One Man's Journey: From Terrified to Transformed - Part 3

This week author and director Larry Enright finishes up his series and tells us about his amazing movie project that has been born as a result of his willingness to share his story!

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We have arrived.  My final blog in the series, just like my final book in the series Mad Man From Athgarvan Don’t Blink has brought me to a very important point. I, Larry Enright, have decided to do something about educating others about child abuse and helping Brain Aneurysm patients and their families by giving them the insight into my world and to show that healing is possible.  My book has generated a script that follows the stories within the book as well as other stories and thus my movie project was born.

My movie project, entitled “IF YOU TOLD”, is fully funded by donations and what myself and my family have been able to put together.  This movie is funny, sad, dramatic, kind, caring and honest.   If you haven’t read the previous blogs I will recap.  The movie’s storyline is about a young Irish lad’s antics while growing up in a small village in County Kildare, Ireland. The stories progress through his many escapades until he is an adult and finally arrives in America to live. And there more trouble brews and more funny stories evolve.

There is a serious side to this film and this is what makes this project worthwhile. It exposes child abuse in his small village and talks about the effects of a destructive undiagnosed brain aneurysm that changes my life forever. The hurdles I faced and my sense of humor helped me leap over my hurdles and move on; I know I can make you smile while sharing life’s reality. This film will definitely contains the elements that will teach you the power of laughter for healing. 

A portion of the proceeds from the sale of the movie will be used to help abuse victims as well as go towards research for the prevention and early detection of brain aneurysms.  The movie will help others who have befallen the same pain so that healing and support can occur!

If you should like to donate to the project contact me at ifyoutold@aol.com and we will provide you a link to make a donation.  All of our crew is currently made up of volunteers.  The donations will be applied to provide a small stipend to feed the crew, actors and actresses; rent camera equipment, cover any location fees, permits, insurance, set dressing, makeup, hair, wardrobe, music, color, sound and the list grows daily as the project moves forward. Every dime collected through donations goes towards producing a high quality, entertaining film.

Education, awareness and giving a voice to those who are afraid to speak is the greatest gift we all hope to give back.  Most importantly we want to give a voice to those who cannot speak for themselves!

Let me share the excerpt from my book:

Healing is an odd process. Sometimes it works with you and sometimes it works against you. I’m not sure if I ever completely healed. The anger still exists; the pain is still there; the physical weakness is still present. One thing is for sure though; the human body can handle loads of changes and the brain can reprogram itself in miraculous ways.

I’m never really truly happy though; I want more from my life than I am able to do and I want it yesterday. Perhaps you feel that way too. I always feel there is a great gap between where I have been and where I am that I do not understand. I wrote this book as a way of tracing my life and helping make some sense of it all. I hope it inspires others to write their journey down as well. Your stories are who you were. Don’t let your old stories rule you, make your life the present and live for each moment; you don’t know when things may change. Did you just blink? Your life has just changed again. Make sure you are in the moment!

So please live in the moment with me.  Help us bring this story to film.  Join us on Facebook.  Follow our page on Facebook ® The Voice Against Child
Abuse for updates on the project and contact us if you would like to join our community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/ifyoutold/.  We make frequent updates to our project status there plus release other videos and share information and articles.  Thank you again for taking the time to follow me over the last couple weeks.  Again, I  hope you will find it in your heart to lend a hand and give a voice to those who cannot speak out for themselves! 

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Larry Enright is from County Kildare, Ireland. He is a singer, songwriter and author currently living in the United States. He has had many adventures in his life. He has performed for the President of the United States, Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary, as well as many other public figures like Elizabeth Taylor and the Kennedy's. Larry was married, has 3 children, many grandchildren, served in the Irish Army, worked as a Military Policeman, worked in security, wrote and produced albums and wrote three books. In his adult life, Larry faced the issue of the sexual abuse that he experienced as a child and then faced a massive change in his life while living here in the states. Larry collapsed, unexpectedly, with the rupture of an undetected brain aneurysm that left him needing to relearn all of his skills.

After all of his twists and turns he has dedicated himself to helping others survive abuse and has formed the group The Voice Against Child Abuse. He helps direct others to the resources they need to survive their own battles. He is also working on an independent movie project to raise awareness about abuse, survival and deliver the message that there is hope and even a little laughter in life. The movie is call "If You Told" based on his third and final book in the Mad Man From Athgarvan series "Don't Blink".


To order Mad Man From Athgarvan Don't Blink, click here.

To support Larry's independent movie project, go here. P.S. I'll be making a cameo appearance in the film!!

