Imagine my rude awakening when I fell in love for the first time at 17. Never one to do things halfway, we moved in together. I was working full-time, going to high school, and making a home with this boy I was head over hills in love with. But the excitement of new love soon faded and we were faced with reality...bills, dirty dishes, emotional immaturity that led to some pretty bad and physical fights.
I remember feeling cheated. This was not like the movies AT ALL!
Fast forward to today, my understanding of love and relationships has been ever evolving and maturing. My capacity for vulnerability has grown. My knack for staying grounded has deepened. My willingness to forgive has expanded.
And yet...seriously...love still demands so much. Namely what I've discovered as my honey and I celebrate 6 years together this month is that love has a whole hell of a lot to do with the dark side (Star Wars fans unite!).
Love is in part a willingness to accept the risk of being exposed to someone else's dark side and to love that person even so.
And self-love is about a willingness to see, understand, and embrace your own dark side.
***Quick Disclaimer: it matters hugely what kind of dark side exists. If that dark side is abusive (as with my ex-husband), we need not remain. And if our own dark side is abusive, we must own that and take responsibility to address it. Though it's hard to say, this is something I've had to face personally too.***
The other day, I happened upon this little nugget from the Counsels of Wisdom (a piece of Babylonian wisdom literature written in Akkadian containing moral exhortations):
"...requite with kindness your evil-doer... smile on your adversary."
While this is a precursor to "Love thine enemy", something I've always taken as an exhortation for being kind to others, this recently took on a new meaning for me...I turned it inward.
We all have parts of ourselves that we'd rather no one knows about, ways that we act that we later regret, peccadilloes that seem so essential to our well-being that to others might seem absurd...an "evil-doer" (okay let's be real...there is likely more than one!) who manages to run the show at times.
Perhaps the greatest act of self-love is to, in these moments, "smile on your adversary" -- not condone, not surrender, but smile...see that part of yourself and send love there. And when we are having a hard time doing so, hopefully we have someone who can help.
For example, one of my evil-doers I call the "nit picker", and she shows up when I feel stretched too thin. After a 10 hour day (which is actually very rare for me, but the Emerge: Unleash Your Empowered Self retreat is just around the corner, soooo....), I wandered into the kitchen where my honey was making a sandwich. Bread crumbs were on the floor, the counter strewn with things, and here she came in full force, "Are you kidding me? Why don't you clean up after yourself? There's stuff everywhere!"
Now, my guy has come to know this side of me over the years. In the early days, he'd become defensive, but now (most of the time), he knows how to disarm Ms. Nit Picker by wrapping me up in his arms!
In this moment, he smiled upon me, and in turn this helped me smile upon this part of myself, and with a sigh, my system settled, Ms. Nit Picker retired to my inner chambers (taking a chair next to Mr. I Do Everything, Madame You Will Not Take Advantage of Me, and a few others).
I guess, what I'm saying here is that there are parts of myself that I've had to evict (like Miss Rage At Everything), but there are also parts that I'm discovering are likely to be with me until the end. Now, the work of healing and all of the Beyond Surviving tools that I teach and use and will be sharing at the retreat are all about helping me be Ms. Best Most Wonderful Rachel (my optimized, empowered, authentic self) more often than not.
I've set my soul on embracing this year...and I'm getting that part of that is going to be embracing the various shades of me.
And when my lover's "evil-doers" arrive, to smile, embrace, and love him even so.
Now that is real fairy tale love!
This has been brought to you by Ms. Vulnerable, she thanks you for reading :)
Listen to my interview on The Naked Truth About Dating in which we explore the four mistakes we make when searching for "the one".
Read what neuroscience teaches us about building long-term intimacy!
What is one part of yourself that you would like to practice smiling upon?BOOK OF THE MONTH
Women - are you ready for transformation? -- No really ... pause, take a breath, and consider the woman you are today....right now...
Do you notice a feeling of disappointment? Hear a little voice inside saying, "I am NOT living the life I dreamed of!"? Does your body tense in recognition that you are deeply in need of a change but just don't know where to begin?
Ashley & I have both faced a moment like this ... a mental/emotional fork in the road. Choosing one path would have led us to repeating the same old mistakes, feelings of unworthiness, and letting our dreams pass us by. The other path - seemingly way scarier at first - would lead to empowerment, confidence, clarity, disrupting old paradigms, and discovering the most amazing thing - ourselves.
Our first step in charting a new course was MAKING A CHOICE.
Our next step was GETTING GUIDANCE.
When we are navigating unknown territory, we must have guidance (Ashley & I both have a long list of mentors and guides who have helped us along the way) - and that is exactly why we created the Emerge Retreat.
Yes, we'll have time at the beach, and explore embodied movement, and kick back together for a happy hour AND we are also committed to ensuring that the women who come to Emerge will not be the same women leaving it because this is more than an opportunity to refresh - it's an opportunity to say February 2020 is the moment when YOU CHOSE A NEW PATH!
10 women have already made this choice - will you join them?
https://www.TheEmergeRetreat.com/learnmore
NOW ENROLLING
Beyond Surviving Group Program for Men
TUESDAYS, 3:30p-5:00p PT / 6:30p-8:00p ET
Starting APRIL 14th
Don't miss out on this opportunity to reclaim your life!
Learn More & Register Here
February: Control
As children, survivors of childhood abuse experiences of life is often one in which they had no control; things were unpredictable and the people around them were out of control. In trying to make things safer or figure out how to prevent the abuse, many of us become "obsessed" in some way with control.
Learn More & Register Here
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