The Imposition of the Narcissistic Parent: A Hidden Volcano – Part 4

This week, Rivka Edery, helps you visit your own personal Garden of Eden, and the wisdom it will reveal for your unique journey.


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This article is the fourth and last in a series in which I discuss the relationship between the fear of authority figures, because of narcissistic parenting (devoid of empathy, pathologically selfish and entitled, exceedingly arrogant, grandiose, liar, empty self-obsession). The relational form of narcissistic parenting is one of inherent bullying, chronic demands for narcissistic demands, imposition, suffocating, demeaning and demanding - cementing the pain with a lack of empathy. The child of a narcissistic parent is trapped in their parent’s underground land of Fake Make Believe, where the parent is the ever-looming omnipotent despotic ruler. The child has no escape, but to create defenses of their own, purely for survival. The narcissistic parent is thoroughly convinced of their Fake Make-Believe land, constantly forcing the child to step into the picture the parent carved out for them.

Perhaps the child becomes resilient, well-defended, and determined never to be bullied again.  Such a person may employ their belief system that “all authority figures are bullies, to be feared, hated, admired, emulated, or avoided.”  Some children will identify with the aggressor, in this case, their narc parent, in order to ensure they won’t be abandoned, hurt, betrayed or abused, as they have oft-times witnessed the narc to do to everyone else. Fear and a False Self can become the child’s only companion, as they battle an impossible, frightening Medusa. 

  

Please join me this week, as we visit your own personal Garden of Eden, and the wisdom it will reveal for your unique journey. 

Close your eyes and imagine it is a warm summer day, late in June. The sun is laughingly kissing the fields, children tumble on the soft dirt, and insects, flies, bees, birds and animals all seem to think they were one on this precious day of light. You are in your own personal garden, humming along as you tend to your precious plants, fruits and vegetables, all nourishing each other.  

In the middle of your garden, there is a small pond of happy fish, dancing to the tune of their own harmony. Hear the sweet laughter of children, cheerful Bambi, and the elderly neighbors who find every reason to smile when they see you.

As you sit on the comfortable bench, you are visited by a part of yourself that you have long-rejected. Perhaps you have a deep-seated terror of rejection or abandonment, of being unlovable, alone, unworthy of love and belonging. You can give this part of you a playful nickname, something that will allow you to bring this long-forgotten part of you, closer to you, to sit beside you and share its wisdom.  

Imagine that you can have a conversation with that part of you, allowing it to talk with you about how it came to be, what are its aches, pains, and wisdom for healing. 

Choose any part of you and imagine that it has come from behind its hiding place and is now cautiously approaching you. You may be surprised to discover that it is like a small child, with eager eyes, filled with pools of hurt, kindness and intimidation.  

Perhaps this child is a solitary thinker brainwashed and tricked, holding on to old thinking, outdated, and without corroboration. Lovingly tell this part that you are here; available and willing to love, nurture and guide it back to wholeness.  Explain that s/he is not responsible for the cruel and cold parenting they were subjected to, and that you are ever-present for them. 

You may be surprised that what you have most long-dreaded, is nothing but a sweet and lost child who will grow into a healthy and healed part. Breathe deeply and watch a once-suffering part of you giggle and skip in the open garden.  

The volcano will always be there, where you can learn from the energy of your wounds, but you don’t have to live there.  

The open garden will always have its arms outstretched, daily awaiting your visitation, where you rest, rejuvenate and love yourself to genuine, ever-lasting resolution and healing. 

  

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Rivka A. Edery, Psy.D. (Candidate), M.S.W., L.C.S.W., (RivkaEdery.com) is a highly intuitive licensed clinical social worker specializing in trauma recovery and spirituality. Her books include Trauma and Transformation: A 12-Step Guide and Hear Me Sing, Book I.  Since 2009, she has been working as a psychotherapist, assisting clients who are recovering from trauma-related disorders. She has assisted trauma survivors in achieving safety, reducing their troublesome symptoms, increasing their competencies, to review and reappraise their trauma memories, and consolidate their gains by learning and applying new behavioral, emotional, physical and spiritual skills. The focus is a very positive one, encouraging her clients to adapt a more loving, empathic, and honorable understanding of themselves.  

For a full list of her publications, credentials, and ways to get in contact with Rivka Edery, please visit her website at http://www.rivkaedery.com

The Imposition of the Narcissistic Parent: A Hidden Volcano – Part 3

This week, Rivka Edery teaches us why rage and anger become central emotions for children of narcissistic parents, how to honor that anger, and how to identify the exhausting cycle of supply and demand that is characteristic of narcissistic relationships.