One Man's Journey: From Terrified to Transformed - Part 2

This week author and director Larry Enright continues his series and shares with us the impact the abuse had on his life and the role religion played in his journey.

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So as a child, I, Larry Enright, fought the battle so many children fight after being sexually abused. I was engulfed with overwhelming and intense feelings of fear, guilt and shame. My abuser remained in my immediate area which made me feel like I had done something to encourage the situation. I blamed myself over and over again. My abuser threatened to kill me so I never spoke up. 

What I was left with is a shopping list of issues. I had low self-esteem, self-hatred, depression, guilt, shame and an inability to trust people and a constant reminder of my abuse. I would block out my shame by imagining all kinds of things, acting out, making up stories and getting into fist fights. I think the worst of it for me was that I thought my abuser would kill me and my family. He had me convinced. Strangely enough, one time, in a brief instance I thought about telling my parents but I had a secondary fear quickly emerge. I feared my Dad would kill this man and then go to jail, and I would never see him again. So as a child you can see how trapped I really felt. The worst was yet to come and it would come in the form of sleep disturbances. These were daily and varied in intensity but every day of the week I would go through these. It was horrible and no one could understand. These two excerpts from my book show how bad it really got.

As a young child I was very afraid of the dark. Because my brothers were older, they often times were not home at bedtime. I would try to sneak into my sisters’ room to sleep because you could be guaranteed there would always be someone there. Sometimes I would get in, and sometimes I would not be so successful. With the bad dreams I used to have I had a hard time falling asleep; my dreams were frightening.

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As a kid I suffered with bad headaches and horrible nightmares. I remember one time while sleeping I had a horrible dream that the devil was grabbing me and I was floating around the room. I would fight and fight to wake up but it would seem like an eternity before I would wake up. I often would awaken and be sweating and crying. One time my Mam came into the room because I had been yelling in my sleep. I broke down and told her what I had been experiencing. I

told my Mam that this was happening most nights of the week. My Mam held me that night until I fell asleep and the next day my Mam and Dad took me to see the doctor. I remember his name, it was Dr. Canty. The doctor examined me. He asked me a few questions then had my Mam enter the examining room. He told my Mam that I was okay and that most kids go through this and I was a little hyperactive. He gave her some medicine to give me before bedtime. It tasted horrible rather like liquid shit. She gave it to me but it never worked. I told my Mam the nightmares had stopped but I was lying, I just wanted her not to worry. My headaches and nightmares continued into adulthood and the intensity increased dramatically. It would all make sense later but for now I would have to just live with it.

What I have not expounded upon is that these dreams were centered on fighting with the devil. In my mind I transformed my abuser into the devil. Nightly, I would yell STOP, NO, STOP…and no one in my family knew why. My religious upbringing made my abuser the Devil. This excerpt will explain the religious aspect of my life.

Religion was important to my family. Every day at 6 o’clock we would have to be in the house to say the Angelus. If we were out playing or whatever we were doing, we would get the call. My Mam would gather us all in the kitchen in a circle. The radio would be on, and it would ring out a bell tone. My Mam would then start us off with the sign of the cross and then start the prayer. It was a short prayer, so no one ever minded our routine.

Later, after supper, was another story. At night we would all have to gather in a circle again, this time with Rosary beads in hand, and in order to do the Rosary. There would be a lot of mumbling going on; I’m not sure that everyone was even saying the same prayer on the beads as we went, but it still sounded okay so we just kept going. My brother Eamon was the biggest “mumbler” of them all. When he would start I would giggle and then my Mam would hit me a crack on the back of the head. After my head would stop spinning we would carry on for you see my Mam and Dad were very religious people and serious about their prayers. Confession every Saturday and Mass every Sunday was second nature to us. To this day I will always remember the strength in our family’s faith which has remained strong in my heart as well.

I think at this point in my life I was so confused about my blame in the abuse, I even feared that God would think it was my fault.

I also experienced sleep paralysis which still occurs to this day when stresses in my life become a bit more than I can handle. But you also must remember I had an undetected brain aneurysm rupture causing me to battle brain injury as well, so I, at times, have issues sorting out daily stresses. Enough about that, let’s talk about sleep paralysis for a moment. Sleep paralysis happens for me when I am having a terrifying vision in my dreams and I cannot wake myself up nor move. I will call out and moan but I can feel my body lock up. If you should be going through this it would be wise for you to speak to your doctor and counselor. You want to rule out any other medical factors which may be causing this. There are ways to deal with sleep paralysis. What is good to know is that if it is only sleep paralysis brought on by stress that it is not dangerous. However, it does not make it any easier to deal with.

