Family Matters - Part 1

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the relationships that play such an important part in shaping who we are – family. Growing up in a family where abuse or dysfunction is occurring is, in my opinion, one of the most difficult things a person can face. Even if the abuser is outside of the family, the way in which our family responds to the abuse is fundamental to how we are able to cope and heal.

It’s no easy thing for a parent to find out that their child has been abused, let alone if the abuse is at the hands of their own spouse or family member. This isn’t to let them off the hook if their responses were less than supportive or, at worst, they outright denied that abuse was happening. It is simply an effort to acknowledge that abuse or dysfunction convolutes the roles and relationships within a family.

There are some common cultural traits in families where abuse/dysfunction is occurring (adapted from Shelter from the Storm):

• Needy family members receive an inappropriate proportion of the family’s time, attention, and energy so that members learn to be overly-responsible toward needy people and irresponsible about themselves.
• Denial and secrecy are encouraged or it is implicitly understood that some things are just not to be talked about.
• Emotions are repressed, explosive, or both.
• Children are not taught effective living & relationships skills. Children do not learn to touch, feel, or trust. They learn to expect rigidity and emotional or physical abandonment.
• Members are squeezed into rigid, inappropriate roles.

The last thing on the list above refers to the fact that children in families where abuse/dysfunction occurs generally develop survival roles. These roles are either assigned by the family or unconsciously chosen by the child.

Some examples of survival roles include (from Shelter from the Storm):

• Scapegoat: usually blamed for family problems
• Hero: works hard to bring respect to the family name
• Surrogate Spouse: often takes the place of the emotionally absent spouse and becomes the child counselor for a troubled adult parent
• Lost Child: never gets in the way or causes trouble because this family has enough problems
• Surrogate Parent: takes over responsibility of parenting tasks
• Clown: avoids the pain by being the center of attention

These roles are critical in helping one cope with the abuse/dysfunction. Yet, whatever role it is you played in your family, you’re likely still caught up in playing that same role today. Even if you manage to step away from the role when you are on your own, as soon as you are around your family members, you fall right back into old patterns of relating and being. It’s kinda like how my Oklahoma accent really shows up as soon as I’m around my mom!

The more we play these roles in our families, relationships, in our jobs, the more we come to believe ourselves to be trapped and stuck in these ways of being. We have it that we “ARE” this way, and so struggle to see ourselves capable of anything else. When you have it that you “ARE” the clown, the loyal daughter, the scapegoat, the black sheep of the family, the outsider, the child-parent, the achiever – this keeps you trapped with no possibility, because you frame all of your behavior with this lens or limit yourself to a particular way of being.

Additionally, these defined roles limit who we get to be for ourselves and others, keeping relationships superficial and limited. For example, if you define yourself as “the caregiver,” then you will never relax and let others care for you! You trap yourself and steal from others the gift of being able to support and love you.

Our families play a critical role in shaping who we are, how we define ourselves, and how we think about others. The messages we get from our family are like telegrams that were sent long ago and became wired into our thinking, but all of that is up for grabs now. You get to choose at this point which things you believe, which things you don’t believe, and which things are really just about them, that is their stuff. You don’t have to continue playing the roles that were assigned or that you chose as a child and you certainly don’t have to take all of the lessons you were taught about relationships or who you are as the bottom line truth of things.

REFLECTION
What role did you play in your family? Is this a role you continue to play today? If so, what can you begin to do to break away from this role?

What messages about relationships or who you are did you get from your family?

What do you have it that you “ARE”? How do you define yourself?
Example: I am the practical one, I am the dependable one, I am the caregiver

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Love the One You’re With…

The more I work with clients, the more I am aware of one of the greatest hopes we have: That our hurts will not have been in vain, that there is some way to make it matter. I know we often look to volunteering with organizations, offering our time and energy to support a particular cause, or serving in some other way that contributes to society. This practice is of great value to both the giver and the receiver. Yet what often goes unnoticed are the opportunities to serve those who are in our immediate circle ... the ones we are closest to, the ones who put up with us during those years of struggle, the ones who cross our path every day.

