October 24, 2012

How Do I Spot My Life Partner?

Hi all,

I am so happy to introduce you to Tahil Gesyuk, an amazing coach who I have had the privilege of getting to know recently. Tahil has years of experience and training in the areas of relationship, intimacy, affection and connection. I am so excited to share with you his series of posts for these next four weeks. I know you are going to learn so much from him, so read on!!


Being a relationship and intimacy coach for over 15 years, I thought I had heard and seen it all. Yet, when I came to a gathering of relationship coaches, I decided to take the opportunity and ask, “What advice would they give for someone who is looking for a life partner?” I could hear crickets in the room! Then why am I asking this?

I got a distinct sense that looking for a partner that you spend the rest of your life with is not something one would realistically seek.  With bleak stats like these shared in this article and the fact that most couples who seek counseling and relationship coaching are in many severe breakdowns that warrant a separation as the healthy alternative, I believe many relationship coaches have settled for the “For-the-time-being relationship models” of relating.

If you are looking around and seeing your friends married and you are not, you might be falling for the same frame of mind those coaches did at that convention! I believe it takes tremendous courage in modern times to commit to a lifelong partnership let alone have the ability to spot the potential of one when it presents itself.  So the two functions I would like to talk about in how to spot a potential life partner in your life are courage and leadership!

Courage is about being aware of your fear as it is without distorting it. In other words, making it bigger then it is or minimizing it! If you augment your fear, you typically will find yourself blocked from committing (not a favorable state if you are looking for a life partnership.) If you end up minimizing your fears you give birth to arrogance and commit to something you typically don’t have the capacity to deliver the support and nurturing required for the commitment that is given.(This is typically why the states above happens in marriages.)

When you experience fear as it is, naked without augmenting or minimizing it, courage naturally arises through the butterflies in your stomach no different than when you were a kid on a swing or engaging in some play where glee and excitement where unleashed by facing the unknown! In what I call “sober loving”, one of the foundational characteristics of a potential life partner, there is a mutual capacity to feel fear as it is!

Leadership is seeing things as they are and seeing how they could be better! I often say to my clients if you want to check out the longevity of a partnership see how you relate in breakdown. Breakdown happens when we don’t see eye-to-eye, when we don’t agree. Your capacity to have a breakthrough in breakdown with each other consistently over time that gets better and better is what creates the space for you to maintain the relationship with yourself.  

The biggest complaint in relationships that split and is equally felt between both men and women is that we lose the relationship with ourselves by relating with others. Leadership in breakdown is to create what I call “structures for success” where all parties benefit by getting their needs and core values met. Leadership is also needed in seeing how things are working great and seeing how they could be even better for everyone. When relationships split and the comment is, “I feel like we have outgrown each other,” it is this capacity of coming together to consistently move forward what is working together and building on that that is typically lacking.

Marriage unleashes many stories for different people, but in the end, it comes down to owning our courage and our leadership together that brings about excitement and duration over time together. If you are looking for a lifelong committed partnership that augments and supports your life, take stock of your courage and leadership. Notice how well it is met by the people you meet.  If it is met well over time there is a tipping point where commitment is made and that commitment is for life!


Tahil has a passion for bringing love, connection,and health into people’s lives. With over 15 solid years of coaching experience, he is committed to bringing forth the radiance in each human being. As the director of the Intimacy Forum, Tahil Gesyuk is dedicated to teaching you the language of creating extraordinary relationships that impact the world in a loving and effective way.

The Intimacy Forum produces events and trainings around affection and connection, bringing a unique synthesis of full sensory and full body learning around *Heart-intimacy*, connection and affection.

For more info, please visit our website: http://www.intimacyforumtraining.com 

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the post. It can be really hard putting your life together. I know that sober companion can make a big difference but, can be difficult to do on your own. Get help today.


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