Loneliness - Part 2

Did you know that being lonely can actually provide us an opportunity for growth? Our ability to sit and remain grounded in the lonely times is no small thing. In The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis is telling the story of a man who has lost his son and is experiencing a deep sense of loss and emptiness – loneliness. Lewis writes that, in this void, “in the loneliness, in the silence, something else might begin to grow.” When I read this, it immediately jumped out at me. Lewis doesn’t go on to explain what that “something else” is, but I think it is independence.

The experience of abuse often leaves us clamoring for love, affection, and attention. We bounce from relationship to relationship, job to job, activity to activity – refusing to ever stop long enough to deal with who we are when we are on our own. Now, this is in no way related to the popular idea that we must “love ourselves before we can love others.” I think, quite frankly, that’s a ridiculous statement. I’ve actually come to love myself much more deeply through the relationships and reflections of my partners than when I was on my own. What I did gain by developing the capacity to be in the loneliness was a sense that I could stand on my own two feet. I understood that the love and experiences that come with being with others is amazing and to be appreciated, but I also learned that my existence wasn’t dependent on “belonging.” As a result, one very important thing changed. I stopped saying “yes” to things just because I was afraid of being alone or it proving that I didn’t belong. Instead, I began to powerfully choose for myself who I wanted to spend time with and what experiences I wanted to have.

REFLECTION

- What things are you saying “yes” to out of the fear of being alone or not belonging?

- What are the payoffs & costs of the story “I don’t belong”?

I want to encourage you to practice challenging the stories that cause you to feel lonely and disconnected, while also noticing how your time alone changes when you use it as an opportunity to develop independence rather than as a sign that you are all alone.

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Loneliness - Part 1

When I was twelve years old, I went to one of the many slumber parties that would sprinkle my childhood days. I was super excited to be going to this particular slumber party, though, because my best friend was the hostess. She lived next door (so there was the added comfort that I could just go home if things went wrong), and we had spent lots of time together playing in the wide open fields behind our houses. I was at ease about going to the party knowing that there was at least one person there who I could have fun with.

This definitely wasn’t always the case. After the abuse, I remember days when it felt like all of the color had been drained out the world. I would watch my peers play with their dolls and even beginning to gossip about which boy they thought was the cutest in the class. In those moments, I felt like a complete outsider. I wanted to scream at them, “How can you be so silly! Don’t you know really bad things happen in this world!?” I felt alone and like I just didn’t belong with these girls. This feeling has stayed with me through the years, even as the topics have gone from cute boys to, well, cute men.

Abuse changes how we see the world. It strips away our innocence and we grow up well before we should. It’s as though I was walking along a similar path with these other girls and then we reached a fork in the road. I continued on my journey that included the experience of abuse and they continued on theirs – minus abuse. My path was a bit thornier, bleaker but there were sometimes clearings where I could see the other path and the sun and laughter that was there. I’d try to soak up as much of it as I could – if even from a distance – but could never seem to break away from the path I was on.

This experience – of being forced to see the world too soon and, as a result, feeling like we just don’t belong – is one that stays with us for a long time. It is one of our stories – “I don’t belong.” As adults, we often find it hard to relate to others who haven’t shared our same path. We long for the look of recognition and ability to think deeply about things that matter and are turned off by relationships and conversations that remain shallow.

The trouble is that we are constantly out to prove that we don’t belong. So, regardless of the situation, we stand on the outside and judge, evaluate the situation rather than engage and bring an attitude of openness. We need to understand that the story of “I don’t belong” is greatly impacting how connected we are to others. We also need to accept and appreciate that not everyone is our cup of tea! You may find it harder to connect with others, but you only exacerbate the problem when you continue to have the attitude that you are somehow an outsider, flawed, damaged, or never fit in.

REFLECTION

• How has loneliness been a part of your life?
• What thoughts or self-talk do you have that make you feel lonely (e.g. nobody likes me, no one understands me)?
• How do you isolate yourself from others?
• What do you do when you are feeling lonely?
• Have you ever felt like you belong? List some people, groups, or communities to which you belong?

