A Return to Your Genuine Self: August 2020

August 31, 2020

What triggers set you off?

Ugh! Triggers. Am I right?

At one point in my life, it felt like all of my senses -- a sound, a smell, a touch, a taste, an image -- were minefields for getting triggered.

This was particularly painful during my teen years because no one had explained to me how trauma impacts the brain's ability to assess and respond to risk proportionally.

As a result, I spent so much time in anxiety and fear that I couldn't even fathom actually facing and taking on the abuse. I mean, if this is what it felt like when I was "ignoring" it, what in the world would happen if I actually began to talk about it?

Can you relate? Have you ever thought, as my client Crystal did, "I don't want to touch it with a ten-foot pole. I am scared and unsure about opening the box of abuse"?

I totally get it.

The good news is ... this isn't permanent!

The first step is to fully understand how the brain becomes wired as a result of trauma to interpret the world around us as "unsafe".

From there, we then begin to use interventions and strategies to "rewire" the brain so as to reduce and eliminate triggers.

This is critical to healing from sexual abuse (and also makes it more approachable/doable) - because, when we are not constantly activated/triggered - we can focus, tap into motivation, stay grounded and present, better respond to stresses and challenges, remain more even-tempered, and take on the trauma.

It is one of the things that brings me the most joy in the work I do with my clients -- seeing them go from destabilized, antagonized -- to peaceful and at ease. Like Crystal - when she started the program, the sound of sirens would immediately cause her to panic and dissociate.

Through our work together, she was able to retrain her brain and eliminate this trigger!

Listen to Crystal share about it in her own words!

Watch here

If the time is now for you to no longer be set off by triggers, and if you aren't sure how to get there, then I invite you to apply for a Discover Your Genuine Self session so I can share with you the steps you need to take to in order to build your capacity to walk through the world with ease!

To kicking triggers to the curb,

Watch this video in which Dr. Simone Ravicz and I discuss how, by using brain-based, proven scientific techniques, you can rid yourself of the disturbing emotions, unhealthy behavior and physical problems that arise from trauma.

Read about your brain's "delete" button!

What are the triggers that you'd love to be free of?

BOOK OF THE MONTH

Michael Sunset's memoir details the way he was systematically manipulated by his ex-wife, her father, his mother, and sister to believe he had a mental illness. His ex-wife worked to manipulate mental health professionals and the family court system to obtain control of their finances and daughter during their divorce process. Michael describes how jarring it is to experience and how to defend against it.

August 15, 2020

Psychological Benefits of Delayed Recall of Abuse

This month, Mary Knight, MSW, is joining us to share why delayed recall can actually be a good thing.

---

I am certain my memories of childhood sexual abuse are true.

I did not remember my abuse until I was 37-years-old. Even as a child, I had no conscious memory of the atrocities except for while they were occurring.

When discussing recovered memories like mine, the focus tends to be on their credibility. Since I no longer need to give my time and energy to determining the validity of my recollections, my attention has turned to examining the many ways delayed recall benefited me.

Vacations help us maintain our emotional well-being, especially for those of us with extremely demanding jobs. There is no job as demanding as surviving an abusive childhood. Delayed recall for a child is like taking a vacation from the fear, horror, and shame of the abuse. As a little girl who was molested by both parents, delayed recall gave me a psychological vacation from the abuse.

Delayed recall enabled me to not only do well in school, but to also find comfort there. I was always aware that my parents were very critical and that they yelled a lot. In contrast, my teachers were kind and respectful. They complimented me when I worked hard. School was a haven for me; a calm place where things made sense.

Friendships have nourished me throughout my life. My social skills were well- honed in grade school. Throughout my school years I associated with high achievers. Many of my long-term friends have graduate degrees.

I had a Master’s degree in Social Work by the time I recalled my abuse. Two of my articles were published in professional journals. I was appointed by judges to do divorce custody and parenting time evaluations. I testified as a mental health expert on a regular basis. I now realize that the respect I received from judges and attorneys was one of the factors in enabling me to trust myself enough to remember what deep down inside I always knew.

I was making strides in becoming self-actualized. I read books on codependency, then took a class about it, and eventually joined a 12-step group for Adult Children of Alcoholics (neither of my parents were alcoholics but my mother acknowledged alcoholism on the part of her deceased father). I finally realized the problems in my first marriage were not all mine and I insisted on marriage counseling. I began finding ways to have fun, like acting at the community theater level. I started dressing in brighter colors and I quit choosing styles that hid my figure.

Remembering what happened to me as a child turned my world upside down. In no way do I want to minimize that fact. Still, I am thankful for my delayed recall. During my childhood, forgetting allowed me to fulfill my developmental tasks in tandem with my peers.

In college I studied Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. In his five tier model of human needs, Maslow suggests that you must fulfill the lower needs before it is possible to fulfill the higher ones. The lowest needs are physical, such as food, water, and shelter. The next level is safety and security. After that is belongingness and a sense of community. Then comes esteem needs which are associated with accomplishments. Lastly, according to Maslow, is the need to become self-actualized.

When I first learned about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, it did not make sense to me. I argued with my college professor saying that starving people can become self-actualized. I now realize on a deeper level I was speaking for myself. My parents led a double life. In their upper middle-class respectable existence my physical needs were met. The life that my mind kept hidden from me included food deprivation and torture.

