A Beyond Survivor Tells Her Story!

Having now worked as a Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach since 2007, I can say that I have one of the coolest jobs ever. Not only do I get to spend my days walking alongside amazing men and women, assisting them in their journey of recovery, but I know without a doubt that my Beyond Survivors are a very special tribe of people. They are generous, loving, world-changers, fun, and brave.

So, it's with great honor that I get to introduce you today to Melissa, who became a Beyond Survivor in 2013. She shares with you a bit about her journey and what she gained from our time working together.

"I was stuck and I felt broken. Now I feel free! Rachel helped me realize that trauma is not a competition ... she reminded me of all there is to gain in life once recovered."

Are you ready to turn things around for 2015? You can learn more about my Beyond Surviving program here, but more importantly, leave a comment for Melissa letting her know what you got from her story.

Wishing You a Happy Holiday and New Year!

Hello my lovely community of family, friends, colleagues, and clients (wow, that’s a mouthful)!

As 2014 is coming to an end, I’d like to share a little bit about what’s happened for me this year and also share a bit of what I’m envisioning for 2015!

I’m more committed than ever to working with survivors who are sick and tired of feeling broken and unfixable and who are ready to let go of the pain of abuse and finally feel normal. If I can be of help to you or anyone you know, the best first step is my Discover Your Genuine Self session.

It’s hard to believe that one year ago I was let go from a part-time job and it was in that moment that I decided, “Now’s the time to give my all to coaching!” I was certainly scared and wondering if I could really make a go of coaching full-time, but I’m happy to say that this past year has been amazing and wonderful – I couldn’t be happier!

Following are some of the amazing things that I achieved in 2014 with all of my new “free time”:

• Over 50 people have completed the Beyond Surviving Program this year and are now doing amazing things like starting new businesses, getting engaged, having great sex, traveling, speaking out about healing, and feeling more confident, powerful, and whole.
• I launched a podcast AND radio show!!
• I did 11 trainings with non-profits in the Bay Area -- such a great opportunity to connect with other providers and share with them what I’ve learned about working with survivors.
• I did my first professional video shoot.
• I delivered many teleseminars and got to collaborate with some amazing folks like David Pittman, Ryan West, Xanet Pailet, Ben Rode, Jori Nunes, Kristen Kancler, Natalie Foresythe and many more. 
• I sold another 150 copies of my guidebook.
• I delivered the first ever Beyond Surviving Workshop for survivors and launched the inaugural Beyond Surviving Virtual Group program.

As for my personal life, I fell in love with yoga, fell back in love with camping, fell in love with a wonderful man, accepted my love of reality TV…finally (Hell’s Kitchen, Project Runway, The Voice!), and spent much of my time with friends and family. In other words – I experienced lots of love this year!

Looking to 2015, I am super stoked! Here’s what I’ve got in mind for the New Year:

• Beyond Surviving Virtual groups: one for men and one for women;
• Developing a new self-led program with audio trainings to accompany the guidebook;
• Developing teleseminars to address important areas of recovery like trusting, experiencing anger, ending self-harm, fighting triggers, and facing fears (Have any suggestions for others? I’d love to hear from you!);
• … and even more!

Most importantly, I want you to know that I couldn't have done any of it without your amazing and ongoing support. I’m in an incredible community and hope that you have been touched, inspired, and healed by something we shared this year.

So, with deep gratitude, my wish for you is that your holiday and 2015 are filled with joy, love, laughter, and strength.

With much love,

 

100 miles + 70mph + Amazing People + Protecting Children = 1 Fabulous Day!

I had the great pleasure recently of riding with the Silicon Valley & Santa Cruz chapters of Bikers Against Child Abuse for their annual 100 Mile Ride to raise awareness and money for the organization.

It was a beautiful day and I'm honored to be amongst these men and women who are giving their time, energy, and talents to make sure that children feel safe, empowered, and able to heal.

Check out the ride and what BACA members have to say about why they are a part of the organization!

Learn more about how you can get involved or donate!


With love and gratitude,

Rachel 

Coming Out of the Closet

When I saw this video, I just knew I had to share it with you all. The amazing Ash Beckham talks about the "closets" we hide out in -- which she breaks down as the hard conversations we avoid.

As survivors of abuse, we hide. We hold back. We struggle to express ourselves, to ask for what we need -- particularly because we perceive a threat and so shut down, resulting in dire consequences for our body on emotional, neurological, and biological levels.

Take it from Ash -- "hard is hard" -- we all have things we have to say that are difficult. I love that she and I share a particular perspective that our hurts are not comparable or quantifiable. Every hurt matters to the same degree.

My favorite part is when she shares some great tips for how we can have those hard conversations that everything in us wants to avoid but that will bring the most reward at the end of the day. She calls it:

3 Pancake Girl Principles

#1 Be authentic, be real

#2 Be direct, just say it, rip the band-aid off -- don't be vague

#3 Be unapologetic about who you are -- never apologize for speaking your truth

So, I welcome you to be authentic here, be real, say it straight, and be unapologetic.

What's the hard thing you need to say?

How to Cope with Eating Through the Holidays-Part 3

This week, we wrap up our series with the wonderful Kristen Kancler in which she shares with us how love, safety, and belonging are key to making the changes we want to make.

Also be sure to check out her free gift, “6 Simple Recipes to Satisfy Your Sweet Tooth – Without Sugar!”

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Self-Sabotage

During the 20 years that I struggled with emotional and compulsive eating, there were a lot of ups and down.

Mostly downs, with some fleeting ups interspersed. It really is a difficult place to be. There’s so much involved: how you feel in your body, how you feel about yourself, how you hold yourself back from what you really want.

Through it all, there was one thing that frustrated me more than anything else:

That even though I knew what to do, I still wasn’t doing it.

Why do we do that? Why do we stop ourselves from having what we really want? Why don’t we just get out of our own way and allow ourselves to have what we know is possible for us?

I shared some essential points for transforming your relationship with food and your body in my first two posts. In the first post, I shared that what you eat matters, and that bringing your body into balance is one of the most important things you can do to free yourself from the struggle. In the second post, I spoke to the huge emotional/psychological component that is underneath your cravings and gave you a tool to use to help you through those trigger moments.

There are hundreds of methodologies and tools and practices that will help you lessen, or even disappear the struggle and find peace with food. Maybe you know of some. Maybe you’ve tried them. Maybe you’ve found a level of success or maybe you’ve failed miserably.

