They came to you, trusted you - to believe them. To believe in them. Don't break their trust.
Tell Them You Believe Them!
Tell them you're sorry this happened to them. Remind them that it's not their fault. Tell them that you're there for them.
When they break down and cry, hold them in your arms. That's all they need. That's all they want at this moment.
It took so much courage or them just to say those words!
Don't try to fix them. Your only tasks in the moment are to listen and believe. Hold them and comfort them.
Tell them you care. You are here for them. Ask them what they need most from you.
More than anything at this time, they need a trusted friend. Someone who will be there for them.
Listen. Care. Believe.
If you're a trusted friend, congratulations. With your relationship, you have managed to break two of the most problematic difficulties a survivor has: lack of trust and secrecy. This is a huge step for them and you. The healing is just beginning.
When they ask, there are many resources to share. In the pdf "Advocacy Simplified", you'll find Colorado and national resources to help accelerate their healing and recovery.
If they are a child or teen, let them know it's not their fault. It's the most important message you can give to support their resiliency. Get help from a trusted resource like a child advocacy center. This will help reduce the stress on both the child and yourself. They know what to do and when to do it. They will guide you through the steps necessary to provide a more effective response to the child abuse allegations.
If they are a victim of rape/date rape etc. and it just happened, contact a local rape crisis center, encourage them to report it to the authorities. Be with them, they will need your support.
If they are an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), they've likely kept this secret for many years. The average age a CSA survivor shares their story for the first time is 52. It's likely been a secret they've held on to for 10, 20 or even 40+ years.
It's been stuffed down so deep it has probably caused a number of side effects; physical and/ or mental illness, eating disorders, alcoholism, drug abuse, depression and PTSD. Survivors are more likely to experience on-going health challenges like diabetes, weight gain, fibromyalgia, COPD, heart disease, cancer, and high blood pressure.
In addition, you might notice they struggle with:
»» Lack of self confidence, often feeling guilty, or powerless
»» Difficulty trusting and/or feelings of betrayal?
»» Feeling anger, frustration, shame and blame.
»» Struggling with relationships or avoiding them.
»» Difficulty nurturing themselves or even basic self-care.
»» Feeling unseen and unheard or feel as though they have no voice.
Keep seeing them as whole and complete. Share resources.
It's painful for you too. You're in shock. You're angry. "How could this have happened? How could he/she have done this to you? How did I not see it? I would have never thought it. He's/She's so...handsome, charming, charismatic
successful. He's/She's such a pillar in the community, cornerstone of our society."
All these thoughts and more are going through your head.
Perpetrators come in all shapes and sizes. Many are pillars in their community. I was raised in a small mining community (ok many small mining communities, as we moved at least once a year until I was in high school). My father was a shift supervisor and admired by all the men. They never would have imagined that in his own home he abused all 3 of his daughters.
He was handsome, charismatic and a pillar of our small community.
As a trusted friend please just believe and support in any way you can.
If you or someone you know needs immediate help, contact your local crises center. If you're an adult survivor and have done internal work or seen a therapist but need additional support, contact me at 303.525.6893 or Rachel Grant.
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- Claire is a Survivor's Healing Alchemist, Transformational Coach and Reiki Master who empowers others to be seen and heard through her peer led EMPOWER™ Technique and from Wounds to Wisdom mentoring program.
For more than 7 years, Claire has led workshops and mentored individuals guiding them through blocks and helping them identify, release and reframe their trauma to empower their voice and gain the self confidence they desire.
CEO and Founder of The Empowered VOICE traveling exhibit, Claire empowers the voice of survivors through expressive arts and speaking.
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