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Fear That Keeps You Stuck

“Loneliness and fear are common for survivors of abuse. For survivors to begin to shut themselves away emotionally and sometimes physically is normal because they have been hurt, and the world no longer feels like a safe place. When something hurts you, to be afraid of that source of pain is normal. However, the fear and isolation begin to create more fear and loneliness – feelings that are unrelated to the original abuse.” ~from Shelter from the Storm

Really read that last line – “feelings that are unrelated to the original abuse.” One of the hardest things about being afraid is that fear takes on a life of its own. A single moment – one dog nipping at you – becomes a fear of all dogs! One person hurting you becomes a fear that everyone will hurt you. Our fears are not to be taken lightly, they can be so strong that they immobilize us. Yet, there is a way out of the fear.

We’ll get to loneliness in the next week, for now, let’s take a look at the fears that are keeping you stuck.

The first step is to begin exploring how fear has been a part of your life and actually naming your fears. By taking stock of how fear has played a part in your life, you become present to the costs of remaining in fear. Ask yourself, “What have I been missing out on or unable to do as a result of my fears?” Then, by actually naming your fears – like, “I’m afraid of being alone” – you take some of the sting out of it and the fear starts to become an approachable problem that can be addressed.

We all have developed different strategies for either running away from or facing our fears, and, usually, we don’t give ourselves enough credit for being able to do the latter. Facing and challenging our fears in order to come up with a plan of action as to how we’ll do that is the next step. Yet as this fortune cookie quote so wisely puts it:

“Many a false step was made by standing still.”

When we are struggling to break out of certain habits of thought or behavior, it often seems safer and easier to just stick with the status quo. We find ourselves at a moment when we can take a step forward or simply keep our feet planted. The choice we make at such moments is crucial.

Reasons for standing still are numerous … movement creates momentum and we can be unsure or afraid of where that momentum might take us. We may feel a bit unsteady when we take some new, first steps - kinda like toddlers fumbling around. Those fumbly steps are so critical though - without them, we never have the opportunity to experience leaping, running, or dancing!

There is, however, very little to gain from standing still.

Now I'm not talking about the kind of stillness that comes from being peaceful or making decisions with foresight and thoughtfulness.

What I do want to challenge is the idea that standing still is the "safe" choice. How can allowing your feet to become as roots in the ground be safe? It seems to me, if you are firmly planted, you are much more vulnerable to those who can approach and use you as they will.

It's time to uproot ourselves! To shed the distorted thinking, memories, and fears that immobilize us.

REFLECTION

I encourage you to pick one of the fears you identified today and then begin to challenge that fear by first identifying the payoffs & costs. Next create a measurable result to get into action to challenge the fear – what would your first step be?

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Anger That Sucks You Dry

When it comes to how we treat our feelings, particularly anger, we often spend much of our time burying them, avoiding them, or looking the other way. If we try to approach difficult feelings, we experience another very powerful feeling – anxiety. We fear that we will just explode, like a volcano, if we express these feelings. Also, we may believe we won’t be able to cope or manage if we allow ourselves to really feel these emotions.

Notice, anxiety is not so much the fear of what will happen or the unknown. It is, however, the fear that we will not be able to cope with what might happen! We buy into the false belief that we don’t have the capacity to feel these emotions and survive or respond in ways that are healthy. This keeps us stuck in a cycle of pushing away the feelings that need to be expressed in order to recover or heal from a hurt.

As you explore the anger you feel (particularly if it is tied to past abuse), remember not to judge the feeling. You are quite justified in feeling angry. However, the work to be done here is to explore how you behave as a result of your anger, where your anger is getting in the way of you keeping your word, and what you can do to balance the anger with positive emotions.

I was one angry redhead…

Of all of the emotions that have come up as a result of the abuse I experienced, anger – well, really, rage – has been the thorn in my side.

After my mother discovered what was going on, she and my father were great. They immediately got my grandfather out of the house and got me into counseling. Around week three of counseling, the therapist asked me what it was I thought had caused the abuse. Here I am, a little ten year old girl being asked to explain what I still can’t explain to this day!* I was so angry, I stormed out of the office and refused to go back. My parents were dismayed and tried to get me to see other therapists, but I wasn’t having it. Not really sure how to handle things, my parents, in my view, simply withdrew from the battle.

This left me feeling abandoned and further reinforced my belief that I had to make my way on my own. From that point on, I was on the defensive – ready to attack. I would have outbursts of anger that included slamming doors, breaking things, and even sometimes hurting my own body. It was not a pretty picture.

The raging continued well into my 20s. One day, I sat down and wrote my own “spew” letter. I let fall onto paper all of the fears I had about being alone, being rejected, the hatred I felt for my abuser, the lack of connection I had felt in my life.

