I've Got Abandonment Issues

Abandon: to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert; to give up; discontinue; withdraw from; withdraw protection or support 

When it comes to abandonment, we are very much driven by a fear of the unknown. We don’t know if the people we are connecting to may one day withdraw their protection or support. They may “forsake” us, and not just a little, but utterly. The more we become connected, the greater the risk, because we have more at stake should the person choose to walk away.

In an effort to alleviate this terrible sense of “not knowing,” we’ll often do a variety of things. We will over-control, seek constant reassurance, or be on high alert for anything that looks like withdrawal. Worst case scenario, as soon as we start to feel close, we’ll push away and sabotage the relationship.

This fear of abandonment is extremely common in those of us who have experienced a trauma, been abused, or just suffered life. We have experienced very real and tangible abandonment – the loss of protection by those who were supposed to care for us. Unfortunately, we then begin living as if this is going to be the case with everyone we come across. I certainly had for a long time the false belief that, “People always leave.” As a result, guess what – people around me often didn’t stick around for long, because I would pretty much act in a way that ensured they wouldn’t want to! That’s a hard thing to acknowledge, but we have to be straight about the role we play today that leads us to recreate the experience of being abandoned over and over again.

Earlier, I only gave you the first part of the definition of abandonment. Here’s the rest:

To give up the control of; to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation.

When I read this, I thought, “Hmm, maybe I need to abandon myself to abandonment!” If I give up trying to control for abandonment, then I will actually begin taking steps towards real connection. I could abandon the confined space I create for relating to others when I shift my focus and energy away from trying to prevent their withdrawal and enter into an open, free space where I am present to the fact that they are here with me right now, in this moment. Instead of maneuvering to try to get some guarantee that they will always be here no matter what, I can appreciate the person for being here right now.

Point is, the fear of abandonment keeps us so focused on the future “what ifs” that we miss out on what is happening right now. Another, and more tragic, outcome is that we behave so poorly as a result of our fear, that we pretty much guarantee that things will fall apart.

One last thought. We will never be able to get away from taking risks in relationships. We can, however, learn to take calculated risks. This means we have to get out of the nasty habit of connecting to others who are so high risk that we’re pretty much setting ourselves up for failure. Today, I want to encourage you to practice giving up trying to control for the future and to remain in the present moment. Also, give some thought to the types of risks you are taking – are they measured (even if still daring) or just playing with fire?

REFLECTION

- Who abandoned you and how did they abandon you?

- What have you come to believe about people and relationships as a result?

- What do you do to protect yourself from being abandoned?

- How can you shift your focus from trying to control future outcomes to what is happening right now?

- How do you know if you are taking a calculated risk or not?

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Loneliness - Part 2

Did you know that being lonely can actually provide us an opportunity for growth? Our ability to sit and remain grounded in the lonely times is no small thing. In The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis is telling the story of a man who has lost his son and is experiencing a deep sense of loss and emptiness – loneliness. Lewis writes that, in this void, “in the loneliness, in the silence, something else might begin to grow.” When I read this, it immediately jumped out at me. Lewis doesn’t go on to explain what that “something else” is, but I think it is independence.

The experience of abuse often leaves us clamoring for love, affection, and attention. We bounce from relationship to relationship, job to job, activity to activity – refusing to ever stop long enough to deal with who we are when we are on our own. Now, this is in no way related to the popular idea that we must “love ourselves before we can love others.” I think, quite frankly, that’s a ridiculous statement. I’ve actually come to love myself much more deeply through the relationships and reflections of my partners than when I was on my own. What I did gain by developing the capacity to be in the loneliness was a sense that I could stand on my own two feet. I understood that the love and experiences that come with being with others is amazing and to be appreciated, but I also learned that my existence wasn’t dependent on “belonging.” As a result, one very important thing changed. I stopped saying “yes” to things just because I was afraid of being alone or it proving that I didn’t belong. Instead, I began to powerfully choose for myself who I wanted to spend time with and what experiences I wanted to have.

