A Return to Your Genuine Self: January 2020

January 31, 2020

What Darth Vader taught me about love...

I remember distinctly the moment as a twelve year old when the Princess Bride shoved Westley down the hill, and as his body tumbled he shouted, "As YOOOOOOUUUU wish", and my cells shivered and shimmied as they deeply integrated this message about love - whoever loved me would want to fulfill my every desire.

Imagine my rude awakening when I fell in love for the first time at 17. Never one to do things halfway, we moved in together. I was working full-time, going to high school, and making a home with this boy I was head over hills in love with. But the excitement of new love soon faded and we were faced with reality...bills, dirty dishes, emotional immaturity that led to some pretty bad and physical fights.

I remember feeling cheated. This was not like the movies AT ALL!

Fast forward to today, my understanding of love and relationships has been ever evolving and maturing. My capacity for vulnerability has grown. My knack for staying grounded has deepened. My willingness to forgive has expanded.

And yet...seriously...love still demands so much. Namely what I've discovered as my honey and I celebrate 6 years together this month is that love has a whole hell of a lot to do with the dark side (Star Wars fans unite!).

Love is in part a willingness to accept the risk of being exposed to someone else's dark side and to love that person even so.

And self-love is about a willingness to see, understand, and embrace your own dark side.

***Quick Disclaimer: it matters hugely what kind of dark side exists. If that dark side is abusive (as with my ex-husband), we need not remain. And if our own dark side is abusive, we must own that and take responsibility to address it. Though it's hard to say, this is something I've had to face personally too.***

The other day, I happened upon this little nugget from the Counsels of Wisdom (a piece of Babylonian wisdom literature written in Akkadian containing moral exhortations):

"...requite with kindness your evil-doer... smile on your adversary."

While this is a precursor to "Love thine enemy", something I've always taken as an exhortation for being kind to others, this recently took on a new meaning for me...I turned it inward.

We all have parts of ourselves that we'd rather no one knows about, ways that we act that we later regret, peccadilloes that seem so essential to our well-being that to others might seem absurd...an "evil-doer" (okay let's be real...there is likely more than one!) who manages to run the show at times.

Perhaps the greatest act of self-love is to, in these moments, "smile on your adversary" -- not condone, not surrender, but smile...see that part of yourself and send love there. And when we are having a hard time doing so, hopefully we have someone who can help.

For example, one of my evil-doers I call the "nit picker", and she shows up when I feel stretched too thin. After a 10 hour day (which is actually very rare for me, but the Emerge: Unleash Your Empowered Self retreat is just around the corner, soooo....), I wandered into the kitchen where my honey was making a sandwich. Bread crumbs were on the floor, the counter strewn with things, and here she came in full force, "Are you kidding me? Why don't you clean up after yourself? There's stuff everywhere!"

Now, my guy has come to know this side of me over the years. In the early days, he'd become defensive, but now (most of the time), he knows how to disarm Ms. Nit Picker by wrapping me up in his arms!

In this moment, he smiled upon me, and in turn this helped me smile upon this part of myself, and with a sigh, my system settled, Ms. Nit Picker retired to my inner chambers (taking a chair next to Mr. I Do Everything, Madame You Will Not Take Advantage of Me, and a few others).

I guess, what I'm saying here is that there are parts of myself that I've had to evict (like Miss Rage At Everything), but there are also parts that I'm discovering are likely to be with me until the end. Now, the work of healing and all of the Beyond Surviving tools that I teach and use and will be sharing at the retreat are all about helping me be Ms. Best Most Wonderful Rachel (my optimized, empowered, authentic self) more often than not.

I've set my soul on embracing this year...and I'm getting that part of that is going to be embracing the various shades of me.

And when my lover's "evil-doers" arrive, to smile, embrace, and love him even so.

Now that is real fairy tale love!

This has been brought to you by Ms. Vulnerable, she thanks you for reading :)

Listen to my interview on The Naked Truth About Dating in which we explore the four mistakes we make when searching for "the one".

Read what neuroscience teaches us about building long-term intimacy!

What is one part of yourself that you would like to practice smiling upon?

