When people make you feel small...

Hoover Elementary School sat on the top of a hill in my smalltown Oklahoma. The u-shaped building made for a great raceway as little feet puttered quickly from gym, to classroom, to art room, to lunch room, to playground with teachers inevitably shouting, "Slow down! Watch out!" while pausing to lift up those who had stumbled over their awkward, still developing feet.

I loved school. It was a place of creativity and knowledge and play. And it was a place where I felt nurtured. It's, of course, also the place where I made friends.

Around age 6-7, I met Nikki. We became fast friends. We spent every recess together, lots of playdates (I loved going to her house to see her bunny!), and even had gymnastics class together.

As we can do when we are little, I thought Nikki and I would be friends forever :)

Then one day in 4th grade, Nikki walked over to me with another girl by her side and without any ceremony said, "You aren't my friend anymore. She's my best friend now."

I can't recall saying anything back. Too shocked to find any words. I remember feeling stunned and like my whole body had turned to cement. 

She promptly spun around as only little girls can and sauntered away.

When I think about the first time I felt shame, this is the moment that comes to mind. And even if I could search my memory and find something at an earlier date, this moment left an indelible mark on my sense of self. 

It was the beginning of a major belief that I would spend decades battling: "I am unwanted."

This core belief was reinforced or added to by the people who harmed me in the future years of my life: grandfather, partners, bosses.

And of course, because I was already convinced of the truth of this, even when there was so much counter-evidence that it could fill a whole grain silo, I couldn't be convinced.

Unraveling this shame message took a lot of work! But today, having used the Beyond Surviving Method along with deeply tapping into the love of the best friends I have in my life today who never spin and walk away, I have released this shame and found deep, solid self-love.

So much so that, in fact, should someone decide to do an about face, I know today that this means nothing about me!

If you take a moment to consider the shame messages that are still impacting the way you think and feel about yourself and are ready to learn how to release that dysfunctional shame, I do so hope you'll come to the next Thrive Tribe training!

To self-love,

P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self session.

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RESOURCE OF THE MONTH

The first picture book written and illustrated by award-winning creator Vashti Harrison traces a child’s journey to self-love and shows the power of words to both hurt and heal. With spare text and exquisite illustrations, this emotional exploration of being big in a world that prizes small is a tender portrayal of how you can stand out and feel invisible at the same time.

Get a copy

Check out Story Time with Rachel where I read this book!

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UPCOMING EVENTS

April 11th, 4:00p-5:30 PT / 7:00-8:30p ET 

LIVE ZOOM EVENT

• Understand the importance of regulating the nervous system for healing, especially in the context of supporting a child.
• Recognize dysregulation and survival stress responses and learn how to respond in the moment to different types of activation
• Identify external and internal resources that can help soothe and ground yourself and your child.
• Explore ways to create a "resource kit" for children to help them in those “I need help right now” moments
• Engage in grounding and nervous system regulation exercises
• Get your questions answered by Coach Rachel

 
Learn More & Register Here

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April 16th, 4:30p-6p PT / 7:30p-9p ET 

LIVE ZOOM EVENT

PUT AN END TO SHAME!

Get ready to shift from feeling worthless and unlovable to knowing you are a treasure and deserve respect, love, care, and so much more at our next Thrive Tribe workshop.
 
Learn More & Register Here

Can't attend live?

No worries! A limited time replay will be made available!

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April 18th, 3:30p-5p PT / 6:30p-8p ET 

LIVE ZOOM EVENT


In partnership with CPTSD Foundation

• Understand how limiting belief systems are formed and neuronal pathways are created 
• Identify your limiting beliefs through a powerful visualization
• Learn a 4 Step process for rewiring neuronal pathways and releasing negative thoughts
• Discover how various parts of the brain are impacted by abuse
• Explore the neuroscience of trauma and what that tells us about how to heal from abuse

Learn More & Register Here

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in partnership with CPTSD Foundation

April 8th

BOUNDARIES


Setting boundaries and assertiveness are both essential for survivors if we want to be treated with respect and improve our self-esteem. We'll explore the process of learning to set boundaries & be assertive

Learn More & Register Here

What is dysfunctional shame?

“Shame is the feeling of humiliating disgrace of having been violated. Shame tells you that you are bad.” (from Shelter from the Storm)

It becomes very difficult to correct for shame, because it is rooted in a negative belief. For example, “I am unlovable, because [fill in the blank – we all have different experiences that can lead us to this false belief].” Dysfunctional shame is, essentially, the belief that you are bad. It becomes a deep rooted way of being that very much impacts our view of ourselves.

Additionally, I see dysfunctional shame as being born out of taking responsibility for something you have “no cause” in. In other words, dysfunctional shame is feeling bad because someone falls down; you feel responsible even though you didn’t trip them.

I think of it like a little equation: No Cause + Taking Responsibility = False Guilt/Shame

This is a defense mechanism. By blaming ourselves, we are able to deal with the fact that someone we trusted and adored is also capable of harming us. We long to protect the image and idea of the other person, and so blaming ourselves for something we did not cause is easier. However, if we continue to shame and judge ourselves we are guaranteeing that our lives will be mired in self-abuse, lack of joy, distrust, and lack of freedom.