REFLECTION

- What things are you saying “yes” to out of the fear of being alone or not belonging?

- What are the payoffs & costs of the story “I don’t belong”?

I want to encourage you to practice challenging the stories that cause you to feel lonely and disconnected, while also noticing how your time alone changes when you use it as an opportunity to develop independence rather than as a sign that you are all alone.

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Loneliness - Part 1

When I was twelve years old, I went to one of the many slumber parties that would sprinkle my childhood days. I was super excited to be going to this particular slumber party, though, because my best friend was the hostess. She lived next door (so there was the added comfort that I could just go home if things went wrong), and we had spent lots of time together playing in the wide open fields behind our houses. I was at ease about going to the party knowing that there was at least one person there who I could have fun with.

This definitely wasn’t always the case. After the abuse, I remember days when it felt like all of the color had been drained out the world. I would watch my peers play with their dolls and even beginning to gossip about which boy they thought was the cutest in the class. In those moments, I felt like a complete outsider. I wanted to scream at them, “How can you be so silly! Don’t you know really bad things happen in this world!?” I felt alone and like I just didn’t belong with these girls. This feeling has stayed with me through the years, even as the topics have gone from cute boys to, well, cute men.

Abuse changes how we see the world. It strips away our innocence and we grow up well before we should. It’s as though I was walking along a similar path with these other girls and then we reached a fork in the road. I continued on my journey that included the experience of abuse and they continued on theirs – minus abuse. My path was a bit thornier, bleaker but there were sometimes clearings where I could see the other path and the sun and laughter that was there. I’d try to soak up as much of it as I could – if even from a distance – but could never seem to break away from the path I was on.

This experience – of being forced to see the world too soon and, as a result, feeling like we just don’t belong – is one that stays with us for a long time. It is one of our stories – “I don’t belong.” As adults, we often find it hard to relate to others who haven’t shared our same path. We long for the look of recognition and ability to think deeply about things that matter and are turned off by relationships and conversations that remain shallow.

The trouble is that we are constantly out to prove that we don’t belong. So, regardless of the situation, we stand on the outside and judge, evaluate the situation rather than engage and bring an attitude of openness. We need to understand that the story of “I don’t belong” is greatly impacting how connected we are to others. We also need to accept and appreciate that not everyone is our cup of tea! You may find it harder to connect with others, but you only exacerbate the problem when you continue to have the attitude that you are somehow an outsider, flawed, damaged, or never fit in.

REFLECTION

• How has loneliness been a part of your life?
• What thoughts or self-talk do you have that make you feel lonely (e.g. nobody likes me, no one understands me)?
• How do you isolate yourself from others?
• What do you do when you are feeling lonely?
• Have you ever felt like you belong? List some people, groups, or communities to which you belong?

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Family Matters - Part 2

Last week, I wrote a bit about the roles we take on in our family and then later continue playing. This week, I want to share some of the core false beliefs that people who grow up in families where abuse/dysfunction occurred develop. These are*:

• I must meet certain standards in order to feel good about myself.
• I must have others’ approval.
• Because I have failed, I am unworthy and deserve to be punished.
• I am what I am, I cannot change; I am hopeless.

These are false beliefs that we can challenge; we don’t have to continue holding onto or being shaped by these ideas. One way that I work with clients to challenge these false beliefs is to have them rewrite them as new stories that will give them freedom and possibility:

Example: I can feel good about myself even when I make a mistake, because it means I am trying and learning.

One important thing to understand here is that there is nothing, in general, wrong with having standards or needing approval. Problems occur, however, when we set up these beliefs as “musts.” If we can’t function and feel good about ourselves without the approval of others, for example, then things have gotten out of balance.