BOOK OF THE MONTH

America's high divorce rate is well known. But little attention has been paid to the flip side: couples who creatively (sometimes clandestinely) manage to build marriages that are lasting longer than we ever thought possible. What's the secret? To find out, bestselling journalist Iris Krasnow interviewed more than 200 wives whose marriages have survived for 15 to 70 years. They are a diverse cast, yet they share one common and significant trait: They have made bold, sometimes secretive and shocking choices on how to keep their marital vows, "till death do us part," as Krasnow says, "without killing someone first."

January 15, 2020

"You're so special" - How Abusers Groom Their Victims

This month, Rose joins us to share how she came to understand the ways in which the abuser groomed her and how this shaped the way she felt about herself and reacted to others. Many times abusers will compliment and nurture their victims as a manipulation, and our job is to untangle these messages from those who harmed us so we can receive the nurturing from those who truly care.

---

In working with several therapists including a child sexual assault trained therapist for three years, I focused on processing, discussing and healing from the abuse. I at times may have mentioned comments of my abuser but I never thought or even worked on how I was groomed, manipulated or threatened into being a tool for my abuser.

Initially what helped me was learning why people sexually abuse others. My abuser was a psychopath. He received joy from seeing others in pain. My guess is he likely was abused himself. He created a deep fear in me so I did not share what he did to me until I was an adult. He was never prosecuted for what he did to me.

When I started my healing, I had confirmation from a private detective he was dead. I had carried a deep sadness that those close to me felt, I never felt safe and I was always taking what people said personally. I was not healthy inside.

Everything came gushing out like a waterfall when I experienced back to back emotional and a physical trauma in 2016. I was emotionally crippled. I had a choice: address the deep seated issues, go under hypnosis or use something to soothe the pain.

I decide I wanted to be happy so I embarked on working on the abuse. The pain I felt at times made it difficult to get out of bed. I just keep stepping one foot in front of the other. I found some okay and good therapists that helped me start the work. I began to research and read anything and everything I could get my hands on to learn as much as I could. I began to unpack the trauma and pain working through my past one session, one hour, one day at a time.

Learning to let go and forgive allowed a heavy weight to be lifted from my soul that I carried for forty years. I felt like I had been carrying a large bag of rocks up a mountain for years and it finally tore open. I had no bag to carry the rocks. I had to stop and decide which rocks I was not ready to leave in that place on the mountain.

As I picked up the rocks, I began to walk slowly up the mountain to find I really didn't want to carry anymore rocks. After 3 years of work I recognized I needed to try something new.

In September 2019, I started working with a new therapist. In working on the traumas, I was tasked with writing down my life history detailing out by year my experiences. During one of the review sessions I shared how my step dad would tell me I was special before and after abuse, and I began to talk about how anytime someone would say I was special, I would feel tightness in my chest and anxiety.

In further discussion, I realized I wanted to scream back, "I am not special." I realized why when my husband surprised me with a beautiful ring saying I was special for an anniversary, I reacted with anger. I had made it in my mind I do not want to be special.

Wow stop everything this is truly awful! Almost worse than the abuse. My abuser created a pattern in my mind that I did not want to feel, be told or be recognized as special.

Unknown to me until I recognized the deep pattern, I was stopping myself from feeling special. I had been impacted and the people who loved me had been impacted by this unhealthy pattern. For over forty years, I felt uncomfortable anytime someone said I was special. The light bulb that went off. I have to change this pattern. I recognize how my own challenges with feeling special had been impacting my life in negative ways in my marriage, in relationships and how I viewed and felt about myself. How many times when my husband told me I was special and I responded in odd ways. I had created unhealthy patterns in my marriage.

This discovery catapulted my healing and opened me to identifying other grooming and abuses that had created unhealthy patterns for me that was impacting my self esteem, daily life and limiting me in my marriage, friendships and in work.

This discovery helped me understand why I have and was reacting so strongly to anyone that I sensed was attempting to manipulate me. It helped me identify and explain so many unhealthy patterns and break them. I began to see other patterns that were unhealthy or not serving me and have discovered how people attempt to push patterns on others.

