This week, Jen Evans explores how trauma creates the stories we live by and how re-writing them gives us our power back.
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“We tell ourselves stories in order to live.” Joan Didion
I have this quote stuck on my wall, a constant reminder that at
any one point in my day, I am telling myself a story, and that I had better
check that it’s a story I want to tell myself and the world.
I’ve spent a lifetime telling stories. My dream growing up was to
become a writer. But instead of pursuing the career that most spoke to me, I
opted for safe and accessible work, and pastimes that did not involve a window
into my own soul. That was far too dangerous. Best to just paint the window
frame, but keep it boarded up.
Through my healing journey, a journey from constant fear and
anxiety, depression and chronic physical illnesses, I came back to the desire
at my core, the true self that knew all along what it’s purpose in this world
was. I came back to my need to write, to tell stories that translated my
experience and connected me to everyone and everything else. And I learnt that
I had been a storyteller all along, just not the kind I had dreamed of being.
It turns out I am a great storyteller. How do I know this?
Because I told myself the greatest of stories, the most elaborate and
convincing of tales, my entire life. They were so believable I knew no other
reality. I retold them daily, embellished them often and held on to them when
anything threatened their existence. They were the filter through which I
experienced all of life, every person, circumstance, place and feeling.
I’m not safe. I must stay in defense mode. I must hide. No matter how hard I
try, it will always end badly. Brace for the pain. I must have justice, here’s
an elaborate plan on how to get it. I must be perfect. The universe is against
me, I will never be ok…
The stories were epic, hundreds of volumes long. I can now see
that the first volumes in the series were written well before my birth, in a
hand not my own, and in a place I have never known. I was born into the story,
I learnt it well, and I kept it alive with play, performance and chapters of my
own.
It wasn’t until I understood where my stories came from that I
could see them for what they really were: A tale. A fiction. A possibility. Not
necessarily a truth. And not necessarily true for me.
Many teachers will tell a novice writer to just "write what you
know’' Thus, stories are born from the writer's experience and interpretation
of that experience. In the same way, stories that we tell ourselves about
the world and ourselves come from our experience and our interpretation of
experience.
When we experience trauma, that event or series of events gives
us an opportunity to learn something about the world and ourselves. What we
learn is based on numerous factors, including our already existent belief
system, and the messages we get at the time of the trauma. But in that moment,
whatever the pre-disposing factors, we learn something. We decide something
about the world or ourself, and that becomes one of our stories. And if the
conditions of interpretation are set to be negative, the belief that gets made
will often be negative too.
I’m not good enough. I am not safe.
It’s my fault. There’s something wrong with me. I hate myself. The world is a
dangerous place.
So once we start to tell these stories, they become the way we
see the world and interpret it. Someone says something mean to you in school? Well,
that’s because you’re not good enough. You are too scared to do what you
want, so you do what you think you should? Well, you’re not safe to be
yourself so be someone else. You develop a debilitating long-term illness
that you can’t seem to recover from? Well, that’s because there’s something
fundamentally wrong with you.
We didn’t decide on these stories because we are silly or
unimaginative or weak. We decided on these stories because at the time they
were made, they seemed sensible. They seemed to do the job they were created to
do - to protect us, to give us an alternative to what was actually going on, or
to explain what was going on.
Maybe when my father told me winning 1st prize wasn’t good
enough, it was psychologically safer to believe I was not good enough than to
believe anything else. That was the story he was teaching me; if I believed
anything else I would be going up against him and therefore opening myself up
to even more attack, and moreover I would run the risk of crushing
disappointment every time I achieved anything. In that moment, it was safer for
me to believe that I was not good enough and never would be. It was a survival
strategy that worked at the time.
Every story has a purpose. We tell them in order to live.
But at some point the story becomes redundant, and the effects
that it can create to live from a place of negative storytelling become
unbearable - pain, exhaustion, illness, misalignment to life purpose. What
happens then?
Then we have to recognize the story. It’s time to rewrite what
was only meant to be a short-term survival strategy. Once recognized, its
important to accept it and thank it for helping you to survive. Genuine respect
for the stories we tell can help us to collaborate with them rather than resist
them even further. Deeply acknowledging that the story really no longer serves
you comes next, and the willingness to let it go can be a major step in the
healing process. Finally, the story needs to be re-written.
What story would you rather tell yourself? What do you want to
believe about the world and yourself? The revelation of self-work, therapy,
awakening, whatever path you have taken is this - the stories we tell ourselves
define our experience of the world, they are all self-fulfilling prophesies.
There are many ways to recognize and re-write our beliefs,
including techniques based on neuroplasticity. I’ve used many myself in my
healing journey from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, an eating disorder, depression,
anxiety and IBS; my favourites currently being meditation, EFT and
Matrix-Reimprinting, ACE, coaching and the Gupta Program. Any technique that
can help to empower you in setting your own stories and living from a place of
love, acceptance and possibility is a beautiful way to live a fulfilled,
healthful and intentional life.
So tell your own story, and live the life of your own choosing.
That power is yours.
Membership to The Women’s Wellness Circle, a supportive online healing space for women recovering from chronic illness and trauma, is available from mid-October 2018. See womenswellnesscircle.com for more details and to access our free "Reclaim your Health" course.
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Jen is a dedicated and compassionate Wellness Coach, EFT and Matrix-Reimprinting Practitioner, teacher, writer and (slightly obsessive!) herb gardener.
Jen spent a lifetime with varying degrees of stress-related illnesses that culminated in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in 2012. Through her recovery journey she tried - well, everything - from diets to bodywork to energy medicine and beyond.
Jen recovered her heath when she awoke to the lifelong trauma she had experienced and dedicated herself to healing and releasing it, using a variety of techniques including coaching, EFT and Matrix-Reimprinting, ACE and meditation.
She now strives to support others to realize their abundant power to heal and live fulfilled lives.
Jen is Co-Director of the Women’s Wellness Circle www.womenswellnesscircle.com, and is available for 1-2-1 coaching sessions - see more details at her website www.balanceandflow.org
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