But it doesn’t matter how powerful and healing the solution is if you’re not actually able to do it.

Even if you know exactly what to do, and you have it all laid out for you, it’s possible that you still won’t do it. In fact, you’re likely going to have noble intentions… and end up making the same old choices.

Self-sabotage strikes again.

And there is a reason for that. You see, there’s your conscious mind, that has a goal and sees the path and has it all planned out – eat whole foods, balance your blood sugar, feel your emotions when they come up, use the SAFE method when you’re triggered.

You’ve got your plan, you’re inspired to put it into action, and then all these other things start getting in the way – i.e. “life” starts happening.

All sorts of reasons and excuses start to come up: “I’m too tired,” “I’m too busy, I just don’t have the time,” “I’ll start tomorrow,” “I totally forgot!”

And you get frustrated and upset because you should be able to do it. You have a plan, you’re a smart, dedicated woman who’s deeply committed to being healthy!

But there’s also your subconscious mind. As much as your conscious mind likes to think that it’s in charge, your subconscious mind is actually running 95% of the show. And your subconscious mind sees change as a threat.

So no matter how amazing your plan is, you won’t be able to follow it unless you address the underlying reason you’re staying stuck.

Each of us has unique programming that was formed when you were young, that tells you when it’s okay to go forward, and when it’s not.

And it all comes back to your three basic human needs: Love, Safety, Belonging. In other words, you have beliefs around what you need to be, do, or have in order to feel like you are loved, safe, and like you belong.

And these beliefs have gotten you to where you are now. Your current way of being is keeping you safe in your belief system.

And as you reach for what you want (whether that’s eating better, exercising more, taking time for yourself, or losing weight)… these things are somehow, in some way, outside of your current belief system for love, safety, and belonging. And so your beliefs start pulling you back to what is safe and familiar.

I want you to really get this.

Your current default eating habits exist for a reason. You created yourself and your situation perfectly, based on what you believe for yourself in order to have love, safety, and belonging in tact.

And doing anything differently that might give you a different way of being, is not aligned with keeping love, safety, and belonging in tact.

Your programming and subconscious beliefs about what you need to do, be, or have to keep the feelings of love, safety, and belonging in tact are taking over!

One of my clients came to me saying that one of the things that she wanted was to lose weight and shine her light. But as we worked together, we uncovered an underlying fear that if she loses weight and shines her light, well, shining her light will attract attention. She’ll start getting noticed by men and because of a very traumatic incident in her past, getting that attention feels incredibly unsafe for her.

It lived for her like a dangerous inner conflict on a subconscious level. She wasn’t even aware that this was happening, but the underlying belief was, “If I lose weight, I won’t be safe.”

Until she was able to feel safe, at a subconscious level, she just wasn’t going to be able to make the changes in her life that she knew she had to make. And she wasn’t going to release the weight!

So if you don’t shift your beliefs, then your subconscious mind will find creative ways to stop you from losing weight.

And that can look like a binge, that can look like living out your same patterns, and that can look like, “I’m too tired,” “I’m too busy, I just don’t have the time,” “I’ll start tomorrow,” “I totally forgot!”

Sound familiar?

In order to change your habits and your relationship with food, you have to shift your beliefs around love, safety, and belonging, so that they align with what you want. So they don’t hold you back.

Basically, your subconscious mind has to be on board.

So you can stop beating yourself up for not being able to follow through on what you know to it. It’s not your fault! Your subconscious mind is just trying to keep you safe.

If you want to learn more, I’ll be sharing how you can get your subconscious mind on board and move powerfully toward freedom on Rachel’s upcoming radio show (December 9th at 6pm PST ) about 4 Simple Ways to End Emotional Eating and Enjoy the Holidays Without Sacrificing Your Waistline!
 
Mark your calendars and tune in here on December 9th at 6pm PST!


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Kristen Anne Kancler is an Emotional Eating Expert and the founder of “Your Delicious Life,” a one-on-one program for women who daydream about how fabulous they’ll feel once they get their eating under control but end up on the couch with a pint of ice cream.

By getting to the root of what creates your sabotaging patterns, she works with you, personally, to help you put down the spoon… wave goodbye to “I’ll be better tomorrow”… and say, “YES!” to a delicious life – today.

Former Health and Wellness Editor for Glam Media, graduate of UC Santa Barbara and the Natural Gourmet Institute for Health in Manhattan, and reformed pastry chef, Kristen is a role model for healthy eating and living a delicious lifestyle.

After struggling with diets, compulsive eating, and sugar addiction for 20 years, she finally found the answers she needed to find peace with food, feel healthy in her body, and fall deeply and sweetly in love with her life.

How to Cope with Eating Through the Holidays -Part 2

This week, we continue our series with the wonderful Kristen Kancler in which she shares with us how we can be SAFE around food. If you missed last week's post, check it out here.  

Also be sure to check out her free gift, “6 Simple Recipes to Satisfy Your Sweet Tooth – Without Sugar!”

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Navigating Trigger Situations

Thanksgiving, the most notorious day for overeating, is just a few days away. And with it, the holiday season will be official.

Whether you’ll be hosting for others, traveling to them, dining with dozens of family members, or celebrating solo, chances are you’ll be faced with a multitude of emotions.

Perhaps you’ll feel joy and excitement. Maybe stress and overwhelm. Maybe sadness.

For many of us, and survivors of sexual abuse in particular, these emotions can trigger a compulsion to eat. And you end up feeling out of control, seeking comfort from your food.

In my first post of this series, I shared one of the most powerful things you can do to feel balanced and in control.

But being in control isn’t just about knowing what to eat. It’s also necessary to look at why you’re eating. What’s going on that you’re turning to food for comfort?

These answers are deeper inside; they’re underneath your cravings.

A large part of the work I do with my clients is helping you get in tune with your emotions on an ongoing basis so that you’re actually in the world differently and able to move through situations with grace and ease.

But I think the most powerful tip I can give you right now is for how to deal with the in-the-moment trigger situations.

After looking closely at how I’ve successfully navigated my own trigger situations, I came up with a 4-step process (plus an acronym to help you remember it):

This is my SAFE – which is great because that’s what you most need to feel when you’re triggered.
 
