Family Matters - Part 2

Last week, I wrote a bit about the roles we take on in our family and then later continue playing. This week, I want to share some of the core false beliefs that people who grow up in families where abuse/dysfunction occurred develop. These are*:

• I must meet certain standards in order to feel good about myself.
• I must have others’ approval.
• Because I have failed, I am unworthy and deserve to be punished.
• I am what I am, I cannot change; I am hopeless.

These are false beliefs that we can challenge; we don’t have to continue holding onto or being shaped by these ideas. One way that I work with clients to challenge these false beliefs is to have them rewrite them as new stories that will give them freedom and possibility:

Example: I can feel good about myself even when I make a mistake, because it means I am trying and learning.

One important thing to understand here is that there is nothing, in general, wrong with having standards or needing approval. Problems occur, however, when we set up these beliefs as “musts.” If we can’t function and feel good about ourselves without the approval of others, for example, then things have gotten out of balance.

Much of who you are and how you see the world is shaped by the family you grew up in. You received all sorts of messages about what behavior was and wasn’t acceptable. At times, family members may have made statements that influenced how you saw yourself, relationships, or the world. The thing is, whatever messages our family members gave us about ourselves were simply that – messages sent. They are like telegrams that were sent long ago and became wired into our thinking, but all of that is up for grabs now. You get to choose at this point which things you believe, which things you don’t believe, and which things are really just about them, it’s their stuff – so that doesn’t have to be how you think about relationships or yourself any longer.

Here’s the bad news: in order to recover – you have to let people off the hook for the things they do and say. This doesn’t mean you have to continue to be abused or receive negative messages; it just means you have to make it about them and not about you.

The next, and often harder level, is to begin to notice that we begin to take these experiences with people and determine – or prove – things about them. We begin to define who they “ARE.” For example, my mother is over-bearing; my father is cold and disconnected; my husband is lazy. This is similar to what we are out to prove about others. When we have it that someone else “IS” the provider, the dependable one, the loser, the aggressor – this keeps you and them trapped with no possibility, because you frame all of their behavior with this lens or limit them to a particular way of being.

What do you have the people in your life being? How do you define them?

Example: My mother is a nuisance. My father is the one I can trust. My husband is my life.

What are the costs of doing so?

Example: If my husband is my life, I’m not owning and taking responsibility for my own journey.

What new possibility becomes available by giving up who you’ve had them being?

Example: If I give up defining my husband as my life, I’ll experience independence and relieve him of the enormous pressure of being “my life”!

When we determine who others will be, we limit and suffocate them and harm ourselves in the process, because we are unable to embrace the entire person. If your abuser is still in your life, one of the hardest but most freeing steps you can take is to stop defining them as “the abuser” and to begin seeing the whole person. This is particularly important if you want any sort of real relationship to occur. Now, if the person is still abusing you to this day in some way, this statement doesn’t apply to you!

REFLECTION

Who are the people you’ve been limiting by defining who they “ARE” for you and not allowing room for anything else? Once you’ve identified these people, I encourage you to go to them and share who you’ve had them being and what you now see as possible because you are giving that up.

A little How-To Guide:

1. Tell the person who you’ve had them being
2. Share the cost
3. Create a new possibility that becomes present when you stop defining them

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

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Don't Go It Alone!

There is a great children's book, Amazing Mr. Zooty! In the story, Mr. Zooty comes upon a family that is clearly down and out. Knowing they are good hearted people, he pretends to faint and, in reward for their quickly jumping to his rescue, he gives each of them a wish. Each wish he fulfills with some added embellishments - syrup for the little boy's pancakes; a hat to match the mother's new purse; and a house to go with the little girl's kitten. When the mother says she doesn't know how she'll ever thank him, he simply replies, "Everybody needs a little help sometimes."

Isn't that so true! Yet, what we do most of the time is keep our wishes (needs) close to our chests, refusing to share them with others. When we need support, rather than reach out to others, we hide, - after all, sometimes it's more important to look like you have it all together than to really have it all together - right?

No way! One of the things we need to get better at doing is asking for support. There's no need to go it alone. This, however, is easier said than done sometimes. But why is that?

On one level, we have a general need to look good. We want to be able, competent people who can handle whatever comes our way and so avoid anything that might call that into question. In other words, it's about saving face. Now, this is a natural tendency, but it gets us into a lot of trouble. Especially since things usually tend to get worse rather than better when we retreat and isolate ourselves and don't get support.

Take the case of one client who lost her job but refused to tell her friends. After three months of spending and going out as if she had a job, she was in debt up to her ears. She eventually had to fess up to her friends that, not only had she lost her job, but she’d hid it from them, and was now in trouble financially – she had compounded things threefold! So much for saving face, right? Now, that's not meant to be harsh, but it is a wake-up call that not asking for support or trying to hide in the name of looking good is counterproductive.

The other thing that stops us from asking for support is false beliefs about our value. Particularly if we have been abused, we question that we deserve help from others. Or we have the idea that we will be too much of an imposition - after all, our problems are so big how could anyone else handle it? Another false idea is that asking for help means you are a failure. These false ideas trap and isolate us from others and need to be challenged and overcome. Finish this statement: "I don't ask others for support because that would mean I _______." Whatever is in that blank is the false belief you need to disconfirm. You can check out this blog to learn more about how to do that.

Finally, sometimes, we just don't know how to ask for support. The thing is, we have to tune in to what we really need before we can ask for it from someone else. Saying to another person, "I need some support" is the beginning of the conversation, not the end. What do you mean by support? Do you need someone to just sit with you while you process thoughts or feelings? Do you need help figuring out a solution? Do you need a phone call once a week to check in? Do you need them to call you on a behavior that you want to stop when they see you doing it? The idea is that asking for support that actually leads to, well, support means first getting clear about what you need and communicating it clearly to the person you are asking. There may be times, granted, when you don't know exactly what you need, but you could communicate that or ask for support in getting clear!

This part - asking for what you really need minus vagueness, qualifications, or minimization - involves being vulnerable and trusting someone. Here now, is the toughest part when it comes to asking for support.

Here's the thing though, anyone you ask for help has at some point been in your shoes. Don't get fooled by the idea that what you're going through is so different that others haven't been there, too. It's a bit easier to trust and be vulnerable when you remember you aren't so unique .. everybody needs a little help sometimes.

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

Please Send My Copy Now

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

Have you ever heard of "spontaneous trait transference"? Essentially, studies show that, because of this psychological phenomenon, people unintentionally transfer to you the traits that you ascribe to other people.

So, if I tell Nathan that Mark is arrogant and unreliable, Nathan associates that quality with me! On the other hand, if I say that Mark is funny and intelligent, I'm linked to those qualities.

What I say about other people sticks to me - even when I talk to someone who already knows me. So, the next time I find myself wanting to say something critical, I'll do well to be mindful that doing so greatly impacts how people see me!

I guess that old saying isn't so off the mark!!

Getting the Results You Want

"Current research underscores the wisdom of his [Benjamin Franklin's] chart-keeping approach. People are more likely to make progress on goals that are broken into concrete, measurable actions, with some kind of structured accountability and positive reinforcement." ~The Happiness Project

I couldn't agree more, which is why one of the main things I do with my clients is create "measurable results" - even when it comes to abstract ideas like worthiness, confidence, or communication. I love seeing things become focused and manageable as my clients get clear about the small strides they can take towards a larger goal!

Are there things you've wanted to change, but you're stuck either because the task seems too big or you just don't know where to start? We should chat - just schedule a call!