Much of who you are and how you see the world is shaped by the family you grew up in. You received all sorts of messages about what behavior was and wasn’t acceptable. At times, family members may have made statements that influenced how you saw yourself, relationships, or the world. The thing is, whatever messages our family members gave us about ourselves were simply that – messages sent. They are like telegrams that were sent long ago and became wired into our thinking, but all of that is up for grabs now. You get to choose at this point which things you believe, which things you don’t believe, and which things are really just about them, it’s their stuff – so that doesn’t have to be how you think about relationships or yourself any longer.

Here’s the bad news: in order to recover – you have to let people off the hook for the things they do and say. This doesn’t mean you have to continue to be abused or receive negative messages; it just means you have to make it about them and not about you.

The next, and often harder level, is to begin to notice that we begin to take these experiences with people and determine – or prove – things about them. We begin to define who they “ARE.” For example, my mother is over-bearing; my father is cold and disconnected; my husband is lazy. This is similar to what we are out to prove about others. When we have it that someone else “IS” the provider, the dependable one, the loser, the aggressor – this keeps you and them trapped with no possibility, because you frame all of their behavior with this lens or limit them to a particular way of being.

What do you have the people in your life being? How do you define them?

Example: My mother is a nuisance. My father is the one I can trust. My husband is my life.

What are the costs of doing so?

Example: If my husband is my life, I’m not owning and taking responsibility for my own journey.

What new possibility becomes available by giving up who you’ve had them being?

Example: If I give up defining my husband as my life, I’ll experience independence and relieve him of the enormous pressure of being “my life”!

When we determine who others will be, we limit and suffocate them and harm ourselves in the process, because we are unable to embrace the entire person. If your abuser is still in your life, one of the hardest but most freeing steps you can take is to stop defining them as “the abuser” and to begin seeing the whole person. This is particularly important if you want any sort of real relationship to occur. Now, if the person is still abusing you to this day in some way, this statement doesn’t apply to you!

REFLECTION

Who are the people you’ve been limiting by defining who they “ARE” for you and not allowing room for anything else? Once you’ve identified these people, I encourage you to go to them and share who you’ve had them being and what you now see as possible because you are giving that up.

A little How-To Guide:

1. Tell the person who you’ve had them being
2. Share the cost
3. Create a new possibility that becomes present when you stop defining them

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Family Matters - Part 1

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the relationships that play such an important part in shaping who we are – family. Growing up in a family where abuse or dysfunction is occurring is, in my opinion, one of the most difficult things a person can face. Even if the abuser is outside of the family, the way in which our family responds to the abuse is fundamental to how we are able to cope and heal.

It’s no easy thing for a parent to find out that their child has been abused, let alone if the abuse is at the hands of their own spouse or family member. This isn’t to let them off the hook if their responses were less than supportive or, at worst, they outright denied that abuse was happening. It is simply an effort to acknowledge that abuse or dysfunction convolutes the roles and relationships within a family.

There are some common cultural traits in families where abuse/dysfunction is occurring (adapted from Shelter from the Storm):

• Needy family members receive an inappropriate proportion of the family’s time, attention, and energy so that members learn to be overly-responsible toward needy people and irresponsible about themselves.
• Denial and secrecy are encouraged or it is implicitly understood that some things are just not to be talked about.
• Emotions are repressed, explosive, or both.
• Children are not taught effective living & relationships skills. Children do not learn to touch, feel, or trust. They learn to expect rigidity and emotional or physical abandonment.
• Members are squeezed into rigid, inappropriate roles.

The last thing on the list above refers to the fact that children in families where abuse/dysfunction occurs generally develop survival roles. These roles are either assigned by the family or unconsciously chosen by the child.

Some examples of survival roles include (from Shelter from the Storm):

• Scapegoat: usually blamed for family problems
• Hero: works hard to bring respect to the family name
• Surrogate Spouse: often takes the place of the emotionally absent spouse and becomes the child counselor for a troubled adult parent
• Lost Child: never gets in the way or causes trouble because this family has enough problems
• Surrogate Parent: takes over responsibility of parenting tasks
• Clown: avoids the pain by being the center of attention

These roles are critical in helping one cope with the abuse/dysfunction. Yet, whatever role it is you played in your family, you’re likely still caught up in playing that same role today. Even if you manage to step away from the role when you are on your own, as soon as you are around your family members, you fall right back into old patterns of relating and being. It’s kinda like how my Oklahoma accent really shows up as soon as I’m around my mom!

