October 13, 2014

Finding Pleasure on the Other Side of Pain

This week, I am so excited to bring to you a series by Xanet Pailet, who is not just an amazing coach but was a fast friend. In today's post, she is sharing with us her own story


I’m Xanet Pailet, a former health care lawyer turned sex and intimacy coach.  I am delighted that Rachel has asked me to share some of my story with you and I am excited to be partnering with her on an upcoming teleseminar.  The work that Rachel does with sexual abuse and trauma survivors is so incredibly important, and I share her passion for helping to heal sexual trauma and wounding.

My journey into sex and intimacy coaching and sexual healing was a surprise, even to me.  Ten years ago, when I was 44, I was living the good life in New York City.  I had two wonderful kids, a successful husband, my own thriving healthcare consulting business, and I was producing Broadway musicals on the side. I was the envy of many of my friends.  But as we all know, appearances can be deceiving.

What my friends didn’t know was that I stopped having sex at age 29 after my second child was born because it was so painful. I hadn’t been sleeping in the same bed with my husband for over 15 years, that the only touch I received was from my children, and that I had never experienced an orgasm. Sex was a total drag for me and I wondered what all the fuss was about.

What I didn’t know at the time was that I was in good company.  According to a recent Kinsey Institute Survey over 30% of women report having painful sex. I know that for me sex was always associated with medical issues. Endometriosis, terrible side effects from the pill, endless infections, painful medical procedures, and morning sickness for 9 months straight. I felt that my body had completely betrayed me.  So not having sex seemed like a really good idea at the time.  No wonder orgasms were elusive and pleasure was not in my vocabulary.

I realize now that what I experienced was deep physical wounding that created sexual trauma in my body.  My body literally could only associate sex with pain, discomfort, and fear.  I was so anxious about not wanting to feel pain during sex, that my vagina literally closed up, and went into a protective mode.

Once sex became a major issue in our relationship, as I see with so many of the couples that I work with, our relationship fell apart.  One of our strongest human desires is intimacy and connection.  It is what fuels the flames and keeps us emotionally and physically healthy and sane.  I am certain that but for the fact that my younger son was empathic and knew that I needed a lot of physical touch and cuddling, I would have left my marriage of 28 years a decade earlier. 

I was 50 years old when I was introduced to Tantra and sacred sexuality by a man I met on OK Cupid.  Tantra was the doorway to my sexual awakening and healing.   For the first time in my life, sex was not about the mechanics. Rather it was about the union of our physical, spiritual and emotional bodies. The lack of goal orientation of either orgasm or intercourse allowed me for the first time in my life to RELAX and simply RECEIVE.  And over time, orgasms of all types and flavors (full body, energetic, G spot, nipple) became a major part of my life regardless of whether or not I had a partner. 

As I became in touch with my own sexuality and bathed myself in orgasmic energy on a daily basis, my life started to transform.  I didn’t have a clue why that was happening but of course now I totally get it.  You see, orgasmic and sexual energy is our life force energy, and there is nothing more powerful on the earth.  As Naomi Wolf so brilliantly spoke about in her book “Vagina”, the vagina is the center of a woman’s power and creativity.  When we are in the flow, we attract all that we want and need in our life—money, good health, successful business, loving relationships.  And when we are disconnected with our life force energy, we get depressed, gain weight, feel helpless, trapped, and have discordant relationships.

So I did what any sane person would do… I packed up my NYC apartment, left my friends, family and my business, and moved to the San Francisco Bay area where I received my own version of a Ph.D in sex.  I studied intensively with the leading Tantra teachers, Somatic Sex Educators and Coaches, Sex Institutes and Trauma Specialists. 

I found the missing part of my life which has now become my life’s work.  To help women heal the shame and wounding around their sexuality, reclaim their pleasure and transform their lives.  To help normalize the conversation around sex in this country.  To be proof positive and demonstrate through my teaching and coaching that we can all find pleasure on the other side of pain.

I'll be back next week to share more, but in the meantime, if you'd like to learn more about my upcoming teleseminar,  with Rachel, you can go here


5 Ways to Juice Up Your Sex Life Right Now!


Xanet is a sex and intimacy coach, tantra teacher, and sexological body worker who has worked in the health care field for over 25 years.  She works with individuals and couples using a variety of modalities to help them explore different paths of pleasure within the body, increase their sexual energy, enhance intimacy and help heal emotional and sexual wounds.  Xanet is a Somatica® Trained Sex and Intimacy Coach, and is certified with Charles Muir’s Source School of Tantra and The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. She has also completed the Sky Dancing Tantra Teacher Program with Steve and Lokita Carter.   

You can connect with her at www.powerofpleasure.com.

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