Step 1: S = Surroundings

Change them. Pull over the car. Get out of the kitchen. Step outside. Changing your environment snaps your brain out of the one-way train it was on and suddenly has to take in new input from new surroundings. The first thing you need to do to interrupt the pattern is change your surroundings. 

Step 2: A = Arrive

Be in the new space. Take a minute just to land, and get present. This is really a crucial step. 

Step 3: F = Feel

Allow yourself to feel what’s there. What just happened? What’s going on? How are you feeling? Are you angry? Disappointed or stressed? This is the thing you’re wanting to eat over. And sometimes just naming the emotion can be a huge relief. 

Step 4: E = Explore

Ask yourself: “What do I really need?” (And I’ll give you a hint: it’s not a cookie). Maybe you need to take a deep breath. Maybe you need to have a good cry. Maybe something really upsetting just happened. Maybe you need to laugh – you’ve been stressed all day and need some lightness in your life. Take 2 minutes to yourself. More if you can.

 
It makes all the difference going through this process, getting out of the triggered moment and tapped in to your emotions.

A lot of the women I work with have disconnected from their feelings. They brush them aside, laugh them off, or put on a front because it’s scary and uncomfortable to feel what’s really going on inside.

But here’s something that I really want you to get: the only thing your feeling wants is to be felt. So when you brush it aside or bury it, it doesn’t go away, it gets stronger.

And you have to eat more and more to keep it quiet. That’s why it’s so important to feel your feelings. So you can move through them and let them go.

One of my clients came to me feeling stressed and overwhelmed at work. She didn’t feel confident and she found that she was triggered and turning to food to calm herself down.

She started practicing the SAFE exercise as a tool to deal with things in the moment. She started to feel more in control, which was great! And then we did an exercise (which I’ll share with you in my next post) to find where the lack of confidence and overwhelm originated from. We discovered that it went back to an incident when she was really young, and the thing that was missing in her life was play!

So she started painting on the weekends and found that it opened her mind, sparked her creativity, and her flow.

She was able to tap in to her intuition, learn to trust herself, and let go of trying so hard to prove herself all the time.

Her life opened up in an entirely new way and she felt more confident than she had in years. And doing that released her need to turn to food because she wasn’t stressed out all the time.

She was able to bring balance to her life and trust that she has all the answers she needs inside.

Healing emotional eating is a layered process. There are many aspects to it. Some great places to start are by balancing your body with these 3 steps, trying some of my favorite recipes (download my free e-book, “6 Simple Recipes to Satisfy Your Sweet Tooth – Without Sugar!”) and following my SAFE process when you’re triggered.

With these tips, you can have a completely new – and empowered holiday season.

In my final post next week, I’ll be diving into self-sabotage. You’ll learn what’s really happening – and what you need to do to finally follow through and transform your relationship with food and your body. Stay tuned!

To get your copy of “6 Simple Recipes to Satisfy Your Sweet Tooth – Without Sugar!” go to www.kristenkancler.com and be sure to come back next week to learn more!


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Kristen Anne Kancler is an Emotional Eating Expert and the founder of “Your Delicious Life,” a one-on-one program for women who daydream about how fabulous they’ll feel once they get their eating under control but end up on the couch with a pint of ice cream.

By getting to the root of what creates your sabotaging patterns, she works with you, personally, to help you put down the spoon… wave goodbye to “I’ll be better tomorrow”… and say, “YES!” to a delicious life – today.

Former Health and Wellness Editor for Glam Media, graduate of UC Santa Barbara and the Natural Gourmet Institute for Health in Manhattan, and reformed pastry chef, Kristen is a role model for healthy eating and living a delicious lifestyle.

After struggling with diets, compulsive eating, and sugar addiction for 20 years, she finally found the answers she needed to find peace with food, feel healthy in her body, and fall deeply and sweetly in love with her life.

How to Cope with Eating Through the Holidays -Part 1

Oh man, am I ever excited to be bringing this next series to you! Written by the fabulous Kristen Kancler, who is not only an amazing woman, but also a gifted and caring Emotional Eating Expert. I know you are going to get so much from what she has to share with us! Be sure to check out her free gift, “6 Simple Recipes to Satisfy Your Sweet Tooth – Without Sugar!”

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Nourishing Your Body (With Food and Love)

As someone who struggled with food and her body for 20 years, I know how difficult it is to eat healthy and feel good – especially during the holidays. My desire is for you to enter the holiday season feeling empowered that you can enjoy the holidays feeling healthy and vibrant!

I’ve put together some of the tips and mindset shifts that have helped me the most, and that have helped my clients with their own transformations. May they serve you, too.

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My eating disorder began immediately after the abuse.

Feeling completely out of control, I focused on the one thing I knew I could control: what I ate.

I started eating like a bird and looking at my belly every day in the mirror, judging how I felt about myself by how small my waist was. It started out innocently enough, I just wasn’t eating much for a while. I was pretty thin to begin with, just 12 years old, so I didn’t have much weight to spare. The smaller I got, the better I felt.

But I remember looking in the mirror one day and saw that I was the thinnest I had been since this whole thing began. And instead of feeling excited as I usually did – I felt terrified. I was shocked at what I saw in the mirror.

“Wait a second – I just wanted to lose a few pounds… I didn’t want to be dangerously thin.”
 
I remember, quite vividly, heart racing, running out to the kitchen, throwing myself on the floor, and opening the cupboard.

“EAT,” I told myself.

I found a box of Triscuits and shoved a few in my mouth. But to my dismay, I couldn’t eat more than that. I had no appetite. I thought I would be starving for food, but it repulsed me.

And somewhere, hidden just underneath the fear and disappointment, was a glimmer of joy. A very twisted joy. The realization hit that I had full command of my body – and of my ability to punish and starve myself.

Something was born in me at that moment: I learned how to hate myself.

I felt powerful. In control.

I continued to starve myself until I broke, about a year later. What followed were 20 years of bulimia, dieting, and compulsive eating, trying desperately to not eat, binging when I couldn’t go on, and purging any way I could.

My journey to healing was a long one, with many twists and turns along the way. I did a lot of inner work with psychiatrist, psychologists, therapists, and holistic healers.

Over time, I began to love myself, slowly but surely. I stopped a lot of my destructive behaviors: binge drinking, smoking, drugs… I started caring for myself more, and being good to my body.

