A Return to Your Genuine Self

August 14, 2020

Let's talk about saying the scary shit!

Time needed: 5 minutes

This is definitely a "practice what you preach" moment as I say some scary sh** about my struggle to cuddle and enjoy intimacy.

To saying it out loud!

Watch Now!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdBNgcFi9Bk

August 3, 2020

To thine own self be true...

"Between the ages of twenty & forty we are engaged in the process of discovering who we are, which involves learning the difference between accidental limitations which it is our duty to outgrow and the necessary limitations of our nature beyond which we cannot trespass with impunity" ~W.H. Auden

During my 20s, I definitely did a lot of the work aimed towards answering the question, "Who am I?" I remember it as a time of feeling completely confident one moment and then unsteady & confused the next. There were days when I felt so uncomfortable in my skin. These days were balanced, though, by ones in which I easily walked into any situation and felt at ease.

Through a myriad of experiences, I began to discover a self composed of likes, dislikes, attitudes, fears, beliefs, hopes, weaknesses. I understood myself on new levels and did the work of breaking old patterns of thought & behavior that had held me back by for years.

I remember distinctly, a few days after my 30th birthday, thinking, "Whew! I'm so glad to be done with that whole 'finding yourself' business!" Little did I know! Only weeks later did I realize I had entered a new phase, which I call the "But can you deal with who you are" phase! It became clear to me that the new work to be done was to not only accept who I was, but who I wasn't.

When I came across Auden's statement, it made perfect sense. We do have a duty to get past the "limitations" that arise due to trauma, circumstances, or a variety of experiences. This is much of the work I do with my clients - identifying the "false identities" they've taken on as a result of past trauma.

Also, it's important to know what is outside of our nature, because not doing so does lead to detrimental outcomes. Without this clarity, we chastise ourselves unfairly or waste time on things that we aren't suited for. This is also some of the work I do - using a variety of activities and conversations to guide my clients to a clear sense of what they've been striving after that has been a drain, because it is not really a part of who they are.

So! Never again will I say yes to day long shopping adventures (not in my nature). No longer will I say no to high-heels (turns out, I really do like being girly sometimes despite having believed for years that all things feminine were bad).

In order to be true to ourselves, know which relationships are of benefit, identify the boundaries that we need to set, and so much more, we must construct an identity that goes beyond "survivor of abuse."

And if you aren't sure how to get there, and identify as female, then I invite you to participate in my upcoming group program for women. In this safe space, I will guide you towards accepting who you ain't as much as who you is and living in alignment with this knowledge!

To truly knowing yourself,

Watch this video in which Brian Little explores "What makes you, you?".

Read more about how we construct an identity.

What are some of the things that you know about yourself that you have no doubt about?

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NOW ENROLLING!

BEYOND SURVIVING

GROUP PROGRAM FOR WOMEN

ONLY 4 SPOTS LEFT

Program starts September 8th

Learn More & Register Here

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BOOK OF THE MONTH

Are you feeling stressed out, anxious, and alone? Do you stay up all night drenched with worry about how vulnerable you are to what you can't control? Wondering how will you handle it? Because of anxiety and panic, do you double down on your efforts to be smart enough, cool enough, good enough, only to have that effort backfire, and you feel more inadequate and overwhelmed?

Even if you aren't a teen, this is a great read!

July 16, 2020

How meditation helped pull me out of a downward spiral

This month, Robert Imbeault, is joining us to talk about how meditation saved him.

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I was in the early stages of building what would become a large startup when it happened: a memory of sexual abuse from my childhood resurfaced that shattered my world and led to my decision to end my life. My first attempt didn’t take, which sent me into a deeper depression that I tried to soothe with drugs and alcohol (a la Leaving Las Vegas).

Four or five nights a week, I found myself out in clubs where I took ecstasy and drank to toasts that weren’t given. Most mornings I woke up at home, but no matter where I ended up, I still managed to show up for work every day. After weeks and months passed, I became less and less effective in a company I co-founded, hoping that my partners wouldn’t notice. I was wrong.

During this downward spiral, my girlfriend, Mira, was trying to pull us out of the party scene. One morning, she suggested we do something together that changed my entire life.

I didn’t realize it at the time. In fact, I would’ve said "no" to her offer, but to make Mira happy, I agreed to do it—and I’m so glad I did. We opened the Buddhify app on my phone, laid it down on the pillow between us, and began listening to a five-minute meditation called "Good."

My First Experience with Meditation

The "Good" meditation we listened to that morning was intended to help the listener start their day off with positive intentions. A woman’s voice began speaking softly in a kind, British accent. I’m doing this to make Mira happy, I reminded myself.

"Everyone ultimately just wants to be happy and well." No shit. "So often we can sabotage ourselves with self-criticism and feelings of unworthiness, guilt," whispered the woman’s voice.

"So, by taking a few minutes here to set a positive intention, it can serve as a foundation for the rest of the day. Before the other negative stuff can take hold." This can’t be that bad.

"We’ll do this by repeating some simple phrases." Here we go.

"May things be good today," she said. I snickered quietly.

"May things be good today." I hope Mira is enjoying this.

"May things be good today." I’m sure my day will be fine, even though I have to deal with hiding the fact that I’m going through a comedown again and I can’t focus.

"May things be good today." Why is this woman saying this? I don't deserve for things to be good today. I deserve whatever is coming to me. I’ve earned the torment of guilt and shame that hits me like ocean waves, settling only to make sure I was still barely above water.

"May things be good today." Stop it!

