March 6, 2014

Truth Is the Biggest Turn On!

This week, Irene Fehr, Fire Igniter and Confidence Coach shares in this final post

Don't forget to join me and Irene on March 12 & 19 for this free 90 minute teleseminar for men and women. Learn more about that here.

I’ve always been an honest person. To a fault, really. Ask me a question, and I will shower you with utter precision of every detail.

I’ve also been a liar.

You see, I had this idea that I had to sell a perfect image of myself. A woman with everything under control. An intelligent over-achiever. I prided myself for being “the kind of woman that does it all and does it well”.

I had wanted to be accepted and loved, so logically, I created a curated package of who I think I need to be to receive that love.

There were things that did not fit into that package, and so I lied. I lied about my emotions and what I really felt, in fear that people would not know how to handle me. I lied about my disappointments and fears, scared that I would come across as weak and unworthy. I lied about my true desires because it meant exposing myself to rejection – or worse, ridicule. And, I lied to myself, thinking I was doing what I needed to do to be a good woman.

On the outside, my life was a resumé of achievements and carefully-orchestrated moves.

On the inside, I held back every part of my inner being as if I were holding my breath.

This kind of lying was so deeply engrained into my psyche that it naturally seeped into my sex life. Sex had become yet another place where I needed to stylize my moves and curate my image to cover up the slew of insecurities underneath.

I did not know how to ask for what I wanted, and over time, the resentment had built up. Sex became lackluster, and the relationships deteriorated. All the while, I was obsessed with: What if my partner finds out what I really feel? What if he will know that I want something else (and does it mean I don’t like him)? What if he judges me?

Saying the truth is vulnerable. Society’s conventions require us to keep what we really feel inside in the name of not hurting others, protecting them from the truth, keeping peace, being liked, and often protecting ourselves from those who might have malicious intent.

Expressing what I want in sex and how it’s making me feel was unfathomable. Because it meant that I would have to bring my guard down and take a risk, be vulnerable. I would have to allow my partner in. And it was unfathomable when I was cowering underneath the beliefs about myself that I am unattractive, weak and unworthy. It was too risky.

But the cost was too high.

Holding back my truth and not asking for what I want was costing my energy and life force. It was as if I was ashamed of being me.

And it went deeper. It cost me my aliveness. And my connection with my body. It took so much energy to pretend and lie – to keep myself in the secure and safe cocoon of my made-up image – that I had little energy for anything else. Especially for connecting with another.

Withdrawing from sexual connection was my only way out.


My own path to learning to speak my truth – the truth of my experience – was through Orgasmic Meditation (OM), the partnered sexuality practice about which I wrote in my last article here.

There is nowhere to hide in an OM. When a stroker’s undivided attention is on me and the most sensitive part of my body, telling the truth becomes more than just saying the words.

My body speaks louder than me. I cannot pretend to get off or cover up dissatisfaction with moaning because he will feel my body tighten and withdraw. If my intention or attention is on impressing my partner and not on my own pleasure, he will feel our connecting waning.  He can also feel my body open and expand when I am true to my desires and emotions.

My body responds directly to how truthful I am willing to be.

That is the scariest aspect of OM – and the most powerful. When I have nowhere to hide, I have to drop my escape mechanisms and surrender. The practice has taught me to listen to my body and be true to it in all its form - its desires and truth. 

OM has also taught me how to be authentic to what is deeply true for me – not by avoiding vulnerability, but by going deeply into it. To tell the truth despite the consequences of being judged or rejected. To be myself. And to build relationships based on connection and truth, instead of posturing and withholding. 

The second you withhold, the relationship suffers. ~ Nicole Daedone


There is another amazing benefit of telling the truth: it’s a turn-on.

Telling that deep truth – the one that has you squirm when you think about it - has the same visceral effects as sexual turn-on: heightened heart rate, tingling in your body, sweaty palms, and increased blood flow to genitals.


Because telling the truth is about being vulnerable and allowing others to see you. It’s about your sexuality and how comfortable you are to be you and express who you are. It’s about freedom to live an integrated life inside and out.

Want to try it? When you hear a little voice in your head, telling you “I cannot say that”, go ahead and say it.  And notice what happens in your body. Tread lightly at first and build up to bigger truths slowly. And remember, this is not about whacking the other person with some big revelation. It’s about you being open and honest about who you are.

Telling the truth is about opening up to let others see us deeply, at the most profound level of who we really are. It’s about intimacy and connection, a conversation between one soul and another. 

And from the beginning, that's all I had ever wanted.

Irene Fehr is a coach and fierce champion of women owning our femininity and sexuality and igniting the world with our power and leadership. She works with savvy, progressive, high-achieving women who desire to be feminine beyond words and powerful beyond measure by helping them access their life-force through their sexuality and use that power to do good in the world. Learn more about Irene Fehr and Orgasmic Meditation at

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