Eight pages and lots of tears later, I was met with one very profound realization – my life was being sucked dry by the anger. That day, I decided enough was enough and made a commitment to have peacefulness and joy in my life. My first step was to start saying out loud every day, “I am peaceful and joyful.” When I started, the words felt like steel wool on my tongue. After a month, I could say it and partially believe it. After three months, I felt a sense of ease and comfort that I thought I’d never feel again. After six months, I was no longer filled with rage.

It wasn’t all just about the words. I had to challenge my false beliefs about being abandoned, rejected, and alone, too.

Today, I still “go redhead” from time to time – but I never rage in the way I used to – as if the world is out to get me and I have to fight with everything inside of me to survive. I go for a walk, I read a book, I take a nap until I feel grounded and able to process what’s going on. And, yes, sometimes, I manage perfectly. Other days, not so much. Either way, I know that my feelings are just feelings, and I can choose how I will respond and what I want to give priority to.

*Notice how that moment in the therapist’s office is so filled with story. He asked me a question, and, while perhaps not put very well, I immediately latched on to the idea that he, too, thought it was my fault and just wanted me to admit. Even back then, my stories were in play.

REFLECTION

• What are some of the unhealthy ways that you respond to anger? Which behaviors that are born out of anger do you need to put in check? (e.g. throw things, yell, stuff it, perfectionism, make nice, turn it on yourself, etc.)
• How do you bury, avoid, or stuff your feelings?
• What do you believe will happen if you express your anger?
• How can anger be beneficial?
• If you were to give yourself permission to feel angry, what would you say to yourself?

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Feelings Are Just Feelings!

One of the things I’ve noticed when working with my clients is that there is a strong desire to understand how to reach a place of what many call “emotional balance.” What I think many people really want is way to experience and express feelings without becoming overwhelmed or stuck.

Yet, in many ways, I think our relationship to feelings has become a bit too lenient. We often hear people say, “Well, if that’s how you feel …” – as if whatever comes after that is necessarily fine, good, or true. I’d like to challenge this idea and offer some alternative ways to understand, relate to, and utilize our feelings.

First of all, here are a few things to know about feelings (adapted from Shelter from the Storm):

• Feelings are neither right nor wrong – only actions can be judged that way.
• Feelings are affected by how we think – negative thoughts produce negative feelings.
• Feelings are often mixed – rarely do you experience one feeling at a time.
• Feelings can be expressed in different ways – there is no one right way, each person has his/her own style.
• Feelings do not lose their intensity by being buried, even for a long time. They must be worked through to lose their punch.
• Feelings should not dictate our lives. Instead, what we have given our word to – integrity – should guide our decisions.

Let’s take a closer look at this list. The first thing to notice is that we should not judge our feelings or experience shame or guilt because we have a particular feeling. Essentially feelings arise for a variety of factors – from the biological, to the circumstantial, some would even argue with the cycle of the moon! So, feelings happen – sometimes terrible, I want to hide under a rock feelings. Yet, if we are to mature into our feelings and manage ourselves, our focus needs to be on the actions that follow feelings rather than trying to eradicate the feeling altogether. For example, if you feel scared in a relationship – that’s okay. If you feel scared and then behave miserably towards the other person in the hopes of pushing them away, not so okay! We need to take responsibility for how we act in response to our feelings.

Now, I’m sure the second point – feelings are affected by how we think – doesn’t come as much of a surprise to you. The more our minds focus on the negative, the more our feelings will follow suit – creating a not so fun loop.

Furthermore, positive feelings “improve our cognitive capacities while we are in safe situations, allowing us to build resources around us for the long term. That's in marked contrast to the effects of negative emotions like fear, which focus our attention so we can deal with short-term problems. ‘Positive feelings change the way our brains work and expand the boundaries of experience, allowing us to take in more information and see the big picture’” (“How Not to Be Happy”, by Dan Jones). Essentially, the more positive emotions you experience, the bigger your bank account is that you can draw upon when things get hard. Positive emotions help you see things broadly while negative emotions create a pinpoint focus. This can, of course, be very useful at times, but not if we fall into a spirally downward cycle of negativity.

Finally, we need to remember that feelings are just feelings – they should not dictate our decisions, mostly because feelings are so fleeting! In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis says,

“’the most dangerous thing you can do is to take any one impulse of our own nature and set it up as the thing you ought to follow at all costs.’ … Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all.”