While I am only four months after this life changing discovery, I feel that the progress I have made in the last four months has been key to loving myself for who I am more and more each day.

The trauma work was the foundation to discovery and healing. I went from a survivor who always said I will not let what happened to me define me to say I am now thriving, and I hope the discovery of how grooming impacted me for decades can hopefully help others break free sooner from the patterns created by grooming.

I am thriving and looking for patterns created that I need to change. Let's break the patterns and thrive together. Now I know I am truly special for who I am and for what I am. Being special is wonderful.

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A thriving and happy survivor of childhood sexual abuse and teenage rape, Rose found refuge in work. She became a workaholic to escape traumas, stay around people for a false since of safety until 2016 when she embarked on a new journey to heal the deep pains. In September 2019 while working through the traumas, she discovered the deep unhealthy patterns created by "grooming". Finding very little about the impacts of grooming, she has felt compelled to share the patterns and growth. She hopes to create more conversations, discussions and hopefully inspire others to break the unhealthy grooming patterns. She lives in California with her supportive husband and dogs.

January 9, 2020

Let's talk about how to stop shoulding all over yourself and others...

Time needed: 5 minutes

The irony here is that I really believe you "should" check out this video ;)

Watch Now!

https://youtu.be/mh_ZWBSDWeE

January 6, 2020

Without a doubt, this year I will achieve...

This is the beginning of a new decade.

What is done is done and something new is about to happen.

THIS is your chance to leave the past behind and step into your new empowered self, to reinvent it all and create the life you deserve!

But this type of massive upleveling starts from the inside out.

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten. If you want to step into becoming the confident, purposeful, courageous self of your dreams, you’re gonna have to do something different.

You’re gonna have to disrupt the current pattern or next year this time you’ll be in exactly the same place as you are today. Are you really ok with that?

My bet is - you're not! And that's exactly how you and I have found our way into connection.

One thing I know about the folks in my community is that you all are curious, creative, intuitive, courageous, and learners.

That's why I have to share with you this special opportunity to kick off the New Year as powerfully as you can!

FOR THE LADIES

4 Keys to Creating the Empowered Life that You Deserve

THIS SATURDAY, January 11th
11a PT / 1p CT / 2p ET
60 minutes

In this FREE Masterclass, Ashley Easter and I teach you FOUR tools for successfully creating the life you want and deserve in 2020.

We are entering a season of change, and I believe we are all being asked to rise to the occasion, to be willing to take the steps needed to uplevel into the life of your choosing!

DURING THIS FREE MASTERCLASS YOU WILL LEARN:

How to emancipate and embody the vessel that is yours so you can stand strong and take up the space you deserve
How to feel your feelings and unleash your voice with intention and courage
How to take charge of your stress response system and remain in your adult, empowered self so you can be liberated from the clutches of activation and reactivity
How to hear and trust your inner wisdom so you can live a personally empowered life.

You in?

Register here for this FREE one hour Masterclass
(watch live or catch the replay)

FOR THE GUYS

5 Keys to Confidence
Free MP3 Download

BY DOWNLOADING THIS MASTER CLASS, YOU WILL:

Discover the 3 mistakes survivors of abuse make that lead to a perpetual lack of confidence
Uncover the specific beliefs that likely lead you to sabotage your best efforts at succeeding
Identify the actions you can take right now to tap into your strengths and break free of inaction
Learn 5 practical, easy to use strategies to put an end to constantly sizing yourself up and finally feel confident

Download the mp3
Download the worksheet

Regardless of where you're at here at the beginning of 2020, I so look forward to being a resource and support to you as you strive ever forwards and generate breakthroughs and further reclaim your life!

To upleveling,

Listen as Christine Michelle shares how she upleveled her life and get three tools for shifting in the new year.

Read about the 10 easy things you can do to start the new year right!

What is one thing that you without a doubt want to achieve this year?

BOOK OF THE MONTH

Destiny was an extraordinary girl, but she doesn't know it because sometimes most precious treasures are hidden beneath miles of opposition. She can't fathom that she is a diamond in the rough.