But the one thing I didn’t seem to be able to do was to eat well. I tried to eat healthier. I tried being vegan and vegetarian, I tried eating more salads, I ate low-fat/low-calorie foods, and I tried any diet I could get my hands on to get my food under control.

It wasn’t until I cleaned up my diet and discovered how to balance my blood sugar that everything started to fall into place. And once I learned about my body’s physiology, and how dieting was setting me up to fail, I was finally free from the destructive cycles of binging and hating myself.

Balancing your blood sugar is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself. And as you enter the holidays, when cravings and binges can get out of control, it’s more important than ever.

Here’s how to bring your body into balance in 3 simple steps:
 
1.    In every meal and snack, be sure to include:

Quality protein (meat, fish, chicken, turkey, Greek yogurt)
Healthy fats (avocado, extra virgin olive oil, nuts, seeds)
Complex carbs (whole grains – brown rice, quinoa, whole wheat, fruits and veg)

2.    Eat every 3-4 hours

3.    Distribute your calories equally throughout the day

These 3 things are critical – and, this is a guideline. The specifics are different for each person depending on your tastes and preferences, needs, and what your body responds to. For some delicious recipes to get you started, download my free e-book, “6 Simple Recipes to Satisfy Your Sweet Tooth – Without Sugar!”

When I work with my private clients, I give customized recipes to help you nourish your body, balance your blood sugar, and feel in control. We see how your body responds by having you really tune in and connect to your body and your intuition.

For one of my clients, this is one of the most transformational things we’ve done together. She came to me addicted to sugar, feeling trapped and burdened.

One of her biggest goals in working with me was for her body to start craving healthy food. She said that would be a miracle.

After working together for just a couple of months, eating healthy, balanced meals, and experiencing a remarkable shift in her relationship with food and her body, in one of our sessions, she said, “I feel like a grown up eating good and on purpose and I want to!”

Her sugar cravings are gone and she’s released about 25lbs so far.

But the freedom she now has to make healthy choices that are aligned with her goals and what she wants for herself and the healthy lifestyle she’s embraced, has given her an ease and lightness that she brings to her entire life.

To get your copy of “6 Simple Recipes to Satisfy Your Sweet Tooth – Without Sugar!” go to www.kristenkancler.com and be sure to come back next week to learn more!


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Kristen Anne Kancler is an Emotional Eating Expert and the founder of “Your Delicious Life,” a one-on-one program for women who daydream about how fabulous they’ll feel once they get their eating under control but end up on the couch with a pint of ice cream.

By getting to the root of what creates your sabotaging patterns, she works with you, personally, to help you put down the spoon… wave goodbye to “I’ll be better tomorrow”… and say, “YES!” to a delicious life – today.

Former Health and Wellness Editor for Glam Media, graduate of UC Santa Barbara and the Natural Gourmet Institute for Health in Manhattan, and reformed pastry chef, Kristen is a role model for healthy eating and living a delicious lifestyle.

After struggling with diets, compulsive eating, and sugar addiction for 20 years, she finally found the answers she needed to find peace with food, feel healthy in her body, and fall deeply and sweetly in love with her life.

A Beyond Survivor's Story: Poetic Healer and Spiritual Survival-Part 3

This week, we finish our series with poet, author, and survivor, Dolores Miller.

I hope you have been touched and inspired by this Beautiful Warrior! 

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While studying spirituality, I have opened my mind to all religions and philosophies throughout time and regardless of how each refers to its God. If someone needs my help, I don’t have to know what religion he or she is. I’ll respect another person’s beliefs just as I expect him or her to respect mine. The important thing is to get to the truth by every means possible. People have to have courage to face what they fear. Courage and perseverance to stay on the path of healing are imperative. I believe I can help people find their courage and that I can support them in working towards a truthful solution.
 
I developed an attitude of never giving up no matter what. After I healed, I had more compassion for others. It’s part of what is called post-traumatic growth. A person who goes through a difficult situation and survives is re-formed. I feel a calling to share what I have accomplished with others, a calling to minister to their pain and get them past all that holds them back the way my therapist and others helped me.

To learn more about ministry, I am in the second year of study with the American Institute of Theology and Philosophy. I’m taking a five-year course. Just as Emily Dickinson and Edgar Allan Poe are my favorite poets, I am drawn to individual theologians and ministers I have encounter in my studies. One is Dr. Wayne Dyer, whose philosophy is to have faith in the universe and to be positive. Another is Rabbi Harold Kushner’s book, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People,” written at the time the rabbi’s three-year old-son was diagnosed with a degenerative disease.
 
There was a time I was angry at God. I would write Him long letters expressing my disgust at unfairness, injustice, and the pain of getting through some passages in life. I wrote a poem called Dance of Anger that railed against injustice and advocated fighting for the truth. Rabbi Kushner’s book helped me regulate my feelings. It counseled to be strong. It also said anger is okay and that it is natural to question God.
 
I can also be positive by showing how I thrive as a survivor, by talking about strength and determination, about fighting and acknowledging, and about developing the courage of a warrior.

Concentrating on how to be positive keeps things calm in personal relationships. I tend to speak my mind. By thinking before I speak, I can take a more positive approach to a situation. I don’t have to be scolding or angry. I can present a matter in a way that is considerate and leads to healing rather than bruised feelings or bitterness.

My involvement with The Support Center for Child Advocates began as suddenly as my writing did.

Twelve years ago, as I was thinking seriously about how to direct my anger in a positive way, I drove down 19th Street in Philadelphia and saw the Child Advocates building. I had passed it many times, but on this day it caught my attention. I felt that getting involved with an organization that helped children who find themselves in situations like mine, or in situations worse than mine, was the move I had to make.

I called the Child Advocates office and told my story and how I survived the memories of abuse and the feeling that I would go insane from it, or even end my life. I also asked how I could help.

I was told how my support could help get children out of houses where they were unsafe, how it could help get lawyers to fight custody and other battles a child cannot do, how I can help make lawmakers aware of the extent of sexual and other forms of abuse — all abuse — and advocate for stricter laws and longer jail sentences for people who severely harm children physically and psychologically.

Nonprofit organizations need people who will take a leadership role. I was ready

to step in and do anything I was asked. The work of Child Advocates is so important. It’s not only dear to my heart. It concentrates on the exact things I want to accomplish to keep children from danger and to deter child abuse and the trafficking of human beings.