Too often we make decisions about whether to stay in a relationship, whether to stay at a job, whether to keep our commitment for a dinner party based on our feelings. “I just don’t feel like it,” seems to be a get out of jail free card. What happens to our word – our integrity – when we are constantly buffeting about because of our emotions? It falls apart.

How many relationships end because the initial intense feelings subside and people think, “Hm, I must not be in love anymore”? How many times do we say no to an opportunity, because we feel afraid? How many times do we bounce from job to job seeking a fresh high?

Now, lest you label me a hater of feelings, let me be clear that I’m not deriding the important role that feelings play in our decision making process. Again, it’s about balance. Until you learn to make balanced decisions, not letting your feelings be the dictators of your actions is a good rule of thumb to follow.

By focusing on what promise we have made, what word we have given, we can bolster our ability to follow through, to step into, to show up when our feelings would have us do otherwise.

REFLECTION

• What feelings have you been judging as being bad or wrong?
• Instead of judging your feelings, what behaviors, responses to your feelings should you instead focus on?
• How full is your bank account of positive feelings? What could you do to increase your balance?
• What opportunities, experiences have you missed out on because your feelings got in the way?
• What have you recently been giving your word to but not following through on because of your feelings?

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Consequences of Abuse on the Next Generation

Last week, I finished up a series exploring the false beliefs we develop based on the messages family members send and how our recovery can either be helped or hindered by our family.

In response, a reader contacted me with a very interesting question, "What about the impact on the children of a survivor when they find out their parent was abused? How do survivors determine what to say, how to say it, and how to deal with the consequences? Where is the support for these children?" These are great questions! So, today, I'm happy to share this reader's experience, and I hope others who are struggling with this issue will gain some insight or encouragement from her story. Names have been changed to protect the identity of this reader and her family.

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The effects of child sexual abuse do not end when the abuse stops. They are carried within a victim until they are addressed and for many this is done so in silent agony. Abuse in childhood becomes abuse again in later years when memories surface and hurt as though being abused again.

Sexual abuse of children is more likely to have been carried out by either a member of a child’s family or a close and trusted relation or friend. This makes it even harder for a victim as the feeling of having no one to turn to for help overtakes them along with their fears and hurt.

Sally, a woman in her 40’s, was abused when just 10 years old. She kept her secret for over thirty years, managing to cover up her mood swings and feelings of shame until finally she could no longer do so. The first person she told was her husband of twenty-five years. Her disclosure to him hurt him deeply even more so when she told him who abused her – her elder brother. Her husband’s pain was evident, but he was what she calls, “One in a million.” After the initial shock and plenty of tears, he held her tight and promised they would get through this together. Of course, he felt sick and angry as this was his brother-in-law. Many family meals and celebrations had been shared over the years and now hatred was taking over. They decided not to tell their children. This seemed a good idea at the time, but Sally began thinking of her 12 year old daughter and panic began to set in. “What will happen to her if something happens to her father and I? Who will protect her from her uncle?” Sally could take no more, and she told her oldest child who would soon be 18 and could therefore be her daughter's legal guardian and protect her. This was to prove as heartbreaking and soul destroying as the past Sally had tried so hard to blank from her mind.

Her son’s reaction to the “news” was a mixture of so many different emotions that Sally began to hate herself for telling him. She had asked him to not tell his sister as she felt she was too young to cope with it. This made him even angrier, as his reaction to this was, “So it’s okay to hurt me like this but not her?” Sally understood this was just his anger talking, but it upset Sally to see her first born hurting so much and guilt began to set in. Changes in his behaviour soon became evident. At times he would explode with rage and others would cry as if still a little boy. He felt this great need to know more about his mother’s abusive childhood. For him, abuse was just a word, something that didn’t happen in his close loving family. He felt sick at the memories of times he had spent with his uncle.

She was determined that she would become the victor of the events she could not control in childhood, she would control the rest of her life. The abuse Sally endured had made her live a life of loneliness and pain. Now she was faced with seeing the pain on the faces of her own family. This made her even more determined to overcome her past. Life in the house was often unbearable, tension seemed to overtake the once relaxed atmosphere. The situation began to take its toll on Sally’s physical and mental health. She began to keep a diary of her feelings and thoughts. She sat in bed at night crying while writing. At times, she cried so much she could barely see the words she was writing, but this didn’t matter, what mattered was she was releasing her suffering.

Her abuser was arrested and no one had believed Sally that he would admit to it. Sally knew him for the coward he was and never gave up hope of this. Finally, the police called and gave her the news that he had admitted to abusing her. Coping with her own feelings was one thing, but now she was trying to cope with her family’s. This was tough as she never knew what to expect or what to say.

