This past Halloween weekend has me thinking a lot about my mom.
My mother was raised in the country. One room school house, feed the chickens before school, make your own clothes kind of country! She was also brought up in the Jehovah's Witnesses church.
I have vague memories of sitting in the pew next to her as a 3-4 year old. I remember many of the men and women of that community being kind and warm towards me.
When I was five, we stopped going. I learned many years later that my mom stopped going because the elders were advising her to leave my father. See, they found out my dad had been married before and on top of that, he smoked cigarettes, and that just wasn't okay by them.
Now, I don't know if this is still the case these days, but at least at that time, celebrating holidays was a no no. Especially Halloween!
When my mom left the church, she didn't lose her faith, but she did leave that sort of stuff behind.
Every year from then on, she would sew my Halloween costumes! Check out some of her finer work (and yes, you aren't seeing things - I did indeed dress up as a Christmas tree for Halloween):
Now you may be thinking, "Rachel, what in the world does this have to do with abuse?"
Well, when I was 10 years old, my grandfather starting abusing me. He was a devout member of the Jehovah's witnesses church. He told me lots of bible stories, went to church as often as he could.
When he was caught, my mother and father first moved him immediately out of our home. And then....my mom went to the elders of the church to report what happened and to seek guidance.
For my mom, having witnessed her father in the act of abusing her little girl...well, I know she was encumbered by so many complex feelings, and it makes sense that she would turn to an institution and community that for so many years of her life had been a source of guidance and counsel.
But ya know what? These elders, who gave my mom so much grief because her husband smoking. These elders who would have shamed her and told her she was sinning for making me Halloween costumes. These elders did absolutely NOTHING.
Well maybe that's not true. They said pray. They said forgive. They said he probably didn't mean it. They said he's an old man, just leave it.
I was already struggling to reconcile the confusion I was feeling about God born out being abused by a God-fearing man, and this response from the elders just poured fuel onto the fire.
And I was ANGRY!
Angry at my grandfather.
Angry at these men.
And definitely angry at God.
I know, given the thousands of stories I've born witness to, that I'm not alone. This story is an all too common one.
Faith communities must do better! And luckily there are organizations out there seeing to it that they do. Like GRACE - Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment.
And then there are people like Fawn, my dear friend, who is an amazing women's relationship empowerment coach, who has developed a 7-week course on "Setting Yourself Free from Religious Bull****, Without Losing Your Faith". Check it out!
If you've been harmed by the leaders/members of a faith community, healing this wounding will make it possible for you to find your footing when it comes to your own beliefs, values, and faith/spirituality.
To be clear, I'm not condemning any faith or globalizing judgment of any denomination or members of a denomination.
What I saying is that this experience set me on a long painful path I had to travel to heal this wounding and formulate a spiritual walk that I could access.
One thing is for damn sure.....I'll never feel like a sinner for celebrating!
To unburdening ourselves,
Watch my interview with David Pittman, a member of Grace in which we talk in depth about what faith communities can do to better protect children and response to abuse.
Read this article by powerhouse Lyvonne Proverbs in which she explores why Jesus would say, "Me too."
Where do you seek counsel from these days?
BOOK OF THE MONTH
Desiring to bring hope and healing to other victims, these men and women—survivors as well as their community of family and friends—come together to speak out about their abuse and betrayal by Catholic priests and leaders. These are only a few stories—but through these few are related the experiences of many victims. Contrary to conventional wisdom, these men and women are still active, practicing Catholics who love their faith. The abusers may have stolen their innocence, but through God’s grace, they weren’t able to steal their faith.
UPCOMING EVENTS
Save the Date!
More details and link to join will be sent out soon.
I am so excited to be on this panel and joining in on this live conversation as we explore how to reconnect with self-love as we navigate these troubled times.
As survivors of childhood abuse, family can be a continuous problem. In the same way that our families might have failed us as children, they so often fail us again as adults. And as we approach the holidays, this can be a particularly challenging time. I hope you'll join us!
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