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Perfectionism is a tricky thing. One moment you think you’ve got it licked, and then it rears its ugly head in unexpected ways, shielding you from the vulnerability that comes with facing the things that make us human, our imperfections, shadow selves, our uncomfortable and painful emotions.
It’s like what author and researcher Brené Brown says, "Perfectionism is not the same thing has striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight."
Perfectionism is seductive, and even for someone like myself, who teaches heart-centered entrepreneurs how to overcome dream-shattering perfectionism, it can sneak back up on you.
Recently, perfectionism showed back up in my life in a big way, and I was so caught off guard! I thought I understood, I thought I was over it. I studied and taught the growth mindset and how to turn challenges into opportunities. I have a deep spiritual practice and learned to love myself authentically, to be compassionate when I make mistakes, to focus on enjoying the journey and to surrender the outcome.
Perfectionism was in my past. Or so I thought. Here’s the story.
While I cannot speak from personal experience to the trauma of sexual abuse, I can speak to the trauma of psychological abuse and neglect, toxic relationships, and narcissistic abuse. Throughout the 33 years of my life, my most intimate relationships were with emotionally unavailable, neglectful, or abusive individuals for roughly 30 of those years.
So it’s no surprise that since trauma leads to toxic shame, and shame and perfectionism are so closely linked, perfectionism was my go-to method for controlling the opinions of other so that I could feel loved, cared for, and validated.
Through healing work, I have learned that both perfectionism and over-achievement (my self-validation power team) have protected me from painful memories and emotions that I wasn’t ready to face. Once I was ready, I went on a spiritual healing journey and began sitting with the trauma I had so effectively avoided for so long.
I discovered that by healing my trauma and my shame, the perfectionism and over-achievement that kept me burned out and unfulfilled in my business began to fade away. I could see clearly how harmful the misperceptions and myths our culture perpetuates about productivity and success truly are. Chief among them is the idea of being a "productive member of society," which ultimately ties achievement with our worth and value as human beings.
The truth is that when we continue to use perfectionism as a tool, it perpetuates the false belief within us that we have to be perfect to deserve love. That we have to be perfect to achieve, to be productive, to be successful, to be liked, to be cared about. In truth, we deserve to be loved simply because we exist.
Perfectionism also gives us a false sense of control over others and makes us feel safe only temporarily. In the long run, perfectionism is linked to other mental health risks like depression, anxiety, and self-harm. (see the article here)
After living with generalized anxiety disorder for over 15 years, I finally healed my shame and trauma enough that I have been 95% anxiety-free for almost two years now. I have been teaching heart-centered entrepreneurs to release perfectionism so they can take actions in their business from a place of love, service, and joy. Rather than fear, control, and resistance.
As I mentioned above. Perfectionism was in my past, right?
Oh no siree, Bob!
A few months ago I decided to start dating again, and this time I was determined to do things differently. Armed with my knowledge of attachment theory and my dedicated spiritual practice, I set out to manifest an emotionally available, secure partner.
I had a plan, I knew (intellectually) the red flags to look out for and the ways I needed to show up so I wouldn’t self-sabotage a budding healthy relationship. In other words, I had a fool-proof plan that would keep me safe and successful. It was "perfect" and all I had to do was execute it "perfectly" and things would be smooth sailing, right?
*laughs out loud*
The plan didn’t take into account that I am a human being. That have a big, loving heart and a wounded inner child. It didn’t take into account that I am, in fact, imperfect, and that showing up as your flawed, beautiful self with another human being is actually one of the MOST vulnerable and challenging experiences in life. (At least it has been for me!)
It puts you face-to-face with your shadow self, with the parts of you that are polished and obscured through the use of your adept image control skills. In my experience as a perfectionist with a history of trauma, being in a healthy, loving relationship is like a whole bunch of "Hell yes!" and "Holy hell, what’s happening to me?!" all at the same time.
I realized I expected myself to be perfect. I expected myself to show up as someone who never had to scrape by and manipulate for the scraps of love and attention she received from abusive partners. I expected myself to be someone I couldn’t be (not yet), and at first, that made me feel so angry and frustrated and afraid. At first it made me feel powerless.
And I think at the heart of it, perfectionism is all about us making us feel powerful.
So, I turned to my spiritual practice. I turned to Eckhart Tolle and Gabby Bernstein, and I remembered that when we push against our imperfections and beat ourselves up for them —when we believe that we have to be perfect to be loved and act from that place —we are robbing ourselves of a truly fulfilling and joyful life.
Through acceptance, self-compassion, and love, I released my perfectionism once more. I am grateful for everything that I have learned through the lens of perfectionism, but I am ready to step forth into the world authentically, vulnerably, and more powerfully than ever before.
(At least until the next time I am a flawed, beautiful human being once more. *wink*)
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Ivy LaClair, M.Ed. CPCC - Spiritual Success Coach for Heart-Centered Entrepreneurs -
Ivy LaClair is committed to helping heart-centered entrepreneurs joyfully shape a life and business they love. With experiential insights from her own journey and a gold standard coaching certification, she delivers a unique blend of mindset and spiritual support with strategies for consistent achievement without the painful burnout. Ivy LaClair paves the way for all heart-centered entrepreneurs to stop playing small and FINALLY be the forces of good they are meant to be for this world.
www.ivylaclair.com
www.perfectionismfree.life - upcoming masterclass info!
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