As an adult I adopted unhealthy coping mechanisms. I was constantly sad but faked it with laughter in front of others. I would hide my pain by abusing alcohol and some drugs but mostly I punished myself. I tried to hurt myself a few times, wanting to make the pain stop permanently and I struggle with bouts of depression to this day. I even still experience the nightmares though now I can understand why. 

Admitting my abuse has started me on a path of recovery. I will not lie to you, it is not an easy path but it is one you can travel. The first and foremost thing you must do for yourself is admit that you are worthy of happiness, health and deserve good in your life. Then you need to remind yourself that you don’t have to be a victim to your abuser anymore. You can put him where he belongs and that is give him his appropriate title: Criminal. What he or she has done is a criminal act. You would not punish yourself if you were robbed so you should not punish yourself for this crime either.

The battle of healing from abuse, which I learned over time, many people struggle with, made me long to do something for others. I started writing books about my experience, showing the funny, the sad, the strong emotion, the pain but the reality is that you can grow strong within yourself. My final book in the series "Mad Man From Athgarvan Don’t Blink" is the one that brings all the stories together. We have self-published the book and are using the proceeds to work on the next project which will be used to raise funds to help victims from Child Abuse and Brain Aneurysm Trauma. From the books, a movie project has been born and that is yet another story which we will talk about next time!

Come back next week for the conclusion to Larry's series and to hear more about his upcoming film! 

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Larry Enright is from County Kildare, Ireland. He is a singer, songwriter and author currently living in the United States. He has had many adventures in his life. He has performed for the President of the United States, Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary, as well as many other public figures like Elizabeth Taylor and the Kennedy's. Larry was married, has 3 children, many grandchildren, served in the Irish Army, worked as a Military Policeman, worked in security, wrote and produced albums and wrote three books. In his adult life, Larry faced the issue of the sexual abuse that he experienced as a child and then faced a massive change in his life while living here in the states. Larry collapsed, unexpectedly, with the rupture of an undetected brain aneurysm that left him needing to relearn all of his skills.

After all of his twists and turns he has dedicated himself to helping others survive abuse and has formed the group The Voice Against Child Abuse. He helps direct others to the resources they need to survive their own battles. He is also working on an independent movie project to raise awareness about abuse, survival and deliver the message that there is hope and even a little laughter in life. The movie is call "If You Told" based on his third and final book in the Mad Man From Athgarvan series "Don't Blink".


To order Mad Man From Athgarvan Don't Blink, click here.

To support Larry's independent movie project, go here. P.S. I'll be making a cameo appearance in the film!!

One Man's Journey: From Terrified to Transformed - Part 1

This week author and director Larry Enright joins us to share his story and excerpts of his latest novel, Mad Man From Athgarvan Don't Blink. It is a harrowing one, but at the end of the day, Larry has taken his journey and used it as creative inspiration for both his novels and his upcoming film, "If You Told." I know you too will be inspired and encouraged by his story.

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It's hard to imagine someone intentionally hurting a child, yet nearly 10 million children are abused every year from all over the world. And these are only the reported incidents of child abuse — many more cases are unreported and undetected, often because children are afraid to tell somebody who can help.

My name is Larry Enright and I was abused as a child.  I started writing my life story when I realized I was unable to heal. My life had been a shambles and was spiraling downhill.  Disastrous affairs of the heart, unable to trust, fights, alcohol, drugs and anger made up my everyday life.  When I finally admitted to being abused and started revisiting my life story it became evident to me that I was I was affected by my abuse more than I ever understood.  In my adulthood, I also had the trauma of an undetected brain aneurysm that ruptured.  So my life took another amazing twist.  I was now relearning how to walk, talk, and do things you normally take for granted.  It’s like I was being given a second chance at life.  So let me take a step backwards and tell you about my life a bit.

I was born into a family of 21 children of which only 12 survived.  We were a practicing Catholic home and we lived in a small house in Athgarvan Village, County Kildare, Ireland. We were a close knit family and lived within the confines of our three bedroom house.  We were taught to trust and believe that all people were good. That the people we saw daily were trustable and part of our extended family within the community.  This became a recipe for disaster, because people in the village seemed to put a blind eye where certain culprits in the village were concerned.  Maybe it was the times, it definitely was fear of being blamed for the event, but I lived in constant fear of anyone ever finding out.  I went through my life with nightmares, acting out, hiding, taking longer rides to do errands and just avoiding where my abuser lived.

He was an elder in the village, who sat on a stump watching the children ride their bikes back and forth to the shops for their moms.  He seemed to zero in on the youngest, quietest and most innocent.  He was a classic abuser, and I became his victim. 

