This week, Xanet Pailet gets real about the real truth that our bodies are designed to experience and explores some of the blocks that prevent us from accessing this pleasure.
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Did you know that the human body was literally designed to experience pleasure? I know this might sound odd given that we give such little attention to our physical pleasure, but it’s really true. A great example of this is the sheer fact that women possess a clitoris - a pleasure-center that is only found among female mammals. It serves no reproductive purposes, and simply exists to create intense and pleasurable physical sensations.
But what is it that sometimes blocks us from being able to truly experience pleasure?
One of the largest inhibitors of feeling pleasure on a physical and emotional level is the presence of shame. When you experience the feeling of shame, it can instantly block the pleasure receptors, and stop you from being able to fully experience the positive effects of physical touch.
But what is it that sometimes blocks us from being able to truly experience pleasure?
If a person feels shame about his or her body, it could instantly translate to a loss of pleasure in the bedroom. In today’s world, we are constantly bombarded by images of perfect, airbrushed bodies with teeny waistlines and six pack abs.
We see advertisements of toned people who never seem to age, and we are constantly comparing ourselves to them. It’s no wonder that we feel ashamed of our natural bodies! It’s impossible to measure up! But the fact of the matter is that humans come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and like it or not, we are aging.
We see advertisements of toned people who never seem to age, and we are constantly comparing ourselves to them. It’s no wonder that we feel ashamed of our natural bodies! It’s impossible to measure up! But the fact of the matter is that humans come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and like it or not, we are aging.
On the journey to experience your physical body’s full pleasure capacity, it is important to rid yourself of your body-shaming habits, and begin an intentional quest towards self love.
Try the following exercises from Chapter 3 of my new book, Living an Orgasmic Life to begin to overcome body-shame, and to love your body exactly the way it is:
* Grab a pen and paper, and write down all of the the things that you love and adore about your body. Be as specific as possible. If you love your hair, get detailed about what it is that you love, such as "I love the way that my hair gets natural bouncy curls that frame my face."
* Look into a mirror, and use this list to affirm yourself, preferably out loud. Take some time to admire the parts of your body that you love, and to really allow the feelings of speaking kind words to yourself to fully sink in.
* Send some loving thoughts to the parts of your body that perhaps you don’t love as much. Instead of ridiculing yourself, make it a point to pause at that part of your body and think "I am sending love there.
* Continue to reach for self-love verbiage as a habit, anytime your negative self-talk begins to creep in. By doing this and forming a habit, you can slowly cultivate some serious body love!
* If you struggle with body image issues, check out my colleague Elle Chase’s awesome blog, www.ladycheeky.com. Elle is a body image and pleasure advocate and the author of Curvy Girl Sex.
* Grab a pen and paper, and write down all of the the things that you love and adore about your body. Be as specific as possible. If you love your hair, get detailed about what it is that you love, such as "I love the way that my hair gets natural bouncy curls that frame my face."
* Look into a mirror, and use this list to affirm yourself, preferably out loud. Take some time to admire the parts of your body that you love, and to really allow the feelings of speaking kind words to yourself to fully sink in.
* Send some loving thoughts to the parts of your body that perhaps you don’t love as much. Instead of ridiculing yourself, make it a point to pause at that part of your body and think "I am sending love there.
* Continue to reach for self-love verbiage as a habit, anytime your negative self-talk begins to creep in. By doing this and forming a habit, you can slowly cultivate some serious body love!
* If you struggle with body image issues, check out my colleague Elle Chase’s awesome blog, www.ladycheeky.com. Elle is a body image and pleasure advocate and the author of Curvy Girl Sex.
Judgments that you have about what is "right" and "wrong" about different types of sexual experiences is another place where shame can hold you back from pleasure. Perhaps your sexual blueprint and past experiences have led you to believe that certain sexual experiences are taboo. One of my clients fantasizes about a nurse/doctor scene, but she feels too embarrassed to ask her partner to engage in this role play with her, holding her back from experiencing her true erotic desires and her pleasure. I used to think that flogging was only for masochists, but then I experienced it myself and was shocked at how much erotic pleasure I derived from it.
The next time that you notice your own judgment coming up, take note of your resistance and remember that your body is designed for pleasure. You may also wish to take time in the future to journal about your sexual experiences, and your own understanding of what you perceive to be right or wrong in terms of your sexuality. Is there something in your belief system that you feel is holding you back? Note whether it’s your own belief or one that is imposed upon you.
The next time that you notice your own judgment coming up, take note of your resistance and remember that your body is designed for pleasure. You may also wish to take time in the future to journal about your sexual experiences, and your own understanding of what you perceive to be right or wrong in terms of your sexuality. Is there something in your belief system that you feel is holding you back? Note whether it’s your own belief or one that is imposed upon you.
"Sex pleasure in woman is a kind of magic spell; it demands complete abandon; if words or movements oppose the magic of caresses, the spell is broken"
Simone de Beauvoir
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Xanet Pailet, author of the new book, Living an Orgasmic Life, is a recovered NYC health care lawyer who lived in a sexless marriage for over two decades. After experiencing her own sexual healing and awakening in 2011, she transitioned her career into a full-time sex and intimacy educator and coach. She offers 1:1 coaching and online group programs to empower women around their sexuality and strengthen couples’ relationship and intimacy skills.
Xanet is a certified Somatica Sex and Intimacy Coach, Sexological Body Worker, Holistic Pelvic Care Practitioner, Tantra Educator and is trauma trained in Somatic Experiencing. She is on the faculty of the Ecstatic Living Institute and the Somatica Institute.
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