I've Got Abandonment Issues

Abandon: to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert; to give up; discontinue; withdraw from; withdraw protection or support 

When it comes to abandonment, we are very much driven by a fear of the unknown. We don’t know if the people we are connecting to may one day withdraw their protection or support. They may “forsake” us, and not just a little, but utterly. The more we become connected, the greater the risk, because we have more at stake should the person choose to walk away.

In an effort to alleviate this terrible sense of “not knowing,” we’ll often do a variety of things. We will over-control, seek constant reassurance, or be on high alert for anything that looks like withdrawal. Worst case scenario, as soon as we start to feel close, we’ll push away and sabotage the relationship.

This fear of abandonment is extremely common in those of us who have experienced a trauma, been abused, or just suffered life. We have experienced very real and tangible abandonment – the loss of protection by those who were supposed to care for us. Unfortunately, we then begin living as if this is going to be the case with everyone we come across. I certainly had for a long time the false belief that, “People always leave.” As a result, guess what – people around me often didn’t stick around for long, because I would pretty much act in a way that ensured they wouldn’t want to! That’s a hard thing to acknowledge, but we have to be straight about the role we play today that leads us to recreate the experience of being abandoned over and over again.

Earlier, I only gave you the first part of the definition of abandonment. Here’s the rest:

To give up the control of; to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation.

When I read this, I thought, “Hmm, maybe I need to abandon myself to abandonment!” If I give up trying to control for abandonment, then I will actually begin taking steps towards real connection. I could abandon the confined space I create for relating to others when I shift my focus and energy away from trying to prevent their withdrawal and enter into an open, free space where I am present to the fact that they are here with me right now, in this moment. Instead of maneuvering to try to get some guarantee that they will always be here no matter what, I can appreciate the person for being here right now.

Point is, the fear of abandonment keeps us so focused on the future “what ifs” that we miss out on what is happening right now. Another, and more tragic, outcome is that we behave so poorly as a result of our fear, that we pretty much guarantee that things will fall apart.

One last thought. We will never be able to get away from taking risks in relationships. We can, however, learn to take calculated risks. This means we have to get out of the nasty habit of connecting to others who are so high risk that we’re pretty much setting ourselves up for failure. Today, I want to encourage you to practice giving up trying to control for the future and to remain in the present moment. Also, give some thought to the types of risks you are taking – are they measured (even if still daring) or just playing with fire?

REFLECTION

- Who abandoned you and how did they abandon you?

- What have you come to believe about people and relationships as a result?

- What do you do to protect yourself from being abandoned?

- How can you shift your focus from trying to control future outcomes to what is happening right now?

- How do you know if you are taking a calculated risk or not?

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Loneliness - Part 2

Did you know that being lonely can actually provide us an opportunity for growth? Our ability to sit and remain grounded in the lonely times is no small thing. In The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis is telling the story of a man who has lost his son and is experiencing a deep sense of loss and emptiness – loneliness. Lewis writes that, in this void, “in the loneliness, in the silence, something else might begin to grow.” When I read this, it immediately jumped out at me. Lewis doesn’t go on to explain what that “something else” is, but I think it is independence.

The experience of abuse often leaves us clamoring for love, affection, and attention. We bounce from relationship to relationship, job to job, activity to activity – refusing to ever stop long enough to deal with who we are when we are on our own. Now, this is in no way related to the popular idea that we must “love ourselves before we can love others.” I think, quite frankly, that’s a ridiculous statement. I’ve actually come to love myself much more deeply through the relationships and reflections of my partners than when I was on my own. What I did gain by developing the capacity to be in the loneliness was a sense that I could stand on my own two feet. I understood that the love and experiences that come with being with others is amazing and to be appreciated, but I also learned that my existence wasn’t dependent on “belonging.” As a result, one very important thing changed. I stopped saying “yes” to things just because I was afraid of being alone or it proving that I didn’t belong. Instead, I began to powerfully choose for myself who I wanted to spend time with and what experiences I wanted to have.

REFLECTION

- What things are you saying “yes” to out of the fear of being alone or not belonging?

- What are the payoffs & costs of the story “I don’t belong”?