Now, if your way of being is “the shameful one,” then you tend towards reinforcing the false beliefs that lead you to feel shame. As with any false belief, we will find the evidence to support our way of being. We will adopt the shameful message that we are worthless and, no surprise, we will interpret situations or, worse, find abusive people to help reinforce this attitude.

If you’d like to learn a bit about how to break out of these patterns of thought, be sure to join us for next month's Thrive Tribe on Shame.

“Guilt is the feeling that you did something wrong.” (from Shelter from the Storm)

Guilt is related to you being “at cause” for what happened. Guilt is tripping someone and then feeling bad about it. You can correct an action or behavior that leads to guilt. For example, you can apologize for tripping the person.

The equation goes like this: At Cause + Responsibility = Guilt

Guilt is a tricky beast. In its best form, it spurs us on to transform and change our behavior. In its worst, it can be used as way to avoid facing reality. One of the payoffs of feeling guilty – of taking responsibility for abuse or unpleasant things that happen – is that we don’t have to face the fact that we were powerless and then face the grief that follows.

If you’re way of being is “the guilty one,” then you are constantly looking to reinforce the false beliefs that lead you to feel guilt or blame yourself. In any situation, you make yourself responsible for all that has occurred and fail to see the behaviors and choices of others that play a role in causing discord, upset, or breakdowns. More importantly, those around you very quickly learn that this is the role you will play, and so there is little incentive for them to evaluate their own behavior or make any corrections. By being the guilty one, you are essentially letting those around you off the hook and bearing the burden of responsibility on your shoulders alone. While there may be times when you truly are the only one at fault, if you have a deeply engrained belief that you are at fault all the time, you won’t be able to recognize when this isn’t the case. 

Now, let me be clear, I’m not saying we should never feel guilt or shame! Each of them has their proper place and exist, in part, to spur us on to better ourselves and to hold others around us accountable. I do want there to be a distinction though between feeling guilt or shame when the situation calls for it and defining oneself as the guilty one or shameful one. The former brings about transformation, the latter only causes us to stay stuck in patterns of thought and behavior that keep us from living fulfilling, authentic lives.


To healing,

P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self session.

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RESOURCE OF THE MONTH

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UPCOMING EVENTS

April 16th, 4:30p-6p PT / 7:30p-9p ET 

LIVE ZOOM EVENT

PUT AN END TO SHAME!

Get ready to shift from feeling worthless and unlovable to knowing you are a treasure and deserve respect, love, care, and so much more at our next Thrive Tribe workshop.
 
Learn More & Register Here

Can't attend live?

No worries! A limited time replay will be made available!

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in partnership with CPTSD Foundation

March 11th

HEALING PROCESS


Healing is not linear - and yet, it is still a process! This month, we explore the stages of healing and the best resources to access at each stage.

Learn More & Register Here

Tidy vs. cluttered?

Victor Frankl describes in Man's Search for Meaning the intake process he went through at a concentration camp. Among the things he describes, one thing particularly caught my attention - the moment when each person is directed to hand over all of their possessions.

 The men and women are stripped of their clothing and all personal effects. In this desperate moment, there were various attempts to hold on to material things - a wedding ring, a good luck charm, a photo, or, for Frankl, his manuscript containing all of his scientific work. At the moment when the manuscript is confiscated, Frankl asserts that the psychological response was to strike out his "whole former life."

As I read this passage, the thought occurred to me, "What is it about material objects that comfort us or anchor us? Is it possible that material things provide some value that I haven't before considered?"

Growing up in the Mid-West and in a middle class family, the desire to obtain material objects was frowned upon or ignored as a goal altogether. Even now living in San Francisco, it's not uncommon to overhear conversations lamenting materialism. But, Frankl's comments caused me to reconsider the role material objects play in our lives.

I started noticing around my house the material objects that anchor me, that seem to shout "Here I am, this is my life!" - a novel I've read over and over again, a necklace that was my first piece of "real" jewelry, a photo of my lover ... These material objects tell a story, mark time, transport me back to a moment or anchor me to the present ... wow!

It now strikes me that objects can be an inherent way that we remember our history and create our present. Material objects can provide comfort in times of discord, anchor us when we feel unstable, or, on a simple level, tell the story of who we are to others.

What's a material object you own that tells your story?

Now, that being said, as in all things - moderation and balance is so necessary. Albert Einstein famously quipped, “If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?"

We can not be rigid in our tidiness (in fact, this is often a trauma response to having grown up in a chaotic, unpredictable environment!), while at the same time, we can not be so inundated with materials that we get overwhelmed and paralyzed. Check out this interesting article on the pros and cons of tidy vs. cluttered!

I also thought a lot about our relationship to objects when watching a recent episode of Queer Eye (Netflix, Season 8, Episode 2). One of the folks they helped was a guy who was an avid Kiss fan, and that's putting it lightly. Every surface and wall was drowned in Kiss memorabilia. It was so sweet and satisfying to see the transformation of his space in which his love/hobby was still honored but wasn't all consuming!

