June 8, 2011

Don't Go It Alone!

There is a great children's book, Amazing Mr. Zooty! In the story, Mr. Zooty comes upon a family that is clearly down and out. Knowing they are good hearted people, he pretends to faint and, in reward for their quickly jumping to his rescue, he gives each of them a wish. Each wish he fulfills with some added embellishments - syrup for the little boy's pancakes; a hat to match the mother's new purse; and a house to go with the little girl's kitten. When the mother says she doesn't know how she'll ever thank him, he simply replies, "Everybody needs a little help sometimes."

Isn't that so true! Yet, what we do most of the time is keep our wishes (needs) close to our chests, refusing to share them with others. When we need support, rather than reach out to others, we hide, - after all, sometimes it's more important to look like you have it all together than to really have it all together - right?

No way! One of the things we need to get better at doing is asking for support. There's no need to go it alone. This, however, is easier said than done sometimes. But why is that?

On one level, we have a general need to look good. We want to be able, competent people who can handle whatever comes our way and so avoid anything that might call that into question. In other words, it's about saving face. Now, this is a natural tendency, but it gets us into a lot of trouble. Especially since things usually tend to get worse rather than better when we retreat and isolate ourselves and don't get support.

Take the case of one client who lost her job but refused to tell her friends. After three months of spending and going out as if she had a job, she was in debt up to her ears. She eventually had to fess up to her friends that, not only had she lost her job, but she’d hid it from them, and was now in trouble financially – she had compounded things threefold! So much for saving face, right? Now, that's not meant to be harsh, but it is a wake-up call that not asking for support or trying to hide in the name of looking good is counterproductive.

The other thing that stops us from asking for support is false beliefs about our value. Particularly if we have been abused, we question that we deserve help from others. Or we have the idea that we will be too much of an imposition - after all, our problems are so big how could anyone else handle it? Another false idea is that asking for help means you are a failure. These false ideas trap and isolate us from others and need to be challenged and overcome. Finish this statement: "I don't ask others for support because that would mean I _______." Whatever is in that blank is the false belief you need to disconfirm. You can check out this blog to learn more about how to do that.

Finally, sometimes, we just don't know how to ask for support. The thing is, we have to tune in to what we really need before we can ask for it from someone else. Saying to another person, "I need some support" is the beginning of the conversation, not the end. What do you mean by support? Do you need someone to just sit with you while you process thoughts or feelings? Do you need help figuring out a solution? Do you need a phone call once a week to check in? Do you need them to call you on a behavior that you want to stop when they see you doing it? The idea is that asking for support that actually leads to, well, support means first getting clear about what you need and communicating it clearly to the person you are asking. There may be times, granted, when you don't know exactly what you need, but you could communicate that or ask for support in getting clear!

This part - asking for what you really need minus vagueness, qualifications, or minimization - involves being vulnerable and trusting someone. Here now, is the toughest part when it comes to asking for support.

Here's the thing though, anyone you ask for help has at some point been in your shoes. Don't get fooled by the idea that what you're going through is so different that others haven't been there, too. It's a bit easier to trust and be vulnerable when you remember you aren't so unique .. everybody needs a little help sometimes.

If you’d like to learn more about how coaching can support you (don't be afraid to ask!), I encourage you to schedule a free 30 minute Discovery Session!

P.S. I'm still running my "4 Free Sessions" deal for all new clients. If we decide to work together, your first four sessions are free - no strings attached! This offer will be ending August 1st – so don’t miss this opportunity to sign up or share coaching with someone you know.


  1. Absolutely love this blog post.. I have a very difficult time asking for what I need from someone... unless I am in a position of power.. LOL.. If I have to ask someone for help it means that I cannot handle it on my own and I f'd up in some way.

    I am really working on those coding statements, but the funny thing is.. sometimes those of us who go through abuse don't know we have those statements... Thank you for this blog.. this new perspective of viewing myself...

    Shine a light on it... re-code it... keep on pressing! NBL

  2. @Justice: thanks for the feedback! I think your "coding" is pretty typical .. but challenge on and push back! I'm glad it gave you a little nudge (for me, too, as I was writing it :) )


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