I am involved with other groups, such as Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse and the Million March Against Child Abuse (MMACA). I have worked to get Erin’s Law and Dominic’s Law passed in Pennsylvania. Both of these laws increase the consequences and penalties of child abuse.

Each year, Child Advocates has several events to spread awareness of its mission and raise funds to continue it. Their missions is "To advocate for victims of child abuse and neglect with the goal of securing safety, justice, well-being and a permanent, nurturing environment for every child."   In addition to helping the Support Center for Child Advocates in planning for their reception and auction, I ask friends to buy advertising in the event program, to donate a high-end good or service, and to buy a ticket and attend. More information can be learned by going online to www.advokid.org or calling 267-546-9200.

Other Child Advocate initiatives that ask the public for wide support are a golf tournament and a toy drive, in which I play a big part by asking my friends to donate toys for children who may otherwise go without holiday presents.

While poetry remains my main form of expression, I always write essays, but I find myself writing more in prose than previously.

I am also writing a book about a childhood friend of mine, Anthony, who passed away from cancer at age 22. Anthony and his sister, Mary Anna, represent the good things that happened as I was growing up. Anthony was three years younger than Mary Ann and me, but he would stay with us as we played. I would go to Anthony’s and Mary Ann’s every day. I practically lived there. We played school and other games. My mother made nun’s outfits for Mary Ann and me, and we would put them on and make Anthony our pupil.

I was sad to learn that at age 19, Anthony was diagnosed with bone cancer. He lost a leg before he succumbed to the disease when he was 22. I couldn’t go to the funeral. I was too upset. I visited Mary Ann and her parents, but we were all so devastated.

I wanted to write about the good part of my childhood. I also felt Anthony’s spirit during my healing. He has become an angel to me, and I want to tell the story of a good person who had a sad end.

One touching part of Anthony’s last days was his marriage. He was dating girl, a young woman, before he became ill. She stayed with him through the years that led to his death. A few days before he died, she married him. I think that is love.

Love is one of my healing messages. I am sincere in wanting to help others to face dilemmas parallel to mine. I believe I was able to overcome my ordeal so I can be of use to others.
 
I got through it all and when the memories of sexual abuse came to me, all of the therapy, all of the negativity, all of the fear, including the biggest ones of insanity or suicide, I can lead others towards the same positive resolution.

I am a happy woman now. I can get angry over the past, but I know I have something even better, a present AND a future. Rather than being lost in the pain I suffered decades ago, I can enjoy my children, my son and daughter, Larry and Michele, who stood by me and wrote me letters of encouragement when I was in a state of mental torture. I can enjoy their children, my Ella and Lilly and Victoria and Alex, who entertain me so wonderfully and show me the joy of an untainted childhood. Most of all, I can continue the great relationship I have with my husband, Larry, who did all he could to bring me to where I am today and never wavered in his support or love.
 
Nothing can scare me now. I have faced every category of fear and conquered it. As I’ve said and will keep saying, truth is the key. People who fool themselves or say everything is all right when they know it isn’t suffer needlessly. They only have to confront the truth, and they will heal. It may take time and perseverance, but they will heal, as I did.
 
To help others, I will write, speak to groups, and be active with others who want to make life better in general. I was healed by truth, combined with faith and the love of my family and the warrior spirit. If I can help one person find my contentment and happiness, I am here to provide that help.


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Dolores M. Miller is a poet and author living in Philadelphia, PA. Dolores lives with her Knight in Shining armor, Larry, and together they have two grown children. Their four grandchildren are a source of joy and inspiration.

Dolores is a compassionate, giving and loving person. In her writing she strives to convey the message of the human spirit to overcome adversity, see the beauty of nature and know God’s healing love.

Dolores is also grateful for having had parents who adopted her out of a horrific situation. She is a survivor of childhood abuse. She says “there are so many children who are in abusive homes for most of their lives. Making a difference through my work is rewarding and a source of beauty, love and healing for the community… and the world”.
 The Support Center for Child Advocates has a special place in her heart. For all the children committed to the care of Child Advocates, they work to ensure safety, health, education, family permanency and access to justice.

Each book sold, benefits the Support Center for Child Advocates of Philadelphia. The Support Center for Child Advocates provides legal assistance and social service advocacy to abused children. The mission of Child Advocates is to advocate for victims of child abuse and neglect in Philadelphia with the goal of securing a permanent, nurturing environment for every child. They seek to protect children by securing social services, finding alternative homes and helping them testify in court against their abusers.
 
Dolores dreams of a better world and strives to make a difference, especially in the lives of children. Dolores was adopted out of a terrible situation and she can’t imagine living her entire life in that environment. Child advocates seeks to better the lives of those in danger.
 
By purchasing books from the Beautiful Warrior you are providing support to the children and those in need – allowing Dolores to continue in her great works. Books may be purchased through www.beautifulwarrior.com, Amazon.com, or Barnes and Noble.

A Beyond Survivor's Story: Poetic Healer and Spiritual Survival-Part 2

This week, we continue our series with poet, author, and survivor, Dolores Miller.

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“Quiet Desperation” reveals several themes that appear throughout my written work— the quest for truth, the concept of boundaries, the limits of which need to be tested, the suffering people live with because it’s so difficult to face it, the idea of helping others, and a spiritual message that involves prayer.
 
Writing became the catalyst that let me explain all I had been through and was going through. Even now, I observe something, and an image emerges. Words come. It happened recently when I saw a woman who looked comfortable enough but who had a miserable expression on her face and was obviously looking down at the people around her. I thought, "She's a snow queen," and wrote a poem about the cold in her heart and my hope that it thaws so she can enjoy and appreciate her life and the people around her.

Truth is where I aim. My poems are a means for me to get to the truth about my experience and what it took to heal from it.

I've learned the truth of a situation may be negative, but not all has to be expressed negatively, that it's better when you reach a plateau of understanding and can use the truth in a positive way.

The objective is to get past the hate and the hurt and move on with life. I went through 20 years off and on when I believed I would go insane or it would have been easier to die because the pain and rage and other emotions hurt so much.

I keep pushing forward. With all this going on I still pushed to be a good mom. I wrote a letter to my children, my son and daughter, telling them how hard I know it must have been for them when I could barely get out of bed, when I took them places but had to retreat to my car to be alone and fight my battle, when I was fighting fatigue, and was so scared about the toll my struggles might take. I cried. I screamed. I went through an array of emotions. The healing process is not easy, but it must begin. I had total support from my husband and children. Like a true warrior, I never gave up. I had a good therapist who, now that she’s finished working with me professionally, has become a friend. But I needed to deal with what happened when I was a child. I needed to admit to myself all that I’d hidden from myself for 30 years. Writing was one means towards that.
 