So, as we approach Spring - a major time when people often reset their environments, sending you a friendly nudge to explore your relationship to objects and see if there is an opportunity to release and balance!

To comfort not chaos,

P.S. If you're ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self session.

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Some of my treasured objects :)

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RESOURCE OF THE MONTH

Everything That Remains: A Memoir by The Minamalists

What if everything you ever wanted isn’t what you actually want? Twenty-something, suit-clad, and upwardly mobile, Joshua Fields Millburn thought he had everything anyone could ever want. Until he didn’t anymore.

Blindsided by the loss of his mother and his marriage in the same month, Millburn started questioning every aspect of the life he had built for himself.

Then, he accidentally discovered a lifestyle known as minimalism…and everything started to change.

That was four years ago. Since, Millburn, now 32, has embraced simplicity. In the pursuit of looking for something more substantial than compulsory consumption and the broken American Dream, he jettisoned most of his material possessions, paid off loads of crippling debt, and walked away from his six-figure career.

So, when everything was gone, what was left? Not a how-to book but a why-to book, Everything That Remains is the touching, surprising story of what happened when one young man decided to let go of everything and begin living more deliberately. Heartrending, uplifting, and deeply personal, this engrossing memoir is peppered with insightful (and often hilarious) interruptions by Ryan Nicodemus, Millburn’s best friend of twenty years.

Get the book!

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UPCOMING EVENTS

February 8th, 4:30p-6p PT / 7:30p-9p ET 

LIVE ZOOM EVENT

SELF-SABOTAGE

Get ready to unlock your potential and break free from self-sabotage in this empowering workshop designed to identify and overcome self-limiting beliefs, fostering personal growth and resilience. 

 

Learn More & Register Here

Can't attend live?

No worries! A limited time replay will be made available!

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in partnership with CPTSD Foundation

February 12th

RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships have great significance for us all in terms of support, love, validation, a sense of belonging, and even a sense of "family." Today, we will explore what happens around our needs and wants in relationships and what comes up around getting attached.  

Learn More & Register Here

How to gain perspective about distressing situations

When we are going through something hurtful, distressing, disappointing, we exacerbate the pain by falling into the trap of believing that the distress will continue indefinitely and that this one experience will have a detrimental impact on our lives.

But studies have shown that we are actually poor at predicting how present events will affect our future emotional states and tend to overestimate the future impact of present negative events.

This practice will help you connect with your future self and gain perspective about your current situation.

WATCH HERE: https://youtu.be/_zhjMAeZso4

Continue the conversation! Join us in the Healing from Sexual Abuse group on Facebook, a safe space for survivors to come together to receive support and guidance. bit.ly/healingfromsexualabuse

#beyondsurviving #futureself #evaluatingimpact #gainingperspective #dealingwithdisappointment #meditation #sexualabusesurvivor #nervoussystemregulation #bodyawareness #mindfulness #meditation #incestsurvivor #healingsexualtrauma #foryou #viral #coachrachelsays #coaching #toolsthatwork #healing #ptsd #stressmanagement #anxiety #integration #orienting #mindbodyspirit #sensations #selfawareness

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

Please Send My Copy Now

Is it okay to embrace your messy self?

As we slide into 2024, I want to invite you today to truly consider what would radically change about your life if you were to give yourself permission to be messy?

And I'm not talking about dirty dishes, unfolded laundry, or dust that you can write your initials in ;)

I'm talking about the same kind of messy that Anne-Marie Marron refers to in her article Permission To Be ‘Messy’.

One of the things I'm constantly exploring with my clients is how we must put to bed the idea that "healed" equates to "I've gotten rid of all of the stuff I don't like about myself".

Instead, I offer them the concept of wholeness, and I would say Anne-Marie captures this idea beautifully when she says,

"When we embrace the view that our shadows are as significant as our joy and passion we are on a different journey than the traditional one of ‘avoid feeling and exploring your fear, create illusions of control and pretend to be what you think is acceptable’."

Beloved - you (nor me) cannot eradicate our humanity, but we can give ourselves the grace to embrace all of the human experience.

Be in it. Be, as Anne-Marie says, "exactly as we are".

It's an ongoing practice to be able to be with ALL of it. This past year, I have been doing a lot of grieving, and so I've had a lot of opportunity to practice being present with whatever is so in the moment - whether that be deep sobbing or full belly giggles.

I have noticed that I am less and less and less distressed by my distress!

In years past, I would have been immediately consumed by anxiety, thinking I was doing something "wrong" or I wouldn't be feeling bad, or I'd be over it already it. 

What great joy and freedom arrives when we are no longer afraid to embrace the mess, and, as Anne-Marie encourages,

"...remove these subtle ways we limit our full expression; to meet, welcome and love our way back home through a direct engagement with our present experience."

Whatever you are experiencing today - live it. Don't wait!

To quote Magic from the TV show Quantum Leap,

"Be true to your present, Addison, and not some future you’re wishing for that may never happen, because waiting isn’t living."

If you're ready to take the next step towards your wholeness and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self session.

Here's to full permission to be your WHOLE self,

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

Please Send My Copy Now