This month, Xanet Pailet joins us to share about the amazing work she is doing to support survivors of sexual abuse rediscover themselves, awaken their pleasure, and reconnect with their desire and sexuality. Not only is Xanet an expert in this field, she is also counted as one of my dearest friends. This is a not to be missed series! And be sure to check out her new book too!
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I
truly believe you can learn about your future by looking at your past. Every
time I start working with a client, we spend time exploring their views on sex,
intimacy, how they were raised, life experiences, and the world views that
surround them. Their upbringing and life worldview can consciously or
subconsciously color the way they view intimacy, and that will invariably influence
their relationships.
The
various messages we receive growing up and throughout life can really impact
our view on sex and intimacy. For most people there is a layer of shame,
sometimes two feet deep, that can have a profound impact on their sex life.
In
my new book, Living an Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure,
I devote an entire chapter to shame, which I call "The Nastiest Five Letter Word
in the Universe". Shame is so insidious that we feel shame even talking about
shame. It’s rarely brought up, except maybe in the context of therapy.
But
shame creeps up constantly in our lives. Rarely does a client walk through my
door without shouldering a boatload of shame.
This
shame can stem from a variety of experiences, subconscious world views, our
environment and even the way we saw our parents express intimacy towards each
other.
Here
are a few examples of some common ‘pain’ areas most of us have experienced. If
these sound familiar to you, know that you are not alone and this is the first
step to reaching your full pleasure potential!
For
women: We are programmed to say no to sex. We are told to "keep
our legs shut" and to always be wary of boys because they only ever want one
thing. Girls who are sexually active are also slut-shamed, most commonly by
other girls
These
messages disconnect us from our body and our own healthy desire for sexual
intimacy.
For
men: Unlike women, most men are encouraged to sow their wild
oats as long as they "always use protection" and "don’t get her pregnant". This
mentality encourages the objectification of women, which makes it harder for a
man to create intimacy and appreciate a woman for characteristics besides her
looks or how good she is in bed.
For
everyone: We all receive negative messages
about our body which also impacts our sexuality. Too big or too small sex
organs, breasts, and butts. Discomfort with looking at our own naked bodies.
Feeling that we are too tall, too short, too thin or too fat. This makes us
feel not good enough and not desirable by another.
These
common influences are both powerful and harmful, and most of the time
completely unconscious. But you have to understand where your shame and
intimacy world views come from in order for you to move forward.
That
is why I work with all my clients to help them figure out their Sexual
Much
like those plans, you have a blueprint that is comprised of all your life
experiences, like the examples above, that make up your sense of self as a
sexual being. The elements include:
- Messages
you received about sex as a child from parents, other adults, and society
- Early
childhood sexual exploration with yourself and/or others
- Your
first sexual experiences
- Relationships
with your Mother and Father or primary caregiver
- Seminal
Events that impacted your Body Image
- Religious
Ideology or Indoctrination
In
my book, I provide a guide and a series of
exercises to help you understand and interpret your own sexual blueprint. I
even give you some suggestions to help you normalize shame, including sharing
your sexual blueprint with a friend or a partner.
I
also share my own shame stories and those of my clients so that you will see
that you’re not alone and likely share many similar experiences. Getting familiar
and comfortable with your shame is the most important step towards healing it
and realizing your full pleasure and intimacy potential.
Let’s
get you living your fullest pleasure potential!
Read Part 2: Ancient Cultures Were Sex Positive! Why Are We Sex-Negative Now?
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Xanet
Pailet, author of the new book, Living an
Orgasmic Life, is a recovered NYC health care lawyer who lived in a sexless
marriage for over two decades. After
experiencing her own sexual healing and awakening in 2011, she transitioned her
career into a full-time sex and intimacy educator and coach. She offers 1:1 coaching and online group programs
to empower women around their sexuality and strengthen couples’ relationship
and intimacy skills.
Xanet
is a certified Somatica Sex and Intimacy Coach, Sexological Body Worker,
Holistic Pelvic Care Practitioner, Tantra Educator and is trauma trained in
Somatic Experiencing. She is on the faculty of the Ecstatic Living Institute
and the Somatica Institute.
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