Another was anger. Anger is a form of truth. It’s a reaction to truth. It was another thing that I had to get past to heal completely. It was also a motivator. It was anger and betrayal I had to express most, and one of the first lessons I learned was emotions are nothing you should be afraid of no matter how strong or painful they are and how they manifest themselves. Men are taught they shouldn’t cry. Women are taught they should control emotions and not show them. Both are wrong. You should deal with any emotion that comes to you. Eventually you have to find a way to take the emotion and make it positive, working on your behalf. Face the truth and move on, and you’ll be happier and stronger.
 
Confronting fear is one way I healed. I am afraid of nothing now. I went through anger, hurt, and sadness. By persevering, I was able to accept what happened and move on. Letting go and moving is for the survivor’s sake. It will never change what happened to me or make it ‘OK’, but one must go forward.

MY healing process not only started my writing, but it increased my spirituality. Faith helped me immensely in getting past memories that were sometimes paralyzing.
 
I believe angels, and particularly St. Michael the Archangel, helped me deal with my experience. I even saw St. Michael once. I remember his gold wings with the silver tips. I would feel him with me a number of times. I believe it was St. Michael who made it so I could suppress my horror at being abused until I could deal with it as an adult. Out of love, and with no knowledge of the abuse I suffered, my parents adopted me. I went on to have a happy childhood with my new Daddy and Mommy, and I never had to express any sad or negative thoughts because they came much later. When they came, they were like boulders on my heart, but I was older and had more understanding, and I had people around me who supported me in my delicate mental state.
 
Part of healing is getting to be happy within your own being. Dr. Carter, my psychologist, and I began and continue to sign correspondence with four A’s that have become a symbol and a bond between us. The A’s stand for Admiration, Affection, Appreciation and Always. I take them to heart. They are part of my being. Working with my therapist, I began being hopeful. I concentrated on hope and love and being aware of the strength that is in all of us. I began seeing what I needed to do to and set about doing it. Life took on a wonderful new meaning. Realizing it also increased my spirituality.
 
The symbol of my inner strength became the Beautiful Warrior. I saw her in my mind. She was riding on her golden horse. The image has meaning to me. It not only meant strength but courage and the fearlessness to move forward. I have always admired Native American culture, and I was warmed by the vision of the Native American woman that came to me.


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Dolores M. Miller is a poet and author living in Philadelphia, PA. Dolores lives with her Knight in Shining armor, Larry, and together they have two grown children. Their four grandchildren are a source of joy and inspiration.

Dolores is a compassionate, giving and loving person. In her writing she strives to convey the message of the human spirit to overcome adversity, see the beauty of nature and know God’s healing love.

Dolores is also grateful for having had parents who adopted her out of a horrific situation. She is a survivor of childhood abuse. She says “there are so many children who are in abusive homes for most of their lives. Making a difference through my work is rewarding and a source of beauty, love and healing for the community… and the world”.
 The Support Center for Child Advocates has a special place in her heart. For all the children committed to the care of Child Advocates, they work to ensure safety, health, education, family permanency and access to justice.

Each book sold, benefits the Support Center for Child Advocates of Philadelphia. The Support Center for Child Advocates provides legal assistance and social service advocacy to abused children. The mission of Child Advocates is to advocate for victims of child abuse and neglect in Philadelphia with the goal of securing a permanent, nurturing environment for every child. They seek to protect children by securing social services, finding alternative homes and helping them testify in court against their abusers.
 
Dolores dreams of a better world and strives to make a difference, especially in the lives of children. Dolores was adopted out of a terrible situation and she can’t imagine living her entire life in that environment. Child advocates seeks to better the lives of those in danger.
 
By purchasing books from the Beautiful Warrior you are providing support to the children and those in need – allowing Dolores to continue in her great works. Books may be purchased through www.beautifulwarrior.com, Amazon.com, or Barnes and Noble.

A Beyond Survivor's Story: Poetic Healer and Spiritual Survival - Part 1

So, I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am for this upcoming series with poet, author, and survivor, Dolores Miller. I know you will be inspired and encouraged by her powerful story, journey, and writing!


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I began writing poetry as a psychological release. I did not plan to write poetry, or to write at all, but as I was going through therapy to cope with suppressed memories of childhood sexual abuse. It was affecting my adult life and writing became the outlet through which I could best express my raw, often angry, emotions, and it turns out that poetry was the form that best fit my thoughts.
 
Poems just came to me. I would be thinking about my situation, about all that was welling up in me and in between therapy sessions, and a poem would form. A random thought would suggest a title, and I would sit down and write. Since dealing with my past pain, I become more spiritual. A picture of St. Michael, the archangel, occupies a prominent place in my kitchen. St Michael helped me through stress and protected me in many ways as I endured the horrors of child abuse. I also became attuned to Native American culture and named one collection of poems, “Beautiful Warrior,” a term I use to refer to myself.

Most of all, I have become a student of world religions and am working to receive credentials so I can be a spiritual minister to people experiencing ordeals similar to mine, or as intense and be ready to help others who need guidance and compassion to listen to their expressions of distress.

As a child, I saved my life by repressing the horrific experiences until I was ready to deal with them as an adult. Even with being more mature, it was hard. It took the strength of a Warrior; I saved my life by always pushing through even though there were times I thought it would be easier to die. If I can heal

from everything that caused me such anguish when the memory of child abuse occurred, others can heal. From my heart, I want to give hope to others. Everyone has his or her own way of getting through a situation. First, you have to find the truth and to confront it no matter how difficult it is. Then you have to deal with anger and other emotions that arise. These are real and they have to be dealt with and moved from a negative force that limits you to a positive force that puts matters in perspective and sets you on the road to healing. For me, the process took almost 20 years. I no longer need therapy sessions because I have come to grips with what I faced and I am a survivor. I don’t dwell on what happened. I take pride in what I’ve come through and focus on that. That is what healing is about. If I, through my understanding, my compassion, and my belief in the strength of the spirit can help another human being get through the hell I experienced, I feel a calling to do that. Writing was my catalyst. Poetry allowed me to name and express what I was thinking and feeling. Other people will heal in a different way. I am aware of that, and since I am aware of that, I put myself in a position to help and am training so I have all the tools necessary to help.”