Here’s an excerpt from the book, the event that changed my life, the section titled “The Truth Hurts” (contains graphic description that may be triggering):

When I was 7 years old living in Athgarvan Village we had two shops. One was Hayden’s, a small shop and the other was Doyle’s, which was a larger shop and carried a bit of everything. They were located on opposite sides of the village. Sometimes my Mam would have me go to Doyle’s to pick up some milk and bread. Off I would go down the hill on my bike. At the bottom of the hill I would see this old man sitting on the stump smoking his pipe. I was always polite and greeted him with a “hello” as I would pass by. One day he stopped me and asked me to get him some Woodbine cigarettes at the shop so I agreed, I was going to the shop for my Mam so there was no reason I should not help him out. He was old and a trip to the store would probably be a bit much for him. He handed me a half crown and I was on my way, but, before I left he told me I could keep the change when I got back and that was great pocket money so I was happy and peddled away to the store. It got to be an ongoing thing, every time I was passing by he would have me pick up various things at the shop and give me a few pennies for myself. I even told my Mam about the old man and she told me it was the old man and that he was harmless and old so helping him out was a nice thing to do. One day I was riding my bike to the shop for my Mam when he stopped me. He said he needed some things at the shop but the money was in the house, which was located just across the road from the stump on which he sat. He told me to follow him in to get the money and so I did. When we got inside the house he turned and locked the door. I asked him why he did that. His response was to turn, slap me across the face and demand that I take my pants off. I was crying and frightened and I said “Why are you doing this to me?” he then grabbed hold of me and pulled me into his bedroom. He pointed to the bed and said “get in!” I froze, tears in my eyes and did not moved. He then roared “Get in!!” I did not get in the bed I sat on top of it. Since I did not do what he wanted me to do he grew impatient and started fumbling at my pants and pulled them off. Then he took his own pants off, got on the bed and pulled me over and he lay beside me on top of the bed. It was beyond horrible, more than any words can express, and I was mortified for there he was rubbing himself on me. I was sobbing and praying to God, “Help me, Please Help Me”. When he satisfied himself he got off the bed to put his pants back on. As he was doing this I saw my opportunity to escape, no pants, ran to the door and unlocked it but he grabbed me again and took me back to the bedroom and told me to lie there. He again took off his pants and got back on the bed. He started rubbing himself against me again. I was terrified and all I could think of was where are my Mam and Dad, when all of a sudden the door opened. The house door was unlocked, he forgot to lock it again and some young girl came in and shouted “Need anything from the shop” he shouted back “No I’m okay” but she came into the bedroom and saw me. With this she ran out and he told me to get dressed, go home and never say a word to anyone “OR ELSE!”. I don’t know who that girl was, but thank you, I believe you may have saved my life.

After this my life fell apart. I lived in fear. I would never go by where he was and I was always looking over my shoulder.  I felt so alone and like I deserved what happened to me. And so my story went on.  But my crusade now is to help other people come forward, heal themselves and realize that they have so much to offer the world and so little reason to give their abusers the strength to own and destroy their lives.

To Be Continued next week when Larry shares more of his story and about his work supporting survivors. 

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Larry Enright is from County Kildare, Ireland. He is a singer, songwriter and author currently living in the United States. He has had many adventures in his life. He has performed for the President of the United States, Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary, as well as many other public figures like Elizabeth Taylor and the Kennedy's. Larry was married, has 3 children, many grandchildren, served in the Irish Army, worked as a Military Policeman, worked in security, wrote and produced albums and wrote three books. In his adult life, Larry faced the issue of the sexual abuse that he experienced as a child and then faced a massive change in his life while living here in the states. Larry collapsed, unexpectedly, with the rupture of an undetected brain aneurysm that left him needing to relearn all of his skills.

After all of his twists and turns he has dedicated himself to helping others survive abuse and has formed the group The Voice Against Child Abuse. He helps direct others to the resources they need to survive their own battles. He is also working on an independent movie project to raise awareness about abuse, survival and deliver the message that there is hope and even a little laughter in life. The movie is call "If You Told" based on his third and final book in the Mad Man From Athgarvan series "Don't Blink".


To order Mad Man From Athgarvan Don't Blink, click here.

To support Larry's independent movie project, go here. P.S. I'll be making a cameo appearance in the film!!

Truth Is the Biggest Turn On!

This week, Irene Fehr, Fire Igniter and Confidence Coach shares in this final post

Don't forget to join me and Irene on March 12 & 19 for this free 90 minute teleseminar for men and women. Learn more about that here.


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I’ve always been an honest person. To a fault, really. Ask me a question, and I will shower you with utter precision of every detail.