I want to encourage you to practice challenging the stories that cause you to feel lonely and disconnected, while also noticing how your time alone changes when you use it as an opportunity to develop independence rather than as a sign that you are all alone.

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

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Stop Being a Victim

In the world of recovery, there has been a shift from using the word “victim” to “survivor” when describing those who have been abused or suffered a trauma. This shift shows up in all areas of abuse/trauma: cancer, divorce, child abuse. It's even shown up in the workplace, as in "merger survivor!"

This new label was chosen in order to convey strength, to empower, and to embolden the person as one begins the journey of recovery. The intent was also to distinguish between the moment of the trauma/abuse (victimization) and that of the present existence and experience (survivor).

Moving from victim to survivor is an important stage of recovery. During this phase, the person reflects upon the experience, actively engages in facing and owning what happened, and recognizes the connections between the abuse and the way they feel, think or behave. However, this recognition and sense of empowerment is not enough. While "survivor" is a much better label than "victim," it does not go far enough in framing an identity that leads to a thriving and powerful life.

Imagine with me for a moment that the abuse or trauma you’ve experienced has left a scrape on your knee – just as one you might get by falling down on hard concrete (in fact, we often feel battered and bruised as a result of abuse or trauma). This scrape, for many people, remains unhealed for years and years. At times, they may bandage and tend to the wound a bit, but they never fully heal. Worse, they come to believe it can never be healed.

Now, in the case of an actual physical wound, the skin does eventually heal and leaves a scar. We look at our knee, see the scar, and remember that day when we were wounded. Yet, we don’t feel all of the pain or other emotions that occurred at the moment we were hurt. Nor do we continue to compensate for the wound by changing our behavior – such as not fully bending our knee for fear of reopening the wound.

I strongly believe that the wounds of trauma and abuse can be healed and looked backed upon in this same way. We can see the scar that was created, but do not feel the pain, need to compensate, or constantly re-bandage the wound. However, this requires another shift – namely, from survivor to beyond surviving.

I remember very distinctly the moment when I thought, “This is ridiculous! I don’t want to survive my life. I want to live it!” For that reason, I use the term “beyond surviving” to describe myself and my clients. With this simple shift in language and labeling, the objectives and goals of recovery shift as well.

It is my goal to support clients in reaching a place where they no longer feel it necessary to manage behaviors or cope with thoughts and feelings that have resulted from abuse or trauma. Rather, clients gain insights and skills that make it possible for them to live abundant, powerful lives that are no longer mired in the past. They see the scar but are no longer wounded.

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

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Love the One You’re With…

The more I work with clients, the more I am aware of one of the greatest hopes we have: That our hurts will not have been in vain, that there is some way to make it matter. I know we often look to volunteering with organizations, offering our time and energy to support a particular cause, or serving in some other way that contributes to society. This practice is of great value to both the giver and the receiver. Yet what often goes unnoticed are the opportunities to serve those who are in our immediate circle ... the ones we are closest to, the ones who put up with us during those years of struggle, the ones who cross our path every day.

Often what inhibits and prevents us from giving or sharing freely with others is a kind of stinginess. This is not the stinginess that makes you give a $1 tip when you know you really should give more. It’s not the kind of Ebenezer Scrooge stinginess that causes you to ignore the circumstances of others. Rather, it is a type of stinginess born out of a need to hide and protect ourselves and to preserve a sense of control. Where does this type of stinginess come from in the first place, how does it most often show up, and how can we break free of it?

Human beings are funny creatures. We crave interaction and relationship, yet often behave in ways that directly counter this need. The main thing that gets in the way of us authentically interacting and forming relationships with others is our need to look good! How many times have we been in a conversation, and we have no idea what the person is talking about? Yet we nod and agree as if we are also a scholar on Far Eastern spices. When we almost trip and fall on the sidewalk, our first response isn’t, “Thank goodness I didn’t get hurt,” but rather, “Did anyone see me fall?” More significantly, we are struggling through a divorce but refuse to tell any of our friends, because we don’t want them to think we are a failure.

For many of us, this need to look good is often exacerbated by an experience in our past that made hiding the safest choice. Additionally, many of us have suffered in silence and worked to keep up appearances to the outside world – looking good was a way to shield ourselves from revealing the truth.