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This article is the third in a series of four articles, in which I discuss the relationship between the fear of authority figures, because of narcissistic parenting (devoid of empathy, pathologically selfish and entitled, exceedingly arrogant, grandiose, liar, empty self-obsession). The relational form of narcissistic parenting is one of inherent bullying, chronic demands for narcissistic demands, imposition, suffocating, demeaning and demanding - cementing the pain with a lack of empathy. The child of a narcissistic parent is trapped in their parent’s underground land of Fake Make Believe, where the parent is the ever-looming omnipotent despotic ruler. The child has no escape, but to create defenses of their own, purely for survival. The narcissistic parent is thoroughly convinced of their Fake Make-Believe land, constantly forcing the child to step into the picture the parent carved out for them.

Perhaps the child becomes resilient, well-defended, and determined never to be bullied again. Such a person may employ their belief system that “all authority figures are bullies, to be feared, hated, admired, emulated, or avoided.” Some children will identify with the aggressor, in this case, their narc parent, in order to ensure they won’t be abandoned, hurt, betrayed or abused, as they have oft-times witnessed the narc to do to everyone else. Fear and a False Self can become the child’s only companion, as they battle an impossible, frightening Medusa. 

We left off last week, on a journey forth to new territory within ourselves, examining areas of intense reactivity, where we are courageously stepping closer to our inner volcano. For some people, this is a truly frightening concept: anything that is live will surely perish in in a volcanic environment! 

Who can even survive its hot lava force of destruction? This is where the Magical Mirror invites us to take a closer look at our gifts.  

Inherent gifts and talents are the good forces within us that give us the inviting strength to acknowledge buried alive wounds. Some gifts, and personal choices, include integrity, being kind, empathic, loving, and nurturing. Having good intentions, motivations, having courage, wholehearted bravery, and the strength to be vulnerable and kind at the same time. The courage, bravery and wholehearted willingness to face emotional wounds, that are alive and kicking inside your personal volcano, is rewarded with knowing how to put out the fire.

Let’s look at a few specific emotional living wounds, such as anger or rage that does not seem to dissipate. 

Anger is often seen as a frightening emotion, and is in fact, scary depending on the circumstance. There is so much focus these days on forgiveness, letting go of anger, and conjuring up other emotions, to replace anger or rage. To the extent that some survivors may even feel guilt or shame for having anger.  

Some people have a personality and character structure fueled by rage and anger. This can be quite toxic for the person’s health, relationships, and their family and friends. However, there is a second category of people who experience anger, that does not seem to fit any character-disorder category: survivors of narcissistic parenting.

Consider the implications of being the child of a narc parent: at the deepest level for the narc, all relationships are about filling the narc’s need for “supply”.  

Narcs notoriously have a bottomless vortex for validation, admiration, acknowledgement, attention, being “right” (cannot handle or accept criticism), controlling, and staying “alive” in their psyche.  

For them, staying “alive” requires supply. Until their “supply” is cut off, their true existential reality (kept in secret), may not be revealed. This means that their child(ren) may have to survive by being supply and supply only (admire, comply, admire, worship, repeat) for their parent. 

Where and how does the child’s True Self develop? There is no room for the value of the True Self, and if may be forced into hiding. Hence, the birthplace of rage. Longing for its own birth, freedom of expression, and living a truly peaceful existence, rage then becomes the norm. This does not mean that one has to be trapped in a volcanic rage, hidden or exposed. The beginning of your liberation is by taking a deep breath, and a step back from the volcano. You just acknowledged and faced a core and powerful emotional reality. Now take the mirror, put it in your pocket, and follow the breadcrumbs to a beautiful garden not far from this volcano. 

Read Part 4, as we visit your own personal Garden of Eden, and the wisdom it will reveal for your unique journey.

  

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Rivka A. Edery, Psy.D. (Candidate), M.S.W., L.C.S.W., (RivkaEdery.com) is a highly intuitive licensed clinical social worker specializing in trauma recovery and spirituality. Her books include Trauma and Transformation: A 12-Step Guide and Hear Me Sing, Book I.  Since 2009, she has been working as a psychotherapist, assisting clients who are recovering from trauma-related disorders. She has assisted trauma survivors in achieving safety, reducing their troublesome symptoms, increasing their competencies, to review and reappraise their trauma memories, and consolidate their gains by learning and applying new behavioral, emotional, physical and spiritual skills. The focus is a very positive one, encouraging her clients to adapt a more loving, empathic, and honorable understanding of themselves.  