Often what inhibits and prevents us from giving or sharing freely with others is a kind of stinginess. This is not the stinginess that makes you give a $1 tip when you know you really should give more. It’s not the kind of Ebenezer Scrooge stinginess that causes you to ignore the circumstances of others. Rather, it is a type of stinginess born out of a need to hide and protect ourselves and to preserve a sense of control. Where does this type of stinginess come from in the first place, how does it most often show up, and how can we break free of it?

Human beings are funny creatures. We crave interaction and relationship, yet often behave in ways that directly counter this need. The main thing that gets in the way of us authentically interacting and forming relationships with others is our need to look good! How many times have we been in a conversation, and we have no idea what the person is talking about? Yet we nod and agree as if we are also a scholar on Far Eastern spices. When we almost trip and fall on the sidewalk, our first response isn’t, “Thank goodness I didn’t get hurt,” but rather, “Did anyone see me fall?” More significantly, we are struggling through a divorce but refuse to tell any of our friends, because we don’t want them to think we are a failure.

For many of us, this need to look good is often exacerbated by an experience in our past that made hiding the safest choice. Additionally, many of us have suffered in silence and worked to keep up appearances to the outside world – looking good was a way to shield ourselves from revealing the truth.

Our egos are important and our need to protect them is also functionally appropriate in many circumstances. However, if we never risk ego by giving up looking good, then we miss key opportunities to share and learn from others, to give others a chance to share genuinely with us, and, perhaps most tragically, to really be seen and known by others. We have to stop hiding.

Another way that stinginess shows up is in our amazing ability to make choices for other people. I am sure we have all experienced the following sort of invitation, “Hey, there’s a party this weekend, I’m sure you’re too busy to go and wouldn’t be interested, but I think it will be a lot of fun – you should come.” What in the world is that?!

This sort of non-invitation is used as a defense mechanism to protect our egos from disappointment and rejection. This type of exchange allows us to believe that the person is rejecting the party (because they are busy) rather than rejecting us. The error is in thinking that a “no” to an invitation means the person is saying “no” to you personally. If we can recognize that a person may refuse an invitation for any number of reasons (granted, one of those may be because you aren’t their cup of tea), then we can give up the need to protect ourselves by offering these sorts of non-invitations.

Instead, make a clear request - “Would you like to help me on this project?” instead of, “I have this project that I would like your help on, but I understand you’re probably too busy.” Then, accept the person’s answer (which, by the way, will often include an explanation such as, “Sorry, I already have too many projects.”) without taking it personally. By making clear requests, you avoid inserting a negative influence that would rob the other person of the opportunity to choose for him/herself.

Additionally, not asking others for support (e.g. keeping the fact that you are going through a divorce to yourself ) is also a type of choosing for others. The people in our lives want to give their support. It is an act of stinginess to deny them the opportunity to love and care for us. So, how do we counter this tendency to choose for others? It may seem simplistic, but, when you extend an invitation, filter out anything that is not the clear request. When you need support – ask. Stop choosing for others!

Step 1: Get clear about what you want. What specific type of support do you want/need?

Example: I would like to talk by phone; I want to meet in person.

Step 2: Get even more specific – How often? What day? What time?

Example: I would like to talk by phone once a week on Tuesdays at 12p.

Step 3: Ask for confirmation/agreement.

Example: How does that sound? Would that work for you?

Step 4: Negotiate. Based on the person’s response, you may need to adjust the details or you may have to hear them say, “No, I can’t do that,” and not fall into meaning making as a result.

It is a gift to those with whom we are interacting to give up looking good rather than deceptively nodding to avoid acknowledging that we do not understand. It is a gift to let others choose for themselves by making clear requests rather than using non-invitations. It is a gift to others to ask them to support us rather than hiding behind excuses for not doing so (e.g. “I don’t want to impose.”) It is a gift to those we love to risk our ego in order to build a more intimate relationship.

We will discover that our relationships become more genuine and the ones we are with will appreciate our openness. So, stop being stingy! As we search for ways to contribute to the broader society, keep in mind those who are close to us. Embrace the opportunities to serve them as well by making clear requests.