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Ten years ago I believed that I had an anxiety disorder. A huge part of my spiritual journey has been the discovery that the shame of being sexually abused as a child, being gay, and feeling condemned, had a bigger impact on who I became than I ever could have imagined.
For me, shame is the root cause of my anxiety.
I was in denial of the sexual abuse until my forties and shame was running the show in my life, keeping me on autopilot, disconnected, and less than authentic. Stuck. And in search of purpose. Let me explain.
For me, shame is the root cause of my anxiety.
I was in denial of the sexual abuse until my forties and shame was running the show in my life, keeping me on autopilot, disconnected, and less than authentic. Stuck. And in search of purpose. Let me explain.
Shame is an emotional response to being unloved, unaccepted, rejected or abused. All humans experience shame, unless of course, you are a sociopath. When we experience shame, it is an attack on our ego, our identity. The emotional processing center of the brain, the amygdala, is set off by anything that is perceived at a threat to the system. Our heart rate increases and we prepare for action, and quickly jump out of the way of the car, or avoid the critical teacher, or the abuser.
Years beyond the abuse, we continue to respond to, and have transference around people, places, and things that remind us of shame driven experiences that often originate in childhood abuse. For most of us, this is a completely subconscious experience. As we move through life, our brain automatically discerns perceived threats around us resulting in a feeling state of anxiety and even panic.
In retrospect, I realize that I was operating in survival mode and had learned to be distrusting of people, always on guard, and expecting a negative outcome. Shame creates the delusion that we are alone, separate, and that no one else could possibly understand what we are going through. Shame only affects individuals to the extent that we buy into a reality that we are somehow defective and unworthy.
In retrospect, I realize that I was operating in survival mode and had learned to be distrusting of people, always on guard, and expecting a negative outcome. Shame creates the delusion that we are alone, separate, and that no one else could possibly understand what we are going through. Shame only affects individuals to the extent that we buy into a reality that we are somehow defective and unworthy.
The good news is that through self-awareness, we can begin to heal the impact of shame in our lives. The symptoms of shame are identical to the symptoms of anxiety. Knowing how shame feels in your body is the first step to embracing it. Let me give you an example.
When I filed a sexual abuse report against a priest in southern Illinois, the diocesan advocate requested that I have a meeting with the counsel to go over the report and answer questions about what occurred. I prepared for this meeting with my spiritual counselor and felt very confident on the train ride down state. As I walked into the diocesan headquarters, I smelled holy water and the hair on my neck stood up. I felt flushed. My heart rate increased and I started sweating. I sat down and took some deep breaths. My mind became foggy and I feared that I wouldn’t be able to articulate my thoughts in the meeting.
These are all symptoms of anxiety.
These are all symptoms of anxiety.
The advocate seemed incredibly serious as we walked up the stairs to the meeting. I felt like a thirteen year old boy on his way to the principal’s office as if I had done something wrong and was in trouble. Doomed. As I entered the small meeting room, the counsel jumped to their feet and I could sense their fear. I began to believe that they were against me. My mind was racing as I scanned the room and started to plan an escape. I could easily ask to use the restroom and leave.
As the meeting began, I could barely speak. I began to tell my story of sexual abuse, crying uncontrollably. This surprised me. I hadn’t expected this. I thought I had this whole thing under control. The two hour meeting was incredibly difficult but also healing for me. This was the first time I connected the emotional pain of the abuse. I had been in so much denial for over thirty years. I began to see that the members of the counsel were incredibly compassionate and supportive.
Ultimately, they unanimously believed my report and the priest in question was taken out of the priesthood.
So what really happened there? I walked into the diocesan headquarters and smelled the holy water which reminded me of being a child in the catholic school where I feared rejection for being gay. It also reminded me of the priest, and the sexual abuse. The sensory memory made the hair stand up on my neck, and the other symptoms of shame/anxiety followed. I began to have irrational thoughts that the counsel and advocate were already against me because I was gay. On some level I believed the sexual abuse was my fault. I was in full fight or flight mode as my ego was threatened with annihilation. I even planned a strategy to leave!
So what really happened there? I walked into the diocesan headquarters and smelled the holy water which reminded me of being a child in the catholic school where I feared rejection for being gay. It also reminded me of the priest, and the sexual abuse. The sensory memory made the hair stand up on my neck, and the other symptoms of shame/anxiety followed. I began to have irrational thoughts that the counsel and advocate were already against me because I was gay. On some level I believed the sexual abuse was my fault. I was in full fight or flight mode as my ego was threatened with annihilation. I even planned a strategy to leave!
But the truth was that the counsel was in full support of me. The snowball effect of shame can easily create the delusion of false threats. In my new awareness of shame symptoms, I have become curious every time the hair stands up on my neck. I ask the question, “what is going on here? Is there a threat or am I experiencing shame?”
I’ve also come to see that behaviors resulting from shame mimic fight or flight. On the flight side I may run away, pretend, rationalize, numb myself out and distract myself. On the fight side, I may continually blame the outside world, become defensive, hostile, and even aggressive by the threat of shame.
The experience of shame is different for everyone, and gaining awareness is crucial in the ongoing and never ending healing process. I recognize that shame has expressed itself in my life in a blinding and often overwhelming way. Sometimes shame presents itself in the most subtle and insidious ways.
I’ve also come to see that behaviors resulting from shame mimic fight or flight. On the flight side I may run away, pretend, rationalize, numb myself out and distract myself. On the fight side, I may continually blame the outside world, become defensive, hostile, and even aggressive by the threat of shame.
The experience of shame is different for everyone, and gaining awareness is crucial in the ongoing and never ending healing process. I recognize that shame has expressed itself in my life in a blinding and often overwhelming way. Sometimes shame presents itself in the most subtle and insidious ways.
How does shame show up in your life? The next time you receive criticism, take a deep breath and note the feeling state of your body. How does it feel? What behaviors result from the experience? In this awareness, and by embracing shame, you can begin to shift your vibration from any subconscious programs of the mind that might be keeping you in the shame game.
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David DeVore M.A., is a spiritual coach specializing in working with gay men on issues related to shame, internalized homophobia, and abuse. As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, David has become passionate about the epidemic of shame that subconsciously holds individuals back from living a life a joy and purpose.
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