For me, Maslow’s triangle was in a sense upside down. I began to meet my higher needs before having the solid foundation that enabled me to process what happened to me as a child. I had the skills and connections by then to enable me to find a sense of community and family that did not include my abusers. My professional accomplishments gave me the confidence to make it on my own.

My safety needs were the last of my needs to be satisfied, partly because I had been drawn to men who were untrustworthy like my father. I finally feel safe in my own home. Jerry and I married 10 years ago. We live in a house we can easily afford and the view from our deck fills me with joy daily. Creative activities, which are a form of self-actualization, absorb a large portion of my time.

Rather than an upside down or a right side up triangle, my process of remembering has been lines that are far from straight. I still have new memories occasionally. Some are brutal, even in the midst of my put-together life, so I take good care of myself. I have a pajama day, enjoy long baths, relax my body with yoga and massage, dance, journal, and hike alone or with my husband. And I think about the child I once was who did not have these opportunities. I don’t push myself to remember. I’m fine with unclear memories.

I don’t need all the details. The only memories I need are the ones that will help me or another person.

While I celebrate everyone’s path to recovery, I am glad mine included delayed recall. I don’t know how I would have survived my childhood without it, but it did more than save my life. Delayed recall gave me a life worth living.

---

Mary Knight, MSW, Filmmaker/Keynote Speaker, is a human trafficking survivor and a happy ending finder. Her speaking topics include Recovery is Possible, Complex PTSD, My Parents Were My Pimps (familial/child sex trafficking), and Trauma Induced Chronic Pain. She tells about the path she took to the great life she now has in her personal documentary "Am I Crazy? My journey to determine if my memories are true." Her previous films include "Sister Mary's Angel," a PG-13 feature-length comedy and "One Man's Anger, One Woman's Love," a 15-minute short film shown worldwide to domestic violence survivor groups. She can be contacted at maryknighthappy@yahoo.com.

www.MaryKnightProductions.com
https://www.facebook.com/maryknightproductions/
www.OneMansAnger.com

August 14, 2020

Let's talk about saying the scary shit!

Time needed: 5 minutes

This is definitely a "practice what you preach" moment as I say some scary sh** about my struggle to cuddle and enjoy intimacy.

To saying it out loud!

Watch Now!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdBNgcFi9Bk

August 3, 2020

To thine own self be true...

"Between the ages of twenty & forty we are engaged in the process of discovering who we are, which involves learning the difference between accidental limitations which it is our duty to outgrow and the necessary limitations of our nature beyond which we cannot trespass with impunity" ~W.H. Auden

During my 20s, I definitely did a lot of the work aimed towards answering the question, "Who am I?" I remember it as a time of feeling completely confident one moment and then unsteady & confused the next. There were days when I felt so uncomfortable in my skin. These days were balanced, though, by ones in which I easily walked into any situation and felt at ease.

Through a myriad of experiences, I began to discover a self composed of likes, dislikes, attitudes, fears, beliefs, hopes, weaknesses. I understood myself on new levels and did the work of breaking old patterns of thought & behavior that had held me back by for years.

I remember distinctly, a few days after my 30th birthday, thinking, "Whew! I'm so glad to be done with that whole 'finding yourself' business!" Little did I know! Only weeks later did I realize I had entered a new phase, which I call the "But can you deal with who you are" phase! It became clear to me that the new work to be done was to not only accept who I was, but who I wasn't.

When I came across Auden's statement, it made perfect sense. We do have a duty to get past the "limitations" that arise due to trauma, circumstances, or a variety of experiences. This is much of the work I do with my clients - identifying the "false identities" they've taken on as a result of past trauma.

Also, it's important to know what is outside of our nature, because not doing so does lead to detrimental outcomes. Without this clarity, we chastise ourselves unfairly or waste time on things that we aren't suited for. This is also some of the work I do - using a variety of activities and conversations to guide my clients to a clear sense of what they've been striving after that has been a drain, because it is not really a part of who they are.

So! Never again will I say yes to day long shopping adventures (not in my nature). No longer will I say no to high-heels (turns out, I really do like being girly sometimes despite having believed for years that all things feminine were bad).

In order to be true to ourselves, know which relationships are of benefit, identify the boundaries that we need to set, and so much more, we must construct an identity that goes beyond "survivor of abuse."

And if you aren't sure how to get there, and identify as female, then I invite you to participate in my upcoming group program for women. In this safe space, I will guide you towards accepting who you ain't as much as who you is and living in alignment with this knowledge!

To truly knowing yourself,

Watch this video in which Brian Little explores "What makes you, you?".

Read more about how we construct an identity.

What are some of the things that you know about yourself that you have no doubt about?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

NOW ENROLLING!

BEYOND SURVIVING

GROUP PROGRAM FOR WOMEN

ONLY 4 SPOTS LEFT

Program starts September 8th

Learn More & Register Here

-------------------------------------------------------------------

BOOK OF THE MONTH

Are you feeling stressed out, anxious, and alone? Do you stay up all night drenched with worry about how vulnerable you are to what you can't control? Wondering how will you handle it? Because of anxiety and panic, do you double down on your efforts to be smart enough, cool enough, good enough, only to have that effort backfire, and you feel more inadequate and overwhelmed?

Even if you aren't a teen, this is a great read!