"May things be good today." I could barely hold in the tears.

"May things be good today." What would happen if I took one day away from the misery?

"May things be good today."

"May things be good today," I whispered in unison with my new friend’s voice. The more I repeated it, the more I wanted to have a good day. It didn’t matter if I deserved it. I was exhausted. I selfishly, desperately wanted a good day. Give me this one day.

The track ended, but not before one more phrase from my new best friend.

"And if things aren’t so good today, may my ability to deal with them be good today." I flashed a smile at Mira and escaped to the washroom to breathe in solitude.

The mantra echoed in my brain. I had a good day that day.

Learning to Embrace Meditation

I began doing meditation every day. My reasons were utilitarian at first: I was more present in conversations. It calmed me down before meetings. After a session before bed, I slept better. Slowly and subtly, my quality of life improved.

At the same time, I’d found the ability to say "no" when people asked me to come out and party, an answer foreign to me only weeks before. I’d like to say it was a clean break from drugs and alcohol after that first meditation, but breaking from patterns so painfully ingrained is rarely so clean. I stopped, then slipped. I stopped again, but slipped less.

The dance continued until one day the permission we needed to set our zero-tolerance rule appeared: Mira was pregnant with our first child. We said "no more" and never looked back.

As any self-proclaimed geek would do, I researched meditation voraciously. I knew it was helping me with my sleep, confidence, and emotions (in combination with therapy), but I was shocked to discover what it offered me neurologically and physiologically.

I consumed every meditation book I could get my hands on, including those by Dan Harris, Sharon Salzberg, and Robert Thurman, which led me to books on Buddhism and a set of beliefs that resonated with me as husband and father.

What started as an attempt to appease my girlfriend became a way of life for me.

What My Life Looks Like Today

My journey with meditation, which led me to Buddhism, has continued to blossom. Mira, who’s now my wife of five years, along with our daughter, traveled with me to Buddhist countries where I’ve sat in silence with monks and fellow seekers. I learned the loving-kindness practice (also known as Metta), which is about loving yourself, the people around you, the people you have trouble with, and the world. We took a transcendental meditation course, which involves reciting a mantra for two 20-minute sessions a day. I even signed up for a 10-day silent Vipassana retreat, where you spend 10 hours a day meditating and speak to no one. I left on Day Six—but that’s a story for another article!

Meditating together strengthened my relationship with Mira. In our interactions—and in my interactions with others—I’m more present, pleasant, and authentic. Things I would’ve said to someone years ago, I’m able to stop myself from saying today. In addition, I’m able to reflect after the fact and ask myself why I wanted to say that. Meditation gives me that space.

Even with a three-year-old and a newborn at home, I still find time to meditate, usually once in the morning and once in the evening. Whether it’s 20 minutes or 40, or even just breathing at night, meditation is a part of me now.

I left the startup I helped build to raise my girls, which involved giving up a part of the life to which I’d grown accustomed, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I not only get to spend more time with my family—I get to be present for it.

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Robert Imbeault is a successful entrepreneur and childhood sexual abuse survivor. Straddling the line between poor and destitute, Robert was raised by a single mother in a failing steel town. He's gone from sleeping on the street to building startups and even meeting the Queen. He's had an essay published in The Globe and Mail, was profiled in Courage Magazine for his work with the Cancer Foundation, and was a recipient of the 2010 Business Journal's Forty Under 40 award. Recently retired, Robert spends time writing, reading, and enjoying his family. He is the author of the best-selling book Before I Leave You: A Memoir on Suicide, Addiction and Healing.

https://www.robimbeault.com/

July 10, 2020

Let's talk about who we think we are....

Time needed: 17 minutes

Learn about the origin of this phrase that has so inspired me: "I am who I think that YOU THINK that I am"

To understanding the self.

Watch Now!

https://youtu.be/eZx1H_zhC0E

July 6, 2020

Do you ever cry in the shower?

There's something about being naked in the shower, enveloped by the water, no distractions that has always allowed my mind to wander. Back in the day, my mind usually wandered to my past, to fears, to shaming thoughts and judgments.

I can recall many a time when I would just collapse in the shower, overwhelmed by all that I was feeling. I was so consumed by negative thoughts...they came at the same rapid pace as the water hitting my face.

At the same time, there have been many times, in the face of this grief and despair, that I have found the fortitude within myself to say, "I don't know if this is ever going to get better, but I can't give up."

So, when I recently had a chat with Leanne, a graduate of the Beyond Surviving program, and she shared about a moment she had, balling her eyes out in the shower after a terrible nightmare, it totally resonated.

She went on to share her concerns at the time, "How am I ever going to get this out of my head?! How am I ever going to get over this?"

Thankfully, Leanne, too, didn't give up! She enrolled in the Beyond Surviving Group Program for Women and I had the great joy of watching Leanne grow out of her despair, find her voice, recapture joy and connection and so much more!

Listen to Leanne share in her own words!

If what you're hearing rings true in your own life, Leanne and I want to bring you hope and encouragement that where you are today is not the period at the end of your life story. There is more in store for you. There is freedom from trauma and abuse. There is hope!

If the time is now for you to take the next step in your healing journey, I encourage you to submit your application today and be a part of the next Beyond Surviving Group Program for Women starting September 8th (limited space available).

To taking our lives back,

Watch this video if you're feeling like the fight to heal isn't worth it.

Read more about reclaiming hope when all seems lost!

Where do you go to cry?

BOOK OF THE MONTH

Meditations on the central issues and needs of human existence--considered a twentieth-century spiritual classic.