For a full list of her publications, credentials, and ways to get in contact with Rivka Edery, please visit her website at http://www.rivkaedery.com

The Imposition of the Narcissistic Parent: The Mysterious Mirror – Part 2

This week, Rivka Edery, investigates the mysterious underground volcano, as it pertains to authority figures, narcissistic parenting, and your role in all of this.

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This article is the second in a series of four articles, in which I discuss the relationship between the fear of authority figures, because of narcissistic parenting (devoid of empathy, pathologically selfish and entitled, exceedingly arrogant, liar, empty self-obsession). 

The relational form of narcissistic parenting is one of bullying, imposition, suffocating, demeaning and demanding - cementing the pain with a lack of empathy. Perhaps the child becomes resilient, well-defended, and determined never to be bullied again.  

Such a person may employ their belief system that "all authority figures are bullies, to be feared, hated, admired, emulated, or avoided." A common core reason of the fear of authority figures, may be because the body (where traumatic memories are stored), and the brain (which also stores memories, and distributes the necessary chemicals as it sees fit), will get into action if they are called to duty. 

We left off last week, on a journey forth to new territory within ourselves, examining areas of intense reactivity, where we are courageously stepping closer to our inner volcano.  

We remain open and curious as to what is inside it. What sets it off, and does the Unconscious Army take charge, without your consent? However, prior to entering the mysteries of our inner volcano, we must extend the necessary preparations. Our goal in stepping closer, is to open our minds with open-ended questions. 

Please join me this week as I investigate the royal road to the mysterious underground volcano, as it pertains to authority figures, narcissistic parenting, and your role in all of this.

Let us look at the relationship between loneliness because of overt and relational forms of narcissistic childhood (bullying) and resiliency. It is common for children of narcissistic (“narc”) parenting to experience being bullied by their narc parent.  

After all, narcissists are true bullies: they will do anything, and cross all boundaries, to get their way. Often, they are very secretive, deceitful, and with an agenda they keep carefully guarded. With a grandiose sense of entitlement, gross arrogance, and little to no regard for others, they will plunge into the spoils of another’s psyche, rob them of whatever supply then need, and then classically discard the child.  

Children of narc parents, like all children, are vulnerable and entirely dependent on the caregiver/parent. Their lives are literally dependent on their primary parent. In the cruelest twist, the narc wields their power, with a sword that is sharp and blazing with narcissistic rage. The child must develop their own defenses, and do everything in their capabilities to adapt, and survive. But what happens to all the rage, pain, fear, and sense of devaluation that permeates the child’s being?

The core pain is never validated if there is no reliable investigation, and intervention, into this kind of deep abuse of the mind. Very often, children of narcs are abused in sexual, physical, and other ways; a complete violation of a humanistic ethics code.  

Even if there is an absence of physical abuse, the dynamic between the narc and their abused child, is highly toxic, with childhood wounds that may remain invisible for the rest of the child’s life. The child may display signs of resiliency (bounce-back), disconnect, fear and compliance of authority-figures, aggression towards others, or harbor a hidden hatred towards themselves. 

It is unsafe to express displeasure towards a narc, especially in such a volatile parent-child dynamic. After all, the child has lived a life of being in service to the adult, perhaps void of a true self, and in constant danger of being shoved down the dark, deep pit of mental anguish. The child must struggle to survive, and escape the loneliness, developing certain character defenses and traits, that may be dysfunctional later in life.

As you pause and reflect on your road to the volcano, you suddenly notice a strange-looking mirror a few feet ahead of you. You bend down to pick up this mystical mirror, left by the person gone before you. Your heart flutters, your mind is open and ripe with curiosity and openness, and your soul sings in tongues unfamiliar to you. Can this be the beginning of your liberation?

Read Part 3, as we examine this mystical mirror, and the treasures it might lead you to.

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Rivka A. Edery, Psy.D. (Candidate), M.S.W., L.C.S.W., (RivkaEdery.com) is a highly intuitive licensed clinical social worker specializing in trauma recovery and spirituality. Her books include Trauma and Transformation: A 12-Step Guide and Hear Me Sing, Book I.  Since 2009, she has been working as a psychotherapist, assisting clients who are recovering from trauma-related disorders. She has assisted trauma survivors in achieving safety, reducing their troublesome symptoms, increasing their competencies, to review and reappraise their trauma memories, and consolidate their gains by learning and applying new behavioral, emotional, physical and spiritual skills. The focus is a very positive one, encouraging her clients to adapt a more loving, empathic, and honorable understanding of themselves.  

For a full list of her publications, credentials, and ways to get in contact with Rivka Edery, please visit her website at http://www.rivkaedery.com