I have taken an activist stand, as both an advocate and a donor, to Child Advocates, a Philadelphia-based non-profit that uses its resources to secure lawyers and counselors for children who live or have lived in an abusive situations including sex trades and human trafficking. Spreading awareness about child abuse and petitioning legislatures for laws that protect children and severely punish offenders. Having fundraisers for Child Advocates and giving generously to its annual fund. I am now the author of two books, “Beautiful Warrior” and “Rising Above: The Beauty of Life”. Proceeds from my books are donated to the support center for child advocates. In honor of my mother, who succumbed to a 16-year battle against breast cancer, I work actively to support education and research pertaining to that disease. In support of a close friend and a dear cousin, I also contribute to help people with multiple sclerosis. Helping others heals me.

I was in my thirties when I began having nightmares and visions of sexual abuse. I realized these came from my childhood. My parents adopted me. They raised me. They rescued me. It took me years to realize from what they rescued me.

A poem like "Quiet Desperation," tells what I learned from my ordeal. In it, I write "people are afraid to face the truth and end up, drinking it away, pilling it away, pretending it away, and denying it away." As you've heard, the poem goes on to say "reality" is still there, like a silent storm ready to erupt. Truth is the only way to get free of the pain and fear being encountered. My poem ends by offering "silent prayers of mercy."


QUIET DESPERATION

There are people
who live in quiet
Desperation.

Acting like it is normal.
Afraid to face the truth,
Drinking it away...
Pilling it away..
Pretending it away...
Denying it away...

But it is still there,
Like a silent storm
Ready to erupt....

UNTIL they let the TRUTH free they
WILL LIVE QUIET AND
DESPERATE...DESPITE
The Pain,
   The Fear,
  AND MOSTLY the SADNESS!

DEAR GOD  I PRAY! HELP THEM!

And as I watch them I whisper
Silent prayers of Mercy
From you dear LORD.

QUIET DESPERATION!


 

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Dolores M. Miller is a poet and author living in Philadelphia, PA. Dolores lives with her Knight in Shining armor, Larry, and together they have two grown children. Their four grandchildren are a source of joy and inspiration.

Dolores is a compassionate, giving and loving person. In her writing she strives to convey the message of the human spirit to overcome adversity, see the beauty of nature and know God’s healing love.

Dolores is also grateful for having had parents who adopted her out of a horrific situation. She is a survivor of childhood abuse. She says “there are so many children who are in abusive homes for most of their lives. Making a difference through my work is rewarding and a source of beauty, love and healing for the community… and the world”.

The Support Center for Child Advocates has a special place in her heart. For all the children committed to the care of Child Advocates, they work to ensure safety, health, education, family permanency and access to justice.

Each book sold, benefits the Support Center for Child Advocates of Philadelphia. The Support Center for Child Advocates provides legal assistance and social service advocacy to abused children. The mission of Child Advocates is to advocate for victims of child abuse and neglect in Philadelphia with the goal of securing a permanent, nurturing environment for every child. They seek to protect children by securing social services, finding alternative homes and helping them testify in court against their abusers.
 
Dolores dreams of a better world and strives to make a difference, especially in the lives of children. Dolores was adopted out of a terrible situation and she can’t imagine living her entire life in that environment. Child advocates seeks to better the lives of those in danger.
 
By purchasing books from the Beautiful Warrior you are providing support to the children and those in need – allowing Dolores to continue in her great works. Books may be purchased through www.beautifulwarrior.com, Amazon.com, or Barnes and Noble.

Playing the Shame Game

This week, I am so excited to continue this series with Xanet. In today's post, she daringly models one of the key strategies for ridding ourselves of shame.


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Before I became a sex and intimacy coach, I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about shame.  I understood the feeling of embarrassment, like when I said or did something stupid, but shame was not really on my radar screen. And there’s a reason why… my shame was so deeply repressed that I couldn’t even access it.  The shame memories I had of being caught playing doctor with my best friend in first grade and several other powerful childhood memories around sexual pleasure, were simply not available to me.  Of course it didn’t help that no one was asking me about my experiences of shame.  But truth be told, had the question ever been asked, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to talk about it.

Therein lies the problem…because shame is something that we don’t talk

about.  It’s so shameful, so insidious that we can’t even bring it up except in therapy or a workshop setting.  And yet shame drives so much of our behavior, especially around our sexuality. 

In my coaching, I like to help my clients understand their own sexual blueprint. Our sexual blueprint is developed very early in our life, typically in our early childhood years.  Our sexual blueprint consists of the early messages and experiences that we had around sex and shame always plays a huge role in that blueprint.  Everyone’s shame experience is different but we have all experienced shame… that is a part of human existence.

So let me give you an example of how this plays out.  I met a woman who had an early sexual experience with one of her pets…  He liked to lick her vagina and she experienced pleasure from it.  However, she knew from earlier shame experiences that what she was doing was bad and that if she was caught she was going to be punished and experience a lot of shame.  So the pleasure that she felt was mixed with fear and shame. 

Twenty years later this woman was extremely uncomfortable with oral sex and could never relax enough to experience any pleasure.   It wasn’t until she was able to bring this shame memory to consciousness in her 40’s and then share it with a group of people in a workshop, that she was finally able to heal this shame experience and begin enjoying oral sex again.

That woman was me.  And this is part of the way in which we banish shame.  We presence it, we talk about it, we share it with others, we normalize it.  We quickly learn that we are not alone!  There are other people in this world that also had the same type of experience we did and suddenly we’re not feeling the same charge around it.  An enormous, huge weight has been lifted from our shoulders.

Those of us who have experienced deep sexual trauma and abuse have our own version of shame, and those feelings can be even more intense and insidious.  But being able to release the feelings of shame in a whole and healthy way without experiencing re-traumatization is one of the keys to having a positive sexual relationship with ourselves and our partners.

Body shame is experienced by almost every woman and many men.  How many of us are unsatisfied with the way we look, how much we weigh, the size of our breasts, penis, thighs, etc.  The list can go on forever.  The fact that both men and women are constantly inundated with unrealistic images of perfect bodies and body parts continues to play a huge role in our own body image issues.

