8 years ago, I had the joy of connecting with Rebecca O'Donnell, author of Freak: The True Story of an Insecurity Addict, and I immediately adored her fierceness, authenticity and willingness to take on the tough corners of healing, bringing it all into the light!
We recently reconnected, and and I learned that she's just published a new book for kids (or adults who need to re-parent their inner children!). Hurt Magic is a beautifully illustrated and powerful story of facing down both internal and external bullies - check it out!
I'm so excited that Rebecca was up for sharing a bit more about herself, her journey, and her healing!
Without further ado:
RACHEL: Can you tell us a little bit about you!?
REBECCA: I'm an Artist/Writer in New York. I used to teach Art Therapy at an abused children's home. I was good at it because I was one of them. Physical, s*xual, mental and emotional abuse. I told the kids, "You have a manure pile of memories. Nothing you can do about that. Now, you can drown in the stink or turn it into compost and grow a garden. I wouldn't be nearly as good a teacher for you if I didn't have an idea of what you've been through." It's tough battling the self hatred and insecurity which comes with surviving these horrors but man, is it worth it. You're worth the fight.
RACHEL: What inspired you to start writing about/exploring this topic?
REBECCA: I was seeing a therapist to help me with my traumatic amnesia, and she suggested I start writing a journal. I hated it. So one day, I just started rambling into the computer. Before I knew it, I had 150 pages. Took a while for my therapist to talk me into letting her see it, haha! But then she told me I should expand it into a memoir. One of my readers asked me to combine both my art and writing into a children's book for abused and/or bullied kids. An abuse survivor herself, she hadn't found any children's books that inspired her. So I did. Helping others is a multi-faceted blessing. You help others who need it, and that sharing of your own kindness heals you as well. The way I see it, if you want to feel worthy, do something worthwhile. Even holding the door for someone or complimenting somebody is something worthwhile. Baby steps are still steps.
RACHEL: What key insights or lessons have you learned through your experiences with this subject?
REBECCA: That there are far, far more of us than even I imagined. I don't think there are more predators and abusers than ever; I think people are speaking out more, so their filth is getting dragged into the light. And that is a magnificent, hope-filled miracle. Courage is contagious, and we're nobody's dirty little secret.
RACHEL: What challenges or misconceptions do you think people face when dealing with this topic, and how can they overcome them?
REBECCA: The biggest mindfrak our abusers do to us is to convince us that we're ruined, dirty, rancid, etc, because of what they did to us. I told my mom about my dad attacking me immediately after that first time. Her response was, "If you didn't flirt with him, he wouldn't do it." This is all too common. I was a child, Her child, and she blamed me for somehow causing it.
People stare at me like a deer in headlights nowadays when I tell them I was s*xually abused. Many get angry. "People don't talk about that in public." Why not? I was such a basket case for half my life because I believed that nonsense. I even tried to kill myself because that weight of feeling dirty, stupid and weak was crushing me.
Insecurity is my addiction, and around 15 years ago, I started treating it like a substance addiction. I did self love exercises (which I violently opposed for months when I first began) every day, stopped my abusive inner voice from slamming into me 24/7, quit telling body shaming jokes about myself to others (I was hilarious and could always get a laugh, which outwardly fed me and inwardly crushed me because they were laughing that I was fat and ugly) and every night I'd say, "Good night beautiful mind, good night beautiful body, good night beautiful spirit." Didn't believe a word of it for six months. I was that deeply addicted to hating myself. But persistent repetition is key. That's the only thing that's worked for me.
Keep at it, even as your inner voice screams "LIAR!!" at you. I love myself now, no longer blinded by shi*-colored glasses or rosy denial ones. Clear lens now, and clear eyed. But I'm an insecurity addict. If I stop doing my self love exercises, I can feel myself sliding back into the that self abusing cruelty I weirdly miss. That's how I know it's a behavioral addiction. Let me tell you, it's a lot of work, but becoming your own soulmate is astonishing. So go for it.
RACHEL: Are there any common myths or misunderstandings about this topic that you'd like to address?
REBECCA:
"What were you wearing that set him off?
"Why didn't you just say no?"
"Why didn't you tell somebody?"
"Why didn't you fight?"
"You're no good in bed because you're so damaged."
"You're great in bed because you're so damaged."
"Why did you ever have kids? Statistically, you're going to abuse them too."
All these questions are abusive but usually stem from ignorance, not cruelty. Most of the world is blind. Recognize that truth. The way I see it, I wouldn't get mad at a blind person because they can't see me. So it's okay to educate people. One time, I did a lecture on the subject of incest and the damage it causes, and a group of people came up to talk to me afterwards. A man, obviously trying to make a joke, laughed, "Incest is best, a game the whole family can play!" I asked, "Do you play it with your daughter?" He attacked me. People had to pull him off. I talked to him later and it turned out he'd been abused as a kid, so he instantly saw red from my reply. If people have a complete freak out like that, there's usually a big hidden wound there. Don't take it personally.
RACHEL: What resources, tools, or next steps would you recommend for readers who want to dive deeper into this topic?
REBECCA: When I was first writing my memoir, I had to put things into chronological order, then gauge my age at each time. I looked at photos of myself and was truly startled by how little I was. I found that putting stuff into chronological order, no matter how hard it was to write it down (I puked, had panic attacks, flop sweated like a horse, woke up from nightmares), I had to do it for the book. I'd scrawl a couple sentences or paragraphs, then shove it in a drawer until I could bear to look at it again. It was a revelation. When I first wrote the words, I was super emotional, devastated, angry at myself for "letting it happen." But when I pulled those pages out again, it was a completely different feeling. I felt compassion for her. She was just a kid. I was just a kid. And that helped me begin to see the truth. I'm not a piece of shi*. I never was. It was always a lie.
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I hope you will take something for yourself today from Rebecca's story and wisdom! I know I did! :)
To the magic of healing!
P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.
in partnership with CPTSD Foundation
May 12th
ANGER
As survivors of childhood abuse, we can have an enormous amount of anger inside us. Anger is a healthy and natural response to abuse and exploitation.
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