The more we play these roles in our families, relationships, in our jobs, the more we come to believe ourselves to be trapped and stuck in these ways of being. We have it that we “ARE” this way, and so struggle to see ourselves capable of anything else. When you have it that you “ARE” the clown, the loyal daughter, the scapegoat, the black sheep of the family, the outsider, the child-parent, the achiever – this keeps you trapped with no possibility, because you frame all of your behavior with this lens or limit yourself to a particular way of being.

Additionally, these defined roles limit who we get to be for ourselves and others, keeping relationships superficial and limited. For example, if you define yourself as “the caregiver,” then you will never relax and let others care for you! You trap yourself and steal from others the gift of being able to support and love you.

Our families play a critical role in shaping who we are, how we define ourselves, and how we think about others. The messages we get from our family are like telegrams that were sent long ago and became wired into our thinking, but all of that is up for grabs now. You get to choose at this point which things you believe, which things you don’t believe, and which things are really just about them, that is their stuff. You don’t have to continue playing the roles that were assigned or that you chose as a child and you certainly don’t have to take all of the lessons you were taught about relationships or who you are as the bottom line truth of things.

REFLECTION
What role did you play in your family? Is this a role you continue to play today? If so, what can you begin to do to break away from this role?

What messages about relationships or who you are did you get from your family?

What do you have it that you “ARE”? How do you define yourself?
Example: I am the practical one, I am the dependable one, I am the caregiver

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Don't Go It Alone!

There is a great children's book, Amazing Mr. Zooty! In the story, Mr. Zooty comes upon a family that is clearly down and out. Knowing they are good hearted people, he pretends to faint and, in reward for their quickly jumping to his rescue, he gives each of them a wish. Each wish he fulfills with some added embellishments - syrup for the little boy's pancakes; a hat to match the mother's new purse; and a house to go with the little girl's kitten. When the mother says she doesn't know how she'll ever thank him, he simply replies, "Everybody needs a little help sometimes."

Isn't that so true! Yet, what we do most of the time is keep our wishes (needs) close to our chests, refusing to share them with others. When we need support, rather than reach out to others, we hide, - after all, sometimes it's more important to look like you have it all together than to really have it all together - right?

No way! One of the things we need to get better at doing is asking for support. There's no need to go it alone. This, however, is easier said than done sometimes. But why is that?

On one level, we have a general need to look good. We want to be able, competent people who can handle whatever comes our way and so avoid anything that might call that into question. In other words, it's about saving face. Now, this is a natural tendency, but it gets us into a lot of trouble. Especially since things usually tend to get worse rather than better when we retreat and isolate ourselves and don't get support.

Take the case of one client who lost her job but refused to tell her friends. After three months of spending and going out as if she had a job, she was in debt up to her ears. She eventually had to fess up to her friends that, not only had she lost her job, but she’d hid it from them, and was now in trouble financially – she had compounded things threefold! So much for saving face, right? Now, that's not meant to be harsh, but it is a wake-up call that not asking for support or trying to hide in the name of looking good is counterproductive.

The other thing that stops us from asking for support is false beliefs about our value. Particularly if we have been abused, we question that we deserve help from others. Or we have the idea that we will be too much of an imposition - after all, our problems are so big how could anyone else handle it? Another false idea is that asking for help means you are a failure. These false ideas trap and isolate us from others and need to be challenged and overcome. Finish this statement: "I don't ask others for support because that would mean I _______." Whatever is in that blank is the false belief you need to disconfirm. You can check out this blog to learn more about how to do that.

