought, "It all comes down to you now David." I began to brainstorm ways of tackling my midlife crisis.

My physical body seemed like the best place to start. How do I fuel my body in a way that gives me more clarity, balance, and energy? I tried numerous cleanses, and diets. I viewed myself as "the science experiment of David" and my body as the vessel, the ride of my life. After some trial and error, I found a new balance with fuel. I became less anxious, more focused, and energized throughout the day. Aches and pains disappeared, as healing was happening within my body. I started a hot yoga practice, meditation, retreats, workshops, books, followed gurus, worked with shamans, and played around with energy work. The fog began to clear and a new vantage point emerged.  One with hope. 

I ended up in India for a month long, very intense spiritual retreat with five hundred people from all over the world seeking spiritual awakening. My sister’s joked that I was having my Julia Roberts Eat, Pray, Love moment.  They were right.  I was looking for answers.  A man on a mission.

I was incredibly hopeful and excited as I boarded the plane for the long flight ahead. There was a part of me that believed India would be the final answer, the magic wand. I had become a bit of a spiritual junkie, looking for the next fix. I wanted to be done so I could move on with my life. I had no idea what was in store for me.

I spent a night in Chennai and the next morning, jumped in a taxi with my friend Paula, a shaman who was just as excited and nervous as I was. Once we got going, I felt the a very familiar anxiety well up in the pit of my stomach, butterflies becoming bats seeking an exit. When we arrived at the ashram campus, I was nearing a full-fledged panic attack. I entered the dorm, and got in line for my room assignment. People in white from all over the world silently waited. Some were wearing headdresses, quietly meditating, chanting, or chatting. I took everything in. I felt like an outsider. I didn’t belong there. I walked into a small, dimly lit room with seventeen beds, and there was one left for me. Everyone was asleep. I got under the covers, hoping to fall asleep, but the anxiety grew as I tossed and turned. Something didn’t feel right. Maybe I made a mistake coming to India.

Then a very loud visceral voice came into my head that startled me. "We have to escape this retreat. These people are crazy. This is a cult. Why have you taken us here? They are going to try to brainwash us. They are going to change us! We must escape!"

I began thinking of ways to leave. I also wondered why I was talking to myself in the third person. I hadn’t paid the full tuition, only about a hundred bucks. I could leave first thing in the morning and travel India on my own.  

I fell asleep briefly, and began dreaming. An Indian man in a white robe approached me with a smile on his face. He reminded me a bit of Mr. Rourke from one of my favorite childhood TV shows, "Fantasy Island". He put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Hey. Don’t worry. This happens to many people. Resistance is a natural part of growth. Go to class in the morning and then make your decision."

I would learn later, I had my first big lesson that night. The mind of survival, the ego mind, or amygdala, functions to protect us from death, from annihilation. As we move through life, anything that is perceived as a threat to the ego sets off the same "fight of flight" response. I tend to want to fly, and it’s been happening all my life without my awareness.

Read Part 2 - Going Deeper

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David Lohman DeVore, M.A. is a shame recovery coach, and survivor or childhood sexual abuse.   He began his career twenty-five years ago as a wellness coach and personal trainer.   He became a psychotherapist in 2003 and developed a mind, body, spirit life coaching practice.  Over the last eight years, David’s spiritual and healing journey became his main focus.  He made the discovery that shame was subconsciously holding him back in all areas of his life.   It has become his passion to share practices to assist survivors in waking up from the shame driven world that blinds us from the joyful purpose-driven life we were born to live.

Find out more about David’s work at Awakeyou.com 

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