---
I took a deep breath and continued
on for the next two hours, going through sexual details of the report,
identifying marks on his body, logistics of the rectory, time frames, and
potential witnesses.
Memories surfaced that I had
forgotten, and with them floods of emotion. I remembered that after being
sexually abused I would often cry because I was afraid that I was in the state
of mortal sin and going to hell. I believed that I was corrupting a man of God.
I believed it was my fault. I would beg the priest to hear my confession and he
would. He blamed me for what was happening. I loved him and would have done
anything for him.
And for the first time, I made the
painful emotional connection of what happened to me. For the first time I
understood that I was sexually, emotionally and spiritually abused. On a core
level, I had come to believe that I was bad. I had been carrying this around for
years. By the end of the meeting I could see that the council not only believed
me, but were emotionally invested. A warm buzz of relief echoed within me. This
was my first experience with the healing power of telling my story. The power
of emotional vulnerability. And every time I tell my story, the healing expands.
Ultimately, the case came down to
my word against his. The council unanimously agreed that I had been sexually
abused. The next week the priest met with the council and denied everything. The
bishop ultimately took him out of the priesthood for noncompliance.
His community formed a circle
around him, created a Facebook page in his support, and even hung yellow
ribbons on trees. They believe he was treated unfairly; a witch hunt. Priests
have a lot of power in communities. Not only are they spiritual authorities who
bestow the grace of God through the sacraments, they become family over the
years as they preside over weddings, and funerals. They attend football games
and participate in holidays. They are deeply loved and trusted individuals.
It was announced at all the
churches in the diocese that the priest had been accused of sexual misconduct
and to call if anyone had any information. Only one person called the hotline. A
woman left a message stating that her husband became very depressed and upset
after the announcement. He told her that he had been sexually abused by the
same priest but would never go on record. She hung up.
I feared
going public with this because my parents still lived near that community. My
mom told me many times, "David, please don’t let that hold you back from
telling your story. I’m not afraid. We’ll be fine."
---
---
Over the next few years, I worked
intensely with my spiritual coach and discovered that there is a direct
relationship to feeling stuck, half present, on auto pilot, and being a
survivor of childhood sexual and emotional abuse. I used to think I had an
anxiety disorder but have come to see the etiology is shame, setting off
symptoms of anxiety and panic. Shame is an emotional response that arises out
of experiences of being unloved, unaccepted and abused. It creates the delusion
that we are alone, separate, and hopeless. The shame of being sexually abused,
being bullied for being gay, and having a parent who didn’t show up, had colored
the lens of my perspective in all areas of my life, holding me back.
Shame is one of the lowest
energetic vibrations and subconsciously sabotages us from having deeper
meaningful relationships, excelling in career, making more money, and moving
into our life purpose. Shame is the voice within that says, "I’m not good
enough. I’m unworthy. I’m defective, and bad. I’ll never get there." Shame
attracts shame.
I
learned to survive the shame of being abused by creating strategies such as
pretending everything is okay, distracting myself, numbing out, and blaming the
world. I felt untrusting of myself and those around me. The mask I created to
survive my life was "happy, optimistic, proud, gay David". There was no room
anywhere for me to have shame. In fact, my mother sent me a book about shame in
my twenties and it made me feel angry. "Why would she think I need this?" I viewed shame and vulnerability as weakness
and wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. It’s really no wonder I felt so disconnected
in my life.
The path to spiritual awakening is
through shame, for it is our shame that creates the delusion that we are not
enough, that we are broken, that we unsupported and alone. It blinds us from
our true spiritual nature and our life purpose. The pathway requires getting
past the gargoyles of the ego mind that are protecting repressed experiences of
shame that are often running the show in our lives. Our experiences of abuse. This
is no easy task because shame feels like death to our ego and will be fiercely
resisted. It’s a path not often taken and is the path of true healing.
Beyond what may feel like immense
darkness within, where I am holding myself hostage with my own self judgement,
is an ocean of light. I return to this light over and over as the healing
becomes deeper and the multiple layers of the onion of my inner terrain are
revealed. I return to the child I left behind in pain. The child I told to run
and never look back. I sit with the child I once was every time I experience
shame, realizing that only I can give myself the love and compassion that
creates healing within. It’s a never ending journey. Falling upward and
expanding into the second half of life.
I used to think that my experiences
of sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse were unfortunate obstacles to my path
but now see that the obstacles ARE the path. In fact, the shame recovery
coaching work I do today was born through my healing journey. I teach mind,
body, spirit practices, processes and visualizations to assist abuse survivors
in waking up from whatever shame infused reality you have bought into so you
can be the joyful purpose driven individual you were to be. Shame recovery
coaching is restorative in nature, bringing you back to the light you have
always been, and putting you back in the driver’s seat of your life.
Join my "warrior group" for adult survivors of childhood abuse at awakeyou.com.
When you sign up for my email list, you gain access to my free life-changing master class, SHAMEGAME 101.
I’ll also be sending you mind, body, spirit practices via email and will keep you posted about my upcoming online course, "From Shame to Abundance".
A special thanks to Rachel for extending this invitation to participate as a guest here. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support.
---
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A special thanks to Rachel for extending this invitation to participate as a guest here. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support.
David Lohman DeVore, M.A. is a shame recovery coach, and survivor or childhood sexual abuse. He began his career twenty-five years ago as a wellness coach and personal trainer. He became a psychotherapist in 2003 and developed a mind, body, spirit life coaching practice. Over the last eight years, David’s spiritual and healing journey became his main focus. He made the discovery that shame was subconsciously holding him back in all areas of his life. It has become his passion to share practices to assist survivors in waking up from the shame driven world that blinds us from the joyful purpose-driven life we were born to live.
Find out more about David’s work at Awakeyou.com
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NOW ENROLLING...
BEYOND SURVIVING GROUP PROGRAM FOR MEN
STARTS APRIL 9th
My Beyond Surviving Program is my in-depth program of live coaching calls and support that teach you how to finally be free of the past and move on with your life.
It's for you if you want step-by-step support to reliably and consistently navigate life with clarity and ease.
This program is designed for all types of survivors who are sick and tired of going around the same mountain over and over again and who want to learn specific tools and skills for transforming their lives.
In the Beyond Surviving program, I've combined what I have learned through my own journey of recovery from sexual abuse, my study of neuroscience, my training in counseling psychology, and my experience working with hundreds of clients. I have included every lesson, exercise, worksheet, client example, and training module that has made a difference for me and my clients into this program.
We use my guidebook, Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse, as the roadmap through seven modules that address the critical areas of life that are impacted by abuse.
It's for you if you want step-by-step support to reliably and consistently navigate life with clarity and ease.
This program is designed for all types of survivors who are sick and tired of going around the same mountain over and over again and who want to learn specific tools and skills for transforming their lives.
In the Beyond Surviving program, I've combined what I have learned through my own journey of recovery from sexual abuse, my study of neuroscience, my training in counseling psychology, and my experience working with hundreds of clients. I have included every lesson, exercise, worksheet, client example, and training module that has made a difference for me and my clients into this program.
We use my guidebook, Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse, as the roadmap through seven modules that address the critical areas of life that are impacted by abuse.
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