Her parents refused to believe it and made it clear they wanted nothing more to do with her. Now her children had lost their grandparents. Although speaking out felt right, she felt that she was ruining the lives of her children. Watching them both suffering was at times too much to bear. Both in their own way had set on a path of self-destruction and although she had spoken to various professionals, she couldn’t find the support for her children. All she heard was, “They have to understand that it happened to you, not them.” Eventually, she had to inform the school of what was happening. Her daughter began counselling and after 3 years she still attends sessions. That may seem a long time but it shows just how much it hurts to find out one of your parents was abused as a child. Family life is still difficult at times, but Sally no longer has to mask her feelings.

Speaking out about her abusive childhood gave Sally a lifeline in regaining her life. Although she was a victim of childhood abuse, she now considers herself a survivor and this feels good....

Her father passed away the year after she spoke of her abuse but her mother did not tell her and Sally found out after he was already buried. She eventually managed to find out the details of his passing and where he had been buried. To this day, Sally visits his grave and sadly always asks the same question. “Why wouldn’t you listen to me daddy? I love you sweet dreams......”

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Family Matters - Part 2

Last week, I wrote a bit about the roles we take on in our family and then later continue playing. This week, I want to share some of the core false beliefs that people who grow up in families where abuse/dysfunction occurred develop. These are*:

• I must meet certain standards in order to feel good about myself.
• I must have others’ approval.
• Because I have failed, I am unworthy and deserve to be punished.
• I am what I am, I cannot change; I am hopeless.

These are false beliefs that we can challenge; we don’t have to continue holding onto or being shaped by these ideas. One way that I work with clients to challenge these false beliefs is to have them rewrite them as new stories that will give them freedom and possibility:

Example: I can feel good about myself even when I make a mistake, because it means I am trying and learning.

One important thing to understand here is that there is nothing, in general, wrong with having standards or needing approval. Problems occur, however, when we set up these beliefs as “musts.” If we can’t function and feel good about ourselves without the approval of others, for example, then things have gotten out of balance.

Much of who you are and how you see the world is shaped by the family you grew up in. You received all sorts of messages about what behavior was and wasn’t acceptable. At times, family members may have made statements that influenced how you saw yourself, relationships, or the world. The thing is, whatever messages our family members gave us about ourselves were simply that – messages sent. They are like telegrams that were sent long ago and became wired into our thinking, but all of that is up for grabs now. You get to choose at this point which things you believe, which things you don’t believe, and which things are really just about them, it’s their stuff – so that doesn’t have to be how you think about relationships or yourself any longer.

Here’s the bad news: in order to recover – you have to let people off the hook for the things they do and say. This doesn’t mean you have to continue to be abused or receive negative messages; it just means you have to make it about them and not about you.

The next, and often harder level, is to begin to notice that we begin to take these experiences with people and determine – or prove – things about them. We begin to define who they “ARE.” For example, my mother is over-bearing; my father is cold and disconnected; my husband is lazy. This is similar to what we are out to prove about others. When we have it that someone else “IS” the provider, the dependable one, the loser, the aggressor – this keeps you and them trapped with no possibility, because you frame all of their behavior with this lens or limit them to a particular way of being.

What do you have the people in your life being? How do you define them?

Example: My mother is a nuisance. My father is the one I can trust. My husband is my life.

What are the costs of doing so?

Example: If my husband is my life, I’m not owning and taking responsibility for my own journey.

What new possibility becomes available by giving up who you’ve had them being?

Example: If I give up defining my husband as my life, I’ll experience independence and relieve him of the enormous pressure of being “my life”!

When we determine who others will be, we limit and suffocate them and harm ourselves in the process, because we are unable to embrace the entire person. If your abuser is still in your life, one of the hardest but most freeing steps you can take is to stop defining them as “the abuser” and to begin seeing the whole person. This is particularly important if you want any sort of real relationship to occur. Now, if the person is still abusing you to this day in some way, this statement doesn’t apply to you!

REFLECTION

Who are the people you’ve been limiting by defining who they “ARE” for you and not allowing room for anything else? Once you’ve identified these people, I encourage you to go to them and share who you’ve had them being and what you now see as possible because you are giving that up.

A little How-To Guide:

1. Tell the person who you’ve had them being
2. Share the cost
3. Create a new possibility that becomes present when you stop defining them

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

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