Our egos are important and our need to protect them is also functionally appropriate in many circumstances. However, if we never risk ego by giving up looking good, then we miss key opportunities to share and learn from others, to give others a chance to share genuinely with us, and, perhaps most tragically, to really be seen and known by others. We have to stop hiding.

Another way that stinginess shows up is in our amazing ability to make choices for other people. I am sure we have all experienced the following sort of invitation, “Hey, there’s a party this weekend, I’m sure you’re too busy to go and wouldn’t be interested, but I think it will be a lot of fun – you should come.” What in the world is that?!

This sort of non-invitation is used as a defense mechanism to protect our egos from disappointment and rejection. This type of exchange allows us to believe that the person is rejecting the party (because they are busy) rather than rejecting us. The error is in thinking that a “no” to an invitation means the person is saying “no” to you personally. If we can recognize that a person may refuse an invitation for any number of reasons (granted, one of those may be because you aren’t their cup of tea), then we can give up the need to protect ourselves by offering these sorts of non-invitations.

Instead, make a clear request - “Would you like to help me on this project?” instead of, “I have this project that I would like your help on, but I understand you’re probably too busy.” Then, accept the person’s answer (which, by the way, will often include an explanation such as, “Sorry, I already have too many projects.”) without taking it personally. By making clear requests, you avoid inserting a negative influence that would rob the other person of the opportunity to choose for him/herself.

Additionally, not asking others for support (e.g. keeping the fact that you are going through a divorce to yourself ) is also a type of choosing for others. The people in our lives want to give their support. It is an act of stinginess to deny them the opportunity to love and care for us. So, how do we counter this tendency to choose for others? It may seem simplistic, but, when you extend an invitation, filter out anything that is not the clear request. When you need support – ask. Stop choosing for others!

Step 1: Get clear about what you want. What specific type of support do you want/need?

Example: I would like to talk by phone; I want to meet in person.

Step 2: Get even more specific – How often? What day? What time?

Example: I would like to talk by phone once a week on Tuesdays at 12p.

Step 3: Ask for confirmation/agreement.

Example: How does that sound? Would that work for you?

Step 4: Negotiate. Based on the person’s response, you may need to adjust the details or you may have to hear them say, “No, I can’t do that,” and not fall into meaning making as a result.

It is a gift to those with whom we are interacting to give up looking good rather than deceptively nodding to avoid acknowledging that we do not understand. It is a gift to let others choose for themselves by making clear requests rather than using non-invitations. It is a gift to others to ask them to support us rather than hiding behind excuses for not doing so (e.g. “I don’t want to impose.”) It is a gift to those we love to risk our ego in order to build a more intimate relationship.

We will discover that our relationships become more genuine and the ones we are with will appreciate our openness. So, stop being stingy! As we search for ways to contribute to the broader society, keep in mind those who are close to us. Embrace the opportunities to serve them as well by making clear requests.

How it all began...

I didn't set out to be a Trauma Recovery & Relationship coach. I thought I'd end up as a high school English teacher! but, in 2007, I developed a workshop, Beyond Surviving, for those who have been sexually abused. After seeing the impact the workshop had on the recovery of some amazing people, I was inspired to take on this work full-time.

I decided to go back to school, and, in fact, completed my Masters in Counseling Psychology in April 2011. While in school, I decided that I wasn't interested so much in traditional therapy and much preferred the techniques used in coaching. It was important to finish the masters even so, because I felt that, with this training in human behavior and cognitive development, I could provide a distinct perspective and approach for my clients while using coaching as opposed to therapeutic models.

In addition to working towards my degree, I found a mentor and set to work building Rachel Grant Coaching. I'm focusing on trauma recovery and/or relationships - they seem to go hand in hand. You can check out my website for more information and to sign up for a free discovery session! 

One of my main goals is to support people in leading powerful lives! With passion and insight, I guide my clients in identifying and then stripping away the patterns of thought and behavior that have been keeping them from recovering from past trauma, making changes in their lives or relationships, or achieving their goals.

It's amazing work, and I love that I get to use my time, energy, and resources in this way!