I’ve also been a liar.

You see, I had this idea that I had to sell a perfect image of myself. A woman with everything under control. An intelligent over-achiever. I prided myself for being “the kind of woman that does it all and does it well”.

I had wanted to be accepted and loved, so logically, I created a curated package of who I think I need to be to receive that love.

There were things that did not fit into that package, and so I lied. I lied about my emotions and what I really felt, in fear that people would not know how to handle me. I lied about my disappointments and fears, scared that I would come across as weak and unworthy. I lied about my true desires because it meant exposing myself to rejection – or worse, ridicule. And, I lied to myself, thinking I was doing what I needed to do to be a good woman.

On the outside, my life was a resumé of achievements and carefully-orchestrated moves.

On the inside, I held back every part of my inner being as if I were holding my breath.

This kind of lying was so deeply engrained into my psyche that it naturally seeped into my sex life. Sex had become yet another place where I needed to stylize my moves and curate my image to cover up the slew of insecurities underneath.

I did not know how to ask for what I wanted, and over time, the resentment had built up. Sex became lackluster, and the relationships deteriorated. All the while, I was obsessed with: What if my partner finds out what I really feel? What if he will know that I want something else (and does it mean I don’t like him)? What if he judges me?

Saying the truth is vulnerable. Society’s conventions require us to keep what we really feel inside in the name of not hurting others, protecting them from the truth, keeping peace, being liked, and often protecting ourselves from those who might have malicious intent.

Expressing what I want in sex and how it’s making me feel was unfathomable. Because it meant that I would have to bring my guard down and take a risk, be vulnerable. I would have to allow my partner in. And it was unfathomable when I was cowering underneath the beliefs about myself that I am unattractive, weak and unworthy. It was too risky.

But the cost was too high.

Holding back my truth and not asking for what I want was costing my energy and life force. It was as if I was ashamed of being me.

And it went deeper. It cost me my aliveness. And my connection with my body. It took so much energy to pretend and lie – to keep myself in the secure and safe cocoon of my made-up image – that I had little energy for anything else. Especially for connecting with another.

Withdrawing from sexual connection was my only way out.

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My own path to learning to speak my truth – the truth of my experience – was through Orgasmic Meditation (OM), the partnered sexuality practice about which I wrote in my last article here.

There is nowhere to hide in an OM. When a stroker’s undivided attention is on me and the most sensitive part of my body, telling the truth becomes more than just saying the words.

My body speaks louder than me. I cannot pretend to get off or cover up dissatisfaction with moaning because he will feel my body tighten and withdraw. If my intention or attention is on impressing my partner and not on my own pleasure, he will feel our connecting waning.  He can also feel my body open and expand when I am true to my desires and emotions.

My body responds directly to how truthful I am willing to be.

That is the scariest aspect of OM – and the most powerful. When I have nowhere to hide, I have to drop my escape mechanisms and surrender. The practice has taught me to listen to my body and be true to it in all its form - its desires and truth. 

OM has also taught me how to be authentic to what is deeply true for me – not by avoiding vulnerability, but by going deeply into it. To tell the truth despite the consequences of being judged or rejected. To be myself. And to build relationships based on connection and truth, instead of posturing and withholding. 

The second you withhold, the relationship suffers. ~ Nicole Daedone

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There is another amazing benefit of telling the truth: it’s a turn-on.

Telling that deep truth – the one that has you squirm when you think about it - has the same visceral effects as sexual turn-on: heightened heart rate, tingling in your body, sweaty palms, and increased blood flow to genitals.

Why?

Because telling the truth is about being vulnerable and allowing others to see you. It’s about your sexuality and how comfortable you are to be you and express who you are. It’s about freedom to live an integrated life inside and out.

Want to try it? When you hear a little voice in your head, telling you “I cannot say that”, go ahead and say it.  And notice what happens in your body. Tread lightly at first and build up to bigger truths slowly. And remember, this is not about whacking the other person with some big revelation. It’s about you being open and honest about who you are.

Telling the truth is about opening up to let others see us deeply, at the most profound level of who we really are. It’s about intimacy and connection, a conversation between one soul and another. 

And from the beginning, that's all I had ever wanted.

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Irene Fehr is a coach and fierce champion of women owning our femininity and sexuality and igniting the world with our power and leadership. She works with savvy, progressive, high-achieving women who desire to be feminine beyond words and powerful beyond measure by helping them access their life-force through their sexuality and use that power to do good in the world. Learn more about Irene Fehr and Orgasmic Meditation at www.irenefehr.com/what-is-orgasmic-meditation.