Finally, sometimes, we just don't know how to ask for support. The thing is, we have to tune in to what we really need before we can ask for it from someone else. Saying to another person, "I need some support" is the beginning of the conversation, not the end. What do you mean by support? Do you need someone to just sit with you while you process thoughts or feelings? Do you need help figuring out a solution? Do you need a phone call once a week to check in? Do you need them to call you on a behavior that you want to stop when they see you doing it? The idea is that asking for support that actually leads to, well, support means first getting clear about what you need and communicating it clearly to the person you are asking. There may be times, granted, when you don't know exactly what you need, but you could communicate that or ask for support in getting clear!

This part - asking for what you really need minus vagueness, qualifications, or minimization - involves being vulnerable and trusting someone. Here now, is the toughest part when it comes to asking for support.

Here's the thing though, anyone you ask for help has at some point been in your shoes. Don't get fooled by the idea that what you're going through is so different that others haven't been there, too. It's a bit easier to trust and be vulnerable when you remember you aren't so unique .. everybody needs a little help sometimes.

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Key to Having Flow in Your Life

I've had friends say to me from time to time, "Things just seem to flow for you. Jobs, relationships – they just seem to come to you ... why is that?!" I've never really been able to answer this question well, but, after reflecting for some time last night on a new opportunity that has recently become available for building my coaching practice, I decided to take a closer look at this concept of “flow.”

Immediately, I was reminded of my life this time two years ago. I'll give you the punch line first and then tell all the dirty details: I lost my nannying job one day (the father was out of work, so they could no longer afford me) and got hired for a tutoring job the next day!
 

Now let's go back in time:

While still working as a mentor for teens in 2009, each leader was asked to write up a personal profile that would be shared with the parents and teens. One of the questions was: What are your dreams and aspirations? Now, the typical responses were often about wanting to start a family, some career goal, or places to travel. While I surely have some similar intentions for my life (Italy!), when I thought about what I really dream and aspire to be/do, I realized my answer would not fit the status quo. So, now, a decision presented itself - go with the standard response or be authentic? Here's what I wrote:

"To live in such a way that people are better off for having known me. To love unconditionally, to forgive radically, and to live with integrity."

Now, those thoughts are so key to who I am that putting them out there for just anyone to see is stepping into being vulnerable (not my first instinct) and giving up being stingy with myself (openly sharing). It also meant risking being misunderstood or judged (another thing that drives me crazy!).

A week after the profiles were posted, I got a call from a mom who had seen the posting. She said, "I read that and immediately knew you were someone I needed to connect with!" We had about an hour conversation, getting to know each other, and she shared with me about her company that produces and distributes meal replacement products. I had no interest in becoming a "salesperson" - but I filed it away as something to keep in mind for others.

The day after I lost my job, I called her, because I had some extra cash (read “severance package!”) and wanted to give her products a try. Now, the conversation began by her asking the usual, "How are things going?" Rather than give the standard answer of, "Fine," - I said, "Well, it's been an interesting week! Yesterday ..." and I went on to explain what happened with my job. I also decided to share about the possible tutoring opportunity I had lined up but hadn’t yet heard back from. To which she said, "Oh, I've been looking for a tutor for my daughter! How about I hire you!?" ... and there ya go! ... I had a new source of income. On top of that, because she knew my situation, she offered to work with me on the cost of her products, so I could go ahead and give them a try!

As I smiled again at remembering how one door closes and another door opens, I decided that the flow in my life is directly related to:

1. A willingness to give up looking good, to be authentic, to as often as possible be genuine about myself, my life, my needs, my desires even when doing so goes against social norms or what feels most comfortable.

2. Due to this, I get into communication with people and share in a way that is vulnerable, open, non-stingy,

3. Which creates the space for opportunities, support to flow into my life either from the person directly or from someone who they may know.

All of this definitely applies to personal relationships as well!

So, if there is anything that I do at all to create flow in my life – assuming it’s not just blind luck! – I would say it is these things!

If you were to set aside looking good, the fear of being vulnerable (or whatever else it is that stops you) – what would you do today? Who would you get in touch with? What phone call would you make that you’ve been putting off?



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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

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