Body shame often makes us feel like we’re not loveable, and we’re not sexy and we’re not worthy of someone’s attention.  It causes us to do things such as have sex under the covers or always have sex with the lights off.  And we can’t fully be in our pleasure or in our bodies when we’re worried about what our partner thinks. 

In our November 5^th Teleseminar:  Girlfriend Sex Talk:  Five Ways to Juice Up your Sex Life Now, we will explore what our shame reaction is.  Understanding how shame shows up in our body is a really important tool for being able to have more pleasure in your life.   Typically when we experience shame, we feel ourselves contracting in some way.  And when our body is feeling constricted, it is impossible for us to relax so that we can feel pleasure. 

Learning how to banish shame is an important step in experiencing better sex and more pleasure.   Let’s practice normalizing shame by playing the Shame Game. Find a trusted friend or partner that you can share some of your shame experiences with.  All that person needs to do is to listen to your story without judgment and without trying to console you.  If you do the same for them, you will be on the road to banishing shame.  

If you'd like to explore the topic of shame further, I invite you to join me this Thursday @ 6p PT for a free teleseminar, Shake Off the Shame: How to End Self-Judgment & Self-Blame.

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Xanet is a sex and intimacy coach, tantra teacher, and sexological body worker who has worked in the health care field for over 25 years.  She works with individuals and couples using a variety of modalities to help them explore different paths of pleasure within the body, increase their sexual energy, enhance intimacy and help heal emotional and sexual wounds.  Xanet is a Somatica® Trained Sex and Intimacy Coach, and is certified with Charles Muir’s Source School of Tantra and The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. She has also completed the Sky Dancing Tantra Teacher Program with Steve and Lokita Carter.   


You can connect with her at www.powerofpleasure.com.

Finding Pleasure on the Other Side of Pain

This week, I am so excited to bring to you a series by Xanet Pailet, who is not just an amazing coach but was a fast friend. In today's post, she is sharing with us her own story



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I’m Xanet Pailet, a former health care lawyer turned sex and intimacy coach.  I am delighted that Rachel has asked me to share some of my story with you and I am excited to be partnering with her on an upcoming teleseminar.  The work that Rachel does with sexual abuse and trauma survivors is so incredibly important, and I share her passion for helping to heal sexual trauma and wounding.

My journey into sex and intimacy coaching and sexual healing was a surprise, even to me.  Ten years ago, when I was 44, I was living the good life in New York City.  I had two wonderful kids, a successful husband, my own thriving healthcare consulting business, and I was producing Broadway musicals on the side. I was the envy of many of my friends.  But as we all know, appearances can be deceiving.

What my friends didn’t know was that I stopped having sex at age 29 after my second child was born because it was so painful. I hadn’t been sleeping in the same bed with my husband for over 15 years, that the only touch I received was from my children, and that I had never experienced an orgasm. Sex was a total drag for me and I wondered what all the fuss was about.

What I didn’t know at the time was that I was in good company.  According to a recent Kinsey Institute Survey over 30% of women report having painful sex. I know that for me sex was always associated with medical issues. Endometriosis, terrible side effects from the pill, endless infections, painful medical procedures, and morning sickness for 9 months straight. I felt that my body had completely betrayed me.  So not having sex seemed like a really good idea at the time.  No wonder orgasms were elusive and pleasure was not in my vocabulary.

I realize now that what I experienced was deep physical wounding that created sexual trauma in my body.  My body literally could only associate sex with pain, discomfort, and fear.  I was so anxious about not wanting to feel pain during sex, that my vagina literally closed up, and went into a protective mode.

Once sex became a major issue in our relationship, as I see with so many of the couples that I work with, our relationship fell apart.  One of our strongest human desires is intimacy and connection.  It is what fuels the flames and keeps us emotionally and physically healthy and sane.  I am certain that but for the fact that my younger son was empathic and knew that I needed a lot of physical touch and cuddling, I would have left my marriage of 28 years a decade earlier. 

I was 50 years old when I was introduced to Tantra and sacred sexuality by a man I met on OK Cupid.  Tantra was the doorway to my sexual awakening and healing.   For the first time in my life, sex was not about the mechanics. Rather it was about the union of our physical, spiritual and emotional bodies. The lack of goal orientation of either orgasm or intercourse allowed me for the first time in my life to RELAX and simply RECEIVE.  And over time, orgasms of all types and flavors (full body, energetic, G spot, nipple) became a major part of my life regardless of whether or not I had a partner. 

As I became in touch with my own sexuality and bathed myself in orgasmic energy on a daily basis, my life started to transform.  I didn’t have a clue why that was happening but of course now I totally get it.  You see, orgasmic and sexual energy is our life force energy, and there is nothing more powerful on the earth.  As Naomi Wolf so brilliantly spoke about in her book “Vagina”, the vagina is the center of a woman’s power and creativity.  When we are in the flow, we attract all that we want and need in our life—money, good health, successful business, loving relationships.  And when we are disconnected with our life force energy, we get depressed, gain weight, feel helpless, trapped, and have discordant relationships.

So I did what any sane person would do… I packed up my NYC apartment, left my friends, family and my business, and moved to the San Francisco Bay area where I received my own version of a Ph.D in sex.  I studied intensively with the leading Tantra teachers, Somatic Sex Educators and Coaches, Sex Institutes and Trauma Specialists. 

I found the missing part of my life which has now become my life’s work.  To help women heal the shame and wounding around their sexuality, reclaim their pleasure and transform their lives.  To help normalize the conversation around sex in this country.  To be proof positive and demonstrate through my teaching and coaching that we can all find pleasure on the other side of pain.

I'll be back next week to share more, but in the meantime, if you'd like to learn more about my upcoming teleseminar,  with Rachel, you can go here! 

5 Ways to Juice Up Your Sex Life Right Now!

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Xanet is a sex and intimacy coach, tantra teacher, and sexological body worker who has worked in the health care field for over 25 years.  She works with individuals and couples using a variety of modalities to help them explore different paths of pleasure within the body, increase their sexual energy, enhance intimacy and help heal emotional and sexual wounds.  Xanet is a Somatica® Trained Sex and Intimacy Coach, and is certified with Charles Muir’s Source School of Tantra and The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. She has also completed the Sky Dancing Tantra Teacher Program with Steve and Lokita Carter.   


